So we’ve got Tony with another couple of skanks. This time it’s that conning Jesus nut Casey J Hempel and somebody new. This is Captain Boomies.
She has a website.
So I’m looking at the website. There are pictures of her on various boats. It seems that she’s somehow employed as a boat captain or…something. So I’m thinking, “Oh, great. Somebody with a job. How novel.”
As I’m exploring the site, I’m thinking, “There’s something not right here.” A lot of pictures of this middle-aged woman bending over. Or sticking her chest out.
She mentions a husband. She met him in college. Says that he’s really hot. Okay, well, that…good, I guess. What do I care?
She links to her Youtube channel.
https://www.youtube.com/@CaptainBoomies
The banner is her relaxing with a closeup of the bottom of her bare foot.
Oh. This is…we’re supposed to be jerking off to all of this, right? To this sun-damaged middle-aged woman with vaguely sexual pictures.
Her channel is dead, by the way. 3,400 subscribers. Average number of views is about 1,000. She’s been doing this for five years and her last video was eight months ago. There’s just not demand for sort of sexual content about boats.
https://captainboomies.com/linktree/
She has an Amazon wish list. Why? Why would anybody buy this woman anything? Get your own fucking paddleboard and hot sauce, you leech. You have a job. You have a husband. Do you have any dignity?
It’s some bizarre ambiguous porn site. It’s not overt but…there are a lot of slightly suggestive photos and she talks about her husband a lot in sort of sexual terms and she’s presenting herself as like a dominatrix of the sea who can teach you how to better operate your boat.
You can overlook a lot of these things on their own. But when you put them together, especially with that wish list, it’s clear that we’re supposed to be jerking off to this. WHY? And who’s doing this?
Who possibly has a fetish for ambiguously sexual pictures? Pictures that you’re not quite sure are supposed to be titilating or not.
She must think that this is a thing. “Buy me a $300 life jacket and maybe I’ll post another picture of me standing next to my husband who has a few buttons open on his shirt.”
This is not a thing. Nobody has this fetish. Look at the view numbers on her channel.
Her videos are also vaguely sexual. She makes sort of suggestive comments but not really. It’s completely fucking mental. Nobody is going to jerk off to this.
It’s not that I’m opposed to nautical erotica. Big Boob Boat Ride 2 is a classic. I was less impressed with the original, with the only saving grace being Bunny Bleu. But people want erotica. Porn. Adult entertainment. Not stuff that’s so softcore that you’re not even entirely sure what the intent is.
So let’s watch about five minutes of this video and then turn it off in disgust.
0:15 – They start by joking about nautical terms. Captain Boomies says “ahoy-hoy”, which I only know from the Simpsons but I’ll defer to her expertise. Tony says “argh” like a pirate. And then…what the fuck…Jesus Nut says, “yooooooooo-hoooooooo”. And it goes on for what feels an eternity. You can see Captain Boomies trying to figure out what’s going on. This is a nautical term? “yo ho”?
I know that it’s a Pirates of the Caribbean reference but…it’s just awkward and confusing the way she says it.
And then she says “all hail” to try to recover but that only makes it worse. All hail? Was she thinking of “all hands on deck”? What the fuck is this?
2:00 – Tony suggests that he used to live in Maryland when he was a kid. Just some Tony from Hack the Movies trivia for all of you Tony fanatics out there.
So I’ve made it to five minutes. Jesus Nut was just being annoying and say “oh” and “yeah” and “oh my gosh” and shit like this. Captain Whatever didn’t say much. And Tony is reading from Wikipedia.
Do I want to watch any more? Umm…I do not.
It’s sad that Tony surrounds himself with these charisma-less women and thinks that this is going to get views. Newt does the same thing, although at least PVC Bondage Guy can be engaging.
It’s just appealing to the lowest common denominator (horny retards) and betraying your own gender. Find a guy who can hold a conversation, has interesting things to say, and bring him on the show. Is it that hard?
That fucking 400 pound Cuban guy who Tony had on the show was good. If he was a regular, this might be watchable.
Instead, it’s always these charisma-less basic bitches who all think that they’re hot chicks.
Speaking of 400 pound Cuban guys, Bunny Bleu was also in another of my favourites: Big Boob Bangaroo. She had a massage scene with the Bogas Brothers.
God, what is that fat “brother” doing these days? He has to be long dead.
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_Sao_Paulo
According to the Spanish-language Wikipedia, the only relevant site I could find about him, he’s still alive. But who knows? He’s not on Twitter or anything.
I liked the parody of Das Boot that was done on SCTV “Das Boobs” but I don’t think that really counts.
I know it seems retarded for a dead channel to have all these links to donate shit but I think it’s done way ahead of time incase someone goes viral, then it’s all set up. But you don’t really need a lot of fans just a few willing enough or retarded enough to waste money on you.
I saw this thing on some kind of hard copy tv show 20+ years ago. I can’t remember much. Maybe it’s on YouTube but it was some fat woman who had a website with pictures of her eating. It was disgusting! Pre PayPal and all that shit, horntards were sending her cash in the mail and gift certificates. Pre gift card even! This was somehow worthy enough to be called news. I just recall wanting barf and thinking who the fuck would like this and if you like fat girls is it really that hard to find one? Fat girls are everywhere! The problem is there are too many. Actually the problem is there are any that exist at all. Go find one and fatten her up even more! Can society not fully collapse fast enough?
I remember those feeder videos. You don’t really hear about this any more. At least I don’t, but the only place I could possibly hear about it is if it appears in my Youtube feed.
Chubby chasers were a thing too. Men who like fat women. I think that this was completely invented by the media. I’ve never known anyone who likes fat chicks. Fat chicks have told me that they’ve never known anyone who specifically looked for fat chicks.