Gamer Girls

0:00 – “Long time no see. If you don’t know, I’ve had surgery on my gums.”

I don’t get it. I really don’t. Why is Zombie Gums so obsessed with telling people about her disgusting surgery? This is how she starts the stream. She’s been bragging about this FOR WEEKS on Twitter.

There is not a single dental procedure that I EVER want to hear about. Root canals, crowns, fillings, cleanings, I don’t give a shit. I don’t want to hear it. It’s gross. It’s between you and your dentist. Keep it there.

But Erin is BOASTING about this. About zombie gums. It’s the craziest fucking thing in the universe. Who does this? Who boasts about dental procedures? And this is a particularly disgusting procedure even by the disgusting standards of dental procedures.

I know that she didn’t use cadaver tissue but what happened is that the dentist cut tissue from the roof of her mouth and then grafted it onto her gums. It’s completely vile. Who wants to hear this?

If this is a procedure that you need, which I’m not actually sure anybody does need, I think it’s a bizarre cosmetic surgery, but whatever. Let’s say you need it. Fine. Get the zombie gums. But would you go around bragging about it? This is something that you don’t tell anybody about. People don’t need to know this. People don’t want to know this. And you shouldn’t want people to know about your fucking zombie gums.

People are going to be looking at your gums. Is that what you want? I can’t get the idea that Erin has zombie gums out of my head. I can never look at her the same way. She’s going to be Zombie Gums forever for me. And there was no need for any of this. All she had to do was not fucking talk about it. I never would have known.

And then Mike immediately makes a face like he’s disgusted by this. Because he is. Anybody would be. It’s vile. Why is he not stopping her? Why did he not tell her to retract those Twitter posts?

Erin then proceeds to tell you, in detail, how the procedure was performed. It’s absolutely fucking disgusting. And Mike makes an exaggerated expression like Kevin from Home Alone where he puts his hands on his cheeks and screams. It’s madness. Mike, fucking stop her. Do something. You know that this is insanity. Nobody on earth wants to hear about her fucking zombie gums. YOU don’t want to hear about it.

Mike has to fucking kiss this woman now who has ZOMBIE GUMS. How? How could he do it? But Erin, completely clueless, continues her boastful description of this completely disgusting procedure. Mike should be physically removing her from his home right now. “I’m sorry. The zombie gums are too much. Get the fuck out of here. I’ll have your shit shipped back to your parents’ home. Do not come back.”

0:45 – Erin is now, thankfully, moving on to the Nintendo Direct…whatever this is. She says, “I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet.”

You don’t say. When you’re not remotely interested in something, you find that you tend not to get around to it.

1:30 – Now she’s doing her Romper Room Magic Mirror thing where reads the names of everyone in the chat. Apparently, somebody asked how she’s doing because she says that she’s feeling better. Imagine that. One of the horntards must have said, “So how are the zombie gums doing, Erin?”

Terrible sound volume on this thing. I can’t hear what Zombie Gums is saying over the loud video that they’re watching. I’m missing all of her gems.

4:30 – Mike says “I like playing Steam” in reference to Erin’s bizarre suggestion that she and Mike aren’t in the “handheld demographic.”

Mike has made these sorts of odd comments about Steam in the past. He seems to use the word “Steam” instead of “PC games.” It’s just weird. Even if you get all of your PC games from Steam and that’s all that you’ve ever known, which I can’t imagine is the case for Mike, even knowing that he seems to have little experience with PC games before…I don’t know…2005 or so, he has to know that these are PC games. That’s the term. Not “Steam games”. Steam is just the platform through which to buy the games.

15:30 – They’re talking about how you can chat to other players on this Nintendo Switch 2. A common feature. Mike even states as much, talking about how you can use headphones to chat to people. He’s presumably talking about “Steam games.”

But then he makes an absolutely insane comment. Erin says that this chat feature is mostly for friends, as opposed to strangers, which I don’t think is true but whatever. Mike then says, “Then why not just pick up a phone and call them?”

BECAUSE YOU’RE PLAYING A GAME, ASSHOLE. DO YOU SERIOUSLY NOT GET IT? You’re going to pick up a phone to talk to people while playing a game? How is that going to work? You have three hands?

“Let’s say you were somewhere else and I’m here, I’ll just have you on the phone and I won’t pay.”

Mike is under the mistaken impression that you have to pay for the chat feature. Let’s just assume that’s true, which it isn’t. Sure, you can use some free app to talk to somebody. That’s possible. But how are you holding the fucking phone, you moron?

Erin tries to explain in some bizarre fashion but she has NO IDEA how any of this works so it’s like a dog trying to explain how this works.

18:45 – Mike says that he bought Super Mario World in 1991 and doesn’t want to pay a monthly bill for it. Well, good news, Mike…THAT’S NOT WHAT’S HAPPENING. YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Mike is REALLY complaining about the costs of this shit. Bear in mind that this is somebody who I suspect has paid at least TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS for Erin’s ZOMBIE GUMS. But now twenty a bucks a month for some subscription is too much.

21:00 – “All I’m thinking about is how my Genesis Everdrive has Master System games on. I’ll just play Master System.”

IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. He’s watching this video about Switch 2 games and talking about how he’d rather play Master System games. Then go play them, asshole. Nobody gives a shit. What the fuck does it have to do with what you’re watching?

I’m turning this off. This is boring as fuck. Erin knows NOTHING about ANYTHING and Mike seems even more clueless. I didn’t even think that that was possible.

We haven’t got an update on Erin’s zombie gums. I hope it’s not because of my previous article about them. I’m dying to know. She promised to give an update when her gums heal, which was scheduled for a week from her previous tweet. That was over a week ago. I want close up pictures of her zombie gums. Show them off, Erin. Mike paid ten grand for those zombie gums. We want to see the results. Show those sexy zombie gums.

Oh yeah. I remember when this woman died. I wonder if Newt tweeted about it.