Gamer Girls

So fatass John Riggs is going to eat some food.

I was on the train today. There was an elderly American couple. They had giant backpacks on. How can this possibly be a good idea? But they were annoying. They were here for the coronation. Americans think that British people care about this. No. It’s just the elderly and cartoonishly conservative types. Everybody else either doesn’t care or doesn’t want that shit.

Anyway, this couple were complaining about the phrase “mind the gap”. It is stupid. They play this announcement regularly when people are getting on or off the train. They don’t want you to fall into the gap between the train and the platform. It’s a stupid turn of phrase but just get over it. People speak differently in different countries.

0:00 – Some guy is demonstrating that he can roll his windows down from the outside of his car by remote control. John Riggs says, “And I can just Dukes of Hazard it right through the window there.”

Did they even get Dukes of Hazard in the UK? They may have done. I don’t know. Years ago, some guy was talking to me about Charles in Charge. I could not believe that Charles in Charge was shown in the UK. It was a syndicated program.

Well, I guess Baywatch was syndicated too and that was shown all over the world. Maybe it’s actually an advantage to be syndicated. I also know that Small Wonder, another syndicated show, was HUGE in India. I’m not even joking.

0:15 – Then John Riggs says that if he tried it, it would result in a “Trip to the hospital” and then he corrects himself, “Trip to hospital.” They don’t say “the hospital” in the UK. I don’t know why. But just get over it. Don’t be some stereotypical, fat, loud, jackass American. These people know about the differences in language. You don’t have to point them out.

Then the guy says, “We’re in the UK so it wouldn’t cost much.” I’m pretty sure that John Riggs would have to pay because he’s just here as a tourist but I don’t know what it would be.

“Deep Blue is where we are. It’s a chippie. A ‘chippie’, right?”

Eugh. So anyway, John Riggs orders some disgusting food. I’ve never eaten at one of these establishments. I don’t know anybody who has. I don’t even think that I’ve seen any.

Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose that I have gone. But I never get the fish. I get whatever. A battered sausage. Or a battered hamburger. It’s a sausage or hamburger that’s coated in batter and then deep fried. And the food is bad. REALLY bad. So I rarely go.

1:30 – Oh, John Riggs got the same thing. He ordered TWO meals again. Because he’s a big fucking fat guy. He got a fish and a sausage. Both comes with fries. These are meals. Two meals. Because he’s ENORMOUS.

Then there’s extended footage of John Riggs shoveling food in his mouth. Close ups of this.

There’s a woman who keeps talking to John Riggs. We never see her. Is it his wife? Who knows? But I remember from other videos that his wife doesn’t seem to want to appear on camera.

3:15 – Now he’s at Greggs’. This is fucking shit.

He’s amazed by the refrigerated sandwiches. They’re all awful. I’ve never had a refrigerated sandwich that wasn’t awful.

So then John Riggs orders a sausage roll, some steak pie, a pasty (another meat pie), and a cake. He’s a big fat guy.

4:30 – Then he goes to Smyth’s toy store. Didn’t this place go out of business years ago? I guess not. 108 stores in the UK.

7:45 – Now he’s in London. He’s shows some tourist shit for like a second each.

8:00 – He’s at some expensive tourist restaurant for “cream tea”. Fuck off.

Why is he going to all of these stereotypical places? This is not where people go to for food. They’re not going to fucking “cream tea”. I don’t even know what that is. And Greggs? That’s for fucking completely impoverished people. And the average age of a customer in a fish and chips establishment is 70.

So then we see close up footage of John Riggs shoving tiny scones in his mouth. You know…as you do when you live in the UK. I’m forever eating scones while getting my cream tea. I also wear a top hat and monocle everywhere I go. I like to try to fit in.

9:30 – John Riggs is showing two Prets that are right near each other. This is true. Especially in London. There’s an overabundance of Prets. It’s a sandwich shop. Just a shop full of these god awful refrigerated sandwiches. They’re everywhere. The sandwiches are shit and they’re like £7, which is ridiculously expensive for what it is.

10:00 – He’s in a Chinese restraurant now.

More extended footage of John Riggs shoveling food into his mouth. Does anybody want to see this?

11:30 – Now he’s an an American candy import shop. These are everywhere. It’s a fairly recent thing. Within the past 10 or 15 years. They’re all owned by people from the Middle East. Every single one of them. Possibly Pakistani. Not a single one is owned by an American or even a British person. Middle Eastern or possibly Pakistani. All of them. And it’s the home of the £5 packet of M&Ms that sell for 50 cents in the US.

He does mention the outrageous prices. £10 for a bag of Cheetos, for example.

So that’s the video. Nothing interesting.

What did I eat today? I got a hot chocolate and a terrible refrigerated sandwich at some little shop in a train station. It was a chicken tika masala sandwich. That’s another thing. These sandwiches always have weird fillings.

That was in the morning. Then for lunch I went to a little cafe and got another hot chocolate and another bad sandwich. But this wasn’t refrigerated, at least. Not to my knowledge, anyway. It was a roast beef and horseradish sandwich. The horseraddish was served in a separate little cup. You have to smear it on yourself. That’s fine, I guess. Depends on your taste. But again, the only sandwich options were pretty weird. I went with one of the more normal ones. And it was shit. I couldn’t even finish it.

It also came with about 20 normal potato chips (or “crisps” if you prefer) and a “salad” that consisted of a few pieces of lettuce and one of those tiny tomatoes cut in half. No dressing or anything.

And everyone in the cafe was 100 years old.

This is what people are eating in the UK. Well, actually this was an unusually hot chocolate and sandwich-based day for me. But I’ve eaten this sort of fare many, many times. This is what you get at these mom and pop cafes. There’s a small selection of god awful, weird sandwiches and hot beverages. That’s it. If you want anything else, fuck off.