Run Godzilla – Castzilla VS The Pod Monster – Tony from Hack the Movies

They’re not even trying any more.  This is at least the third lazy episode in a row.  Twelve minutes and it’s about some shit that I’ve never heard of.  Let me look this up.  It’s probably a game.

Yeah.  Another shitty mobile game.

What’s the point?  I understand what the problem is.  You’ve run out of classic Godzilla films to talk about.  They don’t want to talk about the newer films because they aren’t as interesting.  There’s limited appeal in what is already a topic that has limited appeal.

But there’s other stuff to talk about.  There are other kaiju films from the 60s and 70s.  People have mentioned wanting to hear something on Jet Jaguar.  There’s Gamera.  There are Mothra movies.  There are a bunch of one off movies featuring giant monsters.  Just go to Wikipedia.

There are also giant monster movies from the 80s to the present which you can intersperse with the Godzilla stuff.  

There are undoubtedly kaiju tv shows.  Probably in Japanese but maybe there are English subtitles.  Fucking Power Rangers and all of those similar shows fall under the kaiju banner.  

There’s the Godzilla cartoon from the 70s, of course.  There was a Godzilla web series that used toy models.  Maybe you already did an episode on that.  

There are a bunch of Godzilla comic books, released both in the US and in Japan.  

And then, yes, there are Godzilla games but pick GOOD games.  Not this fucking mobile bullshit.  

I don’t even know if games are a good topic to explore.  Without seeing the game, it’s difficult to follow anything.  And how much can you really say about a game anyway?  They reviewed the NES Godzilla game, but if I didn’t already know what the game was about, I would have absolutely no idea what Tony and Johanna were talking about.

You can look for obscure Godzilla material.  Wasn’t that the original intention of the show?  Do one episode on a Godzilla film and one episode on some shit that nobody ever heard of before, like the Charles Barkley vs Godzilla comic or that children’s book on Godzilla?  I know that I shit on those episodes but it’s a MUCH better idea than reviewing a fucking mobile game.

Reviewing a Godzilla film one episode and an obscure piece of Godzilla shit the next made sense.  It was a good idea.  You pad this shit out.  You don’t just burn through all the movies.  And the obscure stuff doesn’t have to be throw away “content”.  It can be interesting.  It can be more interesting than the movies.

There’s the Toby vs Godzilla Far Side comic.  That’s a neat little bit of Godzilla trivia.  He did a bunch of comics about Godzilla, including one about Mothra.  You can do something with that.  Or compile a bunch of random Godzilla shit like that and do an episode about it.  Show the influence that Godzilla has had through the ages in various art and media.

So let’s speed through this half-assed piece of shit.  Tony always blames Johanna for being busy but ultimately it’s his responsibility.  If there’s no time to do an episode properly, just don’t do one.  Don’t churn out crap just to say that you did something.

0:45 – Johanna was at an anime convention.  Ugh.  Let’s move on.

I don’t know the timestamp but after they “review” this thing (the game is bad, by the way) Johanna says that she refuses to review the third and final mobile game.  That’s probably sensible.  

Johanna then suggests doing a podcast featuring a Mothra statue that she’s apparently getting.  And film it.  This is another idea that I had but I didn’t want to suggest doing stuff that requires video.  I was trying to keep things simple.  But yeah, if you have Godzilla merchandise, you can show it off.  Not just some piece of shit that you got recently, but your entire shitty collection.  

Tony says that he has no time to do video and Johanna makes a “no time” reference.  It’s just so weird that everyone at Screenwave makes fun of their biggest client.  Justin does it, Tony does it, Newt does it.  I mean, yeah, James Rolfe is deserving of mockery but…he’s paying these people.  I would not be happy if I was Jimmy.

9:15 – Tony plugs their upcoming appearance at Astronomicon.  Or something.  

Wait…what?  It’s this thing:

It seems to be mostly about wrestling…and the Insane Clown Posse.  Why are they going to this?  Why is Johanna excited to be going to this?  

Butch Patrick will also be there.  You know…Eddie from the Munsters.  He must be 100 years old now.

This is insane. Which part of this appeals to Johanna?  This is in Michigan, by the way.  They’ll be travelling from rural Pennsylvania to Michigan for this shit.  To see some wrestlers, wannabe Insane Clown Posse acts, and Z-list horror actors.  

Johanna keeps talking about how she’ll be at “registration”.  She’s going to be working at this thing.  Apparently.  

Can they explain any of this?  Why is she working there?  Why does she want to be there in the first place?  Does she actually want to be there or is this just some work requirement?  

11:15 – Johanna says that her fiance has two anuses.  But she said this with less tact than I’ve just done.  I don’t even want to mention this but…I…why is this being shared?  

