Gamer Girls

More of that delicious “variety stream” action from Ms Excitement herself: Erin Plays.

I think that I’ve figured out why she likes “variety streams” so much. It allows her to suck dick at video games and then have the built-in excuse of, “I’ve never played this before.”

0:00 – Erin expresses her displeasure at the term “shmup”. This is something that Mike mentions in just about every stream where he’s playing a game in that particular genre. Gee, Erin. Do you have any of your own thoughts about video games that you’d care to share with the class?

0:45 – There’s an edit but I don’t give a fuck. I’m not going to check her Twitch unedited video. It was probably just her saying hello to the horntards. And if it was something embarrassing, no big deal. She can’t possibly edit out ALL of the embarrassing content. Everything she says is embarrassing.

1:15 – The game is very colourful. She’s playing something called Insector X, by the way. You guys like colours, right? You want to know which games are colourful? Erin here is lay the colour news out.

7:45 – “He looks like he’s shooting Babybel cheese at us.”

Ha! Classic comedy, am I right, Joe from Game Sack? You find this funny, do you? When Erin points out “cute” stuff? “X looks like Y”? This is Erin’s only joke. “Something looks like something that it clearly isn’t.” And fucking Joe from Game Sack jerks off to all of it.

Of course, Joe from Game Sack also jerks off to Newt Wallen’s penis so he’s a man of eclectic tastes.

8:00 – “What does ‘PP’ stand for? Plus power? Power plus? I was going to say something else but it would be very inappropriate.”

And very unfunny and very unoriginal. But Joe from Game Sack would still jerk off to it.

8:30 – “Why am I sucking so hard?”

Do you have to ask, Erin?

12:45 – “They fly over you. That makes things easier.”

This is like the fourth time that she said this. It’s a horizontal shooter. The enemies progress in a straight line. That’s not uncommon. What is she thinking that they’re going to do? Hone in on her?

So she thinks that she has this pro strat in just avoiding the enemies and letting them fly past. No. It’s fucking common sense.

13:15 – Somebody gave 20 subs. These are $5. So somebody just gave Erin $100…for what? For playing this game terribly, on stream, for money? For talking about colours? For coming up with that great idea to just avoid the enemies?

People make $100/day doing actual jobs. What’s the minimum wage in the US? $7.25/hour. I know it varies by state but plenty of states use the federal minimum. An eight hour day at that rate is $58. Then there’s taxes on that.

I worked as a substitute teacher and I got $72/day.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimum_wage_in_the_United_States

Wow. Some states have a lower minimum wage than the federal minimum. I didn’t even know that that was possible. They’re almost all in the South, of course. Oh wait. Those are states that have NO minimum wage. It’s unbelievable. Those fucking backward hillbillies setting the country back.

13:30 – Hungry Goriya aka Horny Goriya was one of the people who got a sub from this horntard. Erin takes a moment to say hello to her. She doesn’t hello to anyone else but Horny Goriya and gets a hello because she a woman. A boring woman. A woman so boring that Pam aka CannotBeTamed looks slightly interesting by comparison.

15:30 – Erin says that she wants cute mushrooms to shoot lazers outside of “her” house. It’s a reference to an enemy in the game. She says “cute” about 17 times.

There is no way that Mike put Erin’s name on the title deed or the mortgage or whatever. He’d be a complete idiot to do that. She makes about $6,000/year from Twitch, according to the latest leaked data (from about 2021, I think) and they’re not married.

16:30 – Erin says that she has a bomb in this game. She’s repeatedly said that she doesn’t know if the game has bombs or not. She refuses to press the buttons to find out if the game has bombs or not.

I don’t believe that the game does have bombs. Or if it does, there’s nothing on the HUD to indicate as such.

What Erin is looking at is her remaining lives. She has one remaining life. Not one bomb. You fucking cretin.

Then she died LITERALLY the first time that the boss shot.

