Big Wheels – Pegwarmers

Hey guys!  Remember Big Wheels?

I do remember Big Wheels.  I didn’t have one, though.  That was ghetto as shit.  An all-plastic tricycle?  Even the wheels are plastic?  How are you going to get any traction out of that?  You couldn’t.  A saw a neighbour boy use these.  The wheel would just spin as he peddled and he’d be stationary.  He had to have a running start before it would move.

I had a much better tricycle type thing.  It had a long frame, maybe twice as long as a Big Wheel and, crucially, the front wheel was made of rubber.  Also, you didn’t pedal, it had a system where you pressed up and down with your feet.  I don’t know what it’s called.  There were pedals but instead of pedalling in a circle, you just moved the pedals up and down, alternating.  

You could really get some speed on that thing.  Especially if somebody was pushing from behind.  And then you’d brake, which locked the front tyre, and you’d spin because the back tyres were plastic.

It was pretty cool but I don’t know what it was.  I think that it came from Europe.  Somebody stole it when I was a kid so I can’t look it up.  They broke into our garage and took it.  That was the only thing they took.  Who would steal a children’s tricycle?  And it was way after I stopped using it because I was probably like 12 when it happened so it couldn’t have been a jealous child.  I hadn’t used that thing in years.  

But yeah, Big Wheels were shit.  Same with Power Wheels, those motorised little cars.  They were just loud and slow and only the most spoiled children got them.  I didn’t even want one.  This tiny, loud piece of shit that goes slower than my walking pace?  No thanks.

0:00 – Oh, it’s this weird old man with his weird younger wife.  I’ve never managed to watch one of these before.  It’s just too uncomfortable.

2:00 – This guy makes a Madonna reference.  Come on.  I know that he’s from a different era but just don’t make popular culture references if all of your references are this out of date.

10:45 – He makes a Battle of Aleppo reference.  Hey guys!  Remember the Battle of Aleppo?

No.  What?  Does he mean the one from 1918 or the one from 2012-2016?  With this guy, you can’t be sure.

11:15 – “It’s not one of us 30ish, 40ish year old guys wanting to buy toys.”

This guy with the long grey beard said that.  Who does he think he’s kidding?  

He’s also really rude to his wife.  Constantly talking over her and making snide comments.  Is it even his wife?  I’m just guessing.

51:00 – This guy says that by 1983, he was eight years old.  So…wow, that’s terrifying.  He’s 48.  Well, I suppose that’s about right, actually.  

Anyway, the video is…whatever.  They had a clip of some really socially awkward woman talking about her Big Wheel.  And now they’re just looking at pictures of Big Wheels and knock off Big Wheels.  Licensed shit.  

These are all shit.  I’d be embarrassed as fuck riding around on a licensed Big Wheel.  I’d be embarrassed riding a Big Wheel in general but especially if it was one with a giant plastic Smurf head on it or something.  Who would want these?  But these people are going on about how awesome they are.  

I don’t think it’s just me either.  I had my European three-wheeled vehicle because I was a sophisticated kid but even the fucking rubes in the neighbourhood didn’t have licensed Big Wheels.  

I remember a kid wanted a Green Machine and he showed pictures of it and everything.  This was kind of like Big Wheel but clearly a step up.  It was by Huffy.  No branding, no fucking cartoon characters on it, and it looks cool.  It had levers to steer as opposed to a handlebar.  They still sell them, apparently.

That kid never got one but he got a regular Big Wheel.  It was black or some muted colour.  No licensed bullshit.  He was happy with that.

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