Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xW514yaYM

Is Erin doing something different with her thumbnails?  Because this is the second video in a row where I have to comment on how bad the thumbnail is.  She has a horribly-Photoshopped sea captain’s hat on.  Either get a real hat or don’t do this.  Because this looks like shit.  And I think that that’s the idea, she’s making a bad thumbnail “ironically” but only because she can’t make a good thumbnail.

So this is going to be 17 minutes of Erin playing Jaws for the first and last time ever.  Great.  What will be “cute”?  The shark, maybe?  The sting rays, I bet.  I’ll say the crabs too.

And what about colours?  Logos?  Fonts?  I bet that all of this will be covered.  Oh, and backgrounds.

Oh, and she’s doing this LJN game to tie in with “the Nerd” and his 200th episode spectacular.  By the way, I’m not doing a review on part 2 of episode 200.  I watched it, it was boring, and I don’t want to watch it again.  

0:15 – “Enough people have talked about the movie so we’re just going to talk about the game.”

What the fuck?  Enough people have talked about the game as well.  What does that even have to do with anything?  This is her whole fucking thing.  She talks about games from 30 years ago that have already been reviewed and discussed to death.  But she brings her “unique” perspective to it, as somebody who’s not remotely interested in or knowledgeable about video games.

The reason that she’s not going to talk about the movie is because she never fucking saw it before.  Why not just be honest with the viewer for a change?  

“So when I think of Jaws, I automatically think of that scene in Back to the Future 2.”

What?  Why don’t you think of the movie Jaws when you think of Jaws?  Because she never fucking saw it before.

I don’t care that she’s never seen it before.  I’ve never saw it before either.  The issue is the blatant dishonesty.  Just say that you’ve never it before.  What’s the big deal?

0:30 – “I remember this being a very simple NES game.”

You’ve never played it before, Erin.  Stop the fucking lies.

“It’s been a while since I’ve played this.”

Lies.  MAYBE she played it briefly, on stream, during a “variety stream”, for five minutes.  She counts this as having “played a game” before.

1:45 – “I wouldn’t say that this is a bad game.  It’s very simple and kind of repetitive.”

I place zero weight on the opinions of somebody who hasn’t even played the fucking game before.

2:00 – “It’s definitely not the worst LJN…uhhh…publications.”

She said “publications” because “the Nerd” mentioned in his recent episode 200 extravaganza that LJN was merely the publisher for some games.  But I’ve never heard somebody refer to a game as a “publication”.  Erin has no idea what she’s talking about.

2:15 – “I need more conch shells…conch…I can’t say that word.”

She pronounced it as it’s spelled.  But it’s pronounced “conck”.  The “ch” make a “k” sound.  Erin is really putting that English degree to work.  Forget about an English degree.  She’s really putting that fourth grade education to work.

2:30 – Erin gives a pro strat showing that if you’re at the top of the water, Jaws can’t get you.  Maybe Mike actually helped with this episode for once.

3:00 – Erin says that she likes the shallow water stage that she’s on because Jaws won’t be there.  Then when Jaws appears, she says, “Oh, no there he is.  I got confused” and she laughs nervously, knowing that she’s been exposed as a fraud for the billionth time.

3:15 – “Baby Jaws!”

Cute.  And she’s never seen this before.  She was surprised by it.  This is a common enemy that appears throughout the entire game.

Then she dies.  “Oh, so the top of the water trick doesn’t work on baby Jaws.”

You didn’t know this?  Why not?  You’ve played this before, right?  And I don’t just mean for five minutes, on stream, for money.  You’re a Jaws pro.  Right?  That’s what you want us to believe?

She’s really bad at the game, by the way.  In case it needs to be said.  She dies a lot.  

4:30 – “I am not a Jaws expert.  I am very sorry.”

Why didn’t you start the stream with this information?  Why present yourself as a pro when you’ve clearly never played the game before?

5:00 – “Do you think that there’s anyone who calls themselves a Jaws expert?  I hope that there is.  It’s the internet.  It’s 2021.  I’m sure there is.”

I’m not sure what the year or the internet has to do with things but there are people who enjoy old video games, yes.  Erin is totally blown away by this concept.  She can’t even comprehend it.  

People want to play THIS?  Old games?  Instead of listening to Britney Spears?  Wild stuff.

5:15 – “Do you have a captain’s hat?  I just hope the NES Jaws expert, he better be wearing a captain’s hat at all times.  That’s my fantasy.”

That explains the bad thumbnail, I guess.  She thinks that this is funny.  This is “comedy” to her.  Some of that delicious female comedy that nobody on earth enjoys.

5:30 – “Bonus scene?”

She’s never seen this before.  But she fucking said that she’s played this before.  How is it possible?  She’s played the game but has never seen this bonus scene before?  

6:00 – “Imagine the guy driving this plane…driving this plane!  Steering it, whatever.”

Piloting, Erin.  Don’t you have a degree in English?  Why is it that your vocabulary is so limited and your pronunciation so poor?  

I mean, I know that they don’t teach vocabulary and pronunciation in a college-level English class.  That’s more primary school stuff.  But how has this all passed Erin by?  Did she not go to school?  

