https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfT0CBK9i1c
Forty minutes of John Riggs goodness. Creeping on the gamer grrls at a nerd convention near you. We’re in for a treat.
0:00 – Air Zonk for $240? Holy shit. I have that game, assuming it hasn’t been thrown out or stolen. Let me check Ebay.
Some guy is selling it for £140 just for the card. That’s like $190.
I’m seeing another one for $225 in the box. Yeah. This is what I had. It was a later game so didn’t come in like a CD jewel case, as the earlier games did. They started doing things on the cheap so it would just be in a box. I wonder if I still have the box.
I should go see if my collection still exists and if so, I should sell it. I know that Air Zonk is a rare game so the price for this game isn’t indicative of the price of the rest of my games. Still…maybe I could get $2000 for my collection? I didn’t have many games. Would it be worth the hassle of putting them on Ebay and shipping this shit out? Plus actually getting the games from the US to my home. I’d have to bring an extra suitcase just for them. And possibly ship them to myself, which would cost a lot. I don’t know. The whole logistics of it is daunting.
But yeah, I wouldn’t have any problem with selling my old games collection. There’s no sentimental value for these things. And you can play all of these games for free with an emulator. What kind of an idiot is buying old games?
0:15 – Oh, we started earlier. John Riggs is on the plane with Scott and Julia. He really seems to spend a lot of time with married women and their husbands. What kind of weird shit is going on? Who would want to watch John Riggs fuck their wife? I know that it’s some kind of humiliation thing but…John Riggs? That seems a step too far.
0:45 – There’s an Indiana Jones style map graphic showing John Riggs flying from Seattle to Milwaukee.
1:00 – John Riggs says, “We’re on the ninth floor.” Who are “we”? Is John Riggs staying with this couple who he met on the plane?
Oh. He seems to be staying with some douchebag Kris from GameDadShow, whatever that is. He has earlobe stretchers, as every well-adjusted middle aged man does. He also walks with a cane.
When you require a cane to walk, that’s probably a sign that your earlobe stretching days are over.
1:45 – Some other annoying douchebag.
2:15 – Yet another annoying douchebag. He has that long beard that screams, “I don’t need to have sex with a woman.”
3:00 – Now John Riggs is at some nerd bar and he’s really excited to see the arcade machines and the big screen showing old WWF shit.
I’m scanning for women. Not seeing any.
4:30 – It’s the next day. John Riggs is with another annoying douchebag. God, all of these guys are obese. What is the problem? You can play video games AND take care of your health.
4:45 – “First, we need food.”
Yeah. No, you don’t.
5:15 – John Riggs gets excited over seeing a “cop on a horse.” The cop is fucking obese too. What is going on?
Anyway, I don’t think that John Riggs has ever seen this before. How? Actually, now that I think of it, it is absurd. Why are there police on horseback? You see them at like riots and whatnot. I can see the use there. Maybe. The intimidation factor. But you also see them in any major city. I’ve seen them in the US and the UK. Just day to day. But why? Whatever.
6:00 – Is this a man or a woman? You don’t see them. You only hear them.
I think it’s a man. A man with a really high-pitched voice.
9:30 – Next day. John Riggs is going to a “build a breakfast” restaurant with his fat friend.
This is insane. Stop eating. Why is he so passionate about eating? Doesn’t he understand the relationship between his love of food and his enormous size?
10:00 – Horny John Riggs says that he hung out in the hotel lobby with JLuv81, who’s some fat gamer grrl who he doesn’t like. But he’ll take what he can get.
10:15 – Then we see the half-eaten stack of pancakes that John Riggs has been eating. Peanut butter, jelly, and banana pancakes. I’ve never even heard of this.
What about just going to the grocery store and getting a granola bar for your breakfast? Do you need to consume vast amounts of high-calorific food for every single meal?
10:45 – Oh, this is painful. Somebody brought their son to this thing and he has autism or something. John Riggs shouldn’t be filming this.
Oh, it was the child of some fat chick with purple hair.
God, this fucking group. This is what John Riggs wants. These are his targets. Fat single mothers with purple hair.
11:15 – There’s something called a “garcade” at this convention. John Riggs doesn’t know what it is. Then you go inside and there’s strobe lights and shit. I assume that this is the gay-themed arcade. Seriously. What else can the “g” in “Garcade” stand for? This is for gay gamers to meet like-minded fellows.
11:45 – Some black guy from Detroit brought John Riggs some snack foods. Come on. He doesn’t need any more snacks. And why did this guy do this? It’s pretty gay, right? I never bought food for another man.
And then yeah, this guy sounds gay. So I was right.
13:00 – Some guy who makes string art made some string art for John Riggs so that he can promote the string art. So that’s what happened.
