MORBIUS Review – Newt Wallen

This video was originally entitled, “MORBIUS Sucks”.  He changed it.  He seems to do this a lot.  Something he learned at Screenwave, perhaps.  

0:15 – Ooh.  We get to see the PVC bondage girl.  No bondage gear today but she has her dog collar on and a tight black tank top.  If you squint, I think that you can see her pierced nipples in this thing.  And she’s wearing a lot of eye makeup.

I don’t care what anyone says, I like the PVC Bondage Girl.  She’ll never replace the chubby Asian woman from Screenwave, but PVC Bondage Girl is definitely number two on my Hot Babes of the Gamer Grrls Blog list.  And there are only two people on the list.

I’ve been thinking a lot about moving back to the US lately.  I could make a lot of money.  Even if I only moved there for a couple of years and then moved back to the UK, it would be good because I’d have fucking stacks of cash saved up which I could then use to buy a house.  Get a house in a nice little town somewhere in the UK.  Then get a job in an office or something just to pay the bills and keep myself occupied.  Ride it out into retirement.

Or maybe I’d actually like living in the US.  Or at least like making good money.  So I’d stay there.

Maybe I should look for work in the greater Pennsylvania area.  It doesn’t have to be directly in rural Pennsylvania.  Even as far north as New York City would be feasible.  Then I could let PVC Bondage Girl know that I’m interested in maybe getting a coffee or something.  And love would bloom from there.  

So anyway, PVC Bondage Girl broke her glasses and she glued them together but the glue doesn’t seem to be holding.  The glasses broke at the bridge.  She should probably just get new glasses.  If PVC Bondage Girl was my girlfriend, I’d buy her new glasses.  But she’s trying to save money, she’s working at the cinema, probably doesn’t get paid much, so you have to try to make due.

I’m at five minutes.  They’re talking about the movie.  It’s about a vampire or something.  Who cares?

Then they start talking about the beer that they’ve been drinking.  

The camerawoman, Mimi, is being loud and annoying.  Maybe don’t make videos when everyone is intoxicated.

12:30 – Mimi tells a story about a friend of hers posting a “tasteful” picture of herself shoving a tentacle up her vagina.  At least I think that that’s the story.  I listened to this twice and…I’m not sure what this was.  Newt just moves on like this was a normal story.  Oh sure.  Tentacles up the pussy.  We’ve all done that.

15:30 – PVC Bondage Girl says that she was born in 1997.  Well, maybe she likes older guys.

What was I doing when I was 25?  I was living on “The East Coast” and working in a mental health facility.  

But I was independent, I was living on my own, I knew how to dress for work.  PVC Bondage Girl could use some guidance.  Maybe I could be like a life coach for her.

17:30 – Newt advertises a convention that he and the employees at the theatre are going to be at.  I guess.  I’m not really following much of anything in this video.  They’re drunk and I’m tuning out a lot.

Oh, he’s going to be selling the comic there.  First issue of Florida Man Saves Christmas.  I can’t make it to the fucking convention, Newt.  Put this shit on Etsy on something.

20:30 – We’re back to a shot of PVC Bondage Girl who says, “I desperately need to wash my hair.”

22:15 – “I told you both the script I’m writing for (somebody) for Debbie Does Demons about a sex daemon.”

PVC Bondage Girl gets excited by this.

It’s all the same fucking ideas from Newt.  And they’re all shit.  “Tits and gore” is not a fucking movie, you idiot.  None of this is going to be successful.

Also, earlier he was talking about the comic and PVC Bondage Girl said that the preview pages that he sent looked “sexy”.  It’s all the same fucking bullshit.  Every fucking time.  Write something GOOD for a change.  He can’t do it.  He doesn’t have any ideas and he can’t write.

Then he makes a veiled reference to Horseface about how she doesn’t want to be involved in this shit Midnight Show thing that he’s doing.  How many fucking times does he have to talk about Horseface?  There’s fucking PVC Bondage Girl right there.

And it’s so fucking awkward how these women encourage Newt when he talks about his “achievements”.  I’m talking about “achievements” like getting 5000 subscribers on Youtube and his shitty fucking movies that nobody is ever going to watch.  It’s painful.  This is their boss.  I guess.  It’s not appropriate what he’s doing.  He shouldn’t put people in this position.  

Also, there’s literally going to be a Schlock and Awe convention.  I guess.  Of some sort.  Newt and his employees are going to be there.  Come see Newt Wallen and PVC Bondage Girl and Mimi!  Who?  Come on.  What’s the possible audience for that?  

As big a fan of PVC Bondage Girl as I am, I wouldn’t go to this convention even if I lived in the same town that this shit was taking place in.  He gave the venue before.  Let me look this up.  It was Showboat Hotel formerly known as Showboat Casino.  They got rid of the casino, apparently, which is odd.

It’s in Atlantic City.

22:45 – The comics that don’t sell at the convention will be sold online.  So…all of them.

