Gamer Girls

I watched 30 minutes of this for my own “enjoyment” and Erin wants absolutely NOTHING to do with ANY of this. Every time Mike suggests that she plays a game, which is what she’s there to do, she says, “Do I have to?”

No. Erin. You don’t. See if your job at the record store is still available.

So I’m just going to list every time Erin suggests that she hates video games and doesn’t want to play them.

0:45 – “Mike is a lot more familiar with the Atari than I am so…because I didn’t grow up with it.”

No shit. You didn’t grow up with ANY video games, even ones from your era.

They start with Freeway, a game where you’re a chicken and have to cross the road. Obviously, Erin never played it before. Mike intentionally throws the game, resulting in a tie.

2:45 – Erin: “Oh, we’re tied. What do we have to do when we’re tied?

Mike: We have to do a tie-breaker round.

Erin: (looks with dread at the screen) Are they going to do that?

They don’t play the game any more because it’s obvious that Erin doesn’t want to.

3:45 – A horntard suggests that they play Star Trek.

Mike: It’s based on Star Trek III, of all things but you wouldn’t know that.

Erin: Like the movie?

What else can it be? No, Star Trek III, the third commemorative plate in the Franklin Mint series.

Wow, Franklin Mint was based in Wawa, Pennsylvania. I don’t think that that stuff is worth anything, though.

4:30 – Erin asks a horntard if he bought a Manbaby Gaming shirt, having seen it on Twitter, and then says that she also ordered one but hers hasn’t arrived yet. So this is just cheap print-on-demand bullshit, not that I’d expect anything else. Mike isn’t going to have thousands of these made and then store them in his warehouse. Although, he does have that spare house that’s just for Halloween decorations.

I wonder if that’s actually true. He did say it once but why would he have a house just for storing Halloween decorations? Is that even allowed? What must the neighbours think? “Oh, that’s old man Matei’s Halloween decoration house.”

But yeah, Mike made Erin pay full price for the t-shirt, apparently. Mike, come on, give her a free shirt. What’s wrong with you? He pays for everything else, including her zombie gums, but when it comes to his own “merch”, he’s not giving her a break at all.

https://mike-matei.creator-spring.com

There’s the “store”. It’s just fucking Tee Spring. THIRTY BUCKS for a shitty t-shirt where he just copied the 1990s Cartoon Network logo. This is Newt Wallen levels of plagiarism.

Oh, $30 is for the “premium” quality shirt, I guess. The normal one is “merely” $26. And the women’s shirt is $24. Why would the women’s shirt be any cheaper? And the women’s shirt only comes in three colours, as opposed to the men’s shirt which comes in five. AND if you want a pink shirt, it’s not available for the women’s shirt, only the men’s shirt. This makes NO SENSE. Colour-enthusiast Erin must be furious.

I don’t think that there’s any prohibition on Tee Spring’s side on what colours are available. I think that Mike specifically excluded colours from being options. Why?

Anyway, nobody’s buying that shit.

6:00 – Erin starts playing this Star Trek game. Word Star Trek for the Atari 2600 gameplay ever recorded. I mean, the game looks like shit and I don’t know what’s going on but Erin is completely out to lunch, even after Mike repeatedly tries to explain.

7:30 – Mike is talking about a Star Trek convention that he dragged Erin to. He says at the start of the convention, they showed the intro from Star Trek: The Motion Picture on a big screen. Erin says, “It was a pretty good way to get the crowd pumped, I think, and a lot of people were like, ‘What is this?'”

Yeah. Erin was definitely the latter.

8:45 – Mike asks Erin who her favourite Ferengi is. Incredibly, Erin gives an appropriate answer. She thinks for a while and then says “Quark”.

I couldn’t name a fucking Ferengi and I watched the show. I know that he’s from Deep Space Nine, but I haven’t watched that shit in over 30 years. But I guess from Mike dragging her to these nerd conventions and maybe passively watching the show with him, she’s picked up on a name or two.

“Because I know his name and he was also one of the principals on Buffy, my favourite Buffy principal.”

