He’s doing some kind of RiffTrax thing. I guess that he’s going to deliver the commentary over the movie. But you have to find the movie yourself and try to marry this up.
I think that I found the movie here:
https://ok.ru/video/1982438967889
I suspect that I’m quickly going to get things out of sync but who really cares? I’m not going to watch this fucking 72 minute piece of shit anyway. I just did a quick skim and Horseface is in it and Sheriff Lobo or whatever the fuck that guy’s name was. So we’ve got some real superstars in the entertainment industry here.
1:15 – “Great way to start the movie. You’ve got pierced boobs and blue hair…”
I’m already bored with this. 72 minutes of tits and gore? Newt, I’ve got other stuff that I could be doing. I don’t give a shit about this.
If you’re watching the video, there’s a shocking bad fight scene at about 1.15 from somebody who Newt describes as a former Playboy playmate. This woman has clearly never thrown a kick or a punch in her life.
Video 3:15 – More shockingly bad fight scenes but this time from men. And it’s just the choreography that’s terrible. They’re throwing like roundhouse kicks and blocking them with roundhouse kicks. This isn’t how any fight has ever gone down. It’s not even physically possible for this to happen. And this is a prison fight? People in prison exchange awkward roundhouse kicks?
5:15 – Newt says that the actor (or somebody) wasn’t happy with the fight scenes in that prison. I can see why. People get thrown into walls despite the fact that the kick sent them in a different direction. The fights were almost all kicks. Bad kicks. Kicks from angles that don’t make sense. And it ended with a terrible…some kind of dual split kick that nobody on earth has ever used in a real fight, certainly not in a prison, and the guy who delivered the kick did so really poorly.
8:30 – Newt says that he “put $3000” into this “movie”. He, rightly, doesn’t even say “invested”. He just “put it” into the “movie”. He might as well have put that $3000 into the toilet. Same return.
10:15 – Newt says that the name “Schlock and Awe Films” came about from his “partnership” with his “former girlfriend Crystal Quin”. I’ll just move on.
Video 10:15 – Written by Newt Wallen. And there’s a picture of him. Newt says that he only wrote 60 pages and it was cobbled together from various abandoned pieces of shit.
11:15 – Christie Berger was also in this. Newt says, “I miss her so fucking much.” This is the woman who died of cancer and Newt made a series of videos talking about much he enjoyed fucking her up the ass.
15:45 – Kieran worked on this film in some capacity. Newt just kind of glosses over this. Kieran had negative things to say about Newt from that whole plagiarism thing.
Video 18:30 – Newt says that this woman has big boobs. Umm…maybe my idea of big boobs has been warped by 1990s big bust porn stars like Minka or Lisa Lipps or Honey Mellons but…no.
Video 22:00 – Newt describes this as “the weird sex scene”. Well, maybe she does have big boobs.
You guys like tits, right? And gore? Well, strap in. This is what Newt provides. In the one movie that he had some involvement in. And nobody has ever watched. And can only be found on some weird Russian website.
Video 25:00 – More shockingly bad fight scenes. Look, if you don’t have anybody who can do the moves and you don’t have a decent fight choreographer, have the characters resolve their differences in some other way. Because this is bad. REALLY bad.
Video 28:30 – Some fat guy who was one of Newt’s employees at the movie theater is being disemboweled and Newt says that Joe from Movie Dumpster did the effects. I think this is the guy who isn’t the faggot moderator on Reddit.
Video 27:15 – PVC Bondage Guy appears as a green haired zombie, “With her titty out.”
I have to say that I missed the “titty” and I’m not going to rewind and I’m not interested.
Video 28:15 – Newt is in the movie along with Justin Daniels…I think this is some guy who was on Pegwarmers. He had a beard and had a wife who talked about My Little Pony. They were all pretty weird. I might be the only one who gets these Pegwarmers references.
Video 30:15 – Horseface.
31:15 – “I wrote the kiss in just to see if she would do it because her boyfriend at the time was there.”
Newt boasting about being a creepy scumbag.
31:30 – “She may hate my guts and tell me that she wishes that she never met me but very, very good actress.”