“Oh, not steering a plane.  I mean flying a plane.”

Piloting.  

6:15 – “(Gasp) Look at that!”

She’s referring to a little cut scene that shows that she can now track Jaws with a receiver.  She’s never seen this before?  It’s the first item in the game, apparently.  I’ve never played the game before so I don’t know.  But why doesn’t Erin just fucking admit that?  Just start the video with, “I’ve never played this before.”  Why is that such a big deal?  Because when she presents herself as an expert and is then surprised by every fucking thing in the game, it doesn’t make any sense.

7:00 – “We don’t always get to choose our outcomes in life, do we?”

Erin is regretting her decision to become a fake gamer grrl and get fucked in the ass by Mike Matei for Youtube promotion, all for $10,000/year.  

But no, this could have all been avoided.  This is happening because of choices that you’ve made, Erin.  You’ve deliberately attempted to deceive people with this gamer grrl scam and you now regret it because your scheme has failed miserably.  This is all on you.  You chose to do all of this.  So you live with the consequences.

Then she ran directly into an enemy and died.  That’s the second game over for this video.

7:15 – “So a lot of time has passed.  I’ve collected a lot more shells.”

Oh, that was nice of Mike to play.  How much buttsex does he get for this?  Have you written out a formal contract or what?  For every minute of him helping you with your video, he gets 20 seconds of buttsex?  Something like that?  I think that a 1:1 ratio would be unfair.  Like one minute of helping with the video equals one minute of buttsex.  But 20 seconds sounds about right to me.

Then she almost died straight away.  That would have ruined all of Mike’s hard work.  Why doesn’t she just use an emulator and save states?  

8:30 – “I like hermit crabs.  I used to really want a hermit crab and a guinea pig.”

Oh, riveting stuff, Erin.  Another story about something that Erin DIDN’T do.  Tell us more about pets that you didn’t have, Auntie Erin.

“And I still kind of want both.”

What’s stopping you?  The fact that you’re only making $10,000/year so can’t afford to keep any pets?  That’s sensible.  Or it could be the nebulous relationship that she’s in.  It could end at any moment.  So she doesn’t want to bring a pet into this.  That’s good.

8:30 – “If you told me when I was 16 that this is what I’d be doing when I’m 34, I’d be like, ‘Ehh, probably not but I could see it.”

How do you figure?  Wouldn’t your 16 year old self be baffled that you’ve suddenly become interested in video games as a 34 year old? 

I wonder if there actually are people who didn’t start playing video games until later in life.  I mean people who were alive during the whole video game era.  They were never interested in video games as a child but then suddenly, in their late 20s, let’s say, they decide to play a game and they realise that they like it.  Is there any example of that?

I can’t imagine a scenario where that would happen.  

Well, maybe somebody wasn’t impressed with the primitive gameplay of the older games but then many years later, they see how far games have come and they get into it.  Or maybe there’s a woman who didn’t like the games that were clearly geared to boys back in the day but now she appreciates some more female-friendly game like Minecraft or something.  Maybe this is possible.  

“And I’d also say, ‘Really?  Is that what I do?'”

It would indeed be perplexing to your 16 year old self.  Not to get too dark, but her 16 year old self might legitimately contemplate suicide if she knew that she’d be in a fraudulent relationship with some guy, getting fucked in the ass for promotion, being a fake gamer, and all for $10,000/year.  That’s depressing as fuck.  No wonder Erin sleeps so much, regularly cries in the bathtub, and visits her parents ten times a year.  I have to imagine that she’s heavily medicated as well just to cope with all of this.

9:00 – “So even more time has passed and I got the submarine.”

Oh.  More buttsex for Mike.  She was AWFUL at this game during her first two runs but now that she’s playing off-stream (allegedly) she’s really doing well at the game.  

Why not just say that Mike got you through the game?  Because that’s clearly what’s happening.  

9:30 – “I like that this is what the sub looks like.”

You’ve never seen it before, Erin?

“It looks like a bullet.”

Oh.  We haven’t seen “X looks like Y” in a while.  This is her favourite “joke”.  

10:00 – “When the bombs drop, they kind of look like eyeballs at first.”

You wait ages for a bus and then two come along.

10:30 – “Oh, yeah.  And also you have another button to use now.”

She said this after an edit.  The other button throws a different projectile.  Erin didn’t know this.  Mike must have told her about it as he’s standing next to her, off-screen, watching this disaster of a video.  

Then she immediately gets hit.  We’re going to need another edit for Mike to get that submarine back.

11:00 – “Yes!  Power 6!  Now we’re getting somewhere.”

Well, mostly Mike, off-camera.  This is so fucking blatant.  We saw how Erin did in the first two runs, which were largely unedited.  She was HORRENDOUS at the game.

But then in her third run of the game, which is HEAVILY edited, she’s going to beat the fucking game.  Why not just say that Mike is helping her?  Because we all fucking know it.  Who is being fooled by this?  Not even her mentally retarded viewers are falling for this.  Right now, Games and Movies is saying, “Wait a minute…something isn’t right here.  HUGS!”

