Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2QuDEzptHw

The description says, “Closing out season 8 is the finale of the Jurassic Park reviews.”

What?  Didn’t this “season” just start?  

Yeah.  This is only the fourth video this year.  He had that Chip and Dales video, a different Jurassic Park video, and yet another Jurassic Park video.  I didn’t review that second Jurassic Park video because it was only noteworthy for being ridiculously short and totally pointless.

So this must be a really abbreviated “season”.  Why does he even do “seasons”.  Jimmy does this too.  Does anyone else?  It’s fucking Youtube.  There are no seasons.  There’s no summer hiatus.  There’s no contractual obligation to release 16 episodes a year.  You just release the fucking videos whenever you want, as many as you want.  

Anyway, let’s check out this homoerotic bullshit.

0:00 – Oh, there’s a brief glimpse of James Rolfe in here.  The boys on Reddit spoiled this video for me.  James Rolfe is in this video.  Plugging Rex Viper, apparently.

0:45 – Chris BORES is “irate”.  He made an “irate” face for a second.  It’s just so fake.  And the acting is so fucking horrendous.  Why bother?  Find a different format to present these videos.  The “pretend to play a video game and make stupid faces” gimmick DOESN’T WORK.  We’re not fucking retarded.  We know that this isn’t genuine.

“I’m just walking around with my thumb up my ass.”

Here we go with the gay stuff.  

You know, somebody left a comment on an old Irate Gamer article that I did that said that Chris BORES is actually married to a woman and recently had a second child.  I find it hard to believe.  I looked at his Twitter but it’s all just promoting his fucking videos.  Nothing about his personal life.  It’s the Retro Ali school of using Twitter.  Boring as fuck.

1:00 – “I guess I’m overdue for my dino ass raping.”

Uh huh.  Sounds like something a heterosexual man in his 40s, who’s married and has two children would say.

1:30 – Then…the “review” is just over.  He got absolutely nowhere in this game.  I don’t even know what the game was.  He just quit.

It was the same with the previous video, the one I didn’t review.  He didn’t even get past the first level.  What’s the point of this?  Why bother “reviewing” a game if you’re not going to put any time AT ALL into it?

“Okay, fine.  Let’s just get this over with.”

That’s an actual quote.  That’s a genuine insight into Chris BORES’ creative process.  This is fucking awful.

1:45 – Footage of Chris BORES obviously not playing the game.  He’s frantically mashing the buttons while holding the controller in front of his face.  You know…as you do.

He’s playing Jurassic Park II for the Genesis, by the way.  Or something.  He’s just flying through this shit.

 2:15 – He’s unable to get through the first level because he doesn’t know how the game works.  So he says, “You ever have one of those days where you have to play one stupid Jurassic Park game after another?”

No.  Because I don’t make shit videos on Youtube.  You don’t have to do it all in one day, BORES.  Take your time.  You’re unemployed.  You have all the time in the world to make these videos.  And this is the big AVGN crossover video.  You can’t even put some time into the video for this?  

So that’s it.  That was the “review” of the game.  He couldn’t get past the first level so he gave up.  

Why didn’t he read the instruction manual?  Why didn’t he watch a walkthrough?  No, he’s just shitting this thing out in one day.  

2:30 – So now he’s playing another game.  I don’t know what it is.  It’s for the Genesis, I think.

“After only about one minute into this game, I’m about to bail on this one too.”

It’s a genuine quote.  Why make the fucking video if you’re not going to put any time in?  He starts the game, says “This sucks”, makes an “irate” face, and moves on to the next game.  This is idiotic.  Why would he do this?

So that’s it.  That was the “review”.  He didn’t get past the first level of this one either.  

3:30 – Now it’s Jurassic Park Rampage Edition for…something.

3:45 – “Ah great.  This game just becomes another Jurassic-sized turd fed through a shit game mo–“

And then it cuts off.  He fucked up.  Didn’t he watch this before he released the video?  What was he saying?  It cut off mid-word.  

He’s been releasing one video a week.  At first, I thought that he had a bunch of videos in the can and was just releasing them once a week.  This is way too frequent but whatever.  I don’t care.  These videos are all shit anyway.

But no.  I think that he’s making these videos, one after another, week after week.  Because no time AT ALL has been put into any of these videos.

4:00 – Then he complains that none of these six games that he’s “reviewed” thus far has the Jurassic Park theme music.  He made this exact same complaint in a different video.  And yes, he “reviewed” six games in four minutes.

Maybe they have the music later in the game.  But he quit on the first level for all of these.  It’s unbeliveable.

4:15 – Now he’s going to “review” a game for the Sega CD.

5:30 – It’s a point and click adventure game and Chris BORES doesn’t know what he’s doing.  Of course.  So he quits again.  

5:45 – “All I wanted was a game where I could have fun interacting with shit.  I mean, hell, I’d even settle for having AVGN’s alter ego Rex Viper in this game.”

What?  What kind of transition is that?  Why would Rex Viper be in a Jurassic Park game?

Oh.  Like tyrannosaurus rex, I guess.  Is that funny to anyone?  It’s still completely idiotic.  The connection is tenuous at best.  