14:45 – I don’t know. Some more socially awkward nerds. This is painful.
17:15 – Some other nerd. I don’t know. These people all need to re-evaluate their lives. What are they doing at this fucking nerd convention?
17:30 – Some weird wrestling.
19:15 – John Riggs is eating again. This is pathetic. It’s more deep-fried, fatty food.
19:45 – John Riggs tells a story about how he was flirting with a waitress and she wasn’t having any of it. He’s a total fucking creep.
20:15 – So John Riggs got a beef and cheese sandwich on a pretzel bun. It’s just a mountain of meat and cheese between two pretzels. And some chips.
One of his fat fuck friends got a “mac and cheese pizza”. I never heard of that, but you can imagine what it is. It’s disgusting. And his other two fat fuck friends got “Philly cheesesteak pizzas”. Again, I never heard of it but it’s disgusting. And these are pretty big pizzas.
21:00 – I think that John Riggs is filming his own panel now. But just from like a selfie angle. This is bad.
One of the nerds on the panel points out that the audience is EATING. They’re eating while watching this panel. What the fuck is this? Why are these people always eating? Why are they all grossly obese? Why don’t they seem to have any interest in women? Or men, for that matter? Gay men don’t tend to like fat nerds either.
21:30 – Some other giant nerd. I don’t like making fun of people because of their weight or obvious nerdish looks but…this is just pathetic. It’s the dregs of society who go to these things.
22:30 – Now John Riggs is modelling a peanut butter alcoholic drink. Or something.
24:00 – John Riggs paid $40 for a loose Bonk’s Adventure. God…maybe my collection is worth more than I thought. I need to see if those games still exist.
$25 for Pac-Land. I have that one too. But mine are all in mint in case, with manual. I’m sitting on a fortune, assuming I still have them.
25:00 – Some heavily-tattooed douchebag.
26:30 – “Sometimes people come up to me and say, ‘I have three words for you’. And I say, ‘Are they “How are you feeling”‘? I don’t know.”
Yeah. Three words. He’s talking to some other nerd, by the way.
27:30 – Some Asian guy is wearing a mask. That reminds me. John Riggs hasn’t worn a mask at all during this, has he? He said something before about how he was going to wear a mask at these conventions. I don’t know why he would say that but he did. But here he is…no mask. You don’t care about coronavirus, John Riggs? You might catch a cold.
28:00 – John Riggs films a “VIG” party from the outside. He wasn’t invited. What does “VIG” stand for? Just insert the obvious gay joke here. This is the build-your-own-gay-joke portion of the article.
Oh. He said, “Very Important Gamers”. Well, that’s stupid. I thought that it meant “Very Important Guests” and my joke answer was “Very Important Gays”.
31:00 – John Riggs is playing a video game one-handed. I was going to say something more here but just insert your own masturbation joke here. I don’t care any more.
31:45 – John Riggs is eating again. Well, this time he’s having a giant milk shake. Probably 1500 calories in this thing. And they’re trying each other’s milkshakes. This is gross.
32:45 – There’s a booth…or something…not sure what word to use for this, where a man will give you a massage. So that’s what John Riggs’ friend is doing.
Tell me that this isn’t gay. I mean…I don’t just want to make lazy gay jokes all day. And I’m not saying that having a massage by a man is inherently gay. If you’re getting massages because there’s some genuine therapeutic reason for them, then fine. It doesn’t matter if the masseuse is a man or a woman.
But who the fuck has medical reasons to get a massage? Fucking weirdos do this. Weirdos who just want somebody to touch them so they pay somebody to do it. But they’re not “brave” enough to go all out for a prostitute. By the way, it’s common for prostitutes to start with a massage.
And this guy is doing it fully clothed. Come on. If you’re going to be some freak getting a massage in a busy nerd convention, for everyone to see, getting rubbed down by some man, at least do it right. Take your shirt off at a bare minimum, you fat fucking queer.
33:00 – Oh my god. How embarrassing is this? That wasn’t even John Riggs’ friend that he was talking to. He thought it was, but it wasn’t.
33:45 – Some black guy says, “Yo, yo, yo. That’s cool”. He has to be saying this ironically.
34:00 – Now John Riggs is talking to some old guys who were somehow involved with Mortal Kombat. I don’t know if they were the voice actors for the game or they were in the motion capture suits or they were in the movie or what.
36:30 – Oh, they explain this Air Zonk thing. They never came in CD cases like this. This guy just took a CD case from a different game and put a homemade label on it.
38:00 – Now John Riggs is eating ice cream.
Then the video ends with purchasing a case of beer at the airport’s many duty free shops.
So that was John Riggs hanging out with complete nerds, embarrassing himself, creeping on the ladies, and eating. Lots and lots of eating. You don’t maintain that frame without lots of eating.