Thirty minutes? What the fuck? For a guy who’s so concerned about time, he certainly doesn’t value the time of the audience.
0:30 – But first a word from our sponsor.
I’m going to continue to make the Keeps joke until Keeps is actually a sponsor. Keeps. The sponsor should be Keeps. Because James is experiencing male pattern baldness. It would be funny. Come on. Fucking Joe from Game Sack shills for Keeps and he’s also bald. So why can’t James do it? Shamelessly feed on the insecurities of middle aged men.
Oh. A VPN. I haven’t seen this a billion times already. Why does this VPN continue to pay for these ads for Jimmy? There are surely diminishing returns. Everybody who watches these videos already knows about the VPN.
1:45 – What the fuck. I saw this intro video where he’s simulating being in the Doom game on Reddit. And the Doomguy is bald. I assumed that it was the boys on Reddit who Photoshopped this as a joke. No. This is the actual video.
2:00 – Oh god…this…what? Just invest in some clippers, Jimmy. Put a number two guard on them and go all the way around your head.
2:30 – Weird, edited footage of Data from Star Trek playing Doom. And Jerry Seinfeld from his titular show.
3:00 – Jimmy says that Doom was the first time that he heard about “system requirements”. What? When was Doom released? In 1993. Well, I guess. I knew about system requirements as soon as I got a computer but Jimmy is a bit younger than me and maybe he didn’t get a computer until later.
7:00 – Jimmy talks about how awesome it is that the dead bodies don’t go away. I also thought that this was cool but it’s a pretty autistic thing to mention.
11:30 – The world’s worst acting. He yells “Doom” repeatedly.
Then there’s like a two minute skit. Really bad.
13:45 – Super Nintendo Doom. This is all footage from Mike Matei’s streams, by the way. And I assume that Mike wrote all of this. Or Kieran. The only person who I know didn’t write this is James Rolfe.
Then for the next 12 minutes or so, he briefly discusses various Doom ports. When he runs out of official ports, he just talks about fan-made shit.
24:15 – Poop. Lots of poop. Poop from the butt. Jimmy is jerking off over this.
I…what? Then James inserts a giant gun into his anus and says that he’s going to defecate on some demon. Why would anybody…this is just James’ masturbatory fantasies. Nobody is laughing at this. They can’t be. This is just jerk off material for James Rolfe. It’s gross. I don’t want to see this guy’s disgusting scat fetishes.
27:00 – Ummm…just disgusting, unfunny shit from Jimmy “Scatman” Rolfe. I won’t even describe it.
27:15 – Then it ends with Jimmy entering the video game. Shoots various Doom ports. Then he meets the guy who made Doom, and this guy actually voiced his character, but…the writing is shit and it goes nowhere. That was a wasted opportunity.
28:45 – Written, directed by, and starring James Rolfe.
Uh huh. Sure it was.
Somebody named Marshall Halligan got a “help” credit. Let’s see who that can be.
He’s on Facebook and it says that he works at Screenwave but I can’t see the pictures because I don’t have a Facebook account.
The guy who made the rubber armour in this video also got a credit.
It reminds me of that kid who made all of that cardboard Halo shit. Was it Halo? Penny Arcade did a comic strip about him. This was many years ago. I can’t find it now. Maybe it wasn’t Halo. But it was some game. He made all of the armour and weapons and whatnot.
Oh, here it is. I was right. It was Halo.
https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/07/18/the-man-maker
Anyway, this video. It was fine, I guess, if you appreciate that James Rolfe had no involvement in it other than to be a bad actor. And the ending with all of the defecating was really stupid and detracted from the video.
Let’s see what the boys on Reddit have to say. Something gay, no doubt.
Nothing interesting.
Some guy from Reddit was remonstrating with me saying that my blog is inferior to the defunct Irate Gamer Sucks blog because the guy who made that blog (Batdan, or something) supported the community whereas I call out the community for being homosexuals. That was the implied argument, anyway,
I guess that it’s true. I don’t support anything that goes on at TheCinemassacreTruth. It’s not the homosexuality that I object to, although many of the people who post there are openly gay and many of the rest of them certainly behave in a homosexual fashion so maybe they’re in the closet. But no, it’s the mindless harassment that I object to. Plus, the weird homoerotic Photoshops, but they haven’t posted stuff like that in a while.
I mean, how can I possibly support any of that? They’re fucking weirdos. If that’s the shit that you want to do with your time, feel free. But I’m not going to say, “Hey, it’s really cool how you keep talking about how big Mike’s penis is.” Because…it’s stupid. I’m not going to support stupidity.
GamerGrrls is not an extension of TheCinemassacreTruth. It’s a respite from that dumb bullshit. It’s a refuge for people who have at least half a brain and want to read something semi-intelligent about Cinemassacre or Erin Plays or what have you.
So no, I’m not supporting that community of cretins. Anyway, it’s 5:40! Gotta go watch my three memes.
The C64 bit is really tired, it was a good one-off joke that became forced lore.
I don’t know how it became “kitsch” among Americans millenials — it was your grandpa’s spreadsheet machine, your only memory is seeing it gathering dust in their garage.
For a thirty minute video, they could have elaborated on so many other aspects of the game (deathmatch? fan content? stopmotion clay figures? ID software antics), but they chose to do a video equivalent of a “list-acle” beating the dead horse of the stale “Doom runs on everything” meme.
A grade schooler could read the doom wiki for about an hour and make a more interesting script.