The Rocketeer (NES & SNES) – Angry Video Game Nerd – Cinemassacre

0:00 – “If you like hearing me talk, talk, talk all of the time, check out the Cinemassacre Podcast every Tuesday.”

Umm…I don’t like that and you don’t do that.  Also, I just realised how poorly named this podcast is.  How many seconds did it take to come up with “Cinemassacre Podcast”?

“People normally know me as the AVGN but today I’m the AVPN”

So…he’s The Angry Virtual Private Network?  Well, okay.  Doesn’t make much sense but it’s not for me to name the man.  So let’s go with it.

1:30 – Adult doll face for The Angry Virtual Private Network.  How embarrassing to have to do this.  “Make a face like you’re about to suck on a big juicy penis.  That’s it.  Hot stuff.  You’re doing great.”

“You ever have to take a shit so bad, you twisted your ankle?”

No.  This is the first thing that was said.  I came in here with an open mind.  I never assume that the videos are going to be bad.  Any video.  But my mind is now closed.  This is going to be another complete piece of shit.  

Kieran…simply saying “poop” is not funny.  Build up to it.  Make it the setup to an actual joke.  Don’t just say “poop” and then random words.  That’s not funny.  You must know this.

“I suppose I should explain that.  It’s when you’re holding it in for so long, the shit’s pressing against your sacrum and to counteract it, you push your hips out, turn your leg in this awkward position, and it feels like you’re getting fisted in the ass, instead you’re getting fisted out the ass, and it’s a fist full of shit but there’s no fist.”

Oh.  I see.  No, that’s never happened to me, Angry Virtual Private Network.  Is this a setup for the problem with his foot?  If it’s not, you can be sure that the boys on Reddit will jump on this.  Get ready for a dozen homoerotic “memes” about this.

1:45 – Then he just hammers a game…and I don’t know why.  He’s already played the game?  That’s not how this normally works, is it?  Something is wrong about this.

2:00 – “Oh, damn.  The REview already began and I already broke the game.”

Yeah.  Well, let’s just end the video here.  The Rocketeer for the NES.  It’s not very good.  That’s fine.  I’m happy with that.  We don’t need another 16 minutes of poop non-jokes.

2:15 – Then he talks about his shirt with all the buttons on it.  And he’s defensive about it.  There are a lot of buttons.  It looks stupid.  Like he’s in the navy.  

Then he says, “Some say I should go back to the old shirt.  Okay” and in the next scene, it’s him wearing a dirty shirt.

No…Angry Virtual Private Network…you misunderstood.  People with autism often have these issues with language.  You don’t have to wear literally the same shirt.  Just wear a similar shirt.  A shirt that doesn’t have 20 buttons on it.  They’re out there.  There are loads of plain, short-sleeved, white shirts.  You can go to Walmart or whatever and get them 2 for $10 or whatever.  They’re not expensive.

Then he says that he’s wearing the same underwear and he gets his old glasses too.  He’s really annoyed by these Reddit comments.  

3:15 – Then a poorly-animated leprechaun appears.  No reason.  No setup.  There’s just suddenly a leprechaun.

“It’s that magic leprechaun who always puts my games back together.”

Oh.  I get it.  

I don’t want to comment on every “joke” but this is just really bad.  I can do the same thing with just about any sitcom.  “This joke is bad, this joke is bad, this joke is bad.”  So maybe my standards are just too high.  Nevertheless, this is not funny.

4:00 – Howard Hughes reference.  The irony.  Both Howard Hughes and The Angry Virtual Private Network were hermits who were petrified of disease and collected jars of their own urine.

6:15 – There are “doors” in the background that Kieran claims are open and then The Angry Virtual Private Network says, “What’s supposed to be on the other side?  A bathroom?  A closet?  People banging in an alley?”

Why would it be that last one?  Just an insight into Kieran’s fetishes, I guess.

7:30 – The Angry Virtual Private Network is doing some more of that delightful fake anger that we all love.  He’s a real thespian.

10:30 – The Angry Virtual Private Network goes on a weird rant about how the NES library is full of bad games and that the NES “sucked”.  You expect he’s going to go somewhere with this but…no.  Then he moves on the SNES version of this game.

He plays the first level, it seems okay to me, and then he does some more bad emoting and screams “What were they thinking?”

Also, I think that once you get past this first level, the game is quite different.  Yeah.  I looked it up.  The game is divided into different minigames, sort of.  It doesn’t look good but these kind of games are never good.

12:00 – “You’re forced to go in an endless circle like a dog chasing a turd stuck to its anus.”

Oh.  More poop “jokes”.  That’s funny.  Good stuff, Kieran.  

13:45 – A picture of a demon from Doom on the toilet.

Yeah.  This is really amusing.  

16:45 – The Angry Virtual Private Network straps these two games to a couple of bottles of beer and this…somehow turns it into a rocket?  Okay, Kieran.  

Then it’s just green screen trash.

Then he ends with a reference to his shirt.  He made numerous references to his shirt throughout this episode.  This is the only thing that he was genuinely angry about.  

So…this was poor.  Kieran did another lousy job.  

But I don’t know.  I’m not an easy guy to amuse.  

I had a teacher in middle school who would tell jokes on a regular basis.  And one day he said, “I often come in and tell a joke and everyone laughs but (GamerGrrls) never does.”

He was right.  Everyone did laugh, but I didn’t.  He wasn’t funny.  And I lacked the socialisation to know that you’re supposed to pretend to laugh even if something isn’t funny.  

I went to a comedy show a couple of years ago.  There were like 150 people.  It was stadium seating.  Just one comedian.  He was semi-famous, I guess.  

So he’s telling his jokes, it’s the usual stuff about intercourse and relationships and whatnot, and people are laughing.  There were some fat single women behind me who were really guffawing.  I think that they were intentionally being over the top because they wanted to get this guy’s attention.  

But I was just sitting there stone-faced and not understanding why people are laughing.  This shit isn’t funny.  I’ve seen this crowd interaction a million times.  “Oh, this is your girlfriend?  You’re really punching above your weight there, fella!”.  That’s hacky as fuck.

Then the guy made extended eye contact with me.  He’s telling these shit jokes, I’m not laughing, and he’s looking right at me.  So I started pretending to laugh at his jokes and then he stopped staring at me.  I didn’t want him to call me out like that teacher did.

So maybe I’m not a good critic on what is and what isn’t good comedy.  Maybe I’m too harsh.  Maybe my standards are too high.  Maybe there are people out there laughing at that dog chasing his anus joke.  

But what’s the solution?  I can’t say, “Well, if you’re really simple minded, you might find this episode to be pretty good.”  I can only say what I like.  And I didn’t like this episode of The Angry Virtual Private Network.  Not one bit.  

Let’s see what the boys on Reddit have to say.  “No time”, I bet.  Hehe.  “No time.”  That’s funny, right?  I better pretend to laugh at that if I want to fit in.

Somebody mentions that they thought that the bit where The Angry Virtual Private Network tossed The Rocketeer across the pit was funny.  That’s true.  That was the one kind of funny thing in the video.

A lot of people are saying that the episode was good.  One guy says it’s the best this year.  Others say that it’s mediocre.  Others say that it’s kind of boring.  

I don’t know.  For a Screenwave episode…4/10, I guess.  I mean, there was nothing good about it and it was pretty boring but…it wasn’t too objectionable.  Should that be the test, though?  As long as something isn’t too objectionable, it’s a 4/10?  

Most of the people on Reddit seemed to have liked it.  So…whatever.  It takes all kinds.

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