11:00 – Then she gives a pro tip that Mike obviously told her during the last off-screen session of the game.

12:00 – “I am so over this.  I just want to get to the part where you torpedo him.”

So pause the recording again and have Mike take over.  What’s the big deal?  That’s what you’re going to do anyway.

12:30 – “Oh, power 7.  Okay.”

Keep up the good work, Mike.

13:00 – Then Erin gets surprised when the action part of the game just ends.  But that’s what it does.  That’s what it’s been doing this whole time.  That’s the fucking game.  How can she be surprised by this?  She said that she’s played this before.  And she’s doing REALLY well on this third run of the game.  She’s going to beat this shit no problem.  Jaws is at really low health now.

13:15 – “Was that like a six-finned shark or was that just a glitch.”

Ummm…it was a few sharks together.  I’ve never played this game either but even I know this.  How is it possible that she doesn’t know this?  I’ve seen this sort of thing IN THIS VIDEO already.  Didn’t she see it?  

14:00 – She beat Jaws.  Erin can’t believe it.  Her mouth is agape.  That’s the same face she’s going to be making tonight when she’s fellating Mike.  Getting him all lubed up for that backdoor action that’s about to happen.

“Okay, so he has to be in the middle, really close up.  I remember that much.”

Stop the farce, Erin.  We all fucking know what’s going on.  You’ve never played this before and it’s Mike who is playing this game off-camera.  We saw how poorly you did on your own.  There is no fucking way that you suddenly became good at the game between your second and third playthrough.  

14:30 – She failed at this last part of the game so now Mike is going to help out some more.

15:00 – Then she hits him after however many hours Mike had to replay this game off-camera and she’s really shocked by this.  This wasn’t planned at all.  She beat the game.  For the first time, apparently.  Even by this totally invented story that Erin has concocted for this video.  

“We did it.”

At least she says “we”.  But really, Erin’s role in this was minimal.  So congratulations to Mike Matei for beating Jaws.  You’re a real pro gamer.

“The fucking Tail Spin plane.”

Oh, and Mike even prompted her with a line that she can use.  Hey guys!  Remember Tail Spin?  That cartoon from the early 1990s that Erin was too young to remember?  Mike remembers it.  As do I.  I’m about the same age as Mike.  And Mike really likes his 1990s Disney cartoons.  He talks about them often.

15:15 – “So I didn’t think that I was going to get it that time.  I was like, ‘I’m going to have to do this again'”

It is so fucking unbelievably obvious that Mike is playing this game.  Everything that Erin is saying is a complete and utter lie.  We can all fucking see it. Why is she saying all of this?  These are child-level lies.  Give the audience some fucking credit.  Just say that Mike helped you through the game.  It’s not a big deal.  The problem is the blatant fucking lies.

16:00 – “In that first attempt at sending the torpedo or whatever, the spear at Jaws…”

Harpoon, Erin.  It’s a harpoon.

That’s the video.  You know what would have made Erin’s ridiculous lies slightly less obvious?  If she just would have cut out the first two attempts at the game.  But she was too lazy to do that.  She recorded the footage so she’s going to use it.  She doesn’t want to have to do a second take.  

Let’s peruse the comments.

Oh, top comment is from King Horntard Joe from Gamesack.

– “This game actually had quite a bit of potential. If they just tweaked the design a bit more! Of course hindsight is 20/20 as they say.”

Do you really think that she played the game, Joe?  This is ridiculous.  Just ask Erin to move in with you.  Enough of this wooing Erin on Youtube.  Take the plunge and ask her to move in.  

Maybe you can negotiate a better contract than the one that Erin is currently on.  Maybe slightly less buttsex, for example.  Or more promotion.  I think that Joe from GameSack has a bigger audience than Mike Matei.  

Yeah, 269,000 subscribers for Joe versus 69,000 for Mike.  A lot of 69s there.  You know what I’m saying?  Could be a lot of sexual stuff going on, Joe.  You just have to ask.  You know that this is what she does so just present your case and see what happens.

Maybe Joe could mention his smaller penis as another benefit.  Or his erectile difficulties.  This is a weird thing to speculate on but you have to assume that there would be less buttsex going on at the Joe from GameSack household.  Mike seems completely obsessed with it.  

– “After watching the Nerd’s LJN History video I came here to see Erin play Jaws.”

It wasn’t a coincidence, Ninten70.  It was obviously an attempt to capitalise on the glory that is episode 200.  

– “Do you suppose the programmer of this game had played Seaquest on Atari 2600? The underwater sections bear a striking similarity.”

Good question, Mr Ben.  Do you want to field this one, Erin.  Seaquest for the Atari 2600.  Have you played it?  Compare and contrast the two games.

– “You should join Only Fans. Jaws will drop ;)”

Erin’s bulky sweatshirt must have really been making Bear McRear horny.  Bear McRear…that’s probably Mike’s nickname for Erin.

– “Tell 16-year-old Erin she’s going to grow up to be f***ing iconic!”

That was from big time horntard and Lego enthusiast NewWaveJunkie.  He thinks that he has a shot at that ass if he just keeps leaving sycophantic comments.