23:00 – “I wrote one thing that I think is good enough to be mainstream.  If this thing could become my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or The Tick, and I don’t need to run a movie theatre any more, and I could just like, you know –”  And Mimi finishes with, “Get out.” 

I’m so sick of this fucking bullshit.  First of all, he’s delusional.  Here’s the difference between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Florida Man: TMNT had writers.  TMNT had stories.  Florida Man has “tits and gore.”  

And he’s constantly running down working in a cinema IN FRONT OF HIS EMPLOYEES.  Go fuck yourself.  If you think you’re too good for this, do something else.  Why make other people feel bad?  

It’s not like it’s a choice of working in a cinema or being the world’s greatest comic book writer.  There are LOADS of other jobs out there.  There are loads of other things that you can do with your life.  Not this fucking absurd pipe dream that Florida Man is going to be the next Action Comics.

These people are living a shitty existence in a shitty town and they don’t like it.  This is the existence of almost everybody.  And almost everybody stays in this rut.  

PVC Bondage Girl is going to have a kid with some guy she barely knows, he’s going to disappear, and this is going to be her life.  She’s going to do shitty jobs in this town for the rest of her life.  

Newt is going to go from shitty job to shitty job, belittling “his” employees, and regaling everyone he meets about a red-haired woman who he once knew.  That’s his life.  

I was in the same position.  Shitty job.  Shitty town that I grew up in.  It made me really anxious.  I said that I have to get out of here.  So that’s what I did.  

It can be done.  What’s the problem?  Newt has done it.  He lived in different places.  He lived in Arizona, he went to some college thing in Canada.  Why can’t he do it again?  Why does he insist on this ridiculous “tits and gore” comic/movie get rich quick scheme?  He’s not going to make a penny off of any of this.  Do something that has a reasonable chance of success.

When I was in my mid 20s, I had to move back in to my childhood home.  I was there for a year?  Something like this.  It was really depressing.  But I got a job, I saved up $2000, and I left.  I moved to London.  

I was homeless for a while, I eventually found a shitty job, then I did some other shitty jobs, then I learned a trade, and I’ve been doing this job for over ten years.  I make a fair amount of money. 

This is what happens when you decide to shake things up in your life.  Opportunities present themselves.  It was fortuitous that I found this particular job, I didn’t say, “Hey, I’m going to look for a high paying job today”, but it wouldn’t have happened had I stayed in my shitty hometown, done those shitty jobs, and worked on some shitty comic.  

You see this all the time.  People go to China or wherever to teach English and then after a few years, they get a proper job or start a business or whatever.  Opportunities arise.  Maybe they get married.  Have children.  Whatever.

Even if nothing happens, even if you’re still doing these shitty jobs in China or wherever, years later, at least you’re in fucking China.  It’s interesting.  I’d rather do shitty jobs in China than shitty jobs in rural Pennsylvania.  

No.  Newt is going to stay there and work on Shark Vampire.  That’s his ticket out of his rut.  Shark Vampire is going to become the next big thing, Newt is going to become a millionaire out of this, and he’s going to tell the guy who owns the cinema, everyone at Screenwave, Horseface McGee, and that guy who runs that weird pink blog to go fuck themselves.  You never believed in me.  But look at me now.  I’m sitting on top of the Shark Vampire empire.  And he’s going to have bitches.  And they’re going to erect a statue of him right there in the middle of rural Pennsylvania.

And Mimi and PVC Bondage Girl’s bright idea for getting out of their rut is to be one of Newt’s bitches for when he’s big and famous from Shark Vampire.

None of this is going to work.  Come on.  It’s preposterous.  

Anyway, that’s the video.  Comments are all kissing Newt’s ass.  It’s just not healthy.  I’m all for positivity but not delusion.  I have Newt’s best interests at heart.  This fucking “tits and gore” shit is not going to work.  How many people get rich from making an independent comic book?  Even a GOOD one.  Newt’s ISN’T good.  And these terrible movies.  Come on.  Don’t encourage this.  It’s not right.  You’re just setting him up for failure.

7 thoughts on “MORBIUS Review – Newt Wallen

  1. How much you bet Tubbo and Horseface review this same movie within a week just because Newt did? lolI know they've seen it too. They have pics of them going to see it together on Twitter. I know Tubbo is dying to do it.

  2. Well, Tony and Newt and all of those Screenwave folk seem to share identical shitty movie preferences so it wouldn't be surprising. It's all fucking superhero and horror shit. None of them have progressed past adolescence. And yeah, I saw that picture after you mentioned it. Jesus Christ. Horseface looks awful. I'll give Horseface the benefit of the doubt and say that it was because of the lighting but I'm surprised that she agreed for that picture to be put up, if she agreed to it.

  3. born in 1997 places her 10 years as erinplays' junior. maybe she's also big into nostalgia?! now that would be convenient; our retro-gaming empress' reign is in jeorpady

  4. If you think thats bad go to the HTM Phantom Menace and go to around 43 min when she makes a cameo.Prepare to die cringing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *