How did Florida Man save Christmas ? (part 2 of 3) – Newt Wallen

Let’s try to get through this.  I left off at 5:00 with Newt revealing that there are other comic books called Florida Man.  Multiple ones.  And in spite of this, he’s still going to use the name Florida Man.

Here’s part 1, by the way:

5:30 – “The bulk of the action takes place at the North Pole Dancers, which is a Santa Claus-themed strip joint owned by a gentleman named Futard.”

This is so terrible.  I came into this comic book idea with rock bottom expectations.  The more I learn about this, it’s even WORSE than I thought it would be.

6:00 – He stole some mascot costume from some website.  He gives the website.  Newt, is there even a single ORIGINAL idea in this thing?

6:15 – He also stole stuff from Escape from New York.

7:30 – “I came up with this hilarious thing and the more I talked to people about it, the more excited they got about it.”

These people do not have his interests at heart.  It’s not good to humour somebody when we’re talking about them spending their life’s savings on reprehensible garbage that has absolutely no chance of success.  

I can not imagine any scenario where Newt’s independent comic, which “borrows” HEAVILY from other people’s ideas, is going to make Newt ANY money.  Newt is not going to make a million dollars from this.  He’s not going to make $10,000 from this.  He literally is not going to make $0.01 from this.  This is going to be a massive net loss.

There’s more to life than money.  Maybe he just wants to create something magical for the world to enjoy to scratch his creative itch.

This isn’t it.  There is no artistic merit to anything that Newt has ever made.  All of his ideas are exactly the same.  “Tits and gore” is not art.  It’s trash.  

So this is a total waste of time and money.  These people who are encouraging him are not good people.  I’m not even friends with Newt and I’m telling him that he should stop this shit right now.  This is what his actual friends should be telling him.  

7:45 – He puts this project on par with another shitty project of his: Planet Frankenstein.  Another zero effort, “tits and gore” project of some description where he just rips off other people’s ideas.  

8:00 – “I remember we were filming something at the Liberty Lake Day Camp, where we filmed a lot of our stuff, which is kind of near to the hotel that I used to run.  Afterwards, my former production partner and I went out to eat and I’m explaining to her the story and she’s like, ‘I don’t fucking know what you’re talking about.  That doesn’t make sense.  Why are you wasting your time?'”

Is he talking about Horseface?  I assume he is.  It’s the only woman ever in his stories.  So Crystal Quin was telling him that his ideas are stupid and he shouldn’t bother.  Well, maybe she’s not all bad then.  I mean, this is what you have to do.  When somebody tells you that they’re going to do something incredibly stupid, it’s your job as a friend to say, “Hey, don’t do that stupid thing.”

8:30 – “Then I said, ‘Go look at the Florida Man book(?).  Go look at it.’  

Oh yeah.  It’s Horseface.  He starts talking about how much of a part of his life Horseface was and how she was his “muse”.  It’s so creepy when he says that.  I don’t know why he doesn’t get it.

8:45 – “Everything I wrote was for her to get these things made.”

This is the problem.  Everything is “tits and gore” because he’s always horny, thinking about Horseface, when he’s writing this stuff.  Go jerk off and THEN write.  Then maybe your mind will be clear enough, at least for a few minutes, maybe up to an hour, to be able to write something halfway decent.  

“She told me that it was brilliant.”

Fuck.  There goes my budding newfound respect for Horseface.

“I have the text message still where she told me that it was brilliant and I hold on to that.”

Oh fuck is this creepy.  Let me remind everyone that we’re talking about Crystal Quin.  Horseface McGee.  That horrible, horrible woman from Talking About Tapes who only ever talks about hot actresses who she wants to have sex with.  

“Even though, you know, we don’t talk to each other any more.”

And he’s about to start crying.  WE KNOW you don’t talk to her any more.  You mention this in every fucking video.  GET THE FUCK OVER IT!

