What didn’t she expect to find at a nerd convention? I’ll say…a guy who had sex with a woman.
0:00 – Whoa! She’s getting the titties out. This is Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal, for those who don’t know. She got this moniker from a HORRIBLE nerd convention panel that she did a few years ago. I talk about it here:
Was it really only a year ago? Wow.
“One of the best ways to connect with the community is visiting gaming conventions.”
She might be right. All the more reason NOT to go to these things.
I’m not saying that I’m The Fonz or anything but the people who go to these video game conventions seem to revel in being undatable nerds. They’re dressing up in gay little outfits, they’re pouring gravy on their burritos, they’re going to panels lead by complete nobodies like Zap Cristal. What’s the appeal to any of this? What normal adult would ever want to go to such a thing?
And if you’re going there to try to pick up chicks, forget it. First of all, the odds are heavily stacked against you. There’s like one woman for every fifty guys. And the few women who are there tend to be wives or girlfriends who were dragged along by some guy. And in any event, any woman there is going to be seriously undesirable. Some fat, green-haired freak who’s looking for a fourth guy to be in her “poly” relationship. No thanks.
0:15 – So anyway, Zap went to Pittsburgh Retro Gaming Expo. She’s from Texas. She shows a map of the screen of her route that bears absolutely no resemblance to the route she actually took. It was just a random zig zag thing that she found on the internet.
0:30 – She did a panel with her husband. Hopefully, we won’t be seeing much of that. God. I can not believe that she’s still being invited to panels after that GOD AWFUL panel she ruined by just talking about how hot she is.
If you haven’t seen the video, there were like five women there, the subject was some generic “women in gaming” thing, and Zap made it all about her. All about how hot she is.
Zap is a chubby, middle aged mother in Texas.
0:45 – I’m not sure what message we’re supposed to get from this serious of videos. First, it’s Zap French kissing a Pac-Man statue. Then in the very next video, there’s a kid about to roll dice but it obviously looks like the “jerking off” motion.
Is Zap trying to tell us something? Something about how hot she is? And she uses this kid as an example? It’s gross.
1:00 – “I’m excited because I just bumped into NES Pro Magazine. I am a writer for them.”
Oh. So this is just more self-promotion from this woman.
Then she shows you the article that she wrote in the magazine. Nobody gives a shit. Talk about something other than yourself. Please.
2:00 – Oh, what do you know. A 400 pound guy with some kind of “comedy” fedora and a fat green-haired woman. Actually, I guess it’s more of a “comedy” bowler hat.
Zap is there. Watching them play some board game. Looks like fun. This is really how I want to spend my time.
They could not pay me enough to go to this shit. I don’t know how those cosplay girls do it. The ones that they pay to attend. Those women must REALLY need the money to agree to be around these absolute dregs of society.
2:45 – You guys like really loud musical montages, right? With generic, royalty-free music? Then strap in.
4:45 – Cringe as fuck “sexy”…I don’t even know how to describe this. Let’s just move on. I don’t want to think about this any more.
6:00 – A toddler looking at a pink R2-D2. This is fucking terrible. Who would go to this thing? What responsible parent would bring their children to this? And how did such a person procreate in the first place? We can’t see the mother. Probably 400 pounds and green hair.
6:30: Then the nerd who made this pink R2-D2 gives a look at the internal workings and points out the kill switches. You know…in case this pink R2-D2 ever becomes sentient and starts going on a murder spree.
Then the creator of this thing hands the pink R2-D2 head to his wife. His wife is 400 pounds. At least she doesn’t have green hair.
I don’t like commenting on people’s appearance like this but…you can’t fucking miss it. Obesity seems to be the norm at these nerd conventions. Why? Why can’t you be a giant nerd ANY watch what you eat?
I understand that playing video games or building pink R2-D2s is a stationary activity. So you’re not getting any exercise. But LOADS of hobbies are stationary. You don’t see many obese crochet enthusiasts. Or stamp collectors. Or whatever. But video games seems to either attract really fat people or create really fat people.
And the guy who made this pink R2-D2 is 500 pounds.
7:30 – Zap Cristal says, “I played video games when I was a young little lad, back in the day.”
