Gamer Girls

It’s Madam Whoremo in a skirt and bikini bouncing around. Oh. Yeah, those are breasts alright. What else do you have, Whoremo? Have you considered trying to put out an interesting video?

Here’s Whoremo in a different bikini. She’s dancing to Shawn Michaels’ theme music. Well, “dancing” is too strong a term. It looks like her pimp TuanX is forcing her to dance at gunpoint. What the fuck is going on with this one?

Here’s an abysmal video where Destiny Fomo advertises her streams channel. It has like 1,700 subscribers and no videos. How does TuanX plan on making this a success? Oh, and she shakes her tits.

Here’s Whoremo as Chun-Li and she’s miming some “intercourse” song from Family Guy. According to the reviews on that escort review site, you most definitely DO NOT want to have intercourse with Madam Whoremo. People said that she behaved like she hated it and was being forced to do it. They also described her vagina as being unusually odorous. That’s me being kind.

So those are the videos. Umm…well, you’re not going to set the Youtube world on fire with this shit. We’ve seen all of this already. Has it worked so far? We get it, Whoremo. You have breasts. Who cares? I’m not in the 7th grade. TuanX had one fucking idea: show Madam Whoremo’s tits. And then when that didn’t work, he panicked. “SHOW THEM AGAIN!”

No. TuanX. Listen. It’s a bad idea. We need something fresh and creative. Not tits.

So I was at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this past weekend. It’s basically a homosexual convention. But I’m secure in my masculinity so I go. With my female girlfriend.

It’s a place where anybody can put on some kind of show. It’s mostly plays, dances, singing, stand up comedians, shit like this. And EASILY 90% of the stuff is gay. Openly gay.

For example, I went to see a play about Leopold and Loeb a few years ago at this thing. They were two murderers, if you were unaware. So you might think that the play is about the murder. You’d be dead wrong. It was about their homosexual relationship.

“Wait a minute. There’s no evidence that Leopold and Loeb were gay.”

Doesn’t matter. This is what the play was about. Everything has to be gay at this thing.

In years past, we would just go and see whatever and it would result in seeing some shocking bad shit. I spent 90 minutes in a hot, sweaty attic, while some posh English woman talked about her vagina. I PAID for this.

You might think, “Wait a minute. That might be kind of hot.”

Let me assure you that it was not hot. It was boring. We get it, madam. You have a pussy. Do you have anything else? An interesting story to tell, perhaps? No. Let’s just talk about your pussy for the next 80 minutes.

There was another one where it was two young American women putting on a play with like 15 people in the audience in a little room that seated 15 people. “Oh, this is going to be hot.”

No. It was awkward as fuck. And the play went NOWHERE. NOWHERE! They just talked about friendship or something. I don’t know. And then the play just abruptly ended. Nothing happened the whole fucking time. But you’re sitting there in this tiny room, like two feet from these women, and you have to smile and pretend that this is good.

So this year I said, let’s do this right. I’m only going to go to shows that got good reviews from legitimate sources.

So we saw some puppet show. Not in a childish way. It was for adults. But it wasn’t good. The puppetry was good. There were good visuals. The acting was good. But the story was awful. It was just random stuff that kept happening. There was no connection from one event to the next. And then it just ended.

Then we saw a one woman show where a 40 year old posh English woman pretended to be Medusa. And she talked about the character and whatnot. Heavy doses of feminism. Heavy doses of lesbiansim. And that was it.

Who’s the audience for this? Are militant lesbians interested in Greek mythology? I don’t get it.

Then we saw a “dance” show. Some gymnnast/acrobat shit. These women with no tits took their clothes off. They had some kind of skin-toned body suit on. And the guys had some simulated nudity as well. They also kissed each other. Of course. Because everything has to be gay.

And then whatever, they twirled on ropes and spun hula hoops around themselves and stood on each other’s heads and shit like this. The usual shit for…whatever this is. But I’ve seen this sort of thing before at this event so it’s obviously something.

Then we saw the world’s worst comedian. I remember distinctly searching for comedians with my girlfriend the day before. I said let’s find somebody good. We found a black guy. I said, “Our search is over. This is the guy.”

So we go to the show. Within 30 seconds, it was revealed that this guy was obsese, black, and gay. That was the entire act. The entire act was about how he’s a fat, black, gay guy. An hour of this shit.

He’s literally bending over and begging people to fuck him in the ass. THAT’S THE JOKE! Get it? Because he’s a sodomite!

Look, we get it. We get that you’re fat and you’re black and you’re gay and these have shaped your views and your experiences and whatever. But TELL US about some of these views and experiences. In a humourous way. You know, like a comedian. Don’t just say, “Hey, I’m a big fat, black guy, fuck me in the ass.” That’s not a joke. That’s nothing.

Then the next day we saw some more fucking trash.

But it was inspiring. These people have spent a lot of time and a lot of money putting these shows together. They felt strongly that these stories, which go NOWHERE, had to be told. Poorly written. Poorly conceptualised. Poorly structured. These are stories that these people wanted to tell.

They hired actors. They reheared. There were re-writes. They printed promotional leaflets. They rented the venue. They actively advertised the show. And the show is complete shit. They had to have known this. They had to have known that they were telling a story that goes nowhere and nobody wants to hear but they did it anyway. It’s magical. This is the human experience.

When Erin makes a terrible video that nobody can possibly be enjoying that’s not an anomaly. This is the norm. This is what Youtube is all about. This is what entertainment is all about.

Think about it. How many horrendous sitcoms are there? Like 95% of them. At least. I’ve seen every episode of Growing Pains. Never laughed once. It was on for years. Hugely popular.

I’m not singling out the Seavers. Diff’rent Strokes, Webster, Mr Belvedere, Small Wonder, Who’s the Boss. You name a sitcom and chances are that it’s complete and utter trash.

Same with movies. Same with plays. Same with everything.

But it’s inspiring. Because if THIS shit can get produced, what would happen if somebody actually made something halfway decent? Something with an ounce of creativity? I’m not saying that it has to be good. It just has to have a little something that isn’t horrible. And sometimes it happens. And it takes off. It becomes a hit.

So I’m going to start working on my show for next year’s festival. I want it to be something different. All of these shows are trying to cater to the homosexual community. Why? Expand your audience. I’m going to write a play that heterosexual men can enjoy. Not in the “Hey, there’s going to be tits and gore” crude variety. My target audience is intelligent heterosexual men. Why not? The theatre industry has been actively excluding this huge demographic probably since the dawn of theatre.