Then they say that this guy’s twin sister also has two anuses.  Did that woman agree for this information to be shared?  And this guy’s mother.  

I think that stuff like this is the result of severe inbreeding, by the way.  It’s just…monumentally inappropriate to talk about something like this.  But whatever.  These aren’t classy folk over at Screenwave.

Then the last 30 seconds is a black screen.  The intern who edits these videos fucked up again.  Maybe pay somebody instead.

But yeah, that’s…there’s so much unexplained here.  Apparently, they’ll be in attendance as Hack the Movies: Tony, Newt, Johanna, and Crystal.  But I can’t see that on the website.  I only see that on Newt’s Facebook.

Tickets are $30/day.  Who would go to this?  To see Johanna working reception?  To get an autograph from some drugged out imitation ICP flunky?  To see some AEW wrestlers who I never even heard of before?  

The biggest guest is Corey Taylor.  Hey guys!  Remember Corey Taylor?

No.  Who the fuck is this?  Why would I pay $200 for the VIP ticket where I get this guy’s autograph?  

I don’t get this shit at all.  Tony and the gang are going to be guests at this thing…but also working there.  What?  It’s insane.  Who would agree to that?  “Oh, you can be a guest at our nerd convention but only if you make yourself useful and work reception.”  Any normal, self-respecting person would say, “Go fuck yourself.”  But they agreed to this.

And who would possibly want to meet Tony from Hack the Movies?  Or any of these people?  

Rake of Ghostemane?  Who is this?  Not even Google knows.  He’s some meth addict Insane Clown Posse rip off.  Insane Clown Posse promotes a bunch of imitation bands but who the fuck is listening to this shit?  

Lucina Jenney?  She’s at least on Wikipedia.  She does the English dubs for some anime.  Who gives a fuck?  What am I going to get from talking to this woman for 30 seconds?  Is she going to go out with me?  She’s fucking 25 years older than me and married.  I’m not interested.

Alla Xul Elu is another one of the MANY Insane Clown Posse reject bands who will be there.  They’re not notable enough for a Wikipedia entry either but at least they’re on Google, unlike Rake of Ghostemane.  How the fuck can you not make Google?  Rake of Ghosemane is actually not noteworthy enough for GOOGLE.  Maybe they spelled the name wrong or something.

There’s going to be an “award winning cosplayer” there.  Ashlee Kalthoff.  I can’t find her Instagram.  Or Twitter.  Or anything.  No, that’s not true.  She’s on Linkedin.  There’s no picture of her, which is very peculiar for somebody in such a vanity-driven “industry”.  And it just says that she’s like an art teacher in Michigan.  Good for her.  But I’m going to pay thirty bucks to see an art teacher from Michigan?  

It’s all complete nobodies.  I mean, there’s also Mick Foley and some modern wrestlers, if you’re some loser who follows modern wrestling.  You might know those people.  But everyone else…what the fuck?  These bands are literally just some fucking local junkies from Michigan.  Why would anybody pay to see these people?  And these fucking ZZZ-list horror actors who nobody on earth knows.  And poor old Butch Patrick.

It just doesn’t make any fucking sense.  What’s the theme of this thing?  It’s just a collection of random people.  Unknown wrestlers, unknown actors, and unknown musicians.  And, apparently, unknown Youtubers.  And they’ll all be signing autographs.  For twenty bucks each or whatever.  

I just don’t get it.  At all.  Who are the people going to this thing?  

If you go to Youtube and search for “astronomicon” videos, you’ll see a few videos from last year.  And these videos all have fewer than 10,000 views.

Here’s one with 1700 views.  Let’s check it out.

Fat chicks and/or goths buying horror and/or goth shit.  

Heavily tattooed douchebags who don’t have jobs.

Comic book nerds.

Tweaked out ICP fans who don’t know where they are.

Terrible parents who brought their children to this shit.

People dressed as clowns.

A bunch of guys taking pictures with some clown.  I guess that he’s in some ICP wannabe band.  But this can be anyone.  How do you know it’s the guy even in the band?  He’s covered in makeup and prosthetics.  And who cares anyway?  Nobody knows who this guy is.  Nobody knows the band.  It’s some local band for local meth addicts.

Oh, it’s this clown’s video.  This clown has a Youtube channel and people were paying to take pictures with him.  This guy who has 19,000 subscribers.

Some lonely chick dressed as a Jedi.

A guy with a pirate hand puppet.

Heavily tattooed fat goth chick with low self-esteem and her tits out.

Anyway, I think that I got the gist now.  It’s a place for the absolute bottom tier rejects of society to go and ogle fat goth chicks.  Johanna is excited to go to this thing.  She’s really looking forward to being ogled by some middle aged virgin in a vampire costume.  What a sad state of affairs.

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