X (2022) Review – Newt Wallen


0:00 – Newt describes this movie as a “porno slasher movie.”  Oh.  So “tits and gore” in other words.  This is all he watches.  He’s deranged.

“I couldn’t get this at my theatre.  It didn’t fit the family aesthetic that we have.”

Oh sure.  “Your” theatre where the employees dress like prostitutes.  Very family-friendly.  “Let’s go to that place where the woman selling the tickets is dressed entirely in PVC bondage gear.  Bring the kids.”

0:15 – “Nobody wanted to come with me so I went and saw it by myself.”

Everybody, please take a moment to feel sorry for Newt Wallen.

Newt is really annoying so I’m just trying to tune him out.  He has cleaning products near his sink.  I’m trying to figure out what they are.  I think that one of them is an aerosol room deodoriser.  That’s weird, right?  A man has…I don’t even know what these things are called.  That shit that you spray in a room and then the room smells like a pine forest or whatever for a few seconds.  “Air freshener”?  Is that it?  What man uses these things?  Maybe that’s not even what this is.

4:15 – “I had to haul ass to get home and it was a photo finish because I had to piss.”

Again we’re talking about Newt’s bladder issues.  I’m sympathetic but I don’t need to hear about it.  If it’s a serious problem, get incontinence pads.  I don’t say this as a joke.  If you have a medical problem then this is what you have to do.  But we don’t need to hear about it.

We all have medical problems but you don’t have to discuss them.  

Newt is still talking about how much he likes tits and gore.  So I’m looking at his refrigerator and he has magnets that have clips on them.  I’ve never seen these kind of things before.  I think that he has Shark Vampire or Florida Man concept art clipped on to it.

8:00 – Shout out to his “sleeping meds”.  We all feel sorry for Newt.  He lost his job.  MONTHS ago.  Over something that HE did.  And it wasn’t even a good job.  Who gives a shit?

Newt, you plagiarised at least one movie review VERBATIM and tried to pass it off as your own work.  You couldn’t even write your own MOVIE REVIEWS, something that you enjoy doing.  

It would be like me going to the Irate Gamer Sucks blog, stealing his articles, and saying, “Hey, this was a pretty good one, wasn’t it?  I’m really proud of this one.”  I’d be a laughing stock in the blogging community.  I’d probably lose my job writing the blog.  And it would all be 100% justified.

But I wouldn’t cry about it for months.  I’d just get over it.  I fucked up.  Fine.  I’m going to try something else now.  If people eventually forgive me, that’s great.  If they don’t, that’s okay too.  

And it was just such unbelievably lazy, blatant plagiarism.  If you’re going to plagiarise, put the effort in.  Change some fucking words around.  No.  Newt literally just copied and pasted this shit.  I think that that’s the most outrageous thing about this whole situation.  He took the lazy man’s way out (plagiarising) and did it in the most lazy fashion possible (word for word copying).

11:45 – Newt is waxing idiotic about “independent films” that he was involved in and nudity.  Some of the local prostitutes wanted their pimps/boyfriends to be on set while they were nude and Newt can’t understand this.  “It’s your character who is doing these things, not you.”

What a fucking weird creep.  Get a girlfriend.

12:30 – “I love half-dressed girls and girls covered in blood.”

We know.  You say this in every fucking video.  Talk to your psychiatrist about this.

12:45 – “Just watch this channel.  Everything I do is like that.”

He’s talking about how he always talks about “tits and gore”.  Well, he’s self-aware at least.

By the way, I haven’t written about Tony from Hack the Movies in a while.  It’s because every fucking movie he does nowadays (and possibly always) is some fucking shit horror movie.  I don’t give a shit.  Try a different genre, you fucking dullard.

Newt is still describing in great detail all of the gory scenes and the tits in this movie.  It’s BORING.  You’re BORING me, Newt.  These movies are BORING.  They’re made for teenagers.  No healthy adult watches this shit.  Watch something life-affirming.  Watch something that might expand your mind.  

It’s like those cretins who read books on serial killers.  They get a warped perception of humanity.  

21:15 – “I have a porn/horror movie script too called Nude Beach Blood Bath about a female porn producer/director who wants to make her bones (pun) in a male-dominated industry.  So she goes out of her way like the director in King Kong to finding this island where they can film this really beautifully-shot, artistic, porno movie.  It turns out to be an island in the Bermuda Triangle that was lost that has Nazi zombies created by Atlantean technology.”

It sounds like complete shit, Newt.  But if he ever does this, he wants Crystal Quin to be the lead porno slut.  She’ll be nude in every scene.  And it will all be filmed on glorious greenscreen.  And he’ll steal James Rolfe’s book on Atlantis, from which he’ll plagiarise half of the script.  

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