You had to bring it back to retardation, didn’t you, Zombie Gums? She played some “Buffy” game just recently and, not to be repetitive, but it was the worst fucking “Buffy” for the Gamecube (or whatever it was) footage ever recorded. She had NO CLUE what she was doing. She couldn’t pick any of the weapons up. She didn’t know where she was going. She didn’t know any of the objectives. She didn’t understand the basic point of the game.

And then she later tweeted that she was going to do a follow up stream after she got a strategy guide. She apparently ordered a strategy guide, using Mike’s money. And when somebody said, “Hey, just look at a fucking playthrough on Youtube” she said that she didn’t have the time (in truth, she doesn’t have the interest) and that she wanted to do this the way people played video games in 2003.

Oh sure. Because this is what we did in 2003. We bought strategy guides. Gamefaqs didn’t exist, I guess. She has no fucking idea what she’s talking about. I NEVER bought a strategy guide for ANYTHING and don’t know ANYBODY who did. And once the internet was around, you just went to fucking Gamefaqs. When did Gamefaqs start? Yeah, 1995. It was around since the dawn of the internet.

10:00 – Erin reads from the chat. “Do you know about the 26th Rule of Acquisition? No, I don’t.”

So much for Erin’s deep Star Trek knowledge. She only knew the name because the actor was on “Buffy”. Fucking cretin.

11:30 – A horntard suggests that they play Megamania. Erin says, “I just thought of this awful song.” Mike ignores her and changes the subject because he’s not fucking interested in her idiotic music trivia but Erin doesn’t take the hint. So a minute later, she reintroduces this boring as fuck topic and says, “I was thinking of a song by Incubus that I dislike, Megalomania.”

Well, it’s no Someday. Maybe this could be her next tattoo. This is a topic that will come up soon, I think. Mike completely ignores Erin’s stupid music comment.

13:00 – Worst Megamania footage ever recorded and after Erin dies, she says, “I’m stressed. I’m not ready for this.”

Always with the stress. She has no fucking job, she does absolutely nothing all day, but she’s “stressed.” Over video games.

14:45 – After Erin wasted everyone’s time trying to think of what some enemies in the game look like (Tinkertoys), Mike says “What about Better Blocks”? This is a reference to an AWFUL video that she did five years ago where she ordered some Better Blocks (using Mike’s money) and then was impressed with how they were shipped rolled in a coil. She thought that it must have taken the guy ages to do this when in fact…no. Two minutes.

Then she says that she’d like to another video like that but, “I feel like it was a big production.”

Oh sure. Purchasing some fake Legos from Ebay and then building a shitty crown. What a production. Just stick to making videos where you look through a box of Mike’s games. Or a video where you lazily flip through a Sears catalogue from 30 years ago and says, “That looks cool. I remember wanting one of those. That’s expensive. Look at this colour.”

18:15 – Mike asks for the background music to be turned down so that he can demonstrate some sound effect in the game. He plays it a few times and Erin is completely clueless as to what he’s doing. She thinks that it’s some sexual thing.

Then Mike changes the game to Spider-Man and it’s the same sound.

19:15 – When Mike starts the Spider-Man game, Erin says, “Oh my god, I forgot about this.”

Uh huh. Erin “always” “forgets” about Spider-Man for the 2600.

So he demonstrates that it’s the same sound and Erin is still completely clueless. She still doesn’t know why he was making her listen to that sound even though it’s OBVIOUS what he was doing.

So Mike has to finally say, “No?” Zombie Gums says, “It’s the same.” Mike says, “Thank you.” Zombie Gums says, “I mean, I thought that was a given.”

Any normal human being who would recognise what was happening would have said, “Oh yeah” when the sound was played. That’s it. That’s all you had to say. But she didn’t know what he was doing. She’s a complete moron.

“I like that you wanted me to verbally say, ‘Yes, it’s the same.'”

As anybody would. Yes. Do you know how communication works, Erin?

20:00 – Erin: Is that the Green Goblin?

