Newt Wallen is Filming a Florida Man Saves Christmas Movie

I guess.  There’s a video.  It’s in the Youtube “shorts” format where it looks like it was filmed on a phone.  Also, don’t adjust your sound.  There is none.  

It’s just this local prostitute in front of a green screen.  This is Newt’s idea of film making.  “Tits and gore” and we can add “greenscreen” to this.  So “tits, gore, and greenscreen.”

James Rolfe subscribes to the same film making school of thought.  When the fuck are these people going to figure that NOBODY LIKES THE GREENSCREEN.  It’s fucking shit.  It makes for uncomfortable viewing because you know it’s fake.  It never looks good.  It always look like a greenscreen.  

If you don’t have the budget to create sets or go on location, scale down your ideas.  Focus on creating a good script.  If the script is bad, as it always is with these buffoons, nobody is going to give a shit about the exotic greenscreen locales.  

Newt also tweeted about this.

Newt and the prostitute are joined by the titular Florida Man, who is played by that weird guy with the long grey beard who sometimes appears on Pegwarmers with his weird wife.  I think that Newt used to be the “director” of Pegwarmers before he got fired so maybe they met from that.  

None of these people are actors.  Let’s just briefly go over who these people are.

The prostitute’s Twitter is here:

It’s just a heavily-tattooed local woman.  She’s on OnlyFans and something called “Centerfold”.  She has very few followers on Twitter for a prostitute.  She describes herself as an actress and a model but she’s neither of these things.

This weird bearded guy doesn’t have a personal Twitter but his toy store page can be found here:

It’s just him trying to sell toys to other weirdos.  He has nearly as many subscribers as this prostitute.

Naturally, he is also not an actor.  And he’s the fucking star of the film.

Newt…hire fucking actors.  Don’t just hire your friends and local prostitutes.  

This is how he met Horseface.  He’s always trying to recreate the Horseface experience.  He’s obsessed with Horseface.  He would pay her to hang out with him.  Fucking Crystal Quin.  It boggles the mind.

Even if he got actual actors, this would be a giant piece of shit because the script is undoubtedly bad.  Every fucking movie idea that he comes up with is just “tits and gore”.  That’s the entire plot of every movie idea that he’s ever conceived.  And he’ll openly say this.  This is what he thinks a good movie is.

So the first step is to get a good script.  He’s always going to fail at that.  But then you really need to get actual actors.  Pay them.  It’s worth the extra money to get somebody who knows what the fuck they’re doing.  You don’t have to get fucking Meryl Streep but there are plenty of local actors who do theatre and short films and whatnot who would be happy to do it, if properly compensated.  And it wouldn’t cost a fortune.

I used to work with a woman who was an “actor”.  She had a small part in a single episode of a tv show years ago and she very occasionally would manage to land small roles in a local theatre production.  She was quite possibly the most annoying person I’ve ever known.

Every fucking day she would come in and yell, “I’M AN ACTOR!  I’M A FUCKING ACTOR!”  She used a lot of profanity.  She would explain her profanity as, “ACTORS USE A LOT OF PROFANITY!”.  

Everything she did was explained away as her being an actor.  “I LIKE PRINGLES BECAUSE ACTORS LIKE PRINGLES!”  Everything was yelled too.  She couldn’t speak at a normal volume.

The environment that we worked in was quiet because we were doing work.  But she’d always come in and scream her greeting, “I’M AN ACTOR!”

She was like 30 and she would hang out with some 18-20 year old women who she could impress with her bullshit.  She had numerous complaints against her for her loud and obnoxious behaviour.  But one of the owners of the company considered herself to be an “actor” too, because she did some local theatre years ago, so she didn’t do anything about it.  The owner liked this obnoxious woman.

I couldn’t fucking deal with it.  I told the owner that I either have to be put in a different building as this woman or I’m going to quit the job.  There were a couple of different venues that we could work in.  So for the most part, the owner managed to keep us separated but whenever she was unable to do that, I’d complain loudly and vociferously.  We were all “self-employed”, giant air quotes, so I’d say, “If you can’t keep us separated, just don’t give me work for that day.”  Then the owner would give me attitude, “I can count one on hand the number of times I’ve had to put you two in the same place.”  One time is too many.  I told you that I’m going to quit the job if I have to listen to that fucking moron and her “I’M AN ACTOR” bullshit.

I ended up quitting because there was an 18 year old girl there, who was the daughter of one of the long-time employees there, who would get work five days a week, while normal adults, between the ages of 30 and 55, who have bills to pay, would get no days a week.  I’m not talking about myself (although I wasn’t getting five days a week either) but there were plenty of other people there, who weren’t living with their parents, and needed the work.  But it was all going to this 18 year old girl because she was the daughter of a long-time employee.  

So I just said, fuck it.  I’m done with this shit.  Within a year, the company was out of business.  

Let’s see what that “actor” is doing now.

Oh, she was on an episode of some British soap opera recently.  Good for her.  Her last acting job was five years ago for a small, uncredited role in some little-known movie.  She’s paying the bills with this?  Maybe her Snow White and Seven Dwarves Christmas pantomime roles pay really well.  And she sure as fuck isn’t playing Snow White in these productions.  Maybe she’s one of the dwarves, I don’t know.  Anyway, she’s like 40 years old now.  And fat.  Good luck with it,

Back to Florida Man Saves Christmas, Newt was releasing a comic book about this.  It’s supposed to be coming out in April.  I thought that he was making the comic as a substitute for the movie because it’s cheaper to make comic books than movies.  But…now it seems that he’s doing both.  This is stupid.  He doesn’t know what he’s doing.  He’s flooding the market with Florida Man media but the market doesn’t want ANY Florida Man media.

Now we’re expected to buy the Florida Man movie AND the comic.  How much Florida Man material does Newt think that people want?  We’ll try one, Newt.  Maybe.  Just out of curiosity.  But we don’t want all of this shit.  Cancel your orders for Florida Man toys, video games, and t-shirts.  It’s not going to fucking sell.

6 thoughts on “Newt Wallen is Filming a Florida Man Saves Christmas Movie

  1. The levels at which every screenwave person is connected to every other screenwave person or guest reaches almost metaphorical incest at this point.Like of course that guy (who is actually even dumber to listen to than his wife, which is pretty crazy since she's no prize) plays that part. I remember just like you probably do a number of awkward episodes of that where Newt was behind the camera or near it and shouted out stories nobody asked for without being mic'd up. He's just such a disaster and never changes. No wonder they canned his ass on top of the known reason. Imagine how obnoxious and sidetracking that would be to deal with.

  2. Yeah, I wrote about Newt interrupting with his inaudible stories here: think that that was Newt's last episode. I later chalked it up to him being anxious or whatever about his impeding termination. If he's done this before, I haven't seen it, but I'm not an avid Pegwarmers viewer.Anyway, I found it pleasant that this weird bearded guy didn't abandon Newt after Newt got fired from Screenwave. And that bearded guy still appears on Pegwarmers so apparently it's not like a company policy at Screenwave that you have to cut ties with Newt. This is just a decision that the individual scumbags at Screenwave made.

  3. i'd take a typical tits and gore plot device over solid waste anytime. the latter is just too autistic and childish to bear

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