Revisiting Batman Returns. Better or Worse Than The First? – Tony from Hack the Movies

Well, I guess that I have to talk about this. At least briefly. Horseface is in a Catwoman outfit, after all.

0:00 – Eugh. It’s like an overstuffed garbage bag full of meat. It’s like she was poured into this suit and the person forgot to stop pouring. Insert third insulting simile here.

1:15 – “I’m going to be so sweaty. This is going to be like taking off a sauna suit at the end.”

Please don’t make me think about any of this.

Then sexy Frank over here, the world’s greatest actor, says, “The world is very jealous of us right now.”

No. Well, maybe the retarded world but the world of people who can live independent lives? No. This is not sexy. This is revolting.

And I know that she’s wearing a mask so that takes care of the horseface aspect of her unpleasant appearance but we still have to look at the body. That…eugh…

I don’t want to say that Horseface is overweight. Because she isn’t overweight. This is well within a healthy weight.

But do you want to see this? Do you want to see a 35 year old woman with jiggly upper arms and an average, at best, sized body squeezed into a latex outfit? Is this the body of a porn star? Because that’s what this is being presented as. We’re clearly supposed to be jerking off to this. No. I don’t get it. I am not jerking off to this. Not a single stroke.

Let’s shift focus from Crystal Quin for a moment because…god…I do want to think about this. How am I possibly going to get through this video? But anyway, Catwoman in general. It was a big thing in 1992 or whenever this movie came out. People were excited about Michelle Pfeiffer and this Catwoman suit.

I was the right age. I was looking at porn and whatnot. I enjoyed sexy ladies. But this Catwoman suit totally baffled me. Why are people excited about this? Let me look this up. Maybe I can appreciate it as an adult.

No. I still don’t get it. First of all, she must be about 40 years old in this picture. Secondly, she has no breasts. And it’s just this suit that covers everything. And the stitching…you’re reminded of Frankenstein. I don’t jerk off to Frankenstein.

It’s some BDSM thing? I guess? No. It’s not my thing.

But it was popular. It became a popular Halloween costume. I can understand why women would be drawn to it. It covers everything and allows even fat chicks think that they’re sexy because it kind of sucks everything into place. Although, as Horseface’s costume demonstrates, not really.

Doesn’t do anything for me, though.

Were there ever any sexy ladies in comic book movies or tv shows? Not that I can think of. Of course, I never really watched that shit. There weren’t too many comic book adaptations when I was a kid and when I became an adult, I lost interest in comic books. Being an adult and all.

Anyway, back to the video. Oh god. Well…as long as they stay zoomed out like this maybe I can stand it.

God, I can’t. I can’t watch it anyway. I’ll just leave it playing and watch something less revolting in another window. Because you know she’s going to talk about how hot Michelle Pfeiffer was, right? I have to stay until at least.

6:30 – Tony inserts some footage of him talking about a student film that Frank was in where he played Bruce Wayne. What is this? Who cares about this guy’s student film career?

Oh. Hold everything. Tony says that there’s a link to this movie. This might be worth watching.

I’m a minute in. It’s eight minutes in total. Frank hasn’t appeared yet. And I’m about to turn this off.

Okay. Good thing that I didn’t watch this. I skipped around after that first minute looking for Frank. Couldn’t find him. Is he even in this? Is he Nightwing, or whoever this is? I don’t fucking know.

But that was a “fan film” from a channel that has 89 subscribers. Let’s get back to Horseface. This was a total waste of my time.

22:45 – Tony makes a racist “joke” about how he doesn’t know the names of the women who appear on his channel. “I don’t know. They all kind of blend together for me. Trisha, Kira: same person as far as I’m concerned.”

And he puts pictures of Trisha and Kira side by side in case the “joke” wasn’t obvious. Trisha is white and Kira is black.

Get it? Let’s focus on people having different skin tones.

I don’t consider myself a racist guy but I appreciate that I sometimes say things that aren’t “PC” or “woke” in regards to race. But I don’t trade in racist humour. And I treat all people with respect and dignity.

I have some views about black people. My views are backed by my personal experiences with them and the available data on things like violent crime, domestic abuse, single fatherhood, and so on. But I treat people as individuals. Sure, we can draw broad conclusions about different groups of people but not everybody fits the stereotype.

Oh, this is a black person, he must be a criminal. Or Newt Wallen shitting his pants over a four year old black child looking for his mother.

So I don’t sit here and make jokes about watermelons and chicken. Because I’m not a fucking retard. There’s nothing funny about racist humour. You’re just exposing yourself as some dumb hick from rural Pennsylvania for whom it’s a novelty to see a black person.

Anyway, I’m turning this shit off. I made it to 23.30. Horseface didn’t actually talk about how hot Michelle Pfeiffer was but she did talk ENDLESSLY about the various interviews that she’s seen of Michelle Pfeiffer and how much she identified with the feminist themes that were explored in Batman Returns and shit like this. Awful stuff.

No. Michelle Pfeiffer had a job. She was an actress. That’s why she dressed like that in the movie. She was getting paid millions of dollars for that.

Horseface works in “events”, sells horrible softcore porn of herself, and is dressed like this…for what? She’s humiliating herself for nothing. For the “fame” of being on Hack the Movies.

4 thoughts on “Revisiting Batman Returns. Better or Worse Than The First? – Tony from Hack the Movies

  1. I actually felt sorry for Crystal, she seemed very, very VERY uncomfortable during this entire thing….

    1. I have a hard time feeling the same lol. She chose to do all this and chose to wear that stupid outfit while a manchild who looked even dumber in that derpy mask ranted for an hour and a half.

      I also consistently feel no pity for her based on her being a desperate attention whore on Twitter for years. She never walks away from any and all of this.

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