Gamer Girls

I didn’t mean to talk about Newt again so soon but I’ve got some devastating news. Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls is off. Newt needs to film this at a “haunt”, which neither I nor PVC Bondage Guy nor anyone knows what that means. So Newt explained that he means a “haunted attraction.” Like at an amusement park.

The place that Newt contacted said that they’re in their “build season” so Newt can’t film there unless he pays a certain amount of money. Newt doesn’t have that kind of money. Of course. So there goes Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls.

Why would this even have to be filmed in a “haunted attraction”? The first part of the movie takes place in a van, then some of it takes place in Screenwave’s office, and most of it takes place in a castle. You’re telling me that they can’t halfass this like they halfass everything else? Like the script was halfassed? Not even. It was a tiny fraction of an ass. Maybe 1/256 of an ass.

What reputable amusement park would even let them film this fucking shitty softcore porn in there anyway? These places are for children. You’re going to have some fucking degenerate filming his shit movie with a prostitutes in there? And it would be obvious which amusement park it is from the fucking props and whatever in there.

So Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, is out. Amityville Pool Toy Massacre is in. I have that script too. Newt posted it in his Discord. Do I really want to read this? It’s going to be another giant piece of shit.

I’m skimming this script. It has a character named “Crystal”. Uh huh.

0:30 – Newt says that he wrote this shitty pool party script in 2018. Probably in a day.

2:15 – Newt was talking to….somebody…in a Subway restaurant who wanted him to write a script. So he shit something out and it became something else and then something else and eventually it became Ammityville Pool Toy Massacre. Extensive plagiariasm throughout.

PVC Bondage Guy can barely keep her eyes open. She’s literally yawned at least four times so far.

But back to Subway. The only interesting part of this story. I wonder what Newt went for. Six inch or twelve inch? Which bread did he get? Is this even how they order Subway in the US? Let me look this up.

Tough to say. On this ordering website, you can’t customise anything but on the official Subway USA website, they do give you the various options. We get the same breads in the UK except for malted rye. Also, “Italian” and “Hearty Italian” are two separate bread types. The “hearty” version is crunchier.

I’m surprised that they’re no brown bread. Am I crazy? Does such a thing exist? It must be possible. There’s brown bread. There must be a brown roll.

They have some weird toppings in the US too. Capsicum? What even is that? Oh, red pepper. You think you could have said “red pepper”? Yeah, they have that in the UK Subways. Green peppers, anyway. It’s the same thing.

Carrots? I’m not sure if they have that here. According to the Subway UK website they do. Maybe it varies by location, maybe I’m just not paying attention.

You can get sweet corn on your Subway sandwiches in London but definitely not anywhere in Scotland. I don’t know how far out this sweet corn topping exists. I always found it a very pecuiliar choice.

Slight differences in the sauces too.

But $12 for a foot long sandwich? That’s probably about what it costs in the UK. Are the days of cheap fast food in the US over?

2:45 – “So I had this idea for a haunted pool movie.”

And PVC Bondage Guy nods, trying to feign interest in this.

Isn’t Newt at all embarrassed? This is fucking pathetic. His scripts are AWFUL. Beyond awful. A child would be ashamed to turn this shit in for a school assignment. But he has these parasitic prostitutes and these lunatics all enabling his delusions.

“When I was still seeing Crystal…a friend of ours was having a pool party.”

PVC Bondage Guy nods and looks away when Newt mentions Horseface. How fucking awkward is this. She must have to listen to this fucking faggot obsessing over Horseface ALL THE TIME. Why does she do it? Why subject yourself to that?

So Newt got hit in the head by an inflatable alligator at this pool party full of sexy ladies and it sparked his imagination. Like Isaac Newton and the apple. A couple of visionaries both with the name Newt. But instead of writing a theorum on gravity, Newt Wallen wrote a piece of shit tits and gore script.

3:15 – “Then I got browbeated by Crystal like, ‘We don’t have the money, we don’t have the people.'”

Plus, it sucks dick.

But Newt is telling this story like Horseface is some harpie who’s destroying his tits and gore dreams. No. Did you have the money? Did you have the people? Didn’t the script suck penis?

“In 2019, I had a draft that pretty much everyone was happy with. Well, I don’t know. Crystal was happy with it. She never actually read it.”