Mike: That’s the Green Goblin.

Erin: (laughing) Look at him go.

Yeah. The Green Goblin is in the game. Every single level. She must have “forgot” that too. And there’s nothing “cute” about this. The Green Goblin is totally static throughout. No movement whatsoever. So what was so funny and/or cute?

20:45 – Mike finishes the level and says, “So do you want to try it?” Erin hesitates and says, “I…uh…”

No. She does not.

So Mike shows her how to play the game, Erin obviously having “forgotten” everything about it. And then she reluctantly takes over.

“Wait. How do I do it?”

Worst Spider-Man for the Atari 2600 footage ever recorded. There’s ONE BUTTON and she didn’t know how to use it. She always shoots straight up. She doesn’t know that you can’t shoot the windows. She “forgot” EVERYTHING about the game.

22:15 – Erin says, “This sucks so bad. This is quite a drag.”

It’s perhaps one of the better games on the system.

23:15 – Then she just refuses to play any more. “I can’t. I am very…uhh…bored.”

23:45 – So they play Smurfs. Erin says, “Oh yeah. I remember this.”

Wow. She remembered the game from one of her brief times playing it, on stream, for money, during a “variety stream.”

25:15 – Mike is excited to show Erin the “cute” ending where the smurf kisses Smurfette and Erin doesn’t give the slightest of fucks. Then Mike suggests that this should be a tattoo.

Mike: Yeah, why don’t you get that?

Erin: Because I don’t really like the Smurfs.

Why did she get that horrible candy cane/ice cream tattoo? Does she like candy canes? Who likes candy canes?

“I don’t hate them. I’m indifferent about the Smurfs.”

Fuck off, Zombie Gums.

So then Mike gives the controller to Erin. No prizes for guessing how good or otherwise she is at the game.

27:00 – Erin: See? Look at his face.

Mike: Oh, he’s very sad.

Erin: Me too. This is very upsetting. I’m done.

Yet another game that Erin does not want to play AT ALL. What is she doing there? She chose to stream. Nobody forced her to. What did she think she was going to do today? Play Atari games, right? So why isn’t she doing it?

Mike refuses and resets the game saying, “I want to see you get Smurfette.” Erin looks physically pained and says, “Oh my god.”

27:45 – Mike asks who the Smurf is. Erin says that she doesn’t know. Mike suggests that it’s Smurfy Smurf. Erin says, “Is there really a Smurfy Smurf?” Mike says “Isn’t there?” Erin says, “I don’t know. I didn’t watch it.”

It’s before her time but this is what she does. She pretends that she’s all about the 1980s even though it’s clear that she knows NOTHING about the decade.

So Mike starts naming Smurfs and Erin says, “So it’s like the Dwarves? They’re named like that?”

She doesn’t even know the name of a single fucking Smurf. This is all news to her. Brainy, Jokey, never heard of them.

28:45 – With Mike’s clear instuctions, Erin manages to beat the first level. Mike says, “Now you don’t have to play any more.” Erin says, “Yay.”

Why are people watching this? To watch a woman being coerced into playing video games? This is somebody’s idea of a good time?

If she doesn’t want to play the games, DON’T FUCKING STREAM. What was the discussion before they started the stream? “I want to sit here and bitch for two hours while retards send me money”?

30:45 – Now they’re playing Snoopy and the Red Baron. Well, Mike is. Erin is just going to complain and shove tissues up her nose and then later edit out the tissue footage.

“I don’t know if I actually ever played this.”

Let me set your mind at ease, Erin. You haven’t.

33:00 – Erin: Snoopy is like really popular again. He was never not popular but I feel like…

Mike: He’s had a bit of a resurgence.

Erin: Yeah.

Oh sure. Snoopy. He’s huge today.

In the 1990s, I can assure you that Snoopy was shit. It was a shit comic strip written by an old man who didn’t know when to quit. The drawings and the letters were all shakey because Charles Schultz’ hands were all shakey. And the comics were all shit. I never so much as cracked a smile at a single one of them.