17:15 – She’s at the boss again and did a little better. She died the SECOND time he shot.

As Mike would say, and as Erin apes, “It’s progress.”

17:30 – “See? I don’t get it. It says ‘1’ is that my life or…oh. I thought they were bombs.”

You complete imbecile.

18:00 – She’s at the boss again. How many shots is it going to take for the boss to kill her this time? I’m saying one again.

Two.

This is the worst Insector X gameplay ever recorded, by the way.

18.30 – One of the horntards suggests doing a Genesis A-Z “variety stream”. Erin says that she’ll probably do it. She loves that built in, “I’ve never played this before” excuse.

19:15 – She dies from the second bullet yet again.

It’s unbelievably bad.

19:45 – She’s at the boss again. “If I die to the same bullet again, I’m going to switch to another game.”

She made it to the third shot this time.

She turns the game off.

“So that was Insector X. I like it. It’s fun.”

Oh sure. You were having a blast repeatedly dying on the first level. This is Erin’s passion. She’s all about those video games, guys.

She’s checking her list of games that she claims to want to play.

My friend was spending the post-Christmas season with me and she had a list of movies that she wanted to see. So I said okay, no problem. She goes to the pirate streaming site that we use and we start watching the first movie on her list. It’s about a girl who tortures and kills Neo-Nazis in a forest.

So we’re getting to the end. I’ve barely been watching. I’m looking at shit on my phone. But I hear the screams constantly. I look up and this girl is digging her thumbs into the eye sockets of some Neo-Nazi. And I say, “This is fucking trash.” This was all more impactful because I don’t use profanity around my friend.

Then I say, “Why would you come here with a list of Nazi torture porn that you want to see? You remember what my choice was? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Was there any Nazi torture porn in that one?”

I went on and on about how disgusting this is and how I chose life-affirming movies and she’s choosing this complete shit that has no redeeming value. And over fucking Christmas.

So she says, “I didn’t know. I didn’t read any reviews.” This is always her excuse.

So I go to Wikipedia. First paragraph clearly describes the movie as a girl in the woods torturing and killing Nazis.

She says, “I didn’t read Wikipedia.”

So I say, “Okay, let me see the list.” There were like 20 movies on there. I look them up and 90% of them are disgusting torture porn movies. I’m reading the Wikipedia summaries. She agrees that all of the movies sound like things that she wouldn’t be interested in but that she didn’t read Wikipedia or the reviews so she didn’t know.

These are the movies that she likes watching. I know that they’re the movies that she likes watching. I’ve seen these sorts of movies with her many, many times. So I ask her how she came up with this list if she didn’t read the reviews or anything. She gave some vague answer about seeing them while browsing this pirate streaming site.

So I say, “So it’s just a coincidence that 90% of these movies are torture porn? And you don’t actually like the torture porn genre?” She effectively says yes.

It’s preposterous. So I say, “Look, it’s fine if you like these sort of movies. But what doesn’t make sense is for you to come here with a list of movies that you DON’T like. Why would anyone do that?” She just repeats that she didn’t read the reviews and didn’t read Wikipedia.

There was no getting through to her. I cited the many torture porn movies that we’ve seen together as evidence that she likes the genre. She denied it and cited the handful of movies that she’s chosen over the years that weren’t torture porn.

It’s completely mental. She came here with this disgusting list of torture porn movies for us to watch over Christmas and then when I challenged her on them, she said, “Oopsie! Actually all of these movies are shit. Hehe. Sorry about that.”

I told her ten times that we can watch the movies but she just has to admit that she likes them. And that’s okay. She refused to do it. She was apparently just picking movies at random and by some giant coincidence, 90% of them happened to be in the torture porn genre. She was totally unaware.

Fucking disgusting. And then to present this clear lie on top of it. Then it was my turn to pick a movie so we watched the Charlie Brown Christmas thing. Not a single Nazi got tortured.

So where was I going with this? Erin Plays? Fuck Erin Plays.