Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5JPObFEk8g

Wait…why is the audio so bad?  Was it always like this?  No.  I mean, it wasn’t particularly good in last week’s video but this is noticeably bad.

0:00 – “Unlike last week, I won’t be crying for you this week.”

He misses Horseface.  I get it.  It’s like talking about a childhood pet who died.

It’s just Newt talking about this shitty movie from 1971.  So how can I pad this out?  I’ll let him drone on while I write.   

Well, first of all let me acknowledge that I’ve been writing a lot of articles about guys lately.  It’s contrary to the theme of the blog.  But the ladies aren’t uploading.  For months, in many cases.  Erin is uploading Castlevania streams but I’m not watching that shit.

6:45 – He went to film…something…with Crystal Quin.  I don’t know.  

Also, every time he talks about Screenwave, he says, “That other place” or something.  Like he’s legally prohibited from saying “Screenwave”.  What the fuck?  Just say “Screenwave”.  What’s going to happen?

Newt is still talking.  I’m at 10 minutes.

You know what’s missing from this video?  Cereal boxes.  What cereal is he eating this week?  Frosted Flakes?  Lucky Charms?  Kaboom?  

I used to eat Fruit & Fibre for the first years of living in the UK.  I liked it.  Maybe it was the novelty of the spelling of “fiber”.  I enjoyed the British spelling.  There was a branded version from Kellog’s or something but I actually preferred the store brand Fruit & Fibre from Tesco.  You got more of it, it was cheaper, and it tasted better.

Oh, you know what it was like: Raisin Bran.  But it had more than just raisin and bran flakes.  It had slices of almond and I think dried cranberries and dried banana chips.  It was great.  But if you ate too much of this stuff, you’d take massive, massive shits.  It was like a horse was playing a practical joke in your toilet.  

So anyway, Newt finished the video.  

Let’s peruse the comments.  

– “Your presence on “that other show” is sorely missed. It’s just not the same. I’m very happy you are regularly uploading here!”

Newt replies, “Eh I have more than enough people tell me regularly how their shows so much better without me so I just keep to myself over here an do this stuff for anyone who cares. Cant compete with studio an network backing an couple editors”

How weird is it to refer to Screenwave like they’re some Hollywood movie studio?  “I can’t compete with these guys.  They have a big table and microphones.”

But yeah, Talking About Tapes/Hack the Movies is definitely worse since Newt left, and not just because Horseface McGee and Johanna became a bigger part of the show after he left.  Although, that too.  

Newt was fine on the show, as long as he wasn’t paired with Horseface.  When he was with Horseface, he was just a horny loser who kept talking about how hot she is but when she wasn’t there, he would actually talk about the movie.

These female co-hosts simply don’t have anything to say.  Johanna says, “yeah” and sometimes makes an awkward comment and Crystal only talks about hot actresses in the film who she wants to have sex with.  And this is all of the actresses in every film.  I don’t give a shit about that.  Nobody does.

Very rarely, they’ll have Justin or Kieran on and that’s…better than these women but Newt did a better job than either of them.  

He also has random co-hosts who I don’t know and I’ve not seen anyone who was any good.

Newt was equal to Tony but the co-hosts now are all subservient to Tony and don’t add anything.  “Hee hee.  Good joke, Tony.  You’re so right.”  This is lame.  

– “I normally prefer to watch movies by myself because I hate being interrupted. That said I would love to have someone with your knowledge whose brain I could pick while having a schlock marathon.”

This is actually a good pick up line.  I’ll have to try it some time.

So what does Newt say?  Something self-deprecating, of course.  

“You would get tired of me. They always do ha”

Please feel sorry for me.  My name is Newt.  And I lost my job at Screenwave Media.  Because I plagiarised multiple scripts.  But forget about that.  Don’t blame Crystal Quin over this.  I love that horsefaced woman.  I miss my scumbag friends.

Aw Newt.  We love you.  Your kitchen movie reviews are fabulous.  Here’s a picture of me, a man, wearing a dress.

– “I’ll have to give this a view for sure, oh and I think on an episode of HTM you were on, I think the the red head actress chick said she had your Dracula ring. Lol I think. Anyway thanks for the review, I’ll definitely check it out. Keep it up man!”

Newt replies, “yea she does not talk to me anymore so guess i need to find a new one. maybe etsy has more”

Please feel sorry for me, guys.  Horseface McGee doesn’t talk to me any more.  I miss feeding her oats.  She’d eat them right from my hand.  She was so timid at first but once you gained her trust, she was a true friend.  Until I got fired for plagiarising multiple scripts for that company I can’t name.  

Let’s check out his Twitter.

https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1486379054253101059

“#4yearsago original #sketch of #satansslumberparty #MoviePoster art. Written and rewritten this #80s #bmovie script a buncha times. But production finally starts this Spring #demons #sexy #indiehorror #mutantfam”

Can you cram a few more hashtags in there?  I’m almost able to understand what you’re writing.

What is he even talking about?  Is this a “movie” that he’s planning to film?  What a fucking disaster.  

You can DuckDuckGo this shit but there are already many, many other projects with the name “Satan’s Slumber Party”.  This guy can not come up with an original idea.  

 Here’s my idea for a movie: Big Tits Demon Birthday.  It’s about a a demon with big tits and all the sexy mischief that she gets up to on her birthday.  There’s going to be boobs and gore.  

I’ve just outlined an entire movie using the Newt Wallen method of filmmaking.  Just give me three days to write the script and we can start filming.  I have a budget of $5,000.  We’re going to need strippers and some small time local director of totally unknown Z-movies.  Oh, and a horseface woman.

https://twitter.com/stillnewtwallen/status/1486362461301354509

“From 4 years ago. The 1st sketch for #INFESTOIDS a very #80s #charlesband inspired #scifi #sexy #horror short #comicbook story. Back in Oct I changed the story up drastically and adapted into a screenplay”

It’s the same fucking shit.  Sexy horror movie premise that nobody gives a shit about.  This is not a fucking movie.  Or a comic book.  Tits and gore are ELEMENTS of a movie, not the movie itself.  There has to be a fucking story.  Write something, Newt.  Write a fucking movie script.  Something with character development.  Something that makes sense.  Something with a modicum or originality.

Fucking Shark Vampire.  Fuck off.

What’s the REASON why women are exposing their breasts and getting decapitated?  There has to be a compelling story.  It’s fundamental.  But that’s the part that’s missing from all of his horrendous movie and comic book ideas.  The story.