Gamer Girls

It’s pretty much unwatchable.

The homosexuals on Reddit like John. I guess because he’s a relatively slim guy compared to the Screenwave crew. And those homos on Reddit are REALLY concerned about sexy men. But I find John…I don’t know…okay, I guess? I’m sure that he’s a pleasant enough person but he’s not bringing much to the table.

A large part of the problem is that James is a negative factor in everything that he does. And then you have Screenwave fucking things up even worse.

So this video is about Monopoly for the NES and Clue for the Genesis or something. These are terrible, terrible, AWFUL, terrible games for this format. They even mention this in the video. These games take hours to play. You’re going to condense that into eight minutes per game?

So we just get random footage of them rolling dice in Monopoly and buying property. Then after a few minutes, they quit. What the fuck? What was the point of this? The game just started and they quit.

And John calls James bald and a virgin. It’s this level of “humour”. And James gives his usual autistic non-replies to this.

Then they play Clue. They don’t even know the rules. They don’t know how to play Clue. So they accuse somebody, just guess at all of the answers, and are then surprised when they get eliminated from the game. Yeah. Guys. That’s how Clue works.

So it’s not even a game that they’re familiar with. Why did they pick these games? They’re totally unsuitable for short videos like this and they obviously hold no *nostalgia* value for these two buffoons.

There are a fair number of negative comments on Youtube, which I think is unusual for Cinemassacre. I think that whoever owns Cinemassacre scrubs the comments hard. The comments are mostly complaining about John. So I feel bad. I don’t want to add to the dogpile but this video is just bad. I think that John is only part of the reason why this is bad. And probably not even the biggest part.

Now I have to fucking pad this out. Monopoly. I played it with my family. The actual board game. And I played Clue at a friend’s house. Again, I’m talking about the board game. It was…fine, I guess.

Just recently I was thinking of something related to this. Didn’t Clue have printed checklists that you can use when you play? Because if they did, that really limits the amount of times that you can play the game.

Obviously, you can just get a sheet of paper and make your own checklist but I’d be afraid to use the “official” checklist because I know that I’d be using something that I’ll never get back.

So I was thinking of Hero Quest. I had the boardgame as a kid. I played it with my friend. And at the end of the quest book, there was a blank map and quest description area. The idea was that you can make your own quest. But they only gave you one of these things. And I think it even said in the quest book that you should make copies of this blank quest.

Who the fuck was going to do that? You’re going to go to the library and pay $0.25 for each copy? It’s prohibitively expensive. But that was the only way to do it at the time. People didn’t have scanners or digital cameras or any of this. The Xerox machine at the library was your only option.

So that blank quest just sat there tantalizingly. But you couldn’t fill anything out because then you could never copy it. You need to copy it in an unmarked condition, obviously.

So that was some bullshit. You could have just got some graph paper but that’s a lot of work, first of all to acquire the graph paper at all (where am I going to find graph paper in 1989?), but then also to make the map. I guarantee that I would have fucked it up.

Then you’d have to come up with a code for the monsters and shit. In the blank map, they gave you little monster icons like they use in the real maps but obviously I can’t draw those. So I’d have to use letters, I guess. “G” for “goblin”, “S” for “skeleton”, whatever. But I don’t think at the time, I’d even have been able to come up with that idea. Plus, I’d have to create a key. I’d have to constantly check the key. It would a whole ordeal.

Then what about the furniture? How am I going to represent the furniture on my graph paper map? I’d have to draw little representations. Like in the real maps. But I can’t fucking draw that.

So anyway, I never did a custom quest. I remember the last time I played the game, my friends characters all died. And I was really gloating about it and putting big “X”s on the character sheets that he had been building for at least a year. I was saying, “This guy’s dead. This guy’s dead” and so on. And he was getting really pissed off and insisting that his characters aren’t actually dead. But I wasn’t having it. I was an asshole. It’s no wonder I didn’t have many friends.

When he would come over later, I’d ask if he wanted to play some more Hero Quest. I said that he can start new heroes. He wasn’t going for it. He always refused. So I think at some point, I said that he can use his old characters but by then he wasn’t interested in any more so we never played again.

But we got through the main game and some of that goblin or whatever expansion. I also had the skeleton expansion. We never got to play any of that one.

I even remember the map that he died on. It was that one where the dungeon master rolls a dice every turn and this causes a boulder to enter the map. Something like this. There would be a new boulder every so often. And he couldn’t figure out how to avoid these boulders. There was a secret door or something. I don’t remember. So his characters all got crushed.

Anyway, I also had a version of Monopoly for the PC. The 1995 one. It was okay, I guess. The FMV animations were annoying but you could turn them off, I believe. I liked experimenting with the AI. You could make your own AI opponents but I don’t know how detailed this was and I certainly never made anything good with it.

And I had Clue: Master Detective for the PC too. That was from 1989. I played that a fair amount. I think just by myself, though. Not even against the computer. I would just control all of the characters and I made some non-Clue game out of it. Like a race around the board or something. Basically just who can roll the highest numbers on the dice, among players who I all control. Really goes to show the lack of entertainment options in those days.

I had Risk too. Both the 1989 and the 1996 PC games. I got them both when they were fairly new. I played them quite a bit. The 1996 one was lightyears ahead of the 1989 game. That’s just how it was generally. There were huge leaps in technology.

Then I got Risk II in 2000. I don’t know. I don’t think that I really liked that one.

The 1996 had some kind of alternate rules Risk with different maps and shit. Like there was an American Indian map. I didn’t like the alternative rules (they had leaders and weather and stuff like that) but I liked the alternate maps, and I think you could play the alternate maps with the normal rules. Because I definitely played that American Indian map a few times.

So anyway, that’s James Rolfe’s continual slide into having to get an actual job. At least John works so we don’t have to worry about him. He’s a wedding photographer, I think.