This video hit me in the face like a sledgehammer and I didn’t know what I was looking at until it was too late.
As soon as I turned it on, I felt jetlag at an existential level. You have this lobotomized, deadeyed girl with an oddly placed piercing and ‘#scenehair’–yes that’s one of the tags of the video—talking in monotone with terrible room echo, and jump cuts every 5-10 seconds. She’s sitting in front of a strangely offset leather couch draped over with a Pikachu bath towel and a ‘Gamer’s Spot’ novelty cushion from Hot Topic, but like the cushion is set vertically so the ‘controller here’ and ‘remote here’ patches don’t even make sense, unless the room is tilted at a 90-degree angle; and these are only the start of the visual tortures.
I don’t even think I’m making sense, but that’s just because this video is giving me vertigo, and also epilepsy I think, just like that Porygon episode they never aired; Chai Tea Valley watched that episode when she was 2 years old and hasn’t been right since. It explains the lack of affect and the way her left shoulder slumps downwards–that’s a sign of miscommunication between right and left hemisphere, and it comes on as a result of epileptic attack. How can I be sure? Because—I’m sorry I lost my train of thought again, suddenly there’s this shot-in-shot placed on the right side of the screen, where she’s showing off a Burger King bag. A used, sweaty, grease-filled burger bag from 1999—but that’s not what’s throwing me; what’s throwing me is that the video is sped up to 4x, but it’s not raw footage, it’s processed footage, which means it’s also jump cutting at 4x the speed of the main video. I want to fucking hurl.
Of course, if Chai Tea Valley watches the video back, she won’t notice this—her left field of view is distinctly isolated from her right one, it has its own personality and cognitive resources, it’s like a Docker container in her head; but point being that due to this handicap, she doesn’t realize this sort of effect makes the regular, fullbrained viewer puke.
Or maybe this is some kind of revenge, like because the Porygon episode fucked her up so much and arrested her development at the point of infancy, that she wants everyone else to know how it feels to have seizures and be obsessed with collecting first gen TCG. It’s working—I can’t feel my tongue anymore…
Oh god now the video is on the other side. She’s doing this on purpose. It’s the fucking Ludovico Technique. Oi my droogs, shall we now viddy this devotchka razrezat open a meshok of burger toys? She copped them off ebay, which means this is not her childhood at all, but in fact, a simulation of such, a means to feed the algorithm; hardly surprising given other suspicious factors (the youtube video description: “Take a nostalgic trip back to 1999…” , the tags: “#vintage, #y2k”… This y2k shit really bugs me, to break out of my semi-epileptic fit for a moment. Y2K was the name of the programming bug involving windows datetime; it doesn’t mean “several years before or after the year 2000”. That always used to be called ‘the millenium’ or ‘the turn of the century’. Never Y2K. No one started saying that shit until maybe two or three years ago, and the people who say it are always cynical nostalgia peddlers who trade on cultural memory, which is what Chai Tea Valley aspires to be, when she isn’t inducing 1999Hz hemispheric binaural beats into my golova… that’s almost Y2Khz.
Not to go on about it, but there’s something really off about this scene of her cutting open the bag: it’s sped up but she forgot to normalize the framerate. It has that weird soap opera effect like The Hobbit. Then she pulls out this garish-looking bright purple plushie doll of Oddish, adding even more elements to an already visually-horrible scene. That’s another thing about this video, it hasn’t been postprocessed so everything is too bright and saturated—but maybe it just feels like that because of the pokemon migraine this bitch gave me out of repressed childhood spite.
Now she’s reading off a script, some trivia factoid about a newspaper ad they put out to apologize for shortages of pokemon cards. She sounds like Biden reading the teleprompter. At first you might think she just fucking sucks at making videos, but I’m starting to think this is part of the hypnotic gestalt she’s setting up. The constant left/right side videos playing at different framerates make sense now–I think I saw this in a movie once, the point is to overtax your conscious mind so that the subliminal payload can enter your psyche without you defending against it. What is this shit, and why do I feel the sudden urge to go on Amazon and purchase a copy of Dianetics? This must be what happened to DancingWithGhosts: it’s why he has those weird cult books in frame when they have nothing to do with his channel; he even has the same hair as her… holy shit. I need to go take some Dramamine.
Oh yeah. That pillow doesn’t make sense. Your controller and remote would slide right off the pillow.
Even though she’s completely wooden, at least she’s talking about something that she seems to be genuinely interested in. The fact that she’s sort of making nature dioramas out of the figures suggests that this is a legitimate interest, as opposed to trying to shake nerds down for money by faking a nerd interest.
Charisma. 🤣
Also, nice job Alfred!
I presume the psychos at TCT got our reddit page shutdown for whatever reason. Any plans to relocate?
No, there’s no point. I had the perfect name and most of the traffic came from people who thought that they were on THECinemassacreTruth. But the subscribers were static or decreasing for like two years, ever since Reddit removed the ability to see when your post was cross-posted.
It was long overdue and I’m surprised that the subreddit lasted as long as it did. I just talked about how everybody there was gay for like five years. It was a good run but its time to move on.
Fair enough. It was always the first page I visited, but maybe best to move on like you said. Was it just a coincidence that the ban came down right after that new dude started posting a bunch? Forget his handle, but did he bring the trouble?
I wouldn’t say that he brought the trouble. I think that Alfred Fettuc (the guy who wrote this article) is the one who was posting those messages. Almost all of them were reported, presumably by a moderator on THECinemassacreTruth. I approved them all because there was nothing wrong with them, but there was actually one that I removed.
Then his account got deleted and all of the messages were deleted too. I suspect that he was banned.
If I had to guess, the sub was shut down because I told him to just create a new account if he wants to keep posting on the other sub. It’s a completely trivial comment, of course, but this is the problem with Reddit or Youtube or Twitter or any of these sites. You’re at the mercy of robot administrators who are completely unpredictable. You can talk about how everyone on a subreddit is gay every day for five years and then something completely minute sets off whatever the robot administrator’s algorithm is that day.
And if people want to shut the site down, they just file these nuisance complaints and eventually one will get through.
That makes total sense, and I do recall that particular comment that you made. You are probably right that it was the silver bullet. I agree that Alfred didn’t post anything too out of the ordinary on the page, however, it seemed to increase the angst of TCT mods even more. I am the guy that posted that he got banned from their site just for agreeing with someone in the thread that you mentioned and calling their mods inbred. I even had a bunch of badges from their site from years ago and never started any trouble once that page completely went to shit.
Because TCT gets to trash talk others with impunity but no one else must be allowed the same right. It breaks the illusion of superiority they have and that’s why these fuckers can’t take a joke. Newt and the Slobs will always rank above them, and that fact probably keeps them up at night.
I mean imagine the mod’s zit encrusted face when the realization hit him that some members of his precious sub like things *other* than the same ten memes as him. The horror, the horror.
This heinous miscarriage of justice must not be allowed to occur again!