Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjXNGjLWE3o

I’m late on this so let’s see what the boys on Reddit have to say first.

“No watch.  I refuse.”

Oh.  I get it.  Like that thing that James said that one time.  This is the top comment.  And numerous people reply along the lines of, “I didn’t watch it either” and they also get many upvotes.  

Hey, friends of Dorothy, if you don’t want to watch it, don’t watch it.  But don’t clutter up the thread with these shit replies.  And this dog shit gets voted to the top.  These people are morons.

I’m not doing “reviews” of shit that I don’t watch.  I’m not writing an article saying, “Here’s Pelvic Gamer’s latest piece of shit.  I didn’t watch it.  Enjoy the rest of your day.”  That’s a waste of people’s time.  Hehe.  “No time”.  Get it?  Like that thing that James says.

It’s the same fucking three “memes” over and over and over again by these camp gentlemen.  And homoerotic pictures of Justin’s face on some gay porn star’s body and the like.  Or pictures of somebody’s penis.  Then when you say, “Umm…this is a little gay, isn’t it?” you get downvoted, attacked, and/or banned.  WHAT CAN BE MORE GAY THAN PHOTOSHOPPING A MAN’S FACE ON A GAY PORN STAR’S BODY?  OR POSTING PICTURES OF AN ERECT PENIS?

Anyway, let’s just assume that those boys didn’t much care for the video.  I don’t want to read any more “meme” replies.

0:45 – They changed the intro.  Previously, they said that this was a mix of Rental Reviews, James & Mike Monday (sic), and an AVGN panel.  Now it’s just a mix of Rental Reviews and an AVGN panel.  They removed James & Mike Monday (sic).

Do you suppose they got rid of that because the guy said “Monday” as opposed to “Mondays”?  Why didn’t they catch when the guy recorded these?  Or if it’s his mistake, why didn’t they have him record a corrected version?  Or forget about apportioning blame, why didn’t they just pay him to do it again, properly this time?  

Or maybe they removed the reference to James & Mike Mondays because Mike complained.  I can see why he would complain.  They’re using his name to promote the show and they’re presumably not paying him and he’s not even with the company any more. 

1:00 – James does an awkward introduction, “This is the in-person podcast with Cinemassacre.”  Then he nods.  Looks uncomfortable.  Justin or Kieran laughs nervously.  Then Jusin and Kieran give awkward introductions.  “I’m Justin” and “I’m Kieran”.  

This is so bad.  James really has to go.  I mean…let’s just move on.  Maybe it gets better.  Maybe James miraculously learns how to have a conversation like a normal person.

1:30 – So we’re starting with Whatcha Doing.  

See, here’s why this doesn’t make any sense.  They did “Whatcha Doing” and all of these “segments” the last episode.  But they recorded this episode immediately after the first episode.  This was all done on the same day.  So…in the first episode, we got to hear about what everybody was doing over the past year and a half.  Now they’re going to talk about what they’ve been doing since 15 minutes ago when they recorded the previous episode?  So James is going to talk about how he urinated?

Wait…what?  Then it immediately becomes “Whatcha Watching”.  And what James has been watching is Monster Madness movies…fuck.

He only talks about that for a few seconds and then he moves on to stuff that he watches “for leisure.”  Nothing interesting.  It’s horror shit.  I’m an adult.

Kieran is watching some sketch comedy shit.

7:00 – Then Justin just talks about alcohol.  So we’re on to “Whatcha Drinking”, I guess.  What happened to Whatcha Watching?  Justin wasn’t watching anything, I guess.

And…I mean…is alcohol talk interesting to anyone?  I know that people make videos on Youtube where they review different beers and the like but it’s always the same.  “It tastes malty”.  “It tastes hoppy”.  “It tastes grainy”.  I don’t know what any of this means and I don’t care.  Even good beer tastes like shit.  I don’t understand these alcoholics who can appreciate the taste.  

So Justin went to some “barcade” and they had River Horse on tap.  What am I supposed to do with this information?  This is a beer only available in select taverns in the New Jersey area.  I’m supposed to go to New Jersey for this?

And how is this beer any different from the thousands of beers brewed across the world?  I notice no difference.  I’ve drank a fair number of beers, different beers, American beers, British beers, German beers, whatever.  They’re all the same.  I’ve never found one and said, “Wow.  This is really delicious.  I’m going to have to remember this one.”  They all taste about the same.  Terrible.

Kieran prefers IPAs.  You know what they taste like?  Shit.  

James prefers Hofbrauhaus.  It tastes like shit.

Jimmy went to Oktoberfest with his wife years ago and tried to correct the German pronunciation of the big-titted waitress.  You know what every beer at Oktoberfest tastes like?  Shit.  

Nobody would drink this stuff if there wasn’t alcohol in it.  That should be the test.  If you just want to get drunk, drink whatever.  Drink the stuff with the highest alcohol content.  This isn’t challenging stuff.

