https://www.patreon.com/SchlockandAweFilms
Newt was advertising this on Twitter recently so I thought, “Maybe I could throw the Ideas Man a few bucks in exchange for all of the (unintentional) entertainment he’s given me over the years.”
No. Not worth it.
He’s getting about $60/month from this. It’s free money, I guess. He’s certainly not doing anything extra on here to earn it. But still, it seems pretty pathetic.
“creating Nerdy content for Nerdy People”
All capitalizations are Newt’s. I never considered Newt to be particularly targeting the nerd demographic, but I guess he is. I just don’t really think of retards as nerds but…I guess they are? At least the retards that we’re dealing with. You look at somebody like Games & Movies, for example. He goes to nerd conventions and he goes to Disneyland and hugs all of the characters and shit, which…would be nerdy if a normal person did it. He doesn’t get a pass just because he’s mentally challenged, does he? Maybe he does because I never considered him to be a nerd, I considered him to be…mentally challenged.
So anyway, the Ideas Man has four subscriber tiers all with painfully unfunny pun (I guess) titles. There’s “Buck yea”, illustrating that Newt can’t even spell the word “yeah”. For one British pound you get…nothing, it seems. All it says is “Worse things someone can do with a dollar”, tortured grammar by way of Newt. I don’t know the dollar amounts and I’m not going to estimate so just figure that £1 = $1.50.
Three pounds a month is “Schlock and Roll”. I’m astonished that he got the capitalisation right. For this, you get “Patron-only updates” and “Chat community.” If he means the Discord, he advertises it semi-regularly for free.
£8.50 is “Schlocklate Chip Cookies”. “Every bit goes towards building better content as well as fostering a stronger community.” What does that mean? He’s not reinvesting any of this money into “fostering a stronger community.” I don’t even know how he could.
The only thing you get extra here is “early access.” Isn’t putting your shit on Patreon first the typical way to give people “early access” though? How is he giving people even earlier access? It’s not explained.
For £21.50, a huge jump, you get to the “Schlocktober fest” tier. “Oktoberfest”, of course, being one word. But this is “Schlocktober fest” so I guess it’s two words.
For this one, you get “All the bells and whistles. Early access and a peak (sic) behind the curtain on all the crazy stuff we are building this year and ramping up to 11 in 2023.”
He hasn’t updated this thing in two fucking years. He’s had at least two years to figure out that it’s “peek” and not “peak”. But what specifically do you get for THIRTY DOLLARS a month?
Well, you get livestreams. You get “Patron only updates”, something that even the £3 tier gives. You get “Patron only updates” AGAIN. You get “chat community”, which is also something that the £3 tier has. You get “early access” which was the baffling new thing that the £8.50 tier gave you. And finally, you get a second helping of “chat community.”
He lists six fucking things and two of them are repeats WITHIN THE SAME TIER. The only new thing you get are “livestreams” which…what livestreams? He streams on Youtube all the time for free. You just have to subscribe and it will show up.
But let’s look at these tier names again. Forget about the poor spelling and the unfunny puns. Also, let’s ignore that “Schlocklate Chip Cookies” would require you to pronounce “chocolate” in a pretty strange way in order for that to make any sense. Although, I think possibly some people do pronounce it that way. I’m thinking of a childhood friend.
Anyway, I’m just focusing on the unusual ranking system. Why is “rock and roll” before “chocolate chip cookies” and “Oktoberfest” is top tier? If you were to rank these things in terms of cultural impact, surely “rock and roll” would be first. Then…I don’t know. Which had the greater impact on society: chocolate chip cookies or Oktoberfest? As inconsequential as they are, more people probably know about chocolate chip cookies than Oktoberfest but I can’t bring myself to put fucking cookies over Oktoberfest. So I’m saying chocolate chip cookies should the lowest tier, then Oktoberfest, then rock and roll the highest tier.
So what’s this “Patron only” content? I think he means “Patreon only” but whatever…the guy is a fucking moron who can’t write.
Well, he has a post about the ghost that haunts his cinema. He should get Chris BORES on the case. Is the Ghost Doctor still treating patients? I know that he announced his retirement from the Irate Gamer show recently.
https://www.youtube.com/@GhostDoctor/videos
No, his last video was four months ago.
Oh, he gave his website a fancy redesign, though. It has scrolling pictures and everything like it’s 1997. Stick some animated gifs and midi music in there while you’re at it.
The doctor is having an “afterlife workshop”. Only twenty bucks a ticket. This flyer has the price of the ticket with a lot of extra spacing after it in case he wants to change the price later. Which I suspect he’s going to have to do.
But what do you get in this “afterlife workshop”?
- “How to avoid being ‘stuck’ in the afterlife”
- “How to ascend energetically”
- “How to protect your soul”
I mean…I guess those could be useful things to know. Who doesn’t want to “ascend energetically”. Whatever the fuck that means.
This is through Zoom or something, right? Oh my god, it isn’t. This is a real thing. He rented out a hotel lobby or something for this. Let me look this up.