I just…HORSEFACE!  This is the most baffling and pathetic thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

9:00 – “Because it’s one of the few times that I got, ‘You’re really good and smart’ from…you know.  I’m really insecure and I have really low self-esteem and whenever somebody reads something of mine and tells me it’s good, it makes me feel good because I’m so used to being rejected by people for my scripts.”

As you should be.  When every fucking script is the same, “tits and gore”, and it’s all ripping off other people’s ideas, OF COURSE people are going to say, “This is terrible.”  These ideas are objectively bad.  Why can’t he write anything different?  Why does he have 1000 different script ideas and they’re all “tits and gore”?  Try a different genre?  Maybe it would help the creative process.  

Has ANYBODY written a good “tits and gore” script?  It’s not a genre that lends itself to award-winning work.  There’s no Oscar category for “Best Tits and Gore Film”.  

I don’t understand any of this.  This is not normal behaviour.  If you want to make a movie, fine.  Thousands of people have done it before.  Maybe millions.  They’re making films about all kinds of things.  They keep it simple because they have a low budget.  They focus on the fucking script.  Not camera angles.  Not how many boobies will be in the movie.  The script.  What would be a good, interesting story to tell?  

No, Newt just keeps making the same fucking “tits and gore” bullshit that NOBODY WANTS.  And instead of listening to these people who say, “Hey, this sucks dick.  Why don’t you try something else?” he keeps doing the same fucking thing.  

If he’s unable to write something else, something that’s actually fucking interesting, then do something else with your life.  What’s the big deal?  

I had things that I wanted to do.  And I tried and I failed.  I didn’t keep fucking pursuing this shit.  I didn’t keep wasting time and money on it.  I found something else.  This is normal.  Everybody has these experiences.  

There are women who I liked and then they stopped talking to me.  I was sad about it but I didn’t obsess about it for months and years later.  I just fucking moved on.  Went out with other women.

Maybe your new job or interest or whatever will be better than this failed job or interest.  Maybe you’ll like it more.  Maybe you’ll be better at it.  Maybe it will be more fulfilling.  

Maybe you’ll find a girlfriend who’s better than this woman who stopped talking to you.  Maybe you’ll find somebody who isn’t a total bitch.  Maybe you’ll find somebody who doesn’t look like a horse.

He doesn’t seem to get any of this.  

9:30 – “So a bunch of people read it and I was offered to do it as a video game.”

What?  Florida Man: The Video Game?  Who made that offer?  Who could have possibly made such an offer?  The idea hardly lends itself to video games.  I can’t even think of any “tits and gore” video games.  And Florida Man is hardly a marketable character.  It’s boring.  It’s a big fat guy with a beard named “Florida Man”.  And the name is already used by MULTIPLE other intellectual properties.

“And I was offered to do it like an adult Choose Your Own Adventure thing like with your Alexa.”

I don’t even really know what Alexa is but a Choose Your Own Tits and Gore Adventure book…like those erotic fiction hentai games.  I guess that I can see that working.  Maybe that’s the kind of video game that he was talking about.  One of those boring hentai games where you can choose to have sex with the blue haired maid or the woman with the cat ears.

9:45 – “I said, ‘No, I want to do this as a movie.’  So we went out in 2019 to the American Film Market, myself, this production partner (Horseface), and a producer.  We got in the room and we had some meetings.  Every single person I spoke to about it told me. ‘That’s the dumbest fucking thing I ever heard, maybe on the East Coast people care about that shit, nobody cares about that shit here.'”

Even those people were charitable.  NOBODY cares about these shit “tits and gore” stories of yours.  Nobody wants to fucking watch this trash.  A story about a homeless man and daemons and strippers?  No.  It’s stupid.  This is not a movie.  This is nothing.  These are the ramblings of a lunatic.  

It’s the same fucking shit that James Rolfe does but with added tits.  Just take a bunch of wacky ideas and throw them into the movie.  The more wacky ideas the better.  

Look at how well it worked for James Rolfe.  That fucking disaster of a movie.  Angry Video Game: The Movie.  Here are the zombies and here’s a guy in a tiny tank and here’s a giant monster and here are some boobies.  

