Jason X – Tony from Hack the Movies versus Newt Wallen

Two videos on the same fucking topic, released within two days of each other. This happens a lot with these two. Why? If they’re reviewing a new movie, I get it. But why did they both happen to review Jason X on basically the same day?

Is there a new Friday the 13th movie coming out? Not that I’m seeing. The last one was in 2009. And it wasn’t Jason X.

I know that the thirteenth day of the month fell on a Friday recently but why would they both happen to choose Jason X as the movie to review? Does Newt have a spy in Screenwave? Or Tony have a spy in Schlock and Awe?

Tony released the video first by two days. So…I don’t know what this suggests.

So let’s look at the videos. Tony has his sister-in-law or…somebody on the show. I think that she’s some relative of his. Oh, it’s in the description. It’s his cousin. I remember her from a previous video. She seemed to be refreshingly normal. I’m sure that I’m wrong but that’s how she seemed.

And Johanna is also in this one.

As for The Ideas Man, he brought that fucking dude bro who was in a previous video. Dollar Tree Kevin Smith. He’s wearing his baseball cap in the backwards position and has a bunch of skateboards on his wall. Radical.

He’s like 40 years old, by the way.

And Newt is also wearing a baseball cap, oddly. Maybe this is to make Dude Bro feel more comfortable about his decision to wear a baseball cap indoors. Or maybe it’s because Newt is doing the old James Rolfe trick to disguise the fact that he’s losing his hair.

The Oakland Athletics is, apparently, Newt’s team. That’s an odd choice. Has the team moved? No, they’re still in Oakland. What connection does Newt have to Oakland, California?

The team used to be based in Philadelphia but that was way back in the day. They moved in 1954.

Tony’s review is 80 minutes and Newt’s review is 66 minutes.

So how much of this am I going to watch? None. Zero. I have no fucking interest in these shitty fucking horror movies that both of these clowns insist on doing summaries on for over an hour.

The first person to change the format wins. Fuck these fucking horror movies. It’s been done. It’s grossly oversaturated.

Who’s even looking for a Jason X review in 2023? The movie was released twenty years ago.

What about reviewing NEW movies? Here’s a wild idea. Is anyone doing that? What’s playing now?

Avatar: The Way of Water. M3GAN. Oh, Newt did do a video on that but fuck this horror shit up the ass. I’m talking about…it doesn’t even have to be semi-intelligent films. Just do ANYTHING other than horror films. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll fucking watch it.

Empire of Light. A Man Called Otto. These look interesting. I’d like to hear what Newt and/or Tony and/or the skanks and/or dude bros have to say about these movies. What did they like about the movies? What didn’t they like about the movies? You know…a movie review. A movie review about a normal movie that normal, well-adjusted human beings might like to see.

Tar. Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody. Till. Strange World. I don’t give a fuck. I will watch a review on ANY of those movies. Give me something. Give me something that isn’t your deranged horror bullshit.

It’s not like they don’t have access to these movies. Newt works in movie theatres. He can see all of this shit for free. Probably. Right? At the very least, he’s getting an employee discount.

And I’m sure that Tony knows somebody. Even if he doesn’t, just pay for the fucking tickets. Or sneak in like you’re 12 years old. “Oh, I forgot my baseball cap in the theatre. Can I go look for it?”

Even if you like horror movies, are you going to watch TWO 60+ minute reviews on the same fucking movie? They’re cannibalising their own audience. You have to make a choice. “I’m going to watch Tony’s 80 minute summary of the movie or I’m going to watch Newt’s 70 minute summary of the movie.” Nobody is going to watch both. And how many people are even watching one?

Short reviews. Twenty minutes. No more than that. Siskel and Ebert reviewed three movies in 25 minutes every week. I think that that was too rushed, though. I preferred their PBS format where they had an hour to review the movies. You got longer clips and more detailed analysis.

But no more than 20 minutes. Come on. Have respect for the audience.

So Tony versus Newt. Who’s the winner? Nobody. They’re both losers. Everybody involved with both shows is a giant fucking loser. There’s your real horror. The horror of people totally wasting their lives.

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