I…what? She was a boy? Did I mishear this? She said “lad”, right? As opposed to “lass”?
What a fucking moron. Either she’s coming out as transgender or she thinks that “lad” means “kid” or something.
“But nowadays, I don’t really have time to play games.”
Oh. Sure you don’t, James Rolfe. Zap is just too fucking busy. I don’t think that she has a job, but I don’t know. Maybe she does. I’m not sure why I think that.
7:45 – “So I went to the tabletop section and I was like, ‘Oh my god. Oh my god. It’s your girl.”
And she’s dancing while saying all of this. Oh my god. I do not want to see this. This is cringe as fuck. Zap thinks that she’s a hot chick. No. You’re a fat middle aged Texan. Think of your son. He has to go to school. You’re a total fucking embarrassment.
So she ended up playing Dungeons & Dragons with some GIANT FUCKING NERDS. Even though she didn’t play the game before and she didn’t know the rules. She just wanted more attention. She thinks that she’s a hot chick.
And look at this fucking crew. Pause the video at 8:24 exactly. A fat, middle aged guy in a flannel shirt; a fat guy in his 30s in a flannel shirt; a fat middle aged woman; a fat 12 year old mixed race girl; a fat, middle aged Texas woman, and the dungeon master is a fat, middle aged guy.
Then the camera pans out to show the two remaining people in this game. A corpulent middle aged man; and a fat middle aged guy with a ponytail wearing some kind of wizard attire.
What the fuck. Who would possibly want to go to this thing?
Then Zap says, “I kicked everybody boo-tay in that session.”
Now, I’ve never played Dungeons & Dragons but…is that how the game works? Isn’t it a cooperative game? Aren’t you fighting monsters as a team?
But no. Zap kicked everybody’s ass. The first time playing the game. She’s just a natural Dungeons & Dragons pro. She kicked the shit out of that 12 year old girl.
8:00 – Then there’s some cringe as fuck bullshit by this dungeon master as he recreates an orc getting hit in the chest with a +1 sword of flaming or something. This guy’s flaming alright.
The fat middle aged woman just avoids eye contact while he’s doing this. She wants to be anywhere but here. She’s re-evaluating her life. Trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong.
9:15 – “This is my son’s favourite activity. By the way, he’s behind the camera.”
How creepy is this? This woman’s son is filming his mother, who’s showing a lot of cleavage and dancing around talking about what a hot chick she is. Can you imagine such an upbringing? Social services should be called.
“Mom, I really don’t want to film you dancing around in your little MILF outfit talking about how sexy you are. It makes me uncomfortable. Can somebody else do this? Or just get a fucking tripod?”
Then she just talks about this cringe as fuck video game musician.
10:30 – “I am originally from the East Coast. I am from New Jersey.”
Oh great. Newt will be happy to hear that. Newt is always inspired by people from New Jersey who become big success stories. Like Zap “Too Hot to be an Influencer” Cristal over here.
And for somebody from “the East Coast”, she sure does say “ya’ll” a lot.
Then she starts like, pretending to have an orgasm over bagels. Is that what she’s saying? Or is it “bake offs” I can’t make it out. “Bagels” would make more sense unless bake offs are a big thing on “the East Coast”.
“Hey. Mom. Can you not have an orgasm on camera here? It’s making me really uncomfortable.”
11:30 – Now we’re getting some “power tips” and she inserted audio of children screaming. It’s just weird as fuck. All of this is bizarre.
And…there are no tips. Not one. She teased this shit at the start of the video. She said that at the end of the video, there would be some tips of what to do at nerd conventions.
So what did we get? Just “click here for another video”. That’s what this was. It was all just to advertise another video. People don’t enjoy being lied to. You’re not going to get views like this. And this video has 900 views after two days. She has 5,000 subscribers.
- “The community aspect of conventions is really why I go. I could find items on ebay, but I can’t find human experiences.”
Very sad comment. Maybe lose 200 pounds and you’ll be able to get a girlfriend.
That’s what this is. It’s enormous people, overwhelmingly men, whose obesity prevents them from forming relationships. So they pay to go to these nerd conventions to pretend to have friends for a day. It’s sad.