DOLLY PARTON Home For Christmas 1990 TV Special

0:00 – It’s Dolly Parton in a set made to look like a toy store and there are a bunch of kids around who clearly are not professional actors. Dolly will sometimes break from her script to interact with the kids when they say something, not knowing that they’re not supposed to talk.

What’s more wholesome than a woman with giant tits? This is just weird.

1:30 – Now she’s talking to her band. “We have a camera on so I don’t want any of you cussing.”

Is this a problem with her band? They’re just randomly throwing out profanity?

1:45 – Oh god. Now she’s singing. I didn’t even realise that Dolly Parton was a singer until just now. I thought that she was just that woman with the giant tits. I don’t want to watch 45 minutes of this woman singing.

2:30 – Now she’s bouncing out of that fake toy store. A graphic appears saying that she’s in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Is this a real place?

Yes. Dolly Parton has a number of “business interests” there. Whatever that means. So this special is just promoting her “business interests.” Maybe Dollywood is there.

2:45 – People on this fake set of a city stree are wearing heavy winter coats and Dolly is just bouncing around in her little dress, carrying bags full of empty boxes, and then putting these boxes into the backseat of a fake pickup truck that has fake hay in it.

There’s just something about this that’s insulting my intelligence. It’s obviously all a set and she’s reading a script. But it’s being presented as though this is all real.

3:30 – “Just about everyone in these parts is related to us in one way or another.”

Ummm…hmm. I don’t think that inbreeding in rural America should be something that’s promoted as a positive thing.

By the way, that pickup truck was supposed to be her father’s truck. She can’t get him a better car than this piece of shit? She was a millionaire at this time. Many times over.

4:30 – Are any of these people her actual family? I don’t think so. Whoever they are, they’re going to be really pissed off when they see that she got them empty boxes for Christmas.

5:00 – Now she’s in her alleged childhood home. But again, this is a set. I think. Or a huge house. It looked small from the outside.

5:30 – Her fake brother is singing insulting songs to Dolly now. Comparing her appearance to that of a collie. And Dolly is becoming fake enraged. Threatens to throw him off the show.

What is this? Is ANY of this real? Are any of the 100 people in this “house” actually related to her or are these all actors?

Randy Parton. No, I think that is really her brother. He died last year. But this is corny as fuck and you get an uneasy feeling throughout because you don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.

6:30 – Now they’re singing Deck the Halls? Fuck off. And why is everything about Dolly? There are 100 people in this “house”. They’re all just sitting around talking about Dolly? Nobody else has anything else going on in their lives?

Second verse? No way. I’m skipping ahead.

8:30 – Now she’s singing something else. Some other fucking Christmas carol. By herself this time. And she’s covered up. I’m skipping ahead again.

14:00 – What? Now she’s back with the 99 members of her “family” in this “house” and she’s wearing a giant pair of reindeer antlers. I’m skipping ahead again.

17:00 – More singing. This time she’s wearing a wedding dress or something. For a prostitute’s wedding. And she’s singing for her “family” in this “house”.

Couldn’t she buy implants for the rest of her family? She’s with five of her sisters in this thing now. I don’t know how many, if any, are her real sisters.

20:00 – Now she’s singing Jingle Bells. And earlier, some creep was showing her how the actual jingle bells work. She said that she didn’t know. Really? So he came up behind her and made her do a jerking off motion.

This is…why is she singing Christmas carols? I’d expect her to sing her actual songs. Not public domain Christmas carols.

Well, I don’t know. As a kid, I think I’d prefer Christmas carols to her songs. Because I didn’t know her songs. But…this wouldn’t appeal to me in any event. At any age, this doesn’t appeal to me. Nothing could save this thing short of Dolly taking her top off.

21:45 – Now she’s in some other dress. And why does she always have a corset on? Around her family? Isn’t that weird?

She introduces us to “Elwood, our silly hillbilly from Dollywood.” And it’s a stereotypical dumb, toothless Appalachian guy. This is offensive and totally baffling. Is there really a fucking hillbilly mascot at Dollywood? Or was there? I can’t imagine that there would still be such a thing.

26:00 – Now she’s singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town on a fake carousel with a foot a cleavage showing and a bunch of kids are around. Could she not at least cover up a little for the musical numbers that involve children?

28:00 – Now she’s talking to fucking Santa Claus. Santa Claus has an American Southern accent, apparently. Dolly says that she wants some large brownies. Great stuff.

34:30 – She’s in a white dress now. I don’t know. I’m guessing that she’s going to sing another public domain Christmas song.

41:15 – She’s singing in some fake church. The entire congregation is white. Possibly, these people are all supposed to be her family. And then from out of nowhere, the doors to this “church” swing open and an all-black choir comes in and starts singing. What the fuck is this?

So with this black choir having entered, the song suddenly becomes some kind of jazzy number. Because black people are cool and don’t like that square honkey shit. So Dolly, being the progressive, non-racist person that she is, goes along with it. “Oh, you guys like some of that soul music? Okay. I can do that too. I can sing any kind of song. I’m Dolly Parton.”

42:30 – Now they’re leaving the church, the black people are nowhere to be seen, so she goes back to that boring white people music.

The video ends with Silent Night. Didn’t they already do that one? I don’t know. This thing all ran together.

I was waiting for her “family” to be in the credits. But no. They’re not here by name, anyway. It just says, “Dolly’s Family & Friends.” I’d like to know how many of them are actually her fucking family.

The Bobby Jones Choir gets mentioned but, again, not everybody by name. This is bullshit. Let me look up The Bobby Jones Choir. Are they still around?

There’s a guy named Bobby Jones. He had a tv show called Bobby Jones Gospel that featured different gospel choirs. The show ran from 1980 to 2015. Somehow, this passed me by. I wasn’t watching enough Black Entertainment Television, I guess. It was probably shown early in the morning or something as well.

It had a good run anwyay. Thirty-five years.

Anyway, that was awful.

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