Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr2QhYN2wkQ

Eugh.  This is going to be death.  Let’s see what the boys on Reddit have to say first.

They didn’t much care for it.

So anyway, Screenwave is no longer putting “Cinemassacre Podcast” in the title.  They did the same thing shortly before Rental Reviews ended.  They stopped putting “Rental Reviews” in the title.  It’s a desperate attempt to trick the viewer into watching something that they don’t want to watch.  People don’t like that shit.  They don’t like being made a fool of.  Justin hasn’t figured this out yet?

You can’t force people to watch something.  People aren’t going to watch a video and say, “Oh, I was tricked into watching something that I’ve already decided is shit but this is actually pretty good.”  People have watched this podcast, decided that they don’t like it, and don’t want to watch it.

It’s no criticism of Justin or Kieran.  I place 100% of the blame on Jimmy “Mr Autism” Rolfe.  And I don’t even criticise Jimmy on a personal level.  As his nickname suggests, he has legitimate problems.  I have no doubt that Jimmy wishes that he was more personable, that he was able to have a conversation, whatever.  But he can’t.  That’s the reality.  So that’s why this podcast was doomed to fail from the start.

It’s the exact same reason why The OverAnalyzers failed.  It’s why Rental Reviews failed.  It’s even why James & Mike Mondays failed.  And that last one didn’t even require much talking from James.  But he was AGGRESSIVELY disinterested in talking AT ALL by the end of it.  

So let’s see what episodes of AVGN Jimmy Rolfe and Screenwave think are the best.  Shameless self-promotion.  This is fucking boring.  Without even starting the video, I’m already bored.

0:15 – “But first a word from our sponsors.”

That’s what this is really about.  These videos are simply made to get money from some shitty wallet company.  

I was going through airport security recently and I put my money clip in the tray.  And the security guy was looking at it for a while and he said, “What’s this?  A belt buckle?”  And I said, “No, it’s a money clip.”

I don’t think that money clips are used outside of the US.  Let me look into this because this will undoubtedly be more interesting than anything that this podcast is going to be about.

Everything seems to be from an American perspective so I suspect that I’m right that money clips aren’t used in the rest of the world.  And even in the US, it seems to be something that your grandfather would have used.  

I’ve been using a money clip since high school.  When I got a driver’s license, I largely moved to a wallet but I missed the simplicity of a money clip.  I just loaded the wallet up with trash to justify it’s existence.  Social security card, MST3K fan club card, an expired condom.  I even had a fucking draft card in there.  Who’s going to ask to see my draft card?  There hasn’t been a military draft since before I was born.  

So maybe a year after moving to the UK, I got rid of the wallet and bought a money clip.  It was some American Indian guy who made it.  Money clips are a big part of native culture, of course.  That’s where their ancestors would put their wampum.  

It’s been no problem.  Money goes in there, debit card goes in there, and you’re good to go.  You can also put a driver’s license in there but I don’t drive.  As for train tickets, I use a separate little plastic wallet that you can get at your better train stations but even that, you can put the tickets in the money clip.  

But back to Jimmy Rolfe and the Screenwave Gang.  

1:45 – Justin’s favourite is the TMNT episode.  Riveting.

4:30 – Kieran says, “I have too many, to be honest.”  Then Justin makes a subtle gesture of derision.  

This is terrible.  It’s some sycophants sucking up what’s effectively their boss.  

Kieran goes on and on about how much he loved the AVGN and especially the poop jokes.  

6:15 – Jimmy then re-creates a poop joke.  He makes a noise like he’s defecating.  And he finds this hilarious.  It’s not even relevant to what Kieran is saying at the time but Jimmy is still caught up on how Kieran found a poop joke to be funny.  

Then Kieran continues his story about he showed an AVGN clip as part of some college assignment and it was of Jimmy defecating on Bugs Bunny.  Jimmy can barely contain himself.

Kieran and Justin basically just talked about the first time that they discovered AVGN.  And that became their favourite video: the first one that they saw.

I don’t even remember what the first episode I saw was.  It’s hardly life-changing stuff.  

I do remember when I discovered AVGN.  It was actually a woman from some band’s website that I went to.  She wrote a message about it in passing on some forum.  “I’m going to go back to watching AVGN” or something.  So I checked it out.  This must have been within the first couple of years that he started doing these.

10:45 – Kieran again is talking about his favourite poop jokes in that episode and Jimmy loves every second of this.  Whenever there’s a lull in the conversation, Kieran just talks about poop some more, and Jimmy perks right back up.  It’s fucking disgusting.

11:00 –

Justin: I think that there’s a controversial take on this one but definitely one of my favourite ones is the Chronologically Confused About Movie Sequel Titles.

Jimmy: (stunned and insulted) Oh yeah.  I mean, people like that one.

Justin: (fearful for his job) I just meant in the sense of, ‘Oh, when you think of your favourite AVGN episodes, like —

Shameful.  Jimmy was offended at the suggestion that this forgettable episode was anything other than a masterpiece.

Just talk about poop, Justin.  Haven’t you figured it out by now?  Kieran certainly figured this out.

Then Kieran talks about other episodes that he likes.  This is all that this is.  They’re just talking about how amazing AVGN is.  I can’t watch this any more.  It’s boring.  Fuck off with this.

I never thought that I would miss James reading from his Atlantis book.  At the time, I thought, “Well, they can’t get any lower than this.”  I was wrong.  THIS is lower.  

I know that the idea is to get Jimmy to talk about video games.  But he can’t.  He can’t talk about anything.  

I have no feedback that I can give.  There is nothing that can save this podcast.  And I want to make it abundantly clear that the problem is 100% James Rolfe.  I don’t want another situation where somebody gets made a scapegoat and they’re fired or whatever.  The problem is James.  He’s fucking horrendous.  The only thing that he can talk about is SHIT.  LITERALLY SHIT.  POOP.

He’s never done anything in his life, he doesn’t read things, he doesn’t watch tv, he doesn’t play video games.  What the fuck can he talk about?  Plus, he’s severely autistic.  

Get rid of James Rolfe.  That’s the only way that this can work.  That’s what happened with Rental Reviews.  With Jimmy out, it became something watchable.  Not good, mind you, but…people are watching it and it’s widely accepted, even on Reddit, that Tony from Summarise the Movies is doing a much better job with this than Jimmy was.

I watched a recent episode while asleep again.  It was on the Matrix.  They brought some gay man from California in.  As soon as I heard that camp voice, I drifted off to Dreamland.  Two hours later, the show was over, and I awoke refreshed and ready to spring into action.  

That’s what Talking About Tapes is for me.  Just listening to Tony’s dulcet tones puts me right to sleep.  

And I’ve actually seen The Matrix so I was interested in watching the video but I just can’t.  Not with that camp man from California.  But as a sleep aid, it was great.

Let’s see what Newt is up to.  Feeling sorry for himself, no doubt.

Oh, he suggested going to a Golden Girls convention and everybody pitched in to try to cheer him up.  “I’ll go with you!” says the chorus of horntards and even some unattractive ladies.

JOHN RIGGS also replied.  Good for John Riggs.  Well, what’s the ulterior motive here?  Because John Riggs typically only responds to gamer grrls who he wants to have sex with.  Newt should be very careful about John Riggs’ friendship.  Riggs might just be after the buttsex.  

But maybe John Riggs is just a stand up guy who doesn’t abandon people over plagiarism allegations.  It’s fucking ridiculous.  It’s not like he killed someone.  Who hasn’t plagiarised?  People are this concerned about “academic honesty”?  I refuse to believe it.  There’s something else going on here.