Gamer Girls

Two glorious hours of Erin and Mike playing Atari 2600 games. What could be sweeter?

0:00 – “I wanted to start with Firefighter, which is what Mike’s playing right now.”

She’s a big Firefighter fan, guys.

Now, I had an Atari 2600 from as long ago as I can remember. It was bought for an older sibling, possibly before I was born. Over the years we amassed 50 games? Something like this. I also played Atari at friendss houses and they had similar collections.

Then many years later, when I got into emulation, I played a lot of Atari games. Just checking them out.

Over the years, I’ve watched a lot of Youtube videos about video games. I’ve seen people playing Atari 2600 games.

NOT ONCE have I heard of Firefighter. But Erin is all about it. This is what she wanted to start the stream with. Mike said, “Hey, Erin, what game do you want to start with?” and Erin immediately said, “Firefighter, of course. It’s a classic.”

She starts the stream with a fucking lie. This is all that she knows how to do.

Then Erin gives some painfully awkward and unfunny sexual innuendo about the game, which is all the more outrageous because they obviously planned this beforehand. Couldn’t she work on her material a bit harder?

1:00 – Erin is reading from the chat. She says, “This reminds me of the Spider-Man one?”

She has NO IDEA what that guy was talking about. NONE. So Mike has to quickly explain it to her. “Because of the building.” She doesn’t know, of course, because she doesn’t know what the Spider-Man 2600 game looks like. So she just cluelessly says “Oh yeah”, pretending that she understands. And BADLY pretending because anyone who knows of the Spider-Man game would IMMEDIATELY see the similarity. They wouldn’t need it spelled out.

Then she laughs nervously, no doubt thinking, “We just fucking started the stream and already I’ve given that Gamer Girls guy something to call me out on.”

1:15 – “So yeah. This is Firefighter. I don’t know what else to say about it.”

Well, talk us through the game. What’s the objective? Is there a scoring system or what? Because I’m only seeing a timer that’s counting down. Any tips?

She doesn’t know anything about the game. That’s why she has nothing to say about it. And yet, she wants us to believe that this is the game that she wanted to start the stream with. This game that she knows NOTHING about.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have started off with this. This isn’t really a way to start off the stream. But it’s fun!”

So tell us about it, Erin. Tell us what makes it so fun. She’s obviously playing Firefighter ALL DAY in her spare time. This is Erin’s game. Tell us all that you know about it.

“I like it. I like Firefighter.”

Well, okay. Enough of the generalities. Can you get into the specifics now? What do you like about it?

She’s got nothing.

So then Mike just hands her the controller. By the way, they’re using a Genesis controller because Mike is a fucking moron. This is how he plays Atari 2600 games.

I remember when I discovered that you can use a Genesis controller on the Atari. I said, “Hey, that’s cool.” Then I went back to my Atari controller.

If you don’t want to use those shitty official Atari controllers, I can see that. But I used the Power Stick. It’s a little controller with a button on each side. Best 2600 contoller ever made. It can be yours for $25 on Ebay. Surely, Mike knows about this. He’s all about the 2600. Plays it on his Genesis controller.

So anyway, Erin is playing the game AND SHE CAN’T EVEN MOVE.

Give me a fucking break. She never played this before. Show me the stream. She doesn’t even know the controls enough TO BE ABLE TO MOVE.

Then after she masters moving, she just stands in one spot and keeps spraying the windows even though the fire is gone. And there’s a raging inferno going on in the other windows. And Mike tells her to move on but she doesn’t because she’s an idiot and she’s never fucking played the game before. She has no idea what she’s doing.

2:15 – Then after A LOT of trial and error, and Mike telling her the basic controls of the game, Erin manages to get the ladder working and saves a character in the game. She says, “Yay! I saved him! I like how he runs around like this!” and then she waves her arms. It’s cute, right? It’s cute how Erin is a giant fucking fraud who’s conning retards out of pennies instead of working an honest job.

2:45 – “I’m getting the hang of the controls. I keep pressing the wrong thing.”

She’s never played this before. It’s blindingly obvious. And yet, she persists with the lie. Why? Who gives a shit if Erin played Firefighter before? NOBODY. But for whatever bizarre reason, she wants you to believe that she loves this game. And yet you watch the video and it’s clear that she knows NOTHING about it.

4:15 – Somebody in the chat says “No score?” and Erin says, “I guess not.”

You’re telling me that she didn’t know this? This is the first thing that I fucking noticed. Erin claims to LOVE the game. THIS is the game that SHE chose to start the stream with. She’s clearly indicating, in her words but not her actions, that she’s something of an expert at Firefighter. And yet, inexplicably, the fact that there’s no score in this game somehow passed her by.

Fucking bullshit, pointless, idiotic, ridiculously transparent lies from this unemployed fraud who’s using Mike for free room and board because she’s too god damned lazy to work a real job and just wants to be a sugarbaby to a man-baby.

“So you just try to do it in a short amount of time?”

WE DON’T KNOW! You tell us, Erin. You’re the fucking expert. I’ve never seen the game before. But you imply that this is one of your favourites. THIS is the game that you wanted to start the stream with.

4:45 – So Mike starts changing the…whatever….settings or whatever they’re called. There are different settings in Atari games, of course. You don’t really know what they are without having the manual in front of you. He changes it to 3 and the building is shorter and the timer is counting up (I think it was counting down before) and he says “I don’t know. Maybe this game is just really easy.” Erin says, “Maybe. Do you want to move on to something else.”

Why doesn’t Erin know if the game is easy or not?

Let me be clear in case my previous sarcastic comments left some room for ambiguity.

Erin has never played this game. Not once. Ever. She’s never even seen the game before.