No, this is Global Tech College. What the fuck is this? Some scam for-profit college, I bet.
It’s not noteworthy enough for Wikipedia. It’s a pretty small building. They apparently have 46 students paying an average of $11,600/year. What can they possibly be teaching? Ghost hunting?
Their Twitter hasn’t been updated in six years.
Their website refuses to load. The server might be haunted.
Oh, it finally loaded. Business management and IT. I think it’s associate degrees. And I don’t think that they’re accredited by any respectable body. But they do tell you how easy it is to get student loans.
Anyway, that’s where the afterlife convention was. It was last month so I already missed it. I’d be fascinated to know how many people showed up, if any.
Oh, he’s also doing a “Holidays Bereavement Lecture.” Is that for this coming December or last December? It must be last December. He just hasn’t updated this. But that’s also at this scam college. Maybe the students are required to attend and there’s some kickbacks involved.
TWO HOURS. But you’ll learn:
- “How the afterlife works for passed loves ones”
- “Signs to look out for that loved ones send”
- “Increase your chances for spiritual contact”
- “How to keep out wandering Ebeneezer ghosts”
Obviously, that last one is the best. How many times have you been plagued by greedy Dickensian workhouse owners?
It doesn’t even make sense. Ebeneezer Scrooge didn’t haunt ANYONE. He was the one being haunted by being shown the results of his own miserly ways.
God, it’s such a palette cleanser reading Dr Bores’ website. Say what you want about this nutjob, the man knows how to spell, unlike the fucking professional writer Newt Wallen.
But back to the drudgery of…eugh…”The Ideas Man.”
“What should I be writing next” is one of the articles you get to read on his Patreon. How about a solemn pledge to never write another “movie” again? Or what about a carefully crafted letter of apology to that woman who died from cancer and all you talked about was how much you fucked her up the ass? Or how about some nice fat refund cheques to every retard who ever “donated” money to you?
Or, here’s an idea, what if Newt did some ACTUAL reviews of the movies that he plagiarised for? Do it for fucking Monster Madness. Take the exact same movies that were reviewed for that year’s Monster Madness but do your own reviews this time. So no 9/11 shit this time. I’m not saying it would set the world on fire but the fags on Reddit would probably talk about it. You’d get a slight boost to your channel. And it would be funny and clever and…all of the things that Newt isn’t.
So, the problem with the Internet is that, these days, it has all been reduced to four or five sites, each one pointing to the others. We’ve got Twitter, YouTube, Reddit, Instagram, and… that’s about it, I think. Google, maybe. I don’t remember the last time I actually googled for something.
Those sites and their ‘content creators’ have all collaboratively worked to turn the Internet into a never-ending noise chamber, where everyone keeps yelling things at you like, ‘Validate my efforts,’ ‘Please give me money,’ ‘I am a girl, give me money,’ ‘I am an expert, give me money,’ ‘Just give me money.’ It’s like going into one of those marketplaces where vendors believe that the louder they scream, the more money they will get. Those are very common here in Mexico, and I really hate them. This is an extremely noisy country. It might be difficult to imagine for someone from, say, Europe, but here, people sell stuff door to door, but instead of actually knocking, they get on a bike or some other cheap vehicle and announce their products at full volume. All day long, one after the other. You’d have to live in a very tall building or some other similarly private space to avoid hearing them at all times.
That’s what the Internet is now. A never-ending ad. I like watching TV and have resorted to preferring YouTube, where at least the time-to-watch is much shorter than, say, Netflix, where you can very well spend a whole hour just browsing. And I pay for YouTube Premium, as its ads really wore me down. But now each ‘content creator’ has their own ‘sponsors’ you have to suffer through. Not to mention that the actual content is usually just one or two minutes of actual show, padded with filler to make the video longer.
And still… Patreon (aka OnlyFans for those who are ashamed of the blue brand) is ubiquitous. Why would I give anyone money for ‘early access’? That would work against everybody’s interests. And besides, it’s not like having this early access would spoil anything for those outside of the ‘inner circle.’ We can just wait it out. There’s not even a schedule. ‘Patreon only’ content? Yeah, right, as if those ‘content creators’ would forfeit the dollars coming from YouTube ads.
Funny and illuminating. There was a Mexican guy who would sell ice cream in a cart when I was a kid. Just a push kart that he’d roll down the street. I guess it’s a similar principle.
Chris Bores knows how to spell? Au contraire. From that workshop flyer: Deeepen. How about this garbled tweet from April: Bores – Ghost Behaviorist
@ChrisBoresIG
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Apr 8
Just think about they DNA spliced creatures they don’t publicly announce. Oh yes, they are out there and it’s go8jg on currently.
I’ve seen those things in vision-like states. They aren’t for the faint of heart.
Also, his books are filled with typos and poor grammar. His first book, , Pursuit of the Paranormal, the final sentence is (or ends with) “Keep pursing the paranormal.”
Those are typos. Newt genuinely doesn’t know how to spell.