Why Super Princess Peach Is A Must-Play! – Zap Cristal

Hello, desperation. She has her fat tits out in this one.

Is the podcast done? I’m starting to worry. It’s been three weeks. I think that they used to come out every week at least.

Her non-podcast stuff does a lot better. The podcast gets about 100 views per video. Her non-podcast stuff get about 300 on average. These are low numbers but that’s still three times as much.

She’s a long way from the 2,000 or so that she used to get before she totally killed her channel with this abysmal podcast with Mr Wright Way II.

0:00- “Along with Ms Pac-Man, she was one of the many female characters that we, as females, were allowed to have the opportunity and play.”

I assume that she wrote this out. Did she misread it? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. Just grammatically.

And what does gender even…I mean, yes, I guess that Princess Peach was one of the few female characters back in the day. But…it’s not just females who had a limited option of female characters to play as, everybody had the same issue.

At first I thought that she was going to suggest that as a “female” she was limited to the characters that she could play as because there just wasn’t much choice in terms of female characters. That would have at least made sense. So let’s just assume that that’s what she meant because otherwise, her comment makes no sense.

Obviously, women and girls can play as male characters. And guys can play as female characters. But I think that she’s right that girls and presumably women prefer playing as female characters. Not necessarily because they’re militant feminists but I’ve seen this myself in my own life.

So great. We have Princess Peach.

0:15 – “She served as a role model.”

That’s going too far. Princess Peach as a role model? I didn’t grow up wanting to be Mario. There’s never been a video game character who I looked up to. Who the fuck does that? “Boy, I hope one day I can be Frogger.”

She CLEARLY says “wordy” instead of “worthy”. Is this an accent thing or a mental retardation thing? Because I don’t particularly even view her as having any kind of Spanish accent. Mental retardation? Quite possibly.

She has problems pronouncing “solo”. I don’t what she’s saying but it’s not “solo.”

0:45 – Oh, that was all just the intro. We get a title screen telling us that this is part of a series called Zap’s Video Game Diary.

There’s annoying music that plays throughout this video, by the way. Mr Wright Way II demands it for all of her videos. I assume it’s his music.

Speaking of which, why does she even have her tits out in this video? She’s a married woman. Would you want your wife getting her tits out like this? And for no money even.

1:45 – “She has a super cute umbrella.”

This is awful. Absolutely awful. Do WOMEN want to listen to this dreck? Are there women out there watching videos and curious about which aspects of the game are cute? I refuse to believe it. In spite of everything I’ve seen in these deplorable videos with these braindead women, I give women more credit than that. I don’t think that the average woman is NEARLY stupid enough to want to hear about cute things in video games. They’re not watching this shit.

I’m not saying that women don’t watch videos about cute things. Of course they do. They’re the ones watching these cat videos and videos about cute animals. But they’re not watching a video about video games hoping to hear about which characters are cute and what the colours are. I mean, that’s fucking…NOBODY is interested in that.

And I enjoy the ocassional video featuring a cute animal. The baby panda sneezes. The gibbon chases the dog around. But cute video game shit? No. I’ve never been remotely interested in that.

“You can call it an umbrella, a para-sell, whatever you want to call it.”

I’ll call it a “parasol” if it’s all the same to you. NOBODY calls it a “para-sell.”

5:00 – I just noticed that Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal has a large tattoo by her collarbone. Not attractive.

8:00 – She ends the video by begging you to share the video.

Hey. You made your choice, Zap. You let Mr Wright Way II change your channel into a podcast dumping ground.

Speaking of terrible podcasts, Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts started a podcast a couple of months ago and he’s already done with it. Talk about your pieces of crap. He would have these old fucking dumb skanks on the podcast talking about ghosts and conspiracy theories and whatnot. What the fuck? People don’t want this. But he was obviously bringing the skanks on thinking that this was the way to get views. It’s the Tony from Hack the Movies or Newt Wallen school of Youtubing. Has it worked for them?

Donky Lips is a remarkably unintelligent fellow. I’ve been following him around the internet for probably 25 years. He has a Youtube channel. The videos get about 1,000 views on average. They’re unwatchable.

And when he had the skanks on, he would constantly come on to them. And the skanks just entertained it. It was gross.

This is a guy who regularly talks about his health problems. He’s a big fat guy so he has health problems. He talks about his unemployment. He hasn’t worked in probably 30 years. He talks about how he doesn’t have money. His tiny apartment. Conspiracy theories. Shit like this.

I’m not interested in any of this. He can be moderately engaging at times but I think the problem is that he doesn’t fucking do anything. So he has nothing to talk about. Just get a job.

Anyway, that’s Donkey Lips. Which podcast is worse: Donkey Lips or Zap Cristal? That’s a tough call. I think that I would marginally prefer listening to Zap and Mr Wright Way II talk about nothing than watch a 500 pound, 50 year old man try to hook up with old, crazy skanks. So at least we can say that Zap doesn’t have the worst podcast in the world.

4 thoughts on “Why Super Princess Peach Is A Must-Play! – Zap Cristal

  1. Talk about your pieces of crap. One of my favorite Simpsons lines ever! I think Donkey Lips could have a good podcast if he talked about his time on Nickelodeon and invited other former child actors to talk about it. Imagine if he had Danny talking about what it was like to be on Salute your shorts and getting a role in T2. That would be interesting. And then it just becomes a habit to listen to it and off ya go. But I guess he’s a retard and can’t figure that out. Probably the casting call in 1991 or whatever was the just to find the fattest idiot they could find. At least for him.

    1. He has talked about his time on Salute Your Shorts in other videos to some limited degree. And I think that he was at some party with Danny Cooksey and the black girl from the show…was her character Telly? It was some thing where people paid for a Salute Your Shorts themed party. They probably gave each of the cast members fifty bucks to appear. Danny sang some songs. He’s a singer in some novelty band.

      He also made a heartfelt video when Ug died maybe a year ago.

      I don’t think that Donkey Lips wants to just coast on his Salute Your Shorts days, though. He must be tired of talking about it. He’s like 50 years old, he doesn’t want to constantly be reminded of what he did as a 10 year old.

      He was also in movies as an adult. Like he has a small role in Dude Where’s My Car. And there was…well, there was Dude Where’s My Car.

      So he also has a channel where he talks about the Raiders. I don’t know how popular it is but he promotes it a lot. So he’s trying to do something else. Good for him. I guess.

      He also doesn’t like to be called Donkey Lips. Of course. No actor wants to be called by a character name but Donkey Lips has to be particularly difficult.

      But how much joy has this guy brought into the world with his Donkey Lips character? He should be proud. Everybody who was a kid in the early 1990s knows Donkey Lips. Although, I think that I was slightly too old to watch the show. And I think that you’re three years older than I am, so that’s three years more sad.

      And yeah, Danny Cooksey. I hated him in Diff’rent Strokes but looking back, he was a fine actor and a fine singer. Was that Terminator thing during the run of Salute Your Shorts, though? I guess that it must have been. Or around there anyway. I just thought that he was older in Terminator than he was in Salute Your Shorts.

      1. Oh yeah he was in different strokes. I remember one episode where some weird guy tried to kidnap him but then by the end they were friends or something. Yeah I think I was 14 when that show was on but can you blame me? You live in buttfuck South Dakota what can you do realistically until you can drive? Just watch tv all day. I really have no memory of any tv shows after that. It’s why I never saw the end of family matters or any of that shit. I literally forgot it existed as soon as I got a car and a job.

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