Gamer Girls

0:30 – PVC Bondage Guy says that she’s Ukrainian and Italian. Uh huh.

I never got into any of that shit. And I’m actually a citizen of a European country. My mother is an immigrant. But I never said, “Hey, look at me, I’m Mr Europe over here. Ooh la la. Look at how sophisticated I am.”

I was in America. I was born there. I sounded American. There’s no reason why anybody would think that I wasn’t American. You’d be a complete buffoon to believe that I wasn’t.

But when people would find out that my mother wasn’t an Amercain there was a hint that they thought that I wasn’t quite as American as they were. I had a Spanish professor straight up tell me that I’m a foreigner when she found this information out.

Are you out of your mind? Somebody who was born and raised in a country is that nationality. If I went to my mother’s home country, nobody would say, “Oh, welcome fellow countryman.” They’d say, “This guy doesn’t speak a word of the language. He doesn’t know anything about the country. Hello, Mr Foreign Man.”

It’s ridiculous.

In the UK, I’d always get questions about America. “What are you doing here, Mr American Man?” They wouldn’t say, “What are you doing here, Mr European Man?” Or, “What are you doing here, fellow British citizen.” It was always American.

But I’ve been here long enough that my accent has changed and people now assume that I’m Irish. So that’s great. I can field all of your questions about Ireland, a place that I spent four weeks of my life in.

So anyway, then Newt makes a comment about Italians, a reference to Tony from Hack the Movies, another fake Italian.

I know that I just went on and on about this but why not…what do these people even know about Italy or Ukraine or whatever? Who gives a shit where your grandparents or great grandparents are from? You’re living in rural Pennysylvania. Why not proudly represent that?

Nobody looks at PVC Bondage Guy and says, “Look at that crazy Ukrainian woman.” They say, “Look at that crazy fucking fat Pennsylvania woman. Stop eating so many of those giant pretzels that are popular in Pennsylvania.”

I’m telling you 100% that people in Ukraine or Italy or whatever don’t give the slightest of fucks about you. They’re insulted that you’re trying to associate yourself with their country. So fuck them.

I get that America is a shit country. You don’t want to be associated with it. But it’s the reality. And it’s not your fault that it’s a shit country. It’s the guys at the top aggressively fucking you over.

I had a government teacher in high school, who I believe was from the South, give a lecture about the greatness of American democracy. And he said, “If you don’t like the country, who’s fault is it? It’s yours. Because we have the right to vote.”

This is an educator? Does he honestly believe that these elections are remotely valid? Which one of these rich white men in suits represent my interests? Where’s the candidate adocating for the equitable redistribution of the wealth? All of the candidates are focused on redistribution of the wealth upwards. I don’t want that. What’s going on here?

Fucking scumbag. Even as a non-savy 10th grader, I thought, “This is a remarkably naive lesson.” And I remember it to this day as an example of the total buffoons teaching in American schools.

In any event, even though the US is a shit country, the average American on the street is a good person. Not pieces of shit like Newt or PVC Bondage Guy but the average American. And that’s something to be proud of. Hospitality. Open-mindedness. Giving people a chance. These are admirable American qualities. You don’t have to go to look to some foreign country to get a sense of identity. You have it. You’re an American. It means something.

3:00 – Newt is talking about going to Allentown, Pennsylvania, one of the most well-known working-class cities in the country. Why not be proud of that? That’s something real. Your Italian identity is fake.

3:45 – PVC Bondage Guy takes her filthy socks off and crosses her chubby legs. Hot. Right? No. Not hot.

Oh, and Newt is telling a story about a place called Jugtown. He finds this really funny. Get it? Breasts. Fucking cretin.

4:30 – They tell a story and I couldn’t understand ONE WORD. What the fuck was being said? Did I suddenly lose my mind? Did they stop speaking English? Did they slip into Ukrainian?

6:45 – Newt says that Fallon didn’t want to share the booth at this nerd convention with him so he just let her have it. What? He needs to find more caring prostitutes to pay to hang out with him.

And you’re the one paying. When you pay, you call the shots. Not the whore. That’s not how this works. The customer is always right. That’s another proud American tradition.

7:00 – Newt is listing the big time celebrities who had booths. There was some guy who played Jason, Dr Chud, some woman who was in something called Sleepaway Camp. All of the big stars.

And Newt was also a guest at this convention. “Come see Newt Wallen: World Famous Plagiarist.”

