A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master is Freddy for The MTV Generation -Tony from Hack the Movies

Tony is reviewing another horror movie from the 1990s (or maybe 1980s) that I haven’t seen before and don’t give a shit about. So this should be great.

I think that the problem is that I wasn’t interested in movies as a kid. I only went to the cinema…I don’t know…two or three times that I can recall. And at home, I remember getting a VCR and my father’s friend from work bringing ET. This was a big deal because ET was like $70 or something to purchase. Movies were expensive in those days.

We went to the video rental place…once? I think just once. We got Good Morning Vietnam and something else.

The VCR was basically my father’s. He would leave it on a timer to record stuff that he wanted to watch while he was at work. So we were afraid to touch it. You couldn’t just put a movie in and start watching because there was already a tape in the machine and it was set to record at some point in the near future.

So when people talk about going to the video store and their personal tape collection and shit, I didn’t have that experience. And I didn’t go to the cinema. So all of these movies for pre-adolescent boys that Tony talks about, I never watched any of that shit. I didn’t take any sort of interest in movies until I was…I don’t know…in my 30s, I guess. So I was watching films that would appeal to a reasonably intelligent grown man, not movies for 12 year old boys.

0:15 – But first a word from our sponsor: some scam loot box.

Do people still buy these? They were a fad…I dont know…five years ago? Maybe longer than that. But then people realised that it was just a box of shit that they didn’t want coming to their homes every month.

Anyway, this particular loot box that Tony is shilling for looks particularly scammy. It involves online gambling of an extremely dubious variety, even by the standards of online gambling.

2:00 – Then we’re treated to…Tony and Horseface talking about Tony’s cat. The cat is on the set. This is so desperate and at the same time boring as fuck.

5:30 – Horseface says that she’s seen a lot of penises. It’s a testament to the abject desperation of man.

I’m at 20 minutes, by the way. Nothing is happening. I’m just waiting for Horseface to talk about hot chicks. Has she finally given up on that?

21:00 – Oops. Spoke too soon. Horseface says that she loved the black nerdy female character. She hated that she wasn’t it the movie longer. It’s a veiled reference to it being a hot chick. I’ll take it. Even this character who is portrayed as a nerd is considered a hot chick in Horseface’s book.

Whatever happened to Ugly Betty? They just put glasses and braces on a hot chick and called it a day.

22:30 – They’re talking about a scene where a character has some words carved in his chest. And you know what Horseface asks Tony? “I love that. Did you ever have anybody — nobody’s ever carved anything of you or into you or — no?”

No, Horseface. What the fuck is she thinking? Why would she possibly ask such a bizarre question? Like this is normal.

Because, as usual, she was just PRETENDING to take an interest in Tony’s sex life. It was just a prelude to set up her own disgusting story.

“I had an ex who carved my name into his skin.”

Great stuff, Horseface. You’re really hot. Everybody wants to have sex with you. And now this unfortunate man has to explain to people why he has “HORSEFACE” carved into his arm.

She goes on to say that this was in the 7th grade. So Horseface thinks that she was a hot chick even in the 7th grade. It really goes against Horseface’s pity stories, that she tells later, about how she was bullied and whatnot in school and how unpopular she was.

Then Tony says that no, he never carved anybody’s name into his flesh. But he did date somebody who scratched him a lot.

Uh huh. Tony is a real stud. Who wouldn’t want this fat guy who works at a shitty Youtube company? Or I don’t know when this was. Maybe this was during the time when Tony worked in retail. That’s a real panty dropper, right? Or what about now when he’s making these god awful Youtube videos full time? For pennies. The ladies must be lining up around the block.

I made it to 25 minutes. That’s more than twice as good as I normally do. I’m turning this off, though.

“Nobody’s ever carved anything into you?” What the fuck? Everything has to be some weird sex thing with Horseface. AND LOOK AT HER!

I was watching some Newt Wallen videos recently. He did a short where PVC Bondage Guy flashes his boobs at Newt. And there’s another video where PVC Bondage Guy is wearing a strapless dress and he keeps having to pull it up because it keeps falling. It’s just fucking desperate. This is not appealing. I don’t know why these women don’t seem to get it.

PVC Bondage Guy was much more attractive when he was…well, this may be a ridiculous thing to say given the circumstances. But he was much more attractive when he was merely wearing PVC bondage gear. The PVC bondage gear was relatively subtle in comparison to his later overtly sexual bullshit.

I liked the nerdy PVC Bondage Guy, with broken glasses, where you just watched the videos and thought, “What the fuck is this man wearing?” There was an intrigue to it. He wasn’t hitting you over the head with his sexuality. He had dignity or at least the illusion of dignity. Dignity is sexy. Desperation is not.

Destiny Fomo, same shit. “Look at my tits, guys! Look at my tits, guys! Look at my tits, guys!” Okay, I see them. Great. Now what? I’m supposed to go to your shitty OnlyFans? No, I’m not doing that. I’m totally flaccid here. This desperation is a giant turn off.

You hear the same thing in dating situations where women aren’t interested in guys because they seem too eager and desperate. This is something that I’ve experiened first hand. The minute I stopped giving a shit, suddenly the ladies were interested. But by that point, I didn’t give a shit so I wasn’t interested.

And you look at ShiShi and and that weird guy who posts “Smoke show, young lady” on Horseface’s Twitter. Are they successful AT ALL in their attempts to woo these women? “Maybe if I just completely debase myself Erin will go on a date with me.” Yeah, let me know how that’s working out for you, ShiShi. When’s the wedding?

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