Why pretend that any of this tastes good?  

9:00 – Justin explains that IPAs were made to last long journeys to India and Jimmy doesn’t understand what Justin is talking about.  Jimmy doesn’t understand that Justin is talking about shipping stuff by boat from the UK to India way back in the day.  So Jimmy says, “To ship stuff now, it’s nothing.”

Yeah.  We know, Jimmy.  We know about aviation.  We also know about faster ships.  But we’re talking about those olde tyme clipper ships that had all of the sails and whatnot.  Maybe they had steamships at some point during this era.  But it took a long time.  Months.  

Kieran says that IPAs have a “pine” essence and Justin calls him out for using these alcohol sampling terms but Justin himself used these terms.  Justin talked about how they’re “hoppy”.  What does any of this mean?  Nobody knows.  It’s all just different terms for “shit”.

Kieran talks about Stone Cold Steve Austin for like the 10th time in this episode.  What’s the point?  We get it.  You like wrestling from when you were…8 years old?  Something?  But do you have to bring The Rattlesnake up into every discussion?  James has no idea who this is.

11:00 – We’re on to the “Main Topic” which is Worst Gaming Nightmares.  Ugh.  Well, let’s hear them out.

Jimmy was playing Final Fantasy III as a kid and the game glitched and his save file was lost.  Well, okay.  Have you played any games in the past 30 years?  

What?  And he was so pissed off at this that he ran out of his house, went into the woods, and was hitting trees with a tree branch and screaming.  Yeah.  And then people will say, “He was only in special education because he had ADHD.”  Ummm…no.  People don’t go to special education for that now or in “the 90s”.  James has real problems.

16:00 – James is bamboozled by memory cards.  I can’t even get into this.  He says something like, “Insert memory card?  Games need memory cards now?  When did that all happen?”

Playstation, Jimmy.  The first Playstation.  1994.  It’s not challenging stuff.  You keep the memory card in there.

It’s just unbelievable.  I was not into consoles at all.  At any stage.  But I had a Playstation, Playstation 2, Dreamcast, and a Gamecube.  I know how the memory cards work.  How is it possible that all of this has passed Jimmy by?  Because he stopped playing games in 1993.  Final Fantasy III for the SNES was the last game that he played.

I’m a bit older than Jimmy and I have very little experience with console video games.  How is it possible that James Rolfe is more out of touch with video games than I am?  We’re talking about the ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD.  He doesn’t know shit about video games.

19:00 – Now there’s going to be a 15 minute discussion about Jimmy’s confusion about Adobe…something…some editing software and their auto save feature.  Yeah.  We’re all about editing software.  That’s what everybody cares about.  This niche bullshit.

I’m reminded of that recent video that Jimmy did with Mike where they played Contra.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpMt0YFSEgc

At some point, early in the video, Jimmy says that he doesn’t think that some game works.  They’re using an EverDrive and scrolling through the games.  Jimmy says that he tried one particular game on his EverDrive and it doesn’t work.

So Mike says that it’s probably just a corrupted rom (he doesn’t use this term, he keeps it simple for Jimmy) and that he’ll help Jimmy out.  He’ll re-do the roms for Jimmy.

This is such a ridiculously easy thing to resolve and fix.  But Jimmy is way out of his element.  Video games.  Of course there’s not a game that doesn’t work.  This is the fucking SNES.  There’s 100% compatibility with emulators or whatever you consider an EverDrive to be and this has been the case for at least 20 years.  

But yeah, sometimes you get a bad rom.  I don’t know why.  It happens rarely.  So you download another one.  This isn’t hard.  But Jimmy needs somebody to do this for him.  Because he has absolutely no experience with video game emulation.

It’s like I’m talking about Erin.

Wow.  This is one boring as fuck conversation.  They’re talking about old editing software for Macs.  What’s the audience for this?  Ten people?  Five?

I can’t believe that this is still going on.  Speaking of editing, this whole “segment” should have been edited out.  This is fucking awful.

No.  I can’t do this.  Come on.  Talking about holding down the shift key and editing stuff from green screen?  What?  I have NO IDEA what they’re talking about.  I don’t use editing software.  Don’t they realise that very few people use editing software?  This is brutal.  I’m skipping to the next time stamp.  Fortunately, they time stamp shit.

32:15 – Next segment is “Something Else”.  What happened to “Whatcha Whatever”?  And holy shit.  They titled this “Something Else”.  There’s actually a graphic that says “Something Else”.  How many seconds did it take to come up with this segment title?

It’s about Snoop Dogg and Jaleel “Urkel” White starting a marijuana business.  What do I care about out of touch old Jimmy’s opinions on this?  Well, I suppose that Snoop Dogg and Jaleel White are two people who were most popular in “the 90s”.  