Newt. She knew it was shit. What have you ever written that was good? Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls was shockingly bad. I mean, I knew that you couldn’t write but I wasn’t prepared for this level of suckage. This is legit retard level shit.

3:45 – “And then the (something) movie came out this year about the haunted pool and I was like, ‘What the fuck?'”

Well, you have some inspiration for your movie then. You can really beef up the plagiarism.

4:00 – “We were doing Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, which I think is a really fun idea. I did a video about it.”

The worst script I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’m including the play that three girls (who weren’t even good students) wrote in my sixth grade class that we ended up doing about a haunted dance.

“It was between that and Amityville Halloween, which I wrote for Fallon and I but I could never get a read on her on whether or not she wanted to do it.”

She doesn’t. Even whores have standards.

“So I was like fuck it, I’ll do the pool one because it will just be an excuse to have a lot of girls in bikinis.”

Sounds like a good basis for a movie. It would be good for people who don’t have internet access or access to pornographic DVDs or access to pornographic magazines or sexy woodcarvings and aren’t allowed to go outside to just see women walking around in sexy summer attire. That’s Newt’s demographic for this movie. Shut ins with no access to any kind of erotica.

4:30 – “Basically the story of this one is…”

It’s so humiliating. PVC Bondage Guy is just sitting there humouring this total fucking retard. It’s like a mother listening to her child’s idiotic ideas. “Oh yeah. And then the lady takes her top off? That’s a good one, Newt. It sounds like it’s going to be a hit.”

It’s about a haunted pool where the pools come to life. You know how every one of James Rolfe’s short “films” is about an inanimate object that comes to life and chases him? That’s what this movie is. With tits and gore.

Newt says that he wrote a part for himself called Ranger Rick and the “joke” here is that he doesn’t understand why people find the name funny. Umm…I have to say that I’m not getting it either, Ideas Man.

Then Newt says that he wrote a part for Crystal and again, as soon as Newt says “Crystal”, PVC Bondage Guy looks away. She’s sick and fucking tired of this. We all are. Fuck off you fucking pathetic faggot. Move on with your life.

But Newt says that he got Madeline to agree to this. So presumably, she’s going to take the Horseface role. This crack whore is Newt’s substitute Crystal.

5:45 – Newt excitedly talks about a scene where a woman gets raped by “pool noodles”. Whatever those are.

6:15 – Newt says that he plagiarised a scene from The Birds for this piece of shit too.

“It’s a lot of conversation-based stuff.”

Oh sure. It sounds like a real think piece. And we know how skilled Newt is at writing dialogue.

Well, let’s just find a sample from the actual script. I’ll go to a random page.

RICK: then again maybe this is all part of some….occult plan

KELSEY: you all right there champ

RICK: just…stick with me for a hot sec. from the renting of the place. all these stories you told me. the way
that guy Jake just so happened to have alllll that information

KELSEY: jack

RICK: right. Like everyone’s been laying bread crumbs for you to follow back. leading you down a path…your friends….no where to be found. which leads you from the comforts of the house. out into the darkness. right to..

KELSEY: This truck….what are you saying here Ranger

RICK: well. what if this is like a….ritual..a…I don’t now. a wicker man type community.

KELSEY: and what…my friends and I are some sorta….sacrifice.

RICK: And what If…I don’t know…what if, “I’m” part of that plan

Dogshit, Newt. Total dogshit.

6:30 – “The idea after that is to go into Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls in November.”

It’s all dogshit.

“I’m really excited. I’ve wanted to do this pool story for a long time. And I don’t fucking care, nobody saw Night Swim anyway.”

All the easier to plagiarise then. But compared to Amityville Pool Toy Massacre, Night Swim will be…well, let me actually look this up.

Newt has completely lost his mind. That’s an actual movie. Distributed by Universal. $15 million budget. It made $54 million.

Newt is making a “movie” with his prostitute “friends” for a thousand bucks (if that) and a bunch of children’s pool toys. Shot on his phone.

Then Newt excitedly mentions all of the inflatable pool toys that he has. Like that’s going to get anybody excited to see this. “Boy, I can’t wait to see this inflatable shark rape a prostitute. That’s entertainment.”

8:15 – “One of them has pool noodles that rip through their titties.”

Newt is describing his vision for this work of art. Even PVC Bondage Guy, who’s doing her best to humour this fucking retard, can barely contain her revulsion.

