Mike Matei and Erin Plays stream Splatterhouse

Hey, Erin is wearing her iconic Hamburglar top, which was immortalised in anime form by artist extraordinaire and pride of the Philippines: CursedCat182. That banner amuses me every time I look at it.

0:00 –

Erin: I am here with…Mike? From Mike Matei Live. And I am going to show him how to play Splatterhouse. Because I beat it and I know how to play Splatterhouse and you don’t know how to play Splatterhouse. Right?

Mike: Uhh…

Erin: It was his idea. So before anybody gets their little panties in a twist, his idea.

Yeah. And a bad idea. A horrible idea.

Here’s how the conversation went down at the Matei/Plays household.

Mike: So I see that you beat Splatterhouse on stream. How about you do a stream where you teach me to play Splatterhouse?

Erin: What? That GamerGrrls guy is going to have a field day if I present myself as a pro at this game. He’s going to call me a “fraud” and a “lying bitch” and talk about how “preposterous” this whole thing is.

Mike: Don’t worry about that loser. I know what people want to watch.

Erin: Well…if you’re sure it’s a good idea.

It’s totally idiotic.

1:00 –

Mike: So how should we do this?

Erin: Well…do you want to start playing first? And if you have any questions, you can ask me?

WHAT QUESTIONS CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE? It’s not a complicated game. There are two buttons. Jump and attack. You go through the lineal stages, walking to the right, and killing the enemies.

1:15 –

Mike: I just want to see how well I can do. Don’t give me tips.

Erin: Okay. I won’t say anything. I’ll just let you do it.

WHAT TIPS CAN ERIN POSSIBLY PROVIDE? It’s fucking ridiculous. She played the game ten times, on stream, for money, and now suddenly she’s an expert?

Mike got hit by the first enemy. Not a good start. Here’s my tip: don’t walk straight into the enemies.

While that’s going on, Erin is doing her Romper Room thing. “I see Guido and ShiShi and Marcus and NINFan.”

1:45 – Mike says, “First of all, I’m trying to figure the buttons out.”

There are only two of them.

8:00 – A horntard asks, “Favourite cute enemies in games.” Erin says, “There are so many, like, top ten lists that I want to do.”

Don’t worry about top ten videos. He’s asking a straight forward question. What are your favourite cute enemies in games. Think of some. You’re a professional gamer, Erin. I mean, technically. She’s getting paid to play video games. It’s a pittance and her ability is abysmal but it doesn’t matter. She’s still a professional. So just name some cute enemies.

Goombas. See how easy that was? Goombas are cute.

Erin can’t do it because she doesn’t know shit about video games.

8:30 –

Mike: So I’m already on stage three? Aren’t there only five?

(long pause)

Erin: I forget how many stages there are.

Uh huh. Erin “always” “forgets” how many stages are in this game. She’s a real Splatterhouse expert.

10:45 – Erin is talking about this guy Zophar who came in the chat. From Zophar’s Domain, apparently. And she says, “When he first came into the chat, I was like, ‘Are you really Zophar?’ and he was like, ‘Yeah'”.

This guy must be in his 50s at least because that website has been around forever.

There’s his Twitter. Apparently, he only owned the site from 1996 to 2000. Recently, he started streaming on Twitch. Yeah, he’s in his 50s. A fat, bearded fuck. Can you believe it? This description fits 90% of Erin’s audience. Fat, bearded men between the ages of 40 and 55.

16:45 – Mike asks Erin who her favourite He-Man character. Eugh. She’s never seen the fucking show. It was cancelled before she was born. And it was for 8 year old boys.

But she said Man-at-Arms. Okay. Tell us why. “Because of his stupid moustache.” Well, she actually gave a reason, as braindead as it was.

23:45 – Mike can’t jump on these platforms. Because he’s fucking retarded, apparently. He keeps trying to kick the enemies (who can’t be hit, by the way) instead of just jumping on the platforms.

26:30 – She’s reading from the chat. “I am not a pro speed runner of this game, no.”

Then why present yourself as such?

27:30 – Mike compares these platforms that he can’t navigate to a Double Dare obstacle course. Erin says, “That’s a good way to put it.”

Erin is a big Double Dare fan. When was this show cancelled? 1993 for Family Double dare. Erin would have been about six years old. She remembers watching this as a six year old?

Maybe she’s referring to the short-lived Double Dare 2000.

Or maybe she’s just pretending to know what people are talking about, as usual.

31:00 – Now Erin is playing.

39:30 – They’re talking about powdered chocolate beverages.

I remember a promotion where they put one of those pink Muscleman figures into every carton of Nestle Quick or whatever it was. That was a stroke of marketing genius. I even remember which figure I got. It was some feminine robot. Then I think I got another figure in another carton but I don’t remember which figure. But it was good promotion because those Muscleman figures were popular. I had 300 of them.