Also, Jimmy does cite Family Matters as one of his favourite shows.  This is another indication that he belonged in special education.  This was a children’s show.  A horrendous children’s show.  I didn’t laugh fucking once.  I can’t imagine ANYONE laughing at this shit.  

Let me find a “best of” Family Matters compilation to refresh my memory.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zmoGcVndP8

Urkel as Stefan.  Urkel as a nun.  Time traveling Urkel.  

You know, Stefan wasn’t even a cool guy.  He’s still fucking awkward-looking Jaleel White.  How did people fall for this?

2:15 – Ummm…Urkel is going to rape a chained up Laura Windslow.  I’m not even joking.  That’s what’s clearly being implied.

Oh yeah.  Myra.  The girl who liked Urkel.  I forgot about her.  She was hot.  She died years ago.

3:15 – Urkel is dancing with a passed out Myra.  Umm…I didn’t remember the show being so dark.  But it’s definitely not funny.  I mean, he’s dancing with an incapacitated woman.  This is some Cosby shit.

Urkel doing a Honey, I Shrunk the Kids rip off.

Urkel in the shower…he catches Laura naked.  

Urkel as Stefan again.  And he still has a nasally voice.  Come on.  Why would Laura suddenly be into him?  Just because he doesn’t have glasses?

Urkel breaking stuff.  Yeah, this is enough.  It wasn’t funny.  

So back to the video. 

32:30 – Jimmy says that Family Matters was his favourite show as a kid.  Yeah.  Holy shit.  And then he says that to this day, it’s his favourite sitcom.  He compares Urkel to “the Nerd”.  I don’t even want to think about this.  Let’s just move on.

34:30 – Justin says, “Wait…so he (Urkel) has a stream of weed?”

What a square.  I mean a cube, man.

Then Jimmy calls it a “strand of weed”.

Dude.  Come on.  I’m not fucking Cheech Marin but I know that the word that these nerds are looking for is “strain”.

35:00 – 

Jimmy: Those shows back then were always telling you not to do drugs and stuff like that.

Kieran: Yeah, and turn your guns in too.

There was a moment of awkward silence after this.  What fucking episode of any show had a “turn your guns in” message?  What the fuck is he talking about?

And it’s really telling that Kieran finds that message so offensive.  Urkel isn’t going to take your guns away, Kieran.  Your guns are safe.  Please continue to collect guns, you crazy gun nut.

Let me look this up.  Was there really some kind of “turn your guns in” episode of a sitcom?  

Maybe All in the Family.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lDb0Dn8OXE

I’m not seeing anything else.  Show me the episode of Perfect Strangers where Balki turns his arsenal of weapons into the police.  I don’t remember that one.

35:30 – Jimmy teases a talk about bad weed trips that he’s had.  It’s also in his book, he says.  I can’t wait for that book.  

37:00 – Justin tells a story about a time when somebody gave him a brownie, not realising that it had weed in it.  Who the fuck was trying to Cosby Justin?  That’s fucked up.  And joking aside, only a complete scumbag laces shit with drugs and then gives it to people as a “joke”.

37:45 – This is the Conan O’Brien “segment”.  It doesn’t go anywhere.

41:15 – This next segment is about video games that Jimmy can’t remember the title of.  Come on.  Time is ticking away here.  Can we wrap it up?

If they were saying anything remotely interesting, that would be one thing.  But this is awful.

45:15 – Fan Q&A segment.  Should I keep putting “segment” in quotes?  I mean, these are segments.  I guess.  No need to be patronising about it.

First “question” is about what Jimmy thinks about the writer’s idea of a TMNT III/Bill & Ted crossover movie.  Who gives a fuck?

47:15 – Shout out to Robbie Rist.  Cousin Oliver himself.

Fuck.  This is boring.  Why am I doing this?  I’ve got stuff to do.

49:30 – “Do you think that movie theatres will be phased out like arcades have become?”  Or something. Who cares?  Well, who cares what these people’s opinion is anyway.

51:30 – Jimmy says that he prefers watching videos from home because…that’s what he does.  He’s a hermit.  People carry diseases.  

Also, he likes to pause.  Being able to pause is a “luxury”.  “I drink coffee so I have to piss.”  Yeah.  It always goes back to the toilet with Jimmy.  His one true passion.

55:45 – Top Gun…remake or sequel or something.  I don’t care.  I have to skip this.

59:15 – Rocky IV remake…I’ll try to get through this.  It’s the last segment.

I can’t.  There are only two minutes left but Jimmy is talking about the music in Rocky IV now.  I’m done.

So that’s episode two.  Umm…constructive criticism…I don’t know.  I was thinking that I don’t want to hear about shit from 30 years ago but…that’s kind of his thing.  And they did talk about modern stuff too and I wasn’t interested in that either.  

So I don’t have any answers.  It’s just bad.