No.  Where’s the fucking story?  That’s what we want.  A bunch of zany, unconnected bullshit is not a movie.  It’s just trash.  

James was in special education for seven and a half years so I get why he does this.  How many years of special education did Newt have?   Why can he not get this?  

10:15 – “Justin Daniels is the inspiration for Florida Man.  I have three muses: I have that production partner (HORSEFACE), I have Justin Daniels, and I have Mr Lobo.”

Oh.  Justin Daniels is that weird bearded guy who sometimes appears on PegWarmers with his weird wife.  Somebody should get in touch with him and tell him to have a talk with Newt to stop this fucking bullshit.  There needs to be an intervention of some sort.  Newt…this is never going to work, your scripts are all painfully bad, concentrate on something else.”

11:30 – “So I went to go work for the last company that I worked for (SCREENWAVE MEDIA) and I kind of put it out of my mind for a while.”

Well, we can thank Screenwave for that at least.

“So I put that on the back burner while I was working for other people, making other people’s dreams come true.”

How so?  Plagiarising movie reviews?  Telling youth hockey stories with Tony from Hack the Movies?  What the fuck was this guy doing that was so amazing?  “Oh, I’m going to make James’ dreams come true by pressing control C and control V.”  No.  Even lazy ass Jimmy Rolfe could have done that.  He didn’t need you to do it.  

“And picking up the slack for people who make a lot more money than me who should have been writing.”

I agree with that.  But even if Newt was doing a competent job on these reviews and not just copying and pasting, it’s hardly making Jimmy’s dreams come true.  Does Jimmy dream of doing bad Youtube videos?  

I suppose that Newt and Screenwave generally are keeping Jimmy propped up.  They’re continuing to churn out “content” for Jimmy and thereby keep the money rolling in for Jimmy.  But the videos are all bad and this is not going to last forever.  This is not Jimmy reaching his dreams.  This is Jimmy fending off working at Wawa for another year.  

I mean, I wouldn’t want to help some lazy autistic retard like that either.  Fuck Jimmy.  Go work at Wawa.  But I wouldn’t describe this work as helping Jimmy reach his dreams.

11:45 – “There was talk about doing it over there but it had to be cleaned up and changed but I wanted it to be that dirty, with nudity and gore and foul language and sleazy fun.”

We know.  You’ve pitched this same idea to possibly thousands of people, thousands of times, and they’ve all told you that it’s bad.  Why are you not getting this?  YOU like tits and gore but NOBODY else does.

12:30 – “So after the last company fired me and everybody was like, ‘You’re not a real writer.  You p—pl—steal from people and shit like that'”

Plagiarise, Newt.  What you did was plagiarism.  Just say it.  That’s what it was.  

But forget the plagiarism.  His ACTUAL work, stuff that isn’t control C, control V, is AWFUL.  It’s all “tits and gore”.  And again, he steals wholesale from other people’s work.  Even in this non-Monster Madness shit.  He openly says it.  Everything he does, he says, “It’s like this other thing.”  But with tits and gore.

“That’s what people are going to think of me from now on: that nothing I ever do is original.”

Exactly right.  Those people are right.  Listen to those people, Newt.  They’re telling you the truth.  Just like all of those big shot Hollywood producers who told you that your scripts are shit.  This is reality.  

“Yeah, in the past, for Midnight Show posters, I’ve had the artist copy famous movie posters.”

Let’s not even get into homages or parodies.  You don’t have a single original idea and you can’t write.  That’s the reality.

It’s not even a harsh reality.  Big deal.  Do something else.  

You also presumably can’t draw, or else you would have drawn the comic.  Does that bother you?  No.  People have different talents for different things.  Drawing is not a talent of yours, writing is not a talent.  DO SOMETHING ELSE.

Oh my god.  I’m at 13:30 and Newt seems to be going into a new, weird chapter.  So I’ll end it here.  This will have to be in three parts.  

Part 3:

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