https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvBgs49KHsQ
13:15 – He’s talking about this movie. “It got a lot of press because they also released Amityville in Space. The title for that, people love the meme-ification movies. The Amazing Bulk and The Shark Exorcist.”
Citation needed. Nobody is watching this shit. People want to watch good movies. Not trash. I’ve never sat down and said, “You know what? I want to spend the next 90 minutes watching a steaming pile of shit.”
But Newt doesn’t seem to get it. He’s ripping off these terrible, terrible movies. Is it working for them? If it’s not working for them, why would it work for Newt Wallen, somebody who has no budget, no experience, and no talent?
He mentions Donald Farmer. He’s somebody who did Shark Exorcist 2, which Newt says he “did a scene on”. Whatever that means. He’s told this story before.
Let’s look up Donald Farmer. Is he a millionaire?
Well, he’s not on Wikipedia. That’s the first red flag. Not noteworthy enough for Wikipedia.
https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0267740/
There’s his IMDB. It’s just a bunch of tits and gore trash. And he’s 68 years old. He’s wasted his life on this shit. And he’s made no money. So there’s no artistic merit to any of this shit and no financial benefits.
14:00 – “If you go into their version of Sharkula and you’re mad that it wasn’t like I wanted this to be (holds up his Sharkula script) you’re already in the wrong fucking boat because that’s not what these movies are.”
Who the fuck watches a movie, folds their arms, and says, “Well, this isn’t like the movie idea that Newt Wallen had so I won’t even give this a chance.”
We don’t know what your Sharkula was. Wait. What am I saying? Yes. It’s tits and gore. That’s what he’s talking about. The Sharkula that got released, apparently, has neither tits nor gore.
But earlier, Newt said that when you go to a movie called Sharkula, you expect tits and gore. I don’t know why he said that but that’s what he said. Whatever.
14:30 – “This is, ‘How quickly can we get something out there before some asshole — you know, me — gets that title out there.”
Yeah. They rushed to produce this thing to beat NEWT WALLEN to the punch. Nobody fucking knew about Newt’s shitty movie idea. The guy made one movie in his life and it was a giant piece of shit. What are the odds that he’s ever going to release another movie? Nobody was concerned about this. Nobody knew about it.
And if the idea is so unimaginative that more than one person had the exact same title, doesn’t that tell you anything? Newt has no ideas whatsoever. He stole “Sharkula” from a “movie” he saw called Sharkenstein. Now he’s stealing all of the “Amityville” titles because he learned about some other “filmmaker” who’s stealing all of the “Amityville” titles.
14:30 – “Here I am thinking, ‘I’m going to make it funny and smart. No, it’s a B-movie and it’s all about getting it out there as quickly as possible and making a buck and moving on to the next one. That’s what these guys do and that’s what makes them successful at B-movies.”
But they’re not successful. Nobody is watching these movies and they aren’t making any money.
15:45 – “So when I hear people say, ‘Oh, don’t you want to make a good movie?’ I go, ‘No, I just want to make a movie. I want to make movies and spend my life doing that and not have to work in a movie theatre or making other people’s dreams come true and not having your names on things or whatever.”
Do you suppose that it was Tony from Hack the Movies’ dream to make shitty Youtube videos? Or Jimmy to make shitty Youtube videos? No, of course not.
And this is not a valid career path. Making shitty movies that nobody wants to see? No. It’s not going to work. You know what works? Jobs. If you don’t want to work in a movie theatre, go see if Jiffy Lube is hiring. Or if your local dentist needs a receptionist.
Speaking of dentists, you could train to be a dental assistant. I’ve seen some real specimens. My favourite dental assistant was a woman who had face tattoos.
If a woman with face tattoos can get a job as a dental assistant, it tells you everything that you need to know. It’s a job that’s in great demand and they’ll take ANYONE, if they’re qualified. You probably need to do some course but that’s good. It weeds people out. You’re not applying for an unskilled job that anyone off the street can do.
And what does a dental assistant make? The average salary is $21/hour. That’s a lot of scratch. More money that I ever made in the US. WAY more. Of course, this was 20 years ago. But still. It sounds good to me.
This is what you have to do. Learn a trade, find the jobs that nobody wants to do, shit like this. Then you can make money. Nobody wants to be a dental assistant, being around the stench of rotted teeth all day. It’s horrible. Those people deserve every penny they get. Nobody ever begrudges dentists or dental assistants for making too much money. If anything, they’re underpaid.
25:30 – He compares the production company of this movie to diarrhoea. “Sometimes it’s good diarrhoea and sometimes it’s the kind where you have to fucking hold on to the seat and your legs go up in the air and your eyes roll back in your head.”
Now, I won’t bore anyone with the details of my bowel problems over the years but suffice it to say, I’ve had some problems back there.
Nevertheless, I have never experienced anything remotely similar to what Newt is describing. Why would diarrhoea be hard to pass? Even with constipation, I have never had problems like this. Newt should see a doctor about this.
I have loads of poop stories, each more vile than the last, but I’ll just tell one quick one. When I was in the second grade, I had my first communion. I’m sure most people know what I’m talking about but it’s a religious thing.
So before church, I feel the need to drop a load. I go to the toilet and really bad constipation. I was able to get a bit out but nothing dropped. And I was sitting on the toilet for quite a while. And time is ticking by. I have to leave for church soon. This is a big event.
So I start panicking. I pull my trousers up and start walking out the bathroom door but…it’s a bit hard to walk because I have this piece of shit lodged back there. But I have to leave soon so I’m feeling back there and trying to look back there. “Does it look noticeable? Can I do this?” I can feel the poop there. It’s a big chunk that was out.
Then I realised that even if I could walk to church and kneel, without anyone noticing that I’m moving funny or smelling funny, how was ever going to sit? So I went back on the toilet, and managed to push through.
Then I went to the first communion, threw up in the pew in front of me, and ruined the event for everyone. But at least I didn’t also have a big piece of shit in my ass.
26:00 – Now Newt is reminiscing about not doing Sharkula with Horseface.
27:15 – Newt is talking about his dream of making bad movies again. No, Newt. Dental assistant. That’s the answer. Or plumber. Or what about joiner? What’s a joiner? I’m not really sure. Something to do with carpentry. I think they do a lot of work with windows. But anyway, it’s a skilled trade, they’re in demand, and they make money.
So that’s the video. Let’s see what the ladyboys have to say. Newt seems to attract a lot of ladyboys.
– “Newt were you let go from Screenwave related to Cinemassacre Halloween script concerns?”
Newt literally replies to EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE. Except for this one.