6:00 – So now we see Jjimmy in front of his beloved greenscreen.  He’s wearing his Mortal Kombat hat because he doesn’t want people to know that he’s suffering from male pattern baldness.  I think that the cat is out of the bag, Jimmy.  You can take your hat off now.  

Now Chris BORES appears in front of the greenscreen.  They filmed this separately, of course.  We’re not fucking morons.  Jimmy did this same thing in the AVGN video with Tony from Hack the Moves.  The Leaving Las Vegas “parody”.  Jimmy was terrified of covid so he filmed his part separate from Tony and then they “seamlessly” blended the footage.

I…oh god.  I have to transcribe all of this.

Jimmy: Oh, hey.  Irate Gamer.  What’s wrong?  You’re looking kind of irate.

Bores: Yeah, hey James.  Well, you’d be irate too if you had to review all of these stupid Jurassic Park games.

Jimmy: James?  Hey, hey, hey.  I’m trying to blend in with all of these dinosaurs here so please call me by my band name Rex Viper.  

(Jimmy holds up a Rex Viper poster)

Jimmy: You know.  Like t-rex.

(BORES makes a face)

Jimmy: Yeah.  You like that, don’t you?  Well, we play retro dinosaur rock.  Yeah.

Bores: Alright.  Enough with the plugs already.

Jimmy: Sorry for the shameless plug and good luck with these Jurassic Park games.  You’re going to need it.

Bores: Just wait until I’m on his show.

That’s it.  I just transcribed the entire interaction.  What in the fuck was the point of this?  It had nothing to do with the video.  It was just an ad for Rex Viper.  And not even a good ad.  Nobody unfamiliar with Rex Viper learned anything about Rex Viper from this thing.  What is anyone supposed to take away from this?  

And Jimmy is trying to blend in with the dinosaurs by…calling himself Rex Viper?  It doesn’t make sense.  The dinosaurs don’t understand English.  Doesn’t Jimmy know this?

6:45 – “With the exception of Jurassic Park 2 on the Game Boy, these Jurassic Park games suck.”

He didn’t even “review” Jurassic Park 2 for the Game Boy.  What is this?  Maybe it was in the previous video.  The one that was four minutes long.

7:00 – So now he’s “reviewing” a Jurassic Park arcade game.  There are only 36 seconds left so this won’t be much of a review.  And he’s in front of his cheap, shitty, half-arcade machines that they sell at Walmart or wherever.

Why is he talking like Elmer Fudd now.  Just listen to this.  Did I suddenly lose my mind or is this really happening?

“Here’s a dino-blasting experience I was wooking for.”

7:15 – Then BORES is suddenly in front of a greenscreen again and running from a dinosaur.

Why?  Why any of this?  He “reviewed” this game for fifteen seconds.  

That’s the video.  This is maybe a new low.  This might be the worst game review video I’ve ever seen.  And I’m including the entire Erin Plays videography in this.  

Let’s check out the comments.  Maybe BORES wasn’t able to completely scrub them yet.

– “Nothing makes a person more irate than having to listen to Rex Viper”

– “James doesn’t have enough advertisements in his videos HE now has to advertise in other people’s videos? I hope he paid you at least.”

It is peculiar.  What did BORES get out of that?  

On the other hand, why would Jimmy pay for this?  As an advertisement, it was totally ineffective.  If you didn’t already know what Rex Viper is, this ad wasn’t going to help you.  It’s some sort of a band?  I guess?  Now what?  Where can we hear some songs?  

Don’t know.  There was no link.  He didn’t mention his upcoming live performance at Too Many Games or whatever.  He just held up a sign that said “Rex Viper” on it.  What the fuck is this?  

This also didn’t solve the age old question of is Rex Viper Jimmy’s alter ego or is it the name of the band?  Or as a third option, is Rex Viper the forgotten roadie of the band?  What exactly is Rex Viper?  I actually follow this shit and I don’t know what Rex Viper is.  How can somebody who’s just learning about Rex Viper from this video going to have any idea what it is?

– “I thought it was REX VIPER RIIIIGGGGSSSS!!!!! Not just plain old Rex Viper”

Yeah, who knows?  For somebody who’s obsessed with lore, James didn’t figure this one out AT ALL.  James is Rex Viper.  The band is Rex Viper.  The roadie is Rex Viper.  

Are the other (totally disposable) people in the band Rex Viper too?  They’re all just Rex Viper?  Whatever musicians happen to show up for this nerd convention, they’re all named Rex Viper.  

– “I am glad that you have something new out, but I have to be honest with this one. This feels rushed.”

This guy is a master of the understatement.

– “Chris, have you ever actually head Rex Viper play ? I’m genuinely curious.”

– “lol at 2:41 using a snes controller on a genesis game, better video editing next time.”

– “I have enjoyed this season Chris. Looking forward to season 9.”

This guy is on another planet.  There were FOUR videos in “season 8”.  Four, insanely rushed videos.

Oh my god.  The retards on Reddit are actually debating whether or not James was in the same room as BORES.

Anyway, this video was shockingly bad.