3:23:00 – Mike talks about his fondness for Bozo, as performed by Bob Bell. I’ve talked about this before. It’s bullshit. There is NO WAY that Mike remembers this. Bob Bell retired in 1984. Mike was born in 1980. I talked about this extensively here:
Now the Star Trek talk.
4:15:00 – Somebody in the chat makes the observation that the characters on Star Trek tend to be unmarried. Mike takes great offense to this and starts talking about anciliary characters who are married and single episodes where characters almost get married.
Hey…dumbass. You want to relax and think about this for two seconds?
Star Trek. Focusing only on the 79 episodes of the original series.
- Kirk (unmarried)
- Spock (unmarried)
- McCoy (unmarried)
- Scotty (unmarried)
- Uhura (unmarried)
- Sulu (unmarried)
- Chekov (unmarried)
Done. Entire cast unmarried. We’re not talking about the later seasons of Voyager or whatever where Worf married Dax or something. We’re not looking at the episode where Spock almost got married. We’re looking at the original fucking series. Every character unmarried. Can you not accept that?
It was a show about military men in space. So it makes sense that they were unmarried but it’s still a little weird when you think about it. The guy made a perfectly valid observation, it was interesting, and yet Mike felt the need to nerd it up totally unnecessarily. “What are you talking about? Picard used to be married!” We’re not talking about Picard’s past. We’re talking about the characters as they appeared on the show, at the time.
Let’s look at Next Generation. Again, just the series. Just up until season five or whenever I stopped watching.
- Picard (unmarried)
- Riker (unmarried)
- Geordi (unmarried)
- Tasha Yar (unmarried)
- Worf (unmarried)
- Dr Crusher (unmarried)
- Troi (unmarried)
- Data (unmarried)
- Wesley Crusher (unmarried)
Am I wrong? These are the main characters according to Wikipedia. Is there some minor character who’s marrried? Did O’Brien and Keiko get married at some point? I think so. But minor characters and I don’t think that they were married when the show started. I don’t think that the characters were even introduced until at least season two. O’Brien was just the fucking transporter guy. I don’t think that he any lines for years. And I think Keiko came later solely to play his wife.
So once again, the entire major cast of the show is unmarried. It’s weird. That’s all anyone was saying. Why did Mike find this personally offensive?
4:28:30 – Mike starts talking about Star Trek porn. He knows that Next Generation porn exists but is unaware of porn for the original series.
“I don’t know if they ever did original Star Trek, if like Kirk and Spock…like I never saw if that exists. I’m sure it does but I know that Star Trek: The Next Generation porn exists.”
This guy considers himself an expert on Star Trek and doesn’t even know about the trilogy of adult videos series called Sex Trek, which is based on the original series? Randy Spears as Captain Quirk? Mike Horner as Mr Sperm? Joey Silvera as Doctor Boner?
I have to say that the original was disappointing but much of the original cast returned (at least the male cast) for Star Trek II: The Search for Sperm. I didn’t much care for this one either. Mimi Miyagi is in it but this was way before she got her boob job.
The planets were aligned when they made Sex Trek III: The Wrath of Bob, though. Same excellent male cast but gone were the terrible actresses who played Lt Uwhore in their non-sex roles. They got Dominique Simone for this one. What brilliant casting. And she’s there getting fucked in two scenes, if memory serves, which was the style at the time.
The first Sex Trek was released in 1990, with the sequel in 1991 and the finale in 1992. I distinctly remember watching the Wrath of Bob on the Spice Channel. It was inspired. And I sought it out on the internet once streaming porn became a thing. Indeed, I have a copy of it on my computer so I must have got it back in Kazaa days.
Dominique Simone was also in a great bukkake movie. No, wait. That wasn’t her. Who am I thinking of? Oh, Sierra.
But back to Sex Trek, the movies are well done, by early 1990s porn standards. They had special effects. The Enterprise looks like a breast. There’s a story of sorts. And it kind of follows the movies. Search for Sperm/Search for Spock. Wrath of Bob/Wrath of Khan. Although, I think the order is reversed. Randy Spears is particularly good as Kirk, adopting Shatner’s stilted speech.
They could have done a lot better, though. Hiring better looking women, for example. Dominique Simone is the only thing that saves the third movie. The rest of the women are just random flat-chested aliens. I mean, come on. You couldn’t do something better than that?
