TMNT: Shredder's Revenge and Taiko No Tatsujin – Talk About Games – Mike Matei 

Nice shirt.  How much buttsex did this buy you?

The Erin Plays t-shirt notwithstanding, this episode is BORING AS FUCK.  I had to turn it off after 15 minutes.  It’s just Mike droning on in nerdy detail about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Mostly the cartoon from the 1980s.  

I used to be able to watch these Talk About Games but they took a real nosedive of late.  The last episode was them talking about what is and what is not a “metroidvania”.  I don’t give a shit.  

And both Ryan and Mike constantly insult the viewers.  Mike will talk about how annoyed he gets at the people who go to his streams and Ryan will go along with this.  “Yeah, they’re real idiots!  Ha!”

I don’t want to tell Youtube professionals like Mike and Ryan how to conduct their business but it seems to me like calling your viewers annoying and mentally retarded isn’t the way to go.  And they do this constantly.  

It’s true that the people who go to these streams are annoying and mentally retarded but this is your audience.  If you don’t want to deal with these people, go get a job like a normal person.  These retards are paying for your lavish lifestyles.  

So Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Mike talks about them a lot.  I was slightly too old for them when they became popular.  I had the toys but it was at the point where it was embarrassing to have the toys.  I’m thinking that I must have been…12?  13?  It was one of the last toy lines that I got.  I think that the Hasbro WWF figures were my last toy line.

I remember some kid in the 8th grade boasting about how he got rid of all of his toys.  It seemed crazy to me.  But I don’t think that I played with toys longer than average.  I wasn’t buying toys by the time I was 15, surely.  

Anyway, I had the figures.  Raphael, Leonardo, Usagi Yojimbo, Metal Head, Leatherhead, Bebop, Rocksteady, Rat King,  Mondo Gecko, Triceraton.  I think that that’s it.  I’m looking at a list.  I didn’t get anything past 1990 and the only 1990 figure I got was Chrome Dome.  I think that Triceraton was the last figure I got, though.

I found the Leonardo figure in my mother’s cabinet…or something…I don’t know the word, in her bedroom but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want her to know that I was going through her stuff.  Maybe there’s a reason why she has a Leonardo figure.  I don’t know.  

So months went by and she finally gave me the figure.  She said that she found it in this cabinet.  It was intended as a Christmas gift and she forgot about it.

I never got all four turtles.  I didn’t care about this.  You see nerds on the internet talking about how they were “completionists” and whatnot and had to get all of the figures.  I didn’t know anybody who did this.  Who were these rich assholes getting every figure?  I’d get stuff for Christmas or my birthday or just sometimes if we were in the store.  You’d pick whatever was there.  You weren’t going to this store every week, as the new shipments come in, and trying to collect every single figure.  Who was doing this?  It’s not even about the money.  Who cared this much?

You hear about “army builders” as well.  Kieran has talked about this and that nerd on Pegwarmers talks about this.  This is the idea where you get a bunch of Foot Soldier figures, for example.  You’d get dozens or however many of the same, identical figure.

Nobody was doing this.  It’s insane.  Who had the money to get multiples of the same figure?  Who would even want to do that?  

Looking at this list, variants are another problem for me.  I never wanted the variant figure.  Especially if I already had the regular figure.  I never got a variant of a figure that I already had.  It doesn’t make sense.  How are you going to use the figure?  You have Leonardo and then the variant Leonardo where he does some kind of action?  How can both figures exist in the same universe?  This is a parallel dimension Leonardo?  It’s his long lost twin brother?  What is this?

I had two sets of GI Joe Tomax and Xamot figures.  Two different people gave me them on one Christmas.  So I had to carefully compare the figures to find slight paint discrepancies to distinguish the figures.  So instead of twins, it was a quartet.  That’s sort of easy to go along with because they were already twins to begin with.  You’re just doubling it.  

I hated figures that had an action.  Just give me the regular fucking figure.  I don’t need sword-swinging action at the press of a button.  

This is why I hated the Ghostbusters line of toys.  I had the toys but I hated them . I don’t remember really playing with them.  They all had some stupid action.  You squeeze the arm, which was oddly outstretched, and the character would make a “scared” face.

I would have much preferred a character with normal arms, at his sides, and no stupid face.  But the whole line was like this.  I liked the classic monster series the best.  It had Dracula and Frankenstein’s monster and whatnot.  But, again, you’d squeeze their legs and they’d so some stupid action.  I don’t want this.  Fuck your actions.

I never got playsets either.  They were too expensive, too big, and I didn’t want them.  

Well, I suppose that I got the ring for the WWF figures.  I also had the much larger ring for the LJN figures.  I had three or four LJN figures.  Those were some shit figures.

I suppose that the Hasbro WWF figures also had action features but I didn’t mind those.  Maybe just because it was such an improvement over the brick-like LJN figures.  But a normal, articulated figure, like what came much later with Jakks Pacific or whatever, would have been greatly preferred.

I liked Sectaurs.  Those were hard to find.  Not a popular toy line.  But they were just large, articulated figures and they’d have an insect companion.  Some of them had hand puppet companions.  Those were cool.  I had the spider one.  They were probably expensive but I had a few of the figures.  Three, I think.  

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors were also cool.  They were little cars that just had a base and you could change the tyres out and the weapons.  Interchangeable parts.  Sort of modular.  They had little brain guys as the drivers or tiny human figures.

You don’t hear anyone being *nostalgic* for Sectaurs or Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors nowadays.  It’s always the same old bullshit.  GI Joe, He-Man, Transformers, TMNT, whatever.  Trash that had successful tie-in cartoon series.  And the cartoons were just designed to sell the toys.  No artistic value to these cartoons.  

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