Gamer Girls

0:15 – But first a word from our sponsor: that same fucking VPN.

1:30 – That’s some hair, Jimmy.

When I was a kid, I had a band teacher. This was the late 1980s. And he had a really obvious combover. He had absolutely nothing on top but he would grow the side long and just comb it over.

Even in the 1980s, this was something to be ridiculed. It was unusual. People weren’t really shaving their heads at that time but if you were bald, you were just bald. You’d keep your hair short.

I don’t think that people really do combovers anymore. Except for James Rolfe. Toupes are another thing that you don’t see any more.

If James wants to tackle balding in a retro fashion, why not bring toupes back? I think that’s a better option than the combover. Or put a clown wig on. I don’t give a shit. But what he’s doing here is really, really bad. And he’s been doing this for years.

1:45 – James is pretending to not know what a smart phone is.

So he’s going to play this…mobile game.

3:00 – What am I looking at? Why is this happening? It’s like footage that James is taking of himself on his phone and he’s pretending to be “angry”. Badly. He’s a terrible actor.

3:45 – And now more of this uncomfortable, extreme closeup of Jimmy on his phone camera. And they’re reviewing a game that’s obviously a joke. James, or whoever wrote this, knows that the game is a joke, right? They’re making fun of things that are obviously intended to be funny. It doesn’t work.

It’s like reviewing a Three Stooges short and saying, “Can you believe how stupid Curly is? He got hit in the head with that piece of lumber three times. What an idiot!”.

No. That’s the joke. All you’re doing is pointing out the joke.

4:30 – There’s a lame, unfunny call back to that video from many years ago where Mike dressed up as Bugs Bunny. But of course Mike doesn’t appear. That would have required some effort. It’s all text. Unfunny text. And we get an extreme closeup of bald fucking James Rolfe throughout as he gets increasingly “angry”.

6:00 – I don’t even know what’s happening any more. James is crying for some reason. In extreme closeup form. I think that my mind has shut down as a defence mechanism.

I have to turn this off. I’m sorry. All this is is James reciting lines from some complete imbecile who doesn’t seem to understand that the game is a joke. And it’s all done with these extreme closeups. I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to listen to it. I don’t want to smell it. I don’t want to taste it. What’s the other one…oh, I don’t want to touch it. This is just total trash.

So I wrote all of that a couple of days ago. Shortly after the video came out. But I thought, “I’ll try to watch the rest of it tomorrow.” So…let’s try to do that.

7:15 – You can get more…something…in this game if you watch an ad. Then there’s just an awkward phone camera closeup of bald James that lingers for a long time and then he says, “Good time to take a shit.” It barely even qualifies as a joke. Why did they…let’s move on.

9:00 – Then there’s just more…awkward non-jokes from bald James. He says, “okay”, for example. Just…a closeup of bald James and he says “okay.”

10:00 – “The horse is shoving the green onions down my fucking throat.” And bald James pretends to find this hysterical.

Did the person who wrote this script understand that all of this dialogue is SUPPOSED to be funny? All he’s doing is laughing at the jokes. And it’s fake laughing. And the jokes in this game AREN’T funny.

I have to stop. This is 20 minutes and I’m only halfway done. This is fucking atrocious. It’s just extreme closeups of bald James pretending to laugh at this game that’s INTENTIONALLY funny. “Ha! Look at how stupid this line of dialogue is!” IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE STUPID, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Even the highly-scrubbed Youtube comments are full of vitriol. And I don’t think that they’re the fags from Reddit.

I’m reminded of that James & Mike video where they played Goat Simulator. James found absolutely everything about the game to be hysterical and Mike played along, humouring James. But Ryan, this was back when Ryan was a man, sat there stone-faced. Ryan represented the viewer. There was absolutely nothing funny about this game but it was INTENDED to be funny. So laughing at it is just…I mean, I find it hard to believe that a grown man would find a goat jumping on a trampoline to be funny but James was in stitches. That doesn’t make me, the viewer, laugh. That makes me think, “What’s wrong with this guy? Is he retarded? Oh…”

But even if you find the intentionally funny stuff in the game to be funny, and it is funny…I mean…who cares? Where’s the substance? This is just like filming the audience in a comedy club. Okay. They’re laughing at the jokes. Who cares? That’s not noteworthy.

There’s nothing remotely interesting in watching people laugh at something that’s intended to be funny. That’s what this video was. And it was all fake. James wasn’t actually finding any of this funny. He didn’t even know what he was looking at. He was just filming random scenes with his terrible acting, not even knowing what the game footage would look like that was being spliced in. And the game footage was all done by some intern.

Who actually got credit for this? Directed and written by James Rolfe. Uh huh. Sure it was. Edited by Sean O’Rourke. That faggot from Reddit who banned me. Gameplay by James. Yeah. No chance.

At least Mike isn’t credited in any of this. Even if Mike was involved in this, which I suspect he wasn’t because this isn’t a game that he streamed recently, surely Mike is savy enough to say, “Don’t put my name in the credits for this one.”

This was fucking awful. Has to be the worst AVGN episode ever.

I don’t even have a problem with him reviewing mobile games, like a lot of the nerds in the comments seem to have. He can review whatever the fuck he wants. Make any kind of video you want to make. Just make sure that it’s GOOD. What’s so hard about that? You can review toupes or penis pumps or whatever you want. I don’t care. Just make the videos fucking watchable. Is that asking too much?