CLERKS 3 Review – Newt Wallen

0:00 – “I don’t want to be a whiny bitch.”

That ship has sailed, Newt.

“You see nothing but negative of everything any more from thirty-something to forty-something year old white dudes on Youtube complaining about The Little Mermaid or Lord of the Rings or Batgirl or whatever.”

Newt really hates white people.  A lot of people who have this belief will have a lot of black friends or whatever.  But Newt’s friends are all white.  Maybe Newt tried to make friends with black men but the soul brothers just weren’t interested.  

Newt: Hey, Darnell.  Want to go to a midnight screening of Blacula with me and then maybe we can go to the all-night fried chicken place?

Darnell: Uhhhh…yo, yo, yo.  I think I’m busy that day, dawg.  But thanks for looking out.  Gotta go now.  Bye.

But here’s why people don’t like a black Little Mermaid and shit like this: it’s pandering.  Nobody wants that. It’s the same with the female Ghostbusters and shit like this.  

There’s nothing righteous about any of this.  It’s just the usual Chosen People cynically trying to cash in on this lowest common denominator bullshit.  Take an existing property, change all of the characters to be black/women/transgender/whatever and hope that enough of the people in this demographic and their “right on” “allies” pay to see this shit.

If you want to make a movie about a black mermaid, by all means do so.  But don’t use the existing movie.  It’s lazy and it’s pandering and it’s insulting to one’s intelligence.  

If these people were racist, they’d be boycotting all films that have predominately black casts.  But nobody is doing that.  Nobody has a problem with films that have predominately black casts or predominately female casts or whatever.  The problem is this fake, bullshit pandering where they take an existing movie (or whatever) and make everybody black/female/transgender/whatever.

0:30 – Then Newt tells his riveting story about how he learned about Kevin Smith in the fifth grade and it really inspired a young Newt Wallen to pursue his plagiarised tits and gore dreams.

2:15 – Newt doesn’t like the movie because, in reference to Kevin Smith, “Everything he says in this movie, he’s already said elsewhere and better.”

Yeah.  It is annoying when somebody keeps repeating himself.  You know what I mean, Ideas Man?  Tits and gore?  New Jersey?  

3:00 – Newt went to see this movie and the Screenwave crew (presumably Horseface too) happened to be at the same cinema and Newt says, “There was some whispering and that kind of stuff and that sucked.”

It is petty.  Yeah, Newt is a scumbag and a plagiarist.  And Horseface is a scumbag.  Tony is a scumbag.  Justin is a scumbag.  But just get on with it.  You don’t have to talk to each other.  But apparently, rural Pennsylvania is so small a community that you just happen to bump into each other.  So just ignore each other but be adults about it.  

3:30 – He says that he intentionally didn’t laugh during the movie because he didn’t want Horseface and the gang to hear him.

9:45 – Newt says that he went to the same film school as Kevin Smith.

Oh yeah.  This seems to check out.  It was apparently Vancouver Film School and Newt has said in the past, many times, that he lived in Vancouver.

Established in 1987.  I see.  I’m getting scam vibes here.  Let me look for the acceptance rate.

It’s 84%.  Tuition is between $25,000 and $40,000 a year.  Yeah.  I see.  

It’s not too far off from that lunatic abortion nut from Hack the Movies who went to a “film school” that had a 100% acceptance rate.  Literally 100%.

This thread confirms my suspicions.  It’s a predatory school.  Why are these things so common in the US and, apparently, Canada?  Why is nobody cracking down on this shit?  People are being enslaved for the rest of their lives with these fucking scam schools.  

I’m at 12 minutes.  I’m sorry but this is boring.  I can’t watch another 15 of this.  Newt didn’t like the movie.  Okay.  Great.  Moving on.

Here’s some *bonus* content.  Newt is talking about how he made it to the second round of some weird Twitter “contest”.

This one minute video was “filmed” on the same day as he saw that movie and Horseface was in the same cinema.  He starts crying in this video.  He’s so moved by the support of his loyal ladyboys who gave him a thumbs up or whatever was required in this thing.

Oh.  I just looked this up.  It’s even weirder than I suspected.  

You can vote every day.  So it’s obviously just promotion for the website.  They want people to keep going to the website every day for whatever reason.

But you can also just give them money and you’ll get more votes.  Who would do this?  

And if you win, you get $13,000, a “walk on role” in an “independent film”, and a two night stay at Buffalo Bill’s House.  Whatever that is.  Oh, and the winner will also “go head-to-head with horror legend Kane Hodder in a photoshoot for Rue Morgue Magazine”.  That’s even more confusing.  What exactly is being awarded here, if anything?

It’s just a stupid popularity contest.  There’s no way to see who the “competitors” are.  You only know who they are if they’re spamming this shit on their social media and telling you to vote, like Newt was doing.

There are a lot of easier ways to make $13,000.  I wouldn’t even want this other shit.  The other shit is just a chore.  It’s a job.  For $13,000 you want me to be a background character in some shitty student movie, travel to some shitty house or something for two days, and take part in a photoshoot with some 67 year old man?  Fuck no.  Maybe add a zero to that sum and I’ll consider it.

But these are the PRIZES.  The “prize” is having to deal with all of this weird bullshit.  Just give me the money and fuck off.  No.  I’m sure that you have to do all of this weird bullshit to get the money.  And even then you might not get it.

Well, he did better than Macy Jarry, the Horror Whore.

It just shows how pointless this “contest” is.  You’re telling me that you’d vote for Newt Wallen over her?  It’s just some weird promotional thing for the website.  But I can’t even figure out what they’re promoting.

Whether they give a prize away or not, it’s a scam.  Just like Newt’s film school.  They’re selling a dream that 99.99% of the people won’t get.  You’re better off buying lottery tickets.  

8 thoughts on “CLERKS 3 Review – Newt Wallen

  1.“I got myself fired and then my coworkers were there at a movie a year later and it ruined it for me, fucking pity me”LOL he is really bringing this up at every chance he can get. Sure, it's kind of a wacky coincidence they all went to the same theater, but it's also owned and exactly what he deserves. Maybe you should move because multiple other people aren't going to. Problem solved there.

  2. In the comments he said “Im just not gonna go to any theaters near where I live”Haha okay, you're seriously a pussy and a coward dude. That's ridiculous.Also someone asked who “came over and said hi” and he said he'd rather keep that to himself and that “only 1 of them has not blocked me on social media”.What the fuck did you say a year ago to burn bridges this badly with these people who are trash mostly themselves? That must have been one hell of a crazy texting storm or something. Or did your sideburns just piss all of them off alone?

  3. I assume that it was Justin who said hello. Newt told a weird story a few months ago about rekindling some kind of bromance with Justin while in a hotel suite.Maybe it was Kieran. You never hear about Kieran in these stories. But it certainly wasn't Horseface or Tony.

  4. I don't think that he has to move just to avoid former co-workers. If people just behaved like adults, none of this would be a problem. You shouldn't have to move to a different town every time you lose a job.

  5. I'm not serious. I'm being completely sarcastic.That's the only way he can solve this though because his personality won't allow any other solution.

  6. Yeah I doubt they would actually approach him and say anything.He sure finds himself at a bunch of the same events and locations as them. It's happened multiple times in the past year.

  7. Also to be really clear here, he didn't just lose a job. He got shitty with them or some kind of drama happened after losing the job. So there is no peace and never will be because all these people are children.So this isn't just any normal situation where you lose a job and it's only awkward.

  8. He sure comes across as “obsessed” sometimes….wouldn't suprise me at all if those “chance encounters” were anything but accidental….

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