Gamer Girls

Well, Newt Wallen Week continues here at the Gamer Girls Blog. Newt posted his Ghouls, Ghouls, Ghouls, script that he shat out in a day on his Discord and invited feedback. Ideas Man, in many ways, you’ve saved the blog so I’m happy to provide some feedback.

This is the second draft. He probably spent a few minutes on it.

This looks like it was typed on a typewriter. He obviously used some font that makes it look like typewriter letters. So alright. I like that. This might be the only praise I give but it shows that I’m going in with a totally open mind. Maybe it’s good. Stranger things have happened. All of the whores who he showed it to said it was good, after all.

So the script starts with a quote from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. I mean, technically it’s not plagiarism because it’s in quotes but…let’s hope it improves from here. This is really hackey, by the way, starting the movie with a quote.

Then we get the protagonists of the movie: Toby and Crusty. They’re described as two “heavy set” (it’s one word, Newt) “grunts”. Toby is described as having a beard.

I’m not making this up. These are obviously supposed to be Tony from Hack the Movies and Justin Silverman. Newt needs to be assessed to make sure that he’s not a danger to himself or anyone else. This is fucking insane. A retard PAID MONEY so that Newt can shit this script out that’s just petty revenge…FOR WHAT? Petty revenge for NEWT plagiarising 20 scripts. Newt is mad that he got rightly fired. And apparently Newt then said some heinous shit to Tony, Horseface, and Justin and they rightly got upset and stopped talking to him. Newt somehow sees himself as the victim in all of this.

JUST MOVE ON, NEWT. THIS WAS YEARS AGO.

In his Discord, PVC Bondage Guy has a rule forbidding you from talking about Cinemassacre, Screenwave, Tony, Justin, Horseface, Reddit, whatever. She says that it happened years ago so we want to move past that.

Fine. I agree. THEN DO THAT. Don’t shit out a script where you’re trying to dunk on your former friends. Especially over a rift that YOU were the cause of.

A Horseface character has to be in this, right? Let’s find out.

So Toby and Crusty — or should we just use their actual names: Tony and Justin Silverman, are dressed as Gilligan and the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island. More plagiarism and more mindless attacks on Tony and Justin. I don’t even know what the joke is. Maybe he’ll explain. It’s also not explained which one is Gilligan and which one is the Skipper.

Nothing is capitalised, by the way. Like the first word of a sentence of proper nouns. Maybe that’s just the style.

Oh, look at this awful, unnatural, unfunny, awkward, stilted dialogue.

Tony: the chick on the phone said they were out this way. even said and I quote. “its way ways out in the middle of nothing at all’

Justin: got that right. You know this area is called the land version of the Bermuda Triangle.

Tony: this is Pennsylvania

Justin: its still a “sylvania”. spooky scary shit happens out here man. you know this state has a town called intercourse and one called blue balls. and they are right up near each other.

None of this comes out of anywhere. None of this is organic. It’s all just stupid sexual “jokes” shoehorned in.

And “it’s still a sylvania”? How is that even going to be spoken? People won’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. There wasn’t even a reference to Transylvania first.

Newt. This is dog shit. Do I have to read the next 66 pages? By the way, I believe that movie scripts are typically 90 pages at a minimum. One page a minute. Is that right? Let me look this up.

Yeah. The average movie script is 90 to 120 pages. That accords with the average length of a movie.

So this is going to be 67 minutes of shit. Well, less is more when it comes to this dogshit.

Also, Justin calls Tony “little buddy” so Justin must be the Skipper character.

Just look at this:

“when are we friggen not. oh and not for notta. but dont blame me. you okay’d the price of this 3 hour tour. undercut our competition to such a degree I doubt we see a red cent .trucking in the keystone states devils triangle. with a buncha gnarly ass spooky cargo in the way back”

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S TRYING TO BE CONVEYED.

I’ve not left anything out. I’m still on the second fucking page. The first page of dialogue. What the fuck is this? This is trash. He shit this out in a day and it shows.