8:15 – Newt met some people at this nerd convention who he went to school with. Oh, great. Maybe we’ll get some stories about all of the hot buttsex that he had with them.

9:00 – Shoutout to, “The Redhead”. What about “horse head” as your new euphamism?

Then Newt says that PVC Bondage Guy made some “new friends” at the nerd convention. This will undoubtedly involve sexual degeneracy.

Oh, there was somebody who makes fangs. She implies that she had sex with him. Then Newt mentions “the wrestler guy”. Jason Knight. You guys all know Jason Knight, right? PVC Bondage Guy, who only started watching wrestling about nine months ago, refers to him as an “ECW original.” Oh. Yeah. That guy.

She says that wants to be on the ring crew for this guy’s indy promotion. PVC Bondage Guy is really into the professional wrestling.

I don’t know how seriously she’s taking the training. But the body building isn’t there. Not even close.

She should have a strict regime of what she eats, how much she works out, whatever. Not eating a deep fried chicken the size of your head and then finishing it off with a gallon of Coke and an entire pizza.

When I worked out, I was around PVC Bondage Guy’s age, and it was hours a day, every day. Just sitting in my room lifting dumbbells. Boring as fuck, of course. But this is the mentality that you need to have to see any results. And I wasn’t even trying to be a wrestler. I was trying to get a job with the police but that’s a whole other story.

As for eating right, you need the same level of discipline. Nobody wants to eat chicken breast every day but are you serious about being a wrestler or aren’t you?

10:30 – Newt was in TGIFridays with this big time wrestler and took a selfie with him. He sent the picture to 8Bit Eric, who is one of the guys who Newt sent a picture of his penis to (along with Joe from Game Sack). 8Bit Eric got sexually excited to see Newt with this big muscly wrestler.

Did PVC Bondage Guy have sex with the wrestler? I mean…you have to assume so. It seems to be her go-to response whenever she meets somebody.

11:00 – Newt says, “Now I’m the cool one. I’m not in a Game Sack video or the Game Chasers.”

Newt wants to be in a video with his homosexual long-distance boyfriend Joe from Game Sack. But Joe from Game Sack doesn’t even have guests on the show. Well, maybe he’ll make an exception for his boyfriend Newt.

12:45 – PVC Bondage Guy says that she did her makeup in only ten minutes. You don’t say. That magnificent makeup job only took ten minutes?

14:15 – Newt is talking about his “ex” Christie, who was in the Miss New Jersey pageant. Oh, tell us more, Newt. Are you going to talk about how you fucked her in the ass some more?

15:30 – PVC Bondage Guy was wearing shorts, a tube top, and fishnet stockings. Fucking look at her. I mean…I know she reads the blog. I don’t want to be insulting. I really don’t. But PVC Bondage Guy, Metz, whatever you want to call yourself, you are overweight. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that. But there’s a way for fat chicks to dress sexy. Taking shit off isn’t it. Look at what the fat goths are doing. Do that. You fucking had the look down back when you were wearing your PVC bondage outfits. The clothes should be coming on, not off.

19:45 – One of the people Newt was with at Applebees asked if he’s “The plagiarising guy”. Yeah. That’s him alright. Big plagiariser over here.

God. If only that was Newt’s biggest problem. Newt should embrace the plagiarism. It distracts from the litany of other disgusting traits that he has.

But this woan apparently said that the whole thing was “BS”. Yeah. No. You’re a plagiariser, Newt. Just admit it. It’s not the end of the world. The problem arises because you don’t fucking admit what you did. You plagiarised 20 fucking scripts from Monster Madness. Wholesale. Not even subtle. It’s nobody’s fault but your own. Just admit it and move on.

This woman apparently also dislikes Tony from Hack the Movies and possibly James Rolfe. Yeah. You’re a great person, Newt. Everybody loves you and everybody hates the same people who you hate. The plagiarism is all somebody else’s fault.

They’re still talking about Applebees. I wonder what PVC Bondage Guy ordered from Applebees. The neighborhood nachos, southwest chicken bowl, an entire rack of double glazed baby back ribs, and for dessert a bowl of cinnabons? And to drink, an industrial-sized bucket of sangria?

23:30 – Newt says that he fell asleep while driving and almost died. Huh. What an asshole.

And that’s how the video ends. With Newt almost killing multiple people.

A couple of pieces of shit right here.