8:45 – “The producer was like, ‘What’s the motivation?’ And I was like, ‘The motivation is that we’re going to have a lot of fucking chicks with big ass titties in bikinis.'”

It sounds like this mentally-challenged “producer” wants a script that isn’t a total piece of shit. How silly of him. And Newt, totally unequiped to produce such a script, has to rely on his prostitute “friends” to deliver any sense of value to this thing.

“And funny dialogue.”

Mmm…I’m just going to say it. Without reading the script beyond a passing glance, I’m willing to bet my life that there’s not a single even REMOTELY funny line in this script.

“And again, that sounds so gross when I say it out loud.”

Do you think so, Newt?

Then PVC Bondage Guy says that she hopes that she has a role in the movie. Newt says that he has a part for her.

Newt then says that the Mexican wrestler in Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls was a part that he wrote for PVC Bondage Guy. This was one of the more baffling parts of this script that was full of baffling choices. The character was introduced as part of a new team of “monsters”. Never mind the fact that a Mexican wrestler is not a monster. But then, as soon as the character was introduced, it was never mentioned again.

Couldn’t it at least be a zombie Mexican wrestler? I mean, why am I writing this piece of shit? It makes NO SENSE that you’re introducing new monsters that this mad scientist created and out comes a MEXICAN WRESTLER.

Many years ago, I saw somebody was selling sock monkeys with lucha libre masks. I wanted one but I didn’t have money at the time. Then when I got some money, I looked it up and couldn’t find it. I don’t know what happened to those monkeys. It was just somebody selling them from their website. They were obviously making them in their spare time.

I had a sock monkey as a kid. I was maybe 15 and I saw it laying out in the trash. Somebody obviously had a garage sale and they just dumped all of the shit that didn’t sell. And I’m walking to school and I feel really bad seeing that monkey. But I can’t pick it up because I’m not going to go to school carrying a fucking sock monkey.

So after school, I’m walking home and I see that monkey again. And it looks like it’s about to start raining. And I think, “I can’t leave this monkey here.” So I looked around, made sure that nobody was watching, and quickly tucked that monkey under my jacket and rushed home.

I was like 15 and by this time, my scumbag mother had already put all of my stuffed animals in the mouldy basement, dooming them to destruction, but I could at least save this one monkey. And I kept it hidden in my room and even though my mother knew where it was, she let me keep it. And it was still there, safe in my room, when I moved to the UK, whatever, ten years later.

10:00 – “There are actresses who are uptight about that kind of thing?”

You mean having “pool noodles” shot out of their tits and getting raped by inflatable sharks? Yeah. You know. Some uptight bitches out there. Good thing all of your “actresses” are fucking literal whores.

“But there’s also a thing where I want to look sexy on camera. I want to look powerful.”

Oh sure. It’s so empowering to get raped by an inflatable shark while “pool noodles” are shooting out of your nipples.

10:15 – “I want women to look their best on camera.”

Fuck this fucking asshole. Trying to justify the disgusting, retarded bullshit that he does as some kind of feminist empowerment.

10:45 – “I know how stupid I am. How many times are we hanging out and you show a little cleavage and I completely forget what I’m talking about.”

It’s a man, Newt. What don’t you understand? Well, he is gay.

11:00 – “In the concept of filmmaking, a lot of people are scared to make those kind of things any more.”

You mean total dogshit that nobody wants to watch? I don’t think it’s fear so much as the economic reality and the complete lack of artistic merit.

11:30 – “Maybe it’s a kink. Maybe I like powerful women. Because I’ve dated mostly women who are taller than me.”

It’s not hard to do when you’re 5’3″ or whatever Newt is.

14:00 – He’s talking about Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls. “All my friends who are sex workers have read it and they’re like, dude, yes, this is the fucking script we’ve been looking for.”

I can’t even imagine a universe where that would A) be said and; B) somebody would believe it.

14:30 – “I just start writing. I don’t plot anything out.”

It shows, you fucking retard.

14:45 – “I gave this to all my ‘friends’ who have Fansly and Only Fans and they’re sex workers and they were like, ‘Oh fuck yeah, dude. We want to be involved in this’. So that made me happy to know that, okay, I’m serving that audience and as long as they’re happy with it, there’s some kind of truth in that art. That will then hopefully translate to people who just want to see the tits and want to see the gore and stuff like that.”

Newt, there is not one shred of “art” anywhere in that total piece of garbage that you shat out in a day.