Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7f4_SsBn5A

He reveals this information during a disgusting ad for a testicle shaver.

23:45 – “I don’t want to get too personal but I am currently back on the market, Kieran, and I have to make sure that my balls smell pristine.”

This doesn’t even make sense.  If he’s single, why would he be so concerned about the smell of his own testicles?  I mean, basic hygiene is always good but if Tony is single now, who’s sniffing his balls?  

He’s implying that now that he’s single, it’s even MORE important that his testicles smell good.  What’s the logic to this?  Is Tony spending a lot more time jerking off and he wants his gonads to smell their best?  This is just for him?  He’s shaving his balls and putting lotion on them just for his own pleasure?  

Tony talked about his girlfriend, in a round about way, in a Castszilla vs the Podmonster video that I discuss here:

https://gamergrrlsofficial.blogspot.com/2021/04/godzilla-vs-kong-first-impressions.html

Her name was Nicki (unsure of the spelling) and she seemed like a total bitch.  She was in the audience for one of these Talking About Tapes things and she was needlessly aggressive and insulting to Johanna.

Tony also told an interesting story about playing basketball either with this woman or some other girlfriend.  I don’t know why I find it so interesting.  Just the idea of playing basketball with a girlfriend.  It seems quaint to me.

I don’t know how long they were dating but in that video, Tony suggests that it was a serious relationship.  He seemed to think that it would last a long time.  

That video was in April of this year.  I don’t even know if it’s the same woman.  Or when they started dating.  So…there’s no point in the doing any arithmetic, I guess.

But now that Tony is single, let’s think about his options.  The first person I thought of was Pam aka CannotBeEntertaining.  She lives in…Toronto?  I don’t know.  I’m pretty sure that it’s a major city in Canada, though.  Let’s assume Toronto.  How far is that?

Ooh.  Why does Google me the distance in kilometers?  They use miles in the UK.  I think.  It’s 500 miles away.  An eight hour drive.  That won’t be easy but it’s doable.  Plus, Tony says that he’s never left the US before so it’s the perfect opportunity to get some culture.  Soak up some of that Canadian culture.  Pam can soak him in other fluids too.  Not to get too gross.

But maybe Pam doesn’t want to cheat on her dog.  So who else is available?

Well, there’s what’s her name, Horseface McGee.  She’s no longer talking to Newt, apparently.  And she seems really interested in continuing these Talking About Tapes appearances.  You know what I’m saying?  A little of that sexual harassment action.  Crystal has experience with this.  She told that story about her boss who wanted to have sex with her.  Everybody wants to have sex with her.  She’s just so fucking smoking hot.  

By the way, this Spider-Man 3 video, the one that ball shaver ad appears in, I’m not watching that shit.  I had it on as background noise up until that ad but the video is two hours and twenty-six minutes.  No fucking way am I or ANYONE watching that.  The video has to be almost twice as long as the actual movie.  It’s ridiculous.

Let’s check out Crystal’s Twitter.  Maybe there are some gems.

https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1467649035356057612

Whoa!  Why did my pants suddenly get tighter?  Another super sexy picture of Crystal Quin.

https://twitter.com/CrystalQuin/status/1467205868441772042

Oh, and here she is with Johanna sucking on candy canes.  That’s sexual, right?  Maybe if your penis is the circumference of a candy cane.  Hot dogs or get the fuck out.

That’s enough of that unpleasantness.  Hey, what about Kieran?  Is Kieran single?  We never hear about him having a girlfriend.  Maybe him and Tony can be an item.

Or Justin.  Justin revealed in this episode that he used to be married.  What the hell?  I wasn’t expecting that.  To a woman, presumably.  But these are more open times.  And the Screenwave gang likes to joke about homosexuality.  Maybe it’s not really a joke.  Also, Tony says that he almost did a sex scene with Justin so…there’s that.

I don’t think that it’s that hard to get a girlfriend, though.  Just go on Tinder, drop your standards to zero, and see who replies.  

My dating experience largely involves Asian women.  Not that I’m interested in Asian women, quite the contrary, but these are the women who replied.  You can only go out with the women who are agreeable to going out with you.  

Not many lookers.  I’ll just say that.  But Tony isn’t much of a looker.  I wasn’t much of a looker.  You have to emphasise what works for you.

What I did was emphasise my height and nationality in my profile.  I’m tall and an American in the UK is something different.  Indeed, it’s perhaps the pinnacle of foreigners.  I’d even place Americans above the natives (British people in this case) in terms of general desirability.  

One might say, “Well, that explains why you met so many Asian women” but I don’t think so.  First of all, none of these relationships were successful so if they were looking to move to the US, why would they say, “I can do better than this guy”?  And secondly, I just didn’t get that vibe.  Except from one woman.  She was Chinese, but most of these women were Chinese so I’m not calling all Chinese women gold diggers.  But this woman was.  Big time.  Fortunately, I didn’t have much gold to mine.

Things that Tony can emphasise on his Tinder profile…tough to say.  Do you really want to mention that you make Youtube videos?  And then the woman would watch these videos and…let’s just say that she might not be impressed.  He’s talking about his balls and nerd shit.  

On the other hand, won’t any woman find out eventually that he makes videos?  So maybe he should be up front about it.  Or maybe he shouldn’t.  Let her get to know you a bit and then start dropping the embarrassing stuff on her.  Wait until she’s somewhat invested.

But then you also have to look at the local market.  Are the women of rural Pennsylvania sophisticated ladies?  They’re interested in “mudding” and shit.  I don’t even know what that means.  Just assume that it means “anal” and swipe right.  

So these women can’t have sky high standards.  It’s fucking Tony from Hack the Movies, he’s a minor celebrity on the internet, his anime form is on the Gamer Grrls Mount Rushmore, what more can a woman ask for?  You think that Sadie, who works at Walmart, isn’t going to go for that?  She’d be thrilled.  

Most of these Youtubers aren’t doing well with relationships, though.  Pam is getting it on with her dog.  Tony is single and has a Star Wars bed with a USB charger on it.  Mike and Erin are in a sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship.  Newt is forever chasing ZZZ-list porn stars and wondering why nothing ever comes of it.  Bobdunga moved in with some guy she barely even knows and it’s just a matter of time before the crazy allegations start flying.  Madam Fomo has been engaged to her pimp for many years now.  

So will Tony from Hack the Movies ever find his ideal partner?  It’s not a bet that I’d take.  But there’s also something to be said for being single.  So shave and perfume those testicles and just enjoy yourself on your Star Wars bed.