Another good promotion was they gave little stuffed Dino figures in Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles. It wasn’t in the actual cereal, it was in a separate compartment on top of the box. This way, it wouldn’t get dirty. And it was too small to fit in the box anyway. You got a purple Dino in Fruity Pebbles and a brown one in Cocoa Pebbles. I definitely got a purple one. Possibly two. And I also got a brown one, I think. That was the best cereal promotion of all time.

Wow. You can get one of these things for $15, still in the box, on Ebay. That’s tempting. But what do I need a plush Dino for?

56:00 – “I thought these were chilidogs falling from the sky.”

Really? Because a normal person would assume that they’re rocks. But retard over here thought that they were chili dogs.

56:30- A horntard says, “Flaming logs sounds like a name for a rock band.”

He stole this “joke” from Dave Barry. You guys know Dave Barry, right? Nationally syndicated newspaper columnist from the 1990s?

Let me look this guy up. He must have retired years ago.

Yeah, He wrote the column from 1983 to 2005. A running joke would be when he came across a weird couple of words, he would say, “Which would be a great name for a rock band”. This fucking retard in the chat stole the joke from Dave Barry.

Did you think that nobody would notice? I noticed and I’m calling you out for your lame joke stealing.

Oh that’s right. Dave Barry also had some role in that AWFUL television sitcom Dave’s World from 1993 to 1997. It starred Harry Anderson of Night Court fame. He was also in a few episodes of Cheers.

But I saw that they were rebooting Night Court. What a disaster that’s going to be. Have any of these reboots been successful with the possible exception of the Roseanne reboot? And that one ran into problems when Roseanne made a comment that was perceived to be racist and they killed her character off.

The Punky Brewster reboot was quickly cancelled. Is Fuller House doing any good? No. Negative reviews and cancelled after five seasons. That lasted longer than I would have expected.

There was a Murphy Brown reboot? Who would want to watch that? Nobody, it would seem. Negative reviews and lasted one season.

A One Day at a Time reboot? I don’t even remember that show. It was from the 1970s to the early 1980s. I only saw it in reruns. Briefly. And apparently the reboot has a whole new cast. Because the original cast must all be long dead. Fucking Schneider. Yeah, he’s dead.

Mad About You. Lasted one season. I didn’t watch it when it was originally on, I’m certainly not going to watch it when the cast is elderly.

How about a reboot of Perfect Stranger but Balki and Larry decide to retire back in Mypos and they get into all kinds of zany antics with the rural life there. It would be like Green Acres. Instead of Larry being embarrassed that the rube Balki doesn’t know how about life in big city America, it would be Balki who’s embarrassed by Larry for not knowing how to tend sheep and deal with gypsies and whatnot. You reverse the formula. Balki becomes the straight man. They can bring their wives from the later seasons or stay true to their early roots as a homosexual couple.

57:00- Holy shit. Then Erin says, “Have you watched the Night Court reboot?”

How did I even get on to that? Oh. From that guy stealing a joke from Dave Barry. There’s no way that the horntards drew the same series of connections. That’s weird.

58:45 – Now Erin’s hands hurt. Or so she claims. And she’s looking for her “hand thingies”.

1:06:15 – Erin starts doing stretches. Her hands, guys. They REALLY hurt. She has carpal tunnel syndrome. She’s suffering. Don’t you have any compassion?

1:08:30 – “I really like Pac-Land.”

She knew NOTHING about the game when she did a Youtube video about it. “Power pellets? That sounds wrong to me.”

1:09:30 – She’s reading from the chat. “Do you like the Cobra-Kai tv series? I do. I do like Cobra-Kai a lot.”

Go on. “I love Johnny Lawrence.”

Oh. That’s all that she had to say about that particular topic. It’s more than we usually get, I guess.

1:11:15 – “Ayy! I beat it for the SECOND time. Fuck you. Piece of shit.”

Wow. Two times. Erin is a pro at this game.

Then there’s 25 minutes of “just chatting”. Do I really want to watch this? Let’s look at the comments while they drone on.

Nothing interesting.


Oh my god. She talks to this woman who recently promoted her channel on Erin’s Twitter. This woman plays video game music on piano. And Erin has a TWO HOUR conversation with her on Twitch. It’s somehow a part of some nerd convention. You just know that that’s a disaster. But I don’t want to watch it.

Back to the Youtube video, Erin is going on about her history with video games again. “Growing up, my first console was a Super Nintendo.”

FUCK OFF! I’m done with this shit. I’m done with the lies. I’m done with Erin pretending to know ANYTHING about video games.

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