Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruxXWHYZa3g

An all-female cast for this episode of Hack the Movies formerly known as Talking About Tapes.  It’s Johanna, Crystal Quin, Mint Salad, and the only black woman they could find.  So this should be great.

0:30 – “I’m Crystal, in case you didn’t know.”

WHY WOULD WE KNOW?  There’s one fucking guy in the universe writing about her.  One guy with an enormous amount of time on his hands.  And his reviews on Crystal Quin’s body of work are not favourable.

She’s so ridiculously full of herself and it’s based on NOTHING.  She has achieved absolutely nothing with her life.  She’s knocking on 40, unmarried, no children, and no real job to speak of.  She’s does some kind of weird softcore porn gothic modelling but no way can she make a living doing that.  How much demand is there for 40 year old “glamour” models?  Especially when they look like Crystal Quin?

Let’s just move on.  There’s another…TWO HOURS?  Fuck off.  This is idiotic.  NOBODY is going to watch this for two hours.  It’s impossible.

0:45 – Awkward, unfunny patronising of Mint Salad by Johanna and Crystal.  Some of that “female comedy” that the world loves.  Watch out, Rita Rudner.

Then everybody says that they didn’t really watch the movie.  This is really great “content”.  Tony is going to make a million dollars on this show.

3:00 – They’re talking about how unfunny the women in the movie are and they’re doing so while utilising unfunny female comedy.  The irony.

7:15 – Extended diatribe by Crystal about how she likes won ton soup.  Nobody cares.  But this is more of that delightful female comedy.

That said, they’re doing a decent job thus far.  I’m surprised.  Even Mint Salad made at least one semi-intelligent contribution.  And the black woman (Kira) is probably the best of the bunch.  Certainly the least off-putting.  Although…that’s a low bar with this group.

Oh, they link to her Instagram.

https://www.instagram.com/kira.mortis/

Ummm…I’m not jerking off to this.  I’m sorry.  Why does everybody have to have an Instagram where we’re supposed to be jerking off?  Get some dignity, put some clothes on, and just go about your life.  You don’t need an Instagram at all.  

I mean, get real.  Is this average looking (at best) woman who’s knocking on 40 going to somehow make money off of her appearance?  Has it happened so far?  

Oh god.  If you do some further investigation, you can see some cosplay that she does.  It’s like Myspace angles and she’s pushing her tits together.  No.  I’m not doing it.  She’s just overweight.  Come on.  I didn’t just fall off the fucking turnip truck.  No love for fat.

She also is or was on OnlyFans.  And she does like…anime cosplay.  I’m so disappointed.

I didn’t want to shit on this woman.  You know?  There’s a fucking black woman on here, I think that she’s the first non-white person to appear on a Tony from Hack the Movies production, and I’m all for racial equality.  I wanted to say, “Hey, she’s doing a great job.  She should become a regular.”

I can’t do that now.  She’s doing what all of these other fucking ZZZ-list internet “celebrity” women do: scamming horntards.  If you’re going to do porn, you should be smoking hot.  Not some fat chick dressed up as an anime character.  

And she picks anime not because she has any interest in anime but because this is a calculated attempt to appeal to nerds.  Socially awkward losers, many of whom are mentally challenged.  This is her target audience.  It’s unethical.  Go get a fucking job like a normal person.

She’s not even making money off of this.  She’s been doing this for YEARS.  400 followers on Instagram.  Nothing on Twitter.  Her OnlyFans is $10/month and I don’t think it’s doing big business.

What’s so wrong with employment?  She’s debasing herself for NOTHING.  If she was getting $100,000/year, fine.  Take your clothes off.  Dress as some fucking anime shit.  I get it.  But she’s doing this for peanuts.  

How big can the market possibly be to see an overweight, middling attractive (at best) black woman who’s approaching 40?  

Go get a job.  This is not going to work.  And what you’re doing is unethical anyway.  You’re trying to scam the MENTALLY RETARDED.  Plus, you’re debasing yourself.  This is a total zero across the board.  

Anyway, we have another 1 hour and 53 minutes to go.

I’m at 20 minutes.  I had to take a break.  But if I can continue with my cavalcade of uncomfortable negativity, I also don’t like all of the editors notes that Mx Jessica is putting in.  She puts notes on the screen and she thinks that they’re funny but…again…female comedy.  

21:30 – Crystal says “character arches”…you know…instead of “character arcs”.  I might not have even noticed because I’m half asleep watching this shit but I read some comments before watching this and loads of people commented on this mistake.

Also, very often, everyone is talking at once and it’s just annoying clucking.  At least Mint Salad doesn’t contribute to that shit.  A four person panel is too big, but this is effectively a three person panel.  So…it’s not as bad as it could be.

26:30 – Kira said “ethereal”, correctly.  It’s unfortunate that she seems reasonably intelligent and able to have a conversation and then…she’s doing this weird porn for retards.

Okay, I’m at 30 minutes.  That’s enough.  I don’t think I’m going to get anything else out of this.  It was actually fine.  Maybe I’ll watch the rest of this later for my own “enjoyment”.  But I don’t want to watch any more now.

Crystal didn’t talk about how hot she is or actresses who she wants to have sex with.  That’s always a plus.  Johanna did a reasonable job “moderating” this thing.  Kira had decent contributions.  Even Mint Salad had semi-intelligent things to say, although she didn’t talk nearly as much as anyone else, of course.  But that’s not a bad thing.

So…dare I give it a thumbs up?  No, I don’t want to encourage this sort of thing.  I mean, it wasn’t good, really.  It was a struggle even to get to 30 minutes.  I was just surprised by the absence of bad.  Everybody gave a workmanlike performance.  So I’ll eschew the thumbs entirely.

– “This review has the same energy as the movie itself. In the worst ways possible. How do you so perfectly cast a review to encapsulate every bad decision so accurately? The parallels here are uncanny.”

It’s true.  I thought that as well with the bad female comedy, for example.  It’s interesting, though.  They’re critiquing a movie but exhibiting the same behaviours that they’re complaining about.

– “the meta is blowing my mind. the same formula that ruined GB2016 executed to perfection in the review.”

Yeah, same comment.

– “Holy fook…. Holy fook you must have an extra chromosome… This is the worst episode ive ever closed.. Couldn’t even finish this plea for views..”

It’s clearly an attempt to get views by appealing to the horntard market but I just found this funny because of the chromosome comment.  It just comes out of nowhere.