In case you’re unaware what Newt is plagiarising from, for the benefit of non-American readers, the “three hour tour” thing is a reference to the 1960s tv show Gilligan’s Island. Keystone State…is is the nickname of Pennsylvania? I assume so. Devil’s Triangle is a reference to the Bermuda Triangle. No capitalisation or apostrophe use makes an already confusing script even more difficult to read. “Not for notta” means “not for nothing”. That took me a while to figure out and I’ve been speaking English for a good while.

Newt, this is dogshit.

Then there’s a cut to the distant relative of Frankestein with the appaling line, “these collection calls will not stop me. nor my unquenchable thirst for unlocking the great mysteries of science. Beware; for I am fearless, and therefore powerful”.

Newt. Stop this. Stop this immediately and do something proper with your life. This is a fucking sick joke. It’s a sick joke on your own life.

None of this is even grammatically correct. I get that he’s trying to make her speak in ye olde English or whatever but it’s just Ye Olde Dogshit. This is a complete fucking disaster. Can you believe that these whores said that this was GOOD?

Newt. There are no amount of rewrites that can improve this. It’s shit. Every page is going to be shit. I just know it. Throw it out and do something productive with your life.

Oh look at this. Very next line is Justin saying, “you take a peak at any of it”. “PEEK”, you retard. And it’s not…I know he’s trying to write like how people speak or at least how he speaks. But would somebody not start the sentence with “DID”?

Then Justin says, “so what you see”. He’s asking a question. “So what DID you see?” What’s Newt’s beef with the word “did”? What’s Newt’s beef with the English language?

Justin says, “zip it…well 1st tell me what was in those crates. then shut all the fuck the way up”

First of all, he writes “first” as “1st” because he’s a fucking retard and trying to shave ever second he can off of actually writing this. Secondly…what? “Shut all the fuck the way up.” Who the fuck speaks like this? ANYBODY? The use of language isn’t even clever. It’s baffling. This is like a fucking mental patient wrote this.

That mentally ill Korean murderer who wrote Richard McBeef for an assignment in college wrote a more sensible and coherent script than this complete fucking dogshit of Newt’s. And English wasn’t even his native language.

How much have I written so far? Oh fuck. I’m not going to get through 67 pages in one article. Newt Week will have to continue.

Justin says, “well. thats why i get to wear the little captain hat. getting other people to do our work. or half assing the job has paid off pretty well for us in the past my portly chum bucket”

This whole script is just Newt’s petty revenge against Justin Silverman and Tony from Hack the Movies. For Newt plagiarising 20 scripts.

Somebody PAID MONEY for this. For this derranged, horribly-written revenge script. And that person wants this complete piece of shit turned into a movie starring literal whores.

Tony says, “well ill be dipped in shit” as in “Well, I’ll be damned”. What is this? He’s ripping off James Rolfe’s scat fetish now? It was just a weird excuse to shoehorn another painfully unfunny joke in here.

Then there’s a sudden shift, (that was all taking place in a van, by the way) to a castle. And Newt says, “Obvious shot from an old Roger Corman movie of a gothic manor.”

He’s giving production notes, or whatever the term might be, telling you which movies he wants to PLAGIARISE from. And he goes with Roger Corman because he died recently and it’s fresh in Newt’s mind. This is unbelievably bad. Why is this guy so obsessed with plagiarism? I mean…there wasn’t even a need for this. He could have just said, “Shot of a gothic manor.” Why does it have to be a PLAGIARISED shot of a gothic manor?

So now we’re introduced to Dr Pierce Lemlie, the distant relative of Dr Frankenstein. The name is presumably a satirical pun that’s beyond my tiny-brained understanding. She’s assisted by Shegore, who’s a plagiarised Igor character described as, “A beautiful woman aside from the Hunchback eye and one way larger breast.”

It’s like a fifth grader wrote this. A fifth grader who’s not a good student. “Way larger”…what a fucking…let’s move on.

So Justin and Tony see this woman with the “way larger” breast and we get:

Tony: would yah get a load of this freak show

Justin: would you ?

Tony: oh 100 percent. look at me. you think I got standards

Justin: I would think the same for any lass willing to lay with a slob like you

So we have Newt using Reddit’s pathetic term of “slobs” in reference to the Screenwave guys as he continues to ham-fistedly insult his former friends because he plagiared 20 scripts for Monster Madness.

Newt, you’re the biggest fucking piece of shit on earth.