I remember reading an article referencing one of the recent Peanuts strip that featured a character called “Joe Grunge.” Let me see if I can find the actual comic strip.

That’s it alright. That’s the entire comic. Some minor character whose name I don’t even know says “Joe Grunge” while Lucy looks like her neck is broken and you have Snoopy dressed…”grungy”? I guess?

So the article gave this particular strip as an example of how much Peanuts has fallen and said, rightly, that it was a tired take off of the “Joe Cool” character that Snoopy had portrayed in the past.

Charles Schultz replied to this article, either in a subsequent strip or in a letter, taking offence to this. But the guy was completely right. Peanuts was complete dogshit by the 1990s.

You read Peanuts strips from the 1950s and…it’s too far removed from what the strip would become. But you read stuff from the 1970s and there are actual jokes in there. And stories. Multi-day, even multi-week stories. Things that Schultz had long since abandoned by the 1990s. You could actually understand why the comic strip was so beloved.

EFFORT was put in back then. But by the 1990s, Schults sat down, his hand trembling, he shat out this one panel comic with two words, and said, “Where’s my beer? I’ve earned it.”

Joe Grunge. Fuck you.

He was trying to update the comic in the most lazy was possible. I mean, the Red Baron…this is a World War I reference, one that Erin didn’t get, by the way. I don’t think that kids in the 1990s were particularly interested in Manfred von Richthofen or World War I generally.

A horntard mentions Joe Cool. Erin says, “I remember Joe Cool.”

Great story, Erin.

Anyway, Peanuts is total shit. It was entirely marketing. Charles Schultz didn’t give a fuck about the comic by the 1980s. He just wanted to market everything. And it all became bland, homogonized, unfunny shit. Who are these people who find Peanuts post the 1980s or certainly the 1990s even REMOTELY endearing? What did you like about it? Show me a single funny comic strip.

And those awful television “specials” that he would crank out. I don’t even want to get started on that putrid shit.

34:15 – They’re playing Fishing Derby, or something. Erin is dreadful at it.

40:45 – Strawberry Shortcake. Erin doesn’t know the names of any of the characters, of course.

“I was more Rainbow Brite. I liked Strawberry Shortcake but I know the Rainbow Brite names but I admittedly don’t know all of these guys’ names.”

Erin, just admit that this is all before your time. It’s fine. Nobody cares. But she has to try to keep up this bizarre charade that she’s all about the 1980s, even though she was born in 1987 or 1986, depending on whether or not you believe that Cykill86 was Erin’s screen name or not.

44:00 – “I’ve never played any Neo Geo Pocket.”

You don’t say.

They’re playing Gremlins. Mike is explaining the concept. Erin says, “I’ve only seen the Gremlins once. I liked it.”

Uh huh.

Oh, I found that Peanuts article. It’s from 1993.

https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/418098180

It’s not quite the article. You have to pay for it. But here’s some of it:

You were good, Charlie Brown. When Charlie Brown finally hit a home run and won a baseball game late last month, speculation began in some the quarters, that the unprecedented success of lovable loser marked the beginning of the end of “Peanuts.” Next, the thinking went, Lucy would let him kick the football, he’d get a kite in the air and he’d score with the little red-haired girl. With these demons exorcised, the stage would be set for a few weeks of farewell strips. The long-forgotten characters such as Shermy, Frieda and Violet would return to say their goodbyes.

Schroeder and Lucy would elope. Linus would put his blanket in storage. Snoopy would slay the cat next door. And at last, amid a media orgy of praise, nostalgia and regret similar to that which Johnny Carson and Superman enjoyed last year and “Cheers” and “Knots Landing” are enjoying this year, the Peanuts gang would make a graceful and overdue exit from the comics pages. Overdue because “Peanuts” has become the Mickey Mantle of the funnies- -a once mighty force that is hanging on too long past its prime.

