Monster Squad is The Greatest Creature Crossover – Tony from Hack the Movies

Oh, it’s 97 glorious minutes with Tony from Hack the Movies and that crazy anti-abortion nut. We’re in for a treat. And I’ve actually seen the movie. Or at least parts of it.

This movie was, briefly, all the rage with a group of dumb kids who I knew in like…the fifth grade? Sixth grade? They formed their own little monster squad. In order to join the club, you had to know how to kill a variety of different monsters. And they even used the bizarre terminology that the film used. Like “nards” for testicles.

Even as a fifth or sixth grader I thought, “This is fucking stupid.” I had no interest in movies as a kid and I thought that people who were interested in movies were fucking morons. And I was right.

My sister babysat for some kid and he would always quote from movies. It was annoying and he was obviously a dumb kid. Had shitty parents who just let him watch movies all day.

I remember one day, he kept calling me “McFly.” For no reason. I’m playing some video game with him, trying to keep him entertained and he just keeps saying, “McFly. McFly. McFly.” I couldn’t understand what he was saying. It was more like “McFry”. And I never watched Back to the Future anyway. And I didn’t care.

Then his scumbag, idiot mother says, “McFly is a nerd in Back to the Future. So he’s calling you a nerd.”

Okay, well that’s great. I’m here trying to entertain your idiot son and not only is he apparently insulting me, but you feel an obligation to spell it out for me.

That kid now weighs 400 pounds, is a truck driver, and lives in Texas. In a trailer. With his elderly mother. And his mother weighs 500 pounds.

Anyway, Tony from Hack the Movies. Do I even want to watch this? The answer is no, frankly. Maybe I should just think of more annoying kid stories.

Oh, on the train there was an American woman with her son. And her son kept saying, “I’m going to knock your block off.” Repeatedly. Then this woman said, “Of course you have find the one bad thing about Charlie Brown to repeat.”

Eugh…let’s just do ten minutes of this shit video and then I’ll take a nap.

1:15 – This anti-abortion nut shows her “Wolfman’s got nards” t-shirt. So…she’s about as dumb as those dumb kids in the fifth grade. And they were borderline retarded.

Then Tony shows his “Goro’s got nards” t-shirt. I make the same observation.

1:45 – This anti-abortion nut is really going on about how much she loves this movie and talking about her boring as fuck childhood discovery of it.

2:30 – Then she says, “When I moved to LA, I couldn’t believe that other people knew about it.”

Yeah. She’s a big filmmaker, this anti-abortion Jesus nut. Show us your filmography.

Oh. That is…not remotely impressive. She was there for about a year? I guess. And she has a couple of “assistant to the director” credits of zero budget Jesus nut movies.

I’m five minutes in. I’m going to bump that nap up to right now. When I wake up, I’ll MAYBE continue this snoozefest, but probably not.

Yeah, that was refreshing. I’ll go another five minutes.

7:15 –

Lunatic: When I was living in LA, I went out for drinks with one of the characters in the movie at Smokehouse.

Tony: …Okay?

Lunatic: So if you know Smokehouse.

Tony: I don’t know Smokehouse.

Lunatic: (stunned silence) Smokehouse?

Tony: I’m usually really —

Lunatic: George Clooney…I don’t know if he owns it but he named his production company off of Smokehouse. That’s how important an LA staple it is.

GET TO THE POINT! We don’t all know Smokehouse. We’re not all living it up in Los Angeles (or “LA”) like your fucking mentally ill ass, pursuing our Jesus nut dreams.

She got a drink with one of the “characters” in the film. What the fuck does that mean? She got a drink with the Wolfman? And if she means one of the ACTORS in the film, they all must be in their 50s by now. At least. The adult actors must be in their 70s by now. She’s getting drinks with elderly actors? And she’s boasting about this?

Let me look this Smokehouse up. Crazy Casey REALLY wants us to know about it.

It’s a restaurant. Big. Fucking. Deal.

8:30 – The story went nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. So Tony, trying to bring this back on track, says, “Casey, would you please read the back of the box?”

Ummm…no. I’m done. I don’t want to listen to this airhead Jesus nut struggle to read.

  • “Where’s Kieran”

Tony abandoned his old crew for Dumb Skank of the Week shit.

  • “Wow this girls annoying. Cant imagine how she got noticed

A rare voice of reason in the comments.

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