Umm…I have the sound off in the video and I’m not going to rewind but I am quite confident that Horseface is not a good actress.
31:45 – Newt describes the kiss as “awkward” and then says, “I took her virginity. She has nothing to say.”
More creepy bullshit from the Ideas Man.
43:00 – Newt says that a lot of people didn’t show up for the movie so the people who did show up had to play multiple roles. He continues that there was supposed to be a lot more “T&A” in the movie. He’s talked about his disappointment in this before. He’s a complete piece of shit. With no talent whatsoever.
Video 46:15 – PVC Bondage Guy with his breasts out again. I guess. I missed it again. I’m watching in this tiny player. I’ll just rewind. It’s going to make this all out of sync but who cares? I think I’m done watching this shit anyway.
Even full screen it’s tough to see anything. I mean…you can jerk off to that if you’re so inclined but…I’m not so inclined.
52:00 – Newt says that Florida Man Saves Christmas is based on this fat bearded guy who was on some Pegwarmers videos.
Video 53:00 – Horseface in her underpants. Eugh. And Newt is talking about how he intentionally wrote this scene to see Horseface in her underpants.
54:30 – “But yeah, we get an attractive actress in a red bra.”
Who? Horseface? No, Newt. Get your fucking eyes checked.
By the way, at about 58:00 in the Youtube video, Newt gets a phone call so pauses the video and then everything gets out of sync. His words aren’t matching his mouth moving.
1:01:00 – Newt says that they’re just making it up as they go now. For the ending. They didn’t bother writing a proper ending so it’s just ad-libbed. Poorly, presumably.
I’m stopping the video. I’m stopping the movie at 1:02:00. I know it’s almost finished but I can’t fucking do this. This thing literally gave me diarrhoea. I have to go defecate. And I don’t want to come back and watch even one more second of this complete and utter trash.
If he wrote all this shit just so horseface had to do it, why not just go full nude and shove a bunch of stuff up her twat? I’m not suggesting anyone would like it but the idea man isn’t thinking three move ahead. Idea. Not ideaS because he has only one.
He admits that her stripping scene made no sense. So he wouldn’t even have to come up with a reason for her to get naked.
Ok, NOW I have to watch it. Newt should be grateful with the blog because it’s the only way he is getting any views.
I will watch the thing and report back.
I watched a bit and I noticed sometimes when horseface is in a bra, it cuts to newt making weird faces. It’s hilarious if you think about it and know the whole story.
I’m surprised that I was able to watch almost all of it. Without the commentary track, there’s absolutely no way but with the commentary track, I was able to get through a lot of it.
Maybe this is something that James Rolfe should consider. If he hasn’t already done an audio commentary track. I tried to watch that AVGN Movie three times and I don’t think that I even made it halfway through.
I watched the whole damn thing. Holy shit.
I mean, it’s a low-budget one. Yes, I get that. I did not get the part where the zombies are explained. Are they like on an Island (similar to Jurassic Park)? But if so, why are there zombies in TV ads?
The acting is dreadful. Special effects are atrocious. The plot sucks and makes no sense.
So, all in all, it’s like a Marvel movie. The one with the multiple Spiderman was waaaaaay worse. But this is in no way a compliment. It’s like saying: yes, a kick in the balls is bad, but TWO kicks in the balls are worse. It still sucks to get kicked.
I guess what I am trying to say is… it’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, given their limitations. And at least it got made. They planned it, filmed it, and post-produced it. That’s got to account for something.
It reminds me of when I was in high school, and I used to have a rock band with some friends. We used to play covers, for instance, from Joe Satriani. Were our versions identical to those played by professionals? Of course not. But was that supposed to prevent us from playing? Nah, everyone’s got to start somewhere.
Not playing at all (or not making movies at all) is worse.
I’m surprised that you managed to watch it. Yeah, I guess he made a movie and good for him, even though it’s total shit.
Making videos about his old films, since his new ones will never get made.
And didn’t this hypocrite say something to the effect “people who make indie zombie films suck” in that sleazy porn convention video he did with Justin?