Gamer Girls

(Note: I wrote this before I learned of Newt having sex with mental patient PVC Bondage Guy.)

This is a new series that the Ideas Man is trying. He’s already filmed a few of them, apparently. They’re scheduled for release weeks in advance. Really annoying. I hate the schedule feature on Youtube. Just upload the fucking video when you want. No hype is built by teasing it. Nobody cares.

So he’s going to talk about how he would “fix” various franchises. Why would we care what Newt has to say about any of this? We know Newt’s ideas. He only has two of them: 1) tits and; 2) gore.

He’s had plenty of opportunities to make his own films. He’s written thousands of scripts. Show me these good ideas that he apparently has. Because all that I’ve seen is tits and gore. Every fucking script exactly the same.

I’ve seen no evidence of any creativity. Any humor. Any intellect. It’s just this lowbrow bullshit that a fourth grader would be embarassed to turn in as a school assignment. And it’s all plagiarised.

So let’s check it out, I guess. Would the 2016 Ghostbusters improve with the addition of tits and gore? I’m thinking no but maybe Newt really makes a good case for the addition of tits and gore.

0:00 – Newt says that he wanted to do this type of video for a while but wasn’t sure if it would be a waste of time or not.

What? He’s concerned about wasting time? Everything he does in the creative realm is a waste of time. I assumed that he wasn’t concerned about it.

Then he says that he’s calling this series “Re-Newt”. This is his “creative process”. He comes up with a pun title which is PAINFULLY unfunny, stupid, and non-creative and then builds a plagiarised idea around that.

What about a series called Prosti-Newt where Newt interviews his “actress” “friends” and asks them to share interesting hooking stories?

Or “Desti-Newt” where Newt shows himself selling all of his shit on Ebay to fund his god awful “movies” starring the aforementioned whores, thereby becoming destitute? That one requires a little more explaining.

0:15- “I’m not very creative.”

Newt is a master of the understatement.

0:30 – “If I was given a chance, what would I do with a reboot or a sequel?”

But we know what you’d do. You’d do what you do repeatedly. Tits and gore. It’s the only thing you know. This is ridiculous.

0:45 – Shout out to James Rolfe.

1:45 – Shout out to Hack the Movies.

3:00 – Finally we get to his first idea. The 2016 Ghostbusters needs a stronger script.

Wait. What? You can say that about every movie. That’s the difficulty. We can all agree that the script should have been better. So come up with something better. What are you ideas? You can’t just say, “We need a better script?” That’s absurd.

You know what would have really helped Thunderpants? If it had a better script.

Well, sure. That whole farting yourself into space stuff was pretty stupid. But what’s your idea? Come on. This is ridiculous. “Better script.”

3:30 – Okay, he’s giving some ideas now. He says that the 2016 movie should have been in the same continuity as the previous movies. And that could have been achieved by saying that it’s a franchise.

His version would be a franchise in Salem, Massachusetts.

“Bored suburban housewives” buy into a Ghostbusters franchise. I thought that he was going to go somewhere else with this “bored suburban housewives” thing.

4:30 – “So it would be a little bit like the Pretzel Wagon episode of the Simpsons.”

Eugh. Newt, we want NEW ideas. Not the old plagiarised ones. He can’t do it. This is just how he thinks. Everything has to be plagiarised.

“And you go, ‘You ripped it off’, well, motherfucker, go watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2 and tell me that entire plot’s not ripped off from the Futurama episode…”

Newt…you’re an idiot. Of course other things are derivative. That doesn’t make derivative work any less shit.

5:45 – When breaking ground for a new golf course, the town disturbs the grave of a powerful witch.

Umm…this is completely cliche. Indian burial ground leads to haunting. It’s been done a million times.

6:45 – “Somebody told me that ‘Karen’ is a racist term and I was like, ‘Hey, white people, be better and it wouldn’t be.'”

Start with bettering yourself, Newt. You’re letting the team down. You’re one of the worst white people out there.

So anyway, that’s his idea. A franchise in Salem, opened by suburban housewives, and they fight a witch. Based on that Simpsons episode. Umm…this wasn’t very good.

Let me take a stab at it. What if there was a haunted brothel? And it’s being haunted by the men who died from syphilis and whatnot that they got from the prostitutes. And the problem spreads out throughout New York. There are all of these ghost johns who have syphilis. And these ghost johns are going around and having sex with living women and giving them syphilis.

The whole town is demonising prostitutes, current, living prostitutes as well as the dead prostitutes. The idea is that if it weren’t for these prostitutes, these men wouldn’t have got syphilis and died, and therefore they wouldn’t come back to haunt New York. There are purges of living prostitutes and there are seances to try to reach the ghost prostitutes and find out a way to appease these ghost johns.

While all of that is going on, the lady Ghostbusters are defending the honour of the prostitutes. It’s a feminist movie. They’re saying that it’s not right to demonise the prostitutes, these men chose to go to the prostitutes so they took their chances. And the lives of the prostitutes who also had syphilis, are also important. They’re victims at least as much as the johns were.

So the Ghostbusters are capturing a ghost john here and there but they realise that the problem is too wide-spread. They’ll never catch up. The problem is going to continue to spread.

So the get the idea to advertise the world’s biggest ghost gangbang. And the bait will be the Ghostbusters themselves. The four of them are going to fuck all of the ghosts. It’s going to be huge.

The ghost johns are totally up for it because they’re all horny dudes. Oh, and I should have mentioned that the Ghostbusters are all hot chicks.

They realise that they can’t just go to the site of the gangbang with their proton packs on and ready to go. That’s too obvious. The ghosts would leave. They have to be naked and ready to go so that the ghost johns are eager.

So the scientist Ghostbuster develops a breast implant that, when squeezed, releases proton streams out from the nipples. All of the Ghostbusters get these implants. So now there are these four giant-titted Ghostbusters going to the gangbang.

Word quickly spreads among the ghost johns that there are these four huge-titted women who want to take part in this ghost gangbang. So all of the ghost johns are there. They’re all jerking their ghost dicks off getting ready. There’s just these four naked women with massive tits on some kind of bed/altar waiting to get fucked.

Then they squeeze their tits. The proton streams shoot out. All of the ghost johns are stunned.

Then they open their legs. It’s revealed that they installed ghost traps in their pussies. It opens up and the ghosts start getting sucked up into there. And it’s really instense and the women are having difficulty with this pleasure overload and the one of the Ghostbusters has to try to keep everyone calm and just tell them to keep their legs open and take it because the fate of the city is at stake.

Everything gets resolved and the familiar theme music plays and the credits roll and everybody leaves the theatre happy.