Then Tony insults Justin’s weight in this script. Justin insults Tony’s weight. Then Tony says something curious. “oh no. not at orgy castle. Please….no…anything but that….jack ass”

You might be thinking, “Wait…did they set up that this is an ‘orgy castle'”? Of course they didn’t. There was nothing in the script to indicate that this was an “orgy castle”. Just a regular old castle. The orgy-less variety. But Tony, from out of nowhere, calls it an “orgy castle” simply because he sees this Igor character with the one “way bigger” breast.

Newt, this is shit, and you’re shit.

Justin then says, “go unload the fucking back”

NOBODY TALKS LIKE THIS. They’re talking about the back of the van. Alright? Would you describe unloading the back of the van in this manner? Of course not. Nobody would. You would say “unload the VAN”. This script is FULL of bizzare mangling of the English language. He’s trying to do some dialect, I guess, but it’s a dialect of somebody with no familiarity with the English language. It’s a dialect that doesn’t exist.

Tony turns to Shegore as he’s trying to “unload the back” and says, “so umm…lil hand would be super”

NOBODY talks like this. But the reason he said “hand” instead of “help” is to set up the completely unfunny, unoriginal, mindless “joke” where Shegore starts clapping. Why would Shegore even do that? Why is Shegore an asshole to Tony for no reason?

Because this is how Newt thinks. Newt is an asshole to people for no reason.

Tony: doctor miss…what. if you dont mind me asking is in…

Shegore: she does

I didn’t leave any important context out. There is no important context. Tony is asking what’s in the crate that they’re hauling out of “the back” and Shegore says “she does”. She does…what? What is this an answer to? It’s an answer to nothing. Newt is on another fucking planet. None of this even makes sense. I’d say that it’s a typo of some sort but the whole fucking script is like this.

How is Newt not embarrassed to show shit like this? And he has HUNDREDS of these completely nonsensical tits and gore scripts that make NO FUCKING SENSE. Full of spelling errors. Full of grammar errors. And just…logical errors. It’s like people are just saying random words. I’ve never seen anything even approaching as bad as this is.

I get that some people aren’t very good at writing. Spelling, grammar, unimaginative content, I can forgive all of that. But this is…it doesn’t even make sense. This is just the spiteful ramblings of a lunatic who can’t get over the fact that he was rightly fired for grossly unprofessional conduct. This is the sort of thing that the crazy guy yelling on the street would write. And he has hundreds of these and he thinks that they’re good.

Tony and Justin leave, heavily winded. Shegore makes a series of bizarre, insulting comments to them. Dr Frankenstein’s relative says that it’s time to “science”. Then suddenly Dr Frankenstein’s relative is in bondage gear for some reason. There’s a lot of detail on what she’s wearing.

Then Dr Frankenstein, in this bondage gear, pulls back a sheet and reveals a topless woman. Her breast size, oddly, is not mentioned.

Then suddenly we see…other…creatures. Why? I don’t know. Nothing is explained. Just suddenly other creatures appear. One second she’s at this topless cadaver about to do…something…and the next second some other creatures are revealed.

There’s Photog, an ape with a camera for a head.

There’s Fritz, a 40 year old lab assistant in a horror movie shirt and a lab coat. I guess that this is the character that Newt wants to play.

Then there’s Saphire, “a tall redhead in tight skirt and crop top”.

Uh huh. Horseface.

These three people say that they’re confused. You’re not the only ones.

Then Dr Frankenstein’s relative goes into a monologue, out of nowhere, of course, saying that her family has been hunted for generations.

In response to this, Fritz says, “we live in a castle.” Total non sequitur. This piece of shit “script” is full of them.

Then Dr Frankenstein’s relative says, “when momma is up here. and she putting on the ritz. the lips go” and Fritz, presumably finishing this nonsensical sentence, says “zip”. Dr Frankenstein’s relative continues the nonsensical sentence saying “the ears go”. Shegore says “perked”.

Newt, this is the single worst thing that I’ve ever read in my life and I’m not exaggerating. Please stop all of this. It’s not bad in a good way. It’s bad in a, “This guy needs intervention by professionals” kind of way.

I have to stop here. I’m on the top of page 12. I’ll try to continue tomorrow if I can stomach this shit.