Uwhore getting fucked, that’s obvious and I’m shocked that it wasn’t until the third movie that they figured this out. But what about, I don’t know, having Christine Chapel as a character? I know it’s a pretty obscure character but it’s better than random aliens with a flimsy backstory just getting beamed in for some reason.
I know it’s difficult to make a porn when most of the characters from the source material are men but…the aliens sucked dick and not in a good way . They could have done something interesting. These were just women with glitter makeup. That’s not an alien. What about a sexy gorn? Or Klingons? There were no fucking Klingons, as far as I recall. And since this is based on the original series, you woudn’t even have to do much in terms of makeup. Just get an Asian woman.
Anyway, Mike, the ultimate Star Trek aficionado, never heard of any of this. Apparently, he’s familiar with Star Trek The Next Generation: A XXX Parody (2011). I never saw that. Never even heard of it until I looked it up just now. But Mike was apparently jerking off to Star Trek porn as recently as 2011.
Thank you for focusing down on Mike’s poser status as a Star Trek fan. That shit has been irking me for years. He’s quite vocal about supposedly being one, but he has a very normie amount of knowledge and stances. A non-complete list of married people in Star Trek shows/movies (the ones that fucking matter at all that is) are O’Brien/Keiko in TNG and then heavily in DS9, Riker/Troi get married in Star Trek: Nemesis, Worf/Jadzia in DS9 up until she dies (oops spoilers), Tom/B’elanna in late Voyager after dating for years (they did a good job developing all of it too), and Doctor Phlox on Enterprise has three wives back on his home planet. People date all over and there’s a whole list that can be made for that, but this is specifically marriage. There’s also people who have been married in the past (or their spouse died, like Beverly Crusher) like Sulu and McCoy, or they were engaged to be married (Janeway right before season 1 began, and Kirk when he was younger), or they got married and then some extraordinary shit happened which effectively put the marriage on pause (like Sisko and Kasidy Yates) until if ever it was able to resume (ala Sisko coming back from the celestial temple/afterlife essentially). Suffice it to say there’s a bunch of others that could be mentioned and slotted in here. So Mike freaking out on a chatter when his scope of Star Trek knowledge is extremely limited upon recall compared to well, someone like me as a quick example, is typical of how he treats his chat. He seems to have gotten more asinine in the past 12 months especially. I really notice people talking about it more.
Thanks for the Star Trek nuptial information. I didn’t know…any of it.
Apparently Mike doesn’t either, but unlike him you aren’t claiming to be some big fan of the stuff
I do think the naming conventions of porn have gotten weak. They are all literally “Famous Film: An XXX Parody” there are no more creative names like Forrest Hump or Backdoor to the Future. You have to appreciate the effort but maybe there’s no longer a law that stops someone from using the same name if they just say it’s a parody. But could you imagine Weird Al doing something so lazy? Kanye: A Musical Parody. No imagination. Maybe it’s branding because one company makes all these. They’re good for a laugh but also it’s a good way to ease your lady into watching porno because you can laugh at it at the same time. Too hardcore and she will get turned off. Then you’ll never get anything besides missionary that’s for sure. A lot of modern porno sucks because it’s gone the YouTube route. Regular people fucking to a webcam. That sucks! So at least these parodies still survive. One I thought was funny was American Dad. I was just looking up the regular show and saw there was a porno and said what the hell. Pretty funny stuff and Roger the alien gets a lot of screen time. Thankfully no gay stuff like on the show. The goldfish is there too but he just swims in a bowl.
My understanding is that all of those “Not the (Whatever) XXX” movies are done by the same company. I think Hustler. They had big budgets and relatively high production values. I think the Brady Bunch one was first. There was also a Happy Days one. They were popular, receiving mainstream coverage, and they took off. So now they’ve done one for all kinds of different shows. And I think imitators have produced similar videos.
Thanks for pointing out flaws in his timeline.
He talks about Turbo Teen all the time too. This cartoon is so obscure that almost half the episodes were considered lost media up until very recently. I’m almost five years older than Mike and watched this show, but was very young. None of my friends remember it, it wasn’t successful. Wikipedia shows it aired in 1984 and I’d be very surprised if it even got into reruns.
Mike brings this show up a lot, it made me think he had an older sibling who watched it and it could have been some of his first memories. Or he could be full of shit.
Isn’t that one of the shows Bimmy talked about in one video? I can’t be bothered to track it down. Looks like Mikey boy does another solid for his retarded cash cow.