WTF Wednesday Review: Hard Ticket to Hawaii – Newt Wallen

Whoa! Look at that sexy thumbnail! We’re going to get some boobies in this one! Like always! I’m fully erect over here. Newt Wallen talking about breasts. This is my fetish.

PVC Bondage Girl is also in this one. I run hot and cold on her.

But Newt? I’m always hot for Newt. Lay it on us, Ideas Man. Tits and gore, I’ll bet.

0:00 – Newt says that it’s cold outside. PVC Bondage Girl says, “It’s very cold.”

Then look at what she’s wearing. What even is this? A bustier?

0:45 – Newt is talking about somebody. I don’t know who. I’ve already tuned out of this shit. But he says, “So you know what I’d much rather do than spend time with football guys? Big old titties and guns.”

He’s totally oblivious to how off-putting this is. PVC Bondage Girl doesn’t want to hear this shit. He just doesn’t get it. There is no woman ON EARTH who wants to sit next to Newt as he talks about large breasted women who he jacks off to. This is not how you woo the ladies. I can’t believe that he’s gone this far in life and hasn’t figured out this day one stuff.

1:15 – Newt continues his TED talk on the history of big breasts in cinema and PVC Bondage Girl covers her breasts with her hands. She’s uncomfortable with this shit. Anybody would be.

2:45 – Newt describes the trousers that PVC Bondage Girl is wearing as “yoga pants”. So she’s wearing extremely tight trousers.

5:00 – PVC Bondage Girl reveals that she owns a snake. The snake is named Sunset. Uh huh.

7:15 – Newt says, “You’re looking for plot in this and all this movie is is tig ole bitties.”

I’m about to turn this off. She was talking about the fucking movie, as Newt asked her to, and then he stops her to say, “Oh, tits and gore.”

I just don’t get it. How can he possibly think that this is interesting to anyone? Are we supposed to be jerking off to this? Does Newt find this arousing? Does talking about breasts to women who he pays to hang out with him sexually excite Newt? How can we explain why he does this in every fucking video?

10:30 – PVC Bondage girl was talking about the movie and once again Newt interrupts her. You’ll never guess what about.

Newt: If you really think about it, exposition drops are the worst part of movies.

PVC: Sure.

Newt: What can make an exposition drop better?

PVC: Titties.

Newt: Titties. Exactly.

I’m done with this shit, Newt. It’s not amusing. It’s not erotic. It’s not interesting. I can’t even understand how anybody, anywhere, can find ANY of this AT ALL entertaining. On any level.

It’s just fucking repetitive. And stupid. And juvenile in the extreme. And you’re making a total ass of yourself with this shit. Paying women to talk about breasts? It’s bizarre. Pay them to have sex with you. That would at least make sense.

  • “You think we’ll ever go back to these tits out scenes in movies? They sure did make for some really memorable moments in flicks”

Newt replies, “My scripts are full of em”

But nobody will ever see that shit. Nobody will ever make a movie out of your fucking god awful scripts. So what’s the point of any of this?

  • “I’m gonna check this one out on tubi before the review.”

Newt replies, “Its wild cheesy boob filled fun”

Yeah. So I’ve gathered.

I don’t get it. How can anybody possibly find it erotic to talk about breasts in Youtube comments? But he obviously does because why else would he keep doing it, in this obsessive fashion? He’s jerking off over Youtube comments? Talking to OTHER MEN about breasts? Breasts from 30 years ago? And to fucking retarded men?

  • “Can we get a Metz backstory. A lovely young lady. But Trans, Furry. Both great. I am confused.”

It’s a good thing that I stopped the video when I did. I don’t want to hear that shit.

Let’s check out his Twitter for more dead celebrities.

Newt re-tweeted this. Some guy seemingly getting sexually excited by Newt Wallen talking about breasts.

How can this possibly be exciting to anyone?

Then you look at his profile. He starts with his pronouns. That’s the first warning sign. Then he says, “Hat wearer, husky, depressed, fearful of crowds, nerd”…”Plump is beautiful”…”I’m a weirdo, don’t be afraid.”

So it’s somebody who obviously has massive mental health problems. This is Newt’s audience.

It’s like mentally retarded people get horny just like anyone else. But maybe they don’t like porn. Maybe they don’t like porn as a result of whatever their neurological condition is. They find it too stimulating, for example.

But they like listening to a middle aged man talking about breasts. That’s their level of eroticism. Just a middle aged man talking about breasts. They find that to be the right level of excitement. And they’re sitting there jerking off to this.

I mean…this has to be an extremely niche audience. And is this an audience that Newt wants to cater to?

Here we go. Newt had to re-tweet the death of Barbara Walters. She was so young. Only 93 years old.

How many times has Newt ever mentioned Barbara Walters? Zero. You think that he was watching 20/20? Or her vapid interviews of celebrities? If you were a tree, what sort of tree would you be? He liked that shit? Fuck no.

But here he is tweeting about it. Why? Because he has an obsession with death. Speak to a psychiatrist about this. A competent one. Not the one you’re currently seeing who, apparently, is telling you to stay the course.

2 thoughts on “WTF Wednesday Review: Hard Ticket to Hawaii – Newt Wallen

    1. I haven’t noticed. But if she is gaining weight, it might be a result of the cocktail of antidepressant and other psychoactive medication that she’s no doubt taking so I wouldn’t want to call attention to it. Improving her mental health is more important than having a slim physique.

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