Mantle, a lifetime .298 hitter, hobbled through 1967 and 1968, his last two years, batting a mediocre (statistic missing). Peanuts simply isn’t amusing or relevant anymore. “Sure, life in the desert can be lonely at times,” thought Snoopy’s cousin Spike, sitting amid the cacti in the Feb. 25 strip. “But at least you know you’re not going to get hit in the face with a pie. He is then hit in the face with a pie.

(Missing chunk). “Probably he thinks. Last week, “Peanuts” spent four days mining the subject of what happens when the school bus doesn’t show up. Sample punch lines, “Does anyone remember the name of our school?” and “Ask if he remembers any of us.” Wednesday, the whole strip was Woodstock sliding off Snoopy’s head on the sleeping dog’s partly raised ear. Months now go by without a chuckle from Charlie Brown. Not to say that this makes “Peanuts” unique- “Fred Basset,” “Hagar the Horrible” and “Hi and Lois” are among the supposedly humorous strips that are similarly barren.

But is different from those others. used to matter. In the 1960s and 1970s, when its characters were NASA mascots and featured on the covers of Time, Newsweek and Life, the strip was a powerful and intriguing cultural force. Charlie Brown and ensemble were wry, ironic, philosophical and even theological junior adults, in a way, far more subtle and complex than the comics’ characters we were used to. I speak as a fan.

I bought all the books of strips when I was growing up, and some of the first analytical essays I ever wrote were 4th-grade speculations about the “Peanuts” kids, their geography, their relationship to their unseen parents and the degree to which they understood the thought balloons over Snoopy’s head. “What’s this?” asked Charlie Brown as Linus approached him at night holding a candle in a strip from a 1966 book. “I have heard,” said Linus, “that it is better to light a single candle than to curse the 99” Charlie Brown answered, “That’s true, although there will always be those who will disagree with you In the final panel we saw Lucy, raging against a black background, “You stupid darkness!” You may not find this still funny, though I do, but for its time, remember, it was cutting edge humor in newspaper comics. Creator Charles Schulz dealt gently and wisely with such topics as failure, insecurity, fantasy, love and politics, and the public went wild for “Peanuts” on Broadway and on TV.

‘Peanuts’ books flew out of the stores in their heyday,” said Bill Rickman, now president of Kroch’s and Brentano’s Inc. bookstores. “We used to carry 20 or 30 titles face out in a whole 4-foot section in our stores. Now we carry just four to six titles, and they don’t sell very well.” Pat Peterson, co-owner of Barbara’s Books, said she hasn’t carried “Peanuts” collections in 10 years because of lack of demand. “Maybe it’s just too gentle for our times,” she said. The newest generation of groundbreaking comics, “Calvin and Hobbes,” “Doonesbury,” “The Far Side,” and “Mr. Boffo,” for example, are edgy, dark, absurd and harshly satirical. “Peanuts,” meanwhile, is recycling the themes over and over again. What was Monday’s “Joe Grunge” joke, with Snoopy in fashionable rags, but a dusting off of the ancient “Joe Cool” joke? “Peanuts” remains the most widely syndicated strip in the world and surveys consistently put it in the top five in readership. But I suspect this reflects habit, not passion or keen interest. I read it every day myself, though it often makes me cringe-not so much because of what it is but because of what it was.

Schulz, 70, told me in an interview this week that he is “absolutely not” going to retire or bring the strip to a conclusion, and that he feels “Peanuts” is actually funnier than it’s ever been. Charlie Brown deserves better. He and the gang deserve a spectacular and grateful sendoff for all they have meant to us since 1950, a valedictory tour, a national day of tribute and farewell, not a fade. “The Cosby Show” knew when to go.

Peanuts limped on for seven more years, only ending when Charles Schultz died.

I’m scanning the last hour of this Zombie Gums video and Erin NEVER plays. It’s always Mike. She just gets a blanket like she’s about to go to sleep.

1:39:15 – Mike: “I want to show you what the real one looks like.”

Erin: Yeah, I forget what that one looks like.

You know what obscure game they’re talking about here? DONKEY KONG. Erin has never seen DONKEY KONG on the Atari 2600. Or at least she “forgets” what it looks like. Fucking unbelievable.