Nevertheless, Erin started the stream by telling us that this is the game that she wanted to start the stream with. She then suggested that she “forgot” the controls. She also “forgot” how to work the ladder. She “forgot” that the game looks like the Spider-Man 2600 game. She “forgot” how to spray the fire. She “forgot” the goal of the game. She “forgot” what the different settings do. And she “forgot” whether the game is easy or not. She also was surprised at the “cute” animation of the guy on fire. She “forgot” about that one too.

This could have all been avoided if she just started the stream with, “You know what, guys? There are like 500 games for the Atari 2600 and I haven’t played all of them. Firefighter is one of these games that I haven’t played. But I’m going to check it out now.”

Done. Who cares? But because she started with that lie about how much she enjoys Firefighter, she had to keep the lie going. Even when it quickly became absurd. She’s didn’t “remember” ANYTHING about the game because she was lying when she suggested that she played the game. It was a total lie.

There’s another two hours of this.

5:00 – “So what’s next, Mike? What do you want to do next?”

You tell us, Erin. You’re such an Atari expert. And it’s your stream. What do you want to play? Just tell us. It’s no big deal. There’s no wrong answer here. Well, I suppose there are wrong answers if you can’t think of any games, as Erin can’t.

But yeah, Mike recently streamed Atari games. And Erin is using the exact same emulator that Mike used. Or whatever that device is…not Raspberry Pi but something else.

So then Mike just chooses a “comedy” homebrew game and Erin cluelessly agrees. No. We’re here for Atari games. Let’s see some classics. And some “hidden gems”.

By the way, this shitty homebrew game is playing a terrible version of Für Elise by Beethoven. You’re all big Ludwig van Beethoven fans, right? It was also in this McDonald’s commercial.

Mike didn’t remember that commercial? This was his era. 1984 or thereabouts.

6:30 –

Mike: I think that was PAL or a prototype or something.

Erin: I think it was a homebrew.

You know that you fucked up bad when even Erin corrects you. How the fuck did he think that that game was anything legitimate? It was obviously a homebrew.

Erin says, “Obviously. It’s called Acid Trip and it’s like really jumpy.”

It’s true. It’s RIDICULOUSLY obvious that that was a homebrew. Did Mike suddenly lose his mind?

8:00 – They’re playing some game that at least this time Erin is admitting she hasn’t seen before. “I like the little chompy chomp.”

Fuck off.

8:30 – Erin says, “So it’s Pac-Man”.

Oh. So you finally figured it out, Erin? Good job.

9:00 – They’re on a different level and Erin says that it looks like the He-Man game. You guys all know the He-Man game, right? No. Of course not. It wasn’t remotely popular. But Erin does because she played the game for a Youtube video. These are the only kind of references she can make.

11:15 – A horntard asks Erin when she thinks there’s going to be a second video game crash.

Oh my fucking god. Why does she even read these questions that she OBVIOUSLY is not equipped to answers. She’s just going to say “I don’t know”. I know it. Let’s find out.

“Never…because everything is spread out now on various platforms. It’s just like on different things. So I don’t think that will happen again.”

Well, she didn’t say “I don’t know at least.” Instead, she just gave a totally nonsensical answer.

15:00 – They’re playing some game called Carnival, I guess, and Erin is once again pretending that she knows the game while demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge about the game. I can’t give every example of this. I think that I’ve covered this already with Firefighter. She’s a comulsive liar. And a BAD compulsive liar.

16:45 – Mike is explaining a fundamental aspect of the game that anybody who played the game would know about. Erin says, “Oh, there’s so much going on. I forgot about that.”

Go fuck yourself.

17:00 – Then Mike starts explaining the game to her. Why? She just got through talking about much she has played the game. She knows about the game, Mike. Obviously. Just listen to what she’s saying. Ignore the fact that she can’t actually play the game and clearly knows nothing about it. Just listen to her words. She’s clear in her conviction that she’s played this before. She merely “forgot” everything about it.

Erin keeps referring to a “ferris wheel” in the game and that’s what Mike calls it too. No, you fucking idiots. They’re rotating pipes or something. Like smoker’s pipes. It’s some thing you’d see in olde tyme shooting galleries. Let me look this up.

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/306596687107889981/

Yeah, I was right. The guy there describes them as “clay pipes”.

18:45 – Erin says, “Remember when I played this on a cocktail?”

Eugh. I can’t.

19:15 – “This is probably one of my favourite Atari games even though I always forget all the mechanics because there’s so much going on.”

Unbelievable. One of her favourite Atari games. But Mike had to explain to her that she has to hit some bonus area that she NEVER shot before he told her. He also had to explain to her to shoot the 8’s to refill your time. He had to explain to her WHERE the timer is. She didn’t know ANY of this.

One of her favourite games. She just “forgot” EVERYTHING about it.

19:45 – Then, when the horntards tell Mike to get Erin an arcade machine, Erin says that she wants an arcade game that has Mario and Castlevania on it. You know…because she’s just such a big Mario and Castlevania fan. She’s all about Mario and Castlevania. Get your wallet out, Mike. Spend thousands of dollars on this thing so that this unemployed parasite can play the game once, on stream, for money, and then never again.

I’m going to stop at 22:15. They’re moving on to Circus Atari. Erin is pretending that she knows the game again. She says, “It’s kind of fun. You have to get the bouncy people.”

That’s not AT ALL what the game is about. It’s a Breakout clone. Or as Erin retardedly calls it, “Break Away”.

Maybe I’ll resume this video, maybe I won’t. There’s always so much to talk about with these Erin and Mike streams but it’s just me pointing out her constant lies. How many times can I say it?