Gamer Girls

It’s an ad. Everything has to be a fucking ad with this guy. They sent him this bike in exchange for agreeing to do a “review” of it. Paid “review” = advertisement.

There’s also a referral link in the description in case you want to give John Riggs more money for this ad.

0:00 – So he’s in…I’m not sure. Either the backyard of his house or the parking lot of an apartment complex. Because he’s in parking spaces. He’s next to a shed. That doesn’t help us because that could be communal or something somebody with a house would get. But in the background you see what appears to be…I don’t know…a single story house? I don’t know what the houses in Yakima, Washington look like.

Oh yeah. I’m looking on Google Maps’ Street View. A lot of ranch-style houses. But why parking spaces if it’s a house?

Let me check Zillow. See if Yakima is within my budget. Maybe I can start hanging out with John Riggs. We can pick up some chicks together, you know?

What the fuck? I’m not paying these prices to live in fucking Yakima. It’s about $400,000 on average for a two-bedroom place. You’re out of your mind.

Anyway, John Riggs says that he’s 6’5″ and 290 pounds. Ummm…I guess? Maybe.

That’s a body mass index of 34.4, by the way. It’s classed as “obese” in this thing that I’m looking at. There’s a slider and the slider is all the way to the right. It’s off the chart. Anything over 30 is “obese”.

Then he says that he’s never ridden a bike. That might partially explain the obesity.

He claims that he walked everywhere. You know, because he’s so tall. What? As a child?

I mean, obviously it’s absurd to suggest that tall people are more prone to walking because they can cover more distance. But secondly, he wasn’t tall as a child. Even if he was relatively tall compared to other children…it’s not worth wasting brain power on this.

1:45 – “Little bit of the old…that action.”

He put the kickstand up. He didn’t know what it was called.

What was the real reason that he never learned to ride a bicycle? I had the world’s shittiest, most disengaged parents, I had few friends, I hated going outside, but even I learned how to ride a bicycle.

Was it because he was a big fat kid? Would that even play into anything? Do fat kids not ride bicycles?

Was it because he was playing video games all day? It was fucking Atari 2600 when he was a kid. Kids weren’t obsessed with that shit.

Anyway, now he’s at the high school running track for some odd reason. Why would this be the place to test the bike out? I guess it’s suitable in terms of…terrain and space and whatever. But wouldn’t you embarassed as fuck hanging around the high school track? Isn’t that creepy? I don’t know the culture of Yakima, maybe this is normal, but if I see a middle aged man hanging around the high school gym track, I’m thinking that’s some pervert.

He’s with his daughter, by the way. His daughter who…well, the one who says she’s a boy but…doesn’t appear to be a boy. As opposed to his other daughter who really goes all out to look like a guy.

So the daughter rides around for a while.

4:15 – Now John Riggs is going to try.

5:00 – He says that there three other people at this track, including a woman who he went to high school with so he’s obviously embarassed. He has his helmet on because he’s Mr Safety. It’s a child-sized helmet, presumably. His daughter was wearing the same helmet.

So he tools around for a while. He’s obviously afraid of falling. He has his foot like an inch from the ground. This former classmate of his is making a hasty exit and pretending that she didn’t see him.

8:00 – His daughter tries to teach him how ride the bike manually. Oh, in case I didn’t mention, this is motorised bicycle. You press a button and the little engine kicks in. Or you can use it like a regular bicycle.

8:45 – Then John Riggs managed to peddle for a while and his daughter was impressed. Kind of wholesome.

11:00 – Then John Riggs gets into hype man mode and says that we should all buy one. Using his promo code, of course.

11:30 – John Riggs says to his daughter, “I taught you how to swim I taught you…all these other things.”

Well, we have swimming, John Riggs. Do you want to list some of these other things? Hey, I taught you so much. I taught you how to swim and…well, there’s the swimming. You can’t discount the swimming. So I’m a great dad.

That’s the video. In the comments, John Riggs says that he never learned to ride a bicycle because he didn’t want to fall. Where were his parents? I learned at an age where I didn’t really have a choice. I must have been…I don’t know…seven? I remember learning so I wasn’t so young that I can’t remember. But it never occurred to me to say, “I don’t want to do this. I’m afraid of falling.”

These things are like $1,300. They’re just rebranded bicycles made in Chinese sweatshops.

Also in the comments, John Riggs basically apologises for the video. Not because it’s a commercial but because it wasn’t about video games.

No. That’s why I chose the video. Videos about video games are so fucking boring. How many times can you watch a video about River City Ransom or whatever? Fucking move on. Let’s see a video on Yakima’s botanical gardens.