Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w56maBqDS00

I was there for the grand premiere for this.  The world premiere.  Nathan Barnatt was in the chat joking it up with the nerds.  Justin Silverman was there posting as “Cinemassacre”.  James was taking care of his children.  People were pumped.

I fell asleep within…fuck…minutes?  Seconds?  It literally might be less than a minute.  I don’t even remember anything that was said.  This podcast is better than Talking About Tapes in terms of being a sleep aid.  

0:15 – “It’s the off the cuff banter from Rental Reviews and James & Mike Monday (sic) mixed with an AVGN panel.”

This is from the intro.  People want this?  They’re describing two failed “series” and a boring nerd convention.  Why would anyone want a mix of these things?  

0:45 – Then the podcast begins with James being BORED AS FUCK.  This was actually in the trailer.  This was the “teaser” to get people to watch this shit.  I couldn’t fucking believe it.  

Does nobody there have any fucking sense?  Why would you choose THIS clip to put in the trailer?  James can barely keep his empty head up.  He’s bored out of his fucking mind.  And he says something totally stupid and boring.  THIS was in the trailer.

It’s like James is doped up on something.  

And then Justin and Kieran react awkwardly to James’ awkward, bland comments.  What a way to start a fucking podcast.  Couldn’t you just do it it again?  Give James some direction?  “A little livelier this time.  Maybe you can say something like, “Wow!  It’s great to be back!  I’m really looking forward to this podcast!”

No.  Just James awkwardly saying “yeah” and the like.

1:00- Kieran keeps interlacing his fingers.  Guys…we’re just like 30 seconds into this.  Why not just start over?  You’re only losing 30 seconds of footage.  “James, here’s something more interesting that you can say to kick off the new podcast.  And Kieran, knock off that weird finger thing.  Let’s try it again.”

Do it until you get it right.  And then maybe put this semi-interesting, semi-competent footage in the trailer.

1:15 – Jimmy starts talking about how he hasn’t left his home in like a year and a half because of his paranoid delusions about covid.  

1:45 – Jimmy says that he misses Rental Reviews.  This show that he put absolutely no effort into and was clearly uncomfortable doing.  This show where he just read from notes.  This show where he often didn’t even watch the movie.

He complains that it was difficult to do the later episodes over Skype.  Yeah.  So don’t do them.  If you’re paranoid about covid, fine.  Stay in your home and don’t do anything.  

But that’s done.  Why didn’t they just bring back Rental Reviews if Jimmy misses Rental Reviews so much.  They have the set.  Tony from Hack the Movies uses it for Rental Reviews 2.0.  Why doesn’t anyone mention this?  

By the way, Tony from Hack the Movies, in the best career choice of his life, is conspicuously absent from this abortion of a podcast.  The boys on Reddit say that he’s done with AVGN but I don’t know where they got this from or, if it’s true, how this works.  I mean, he’s still working at Screenwave, surely.  He uses the Rental Reviews set.  Whatever.

2:00 – “We eventually put it on a hiatus.”

No.  It’s done.  They said that Rental Reviews was over.  In the final “episode”, Justin says that people didn’t like the show, it wasn’t doing well, and people just want to see Jimmy doing scripted stuff.  

This isn’t a hiatus.  It’s a cancellation.  And how are they possibly going to bring it back?  The show exists already as Talking About Tapes starring Tony from Hack the Movies, Newt, the super hot Crystal Quinn, Johanna, and whoever else they can scrounge up.  

So is James going to kick Tony and the gang out and say, “Actually, I want to do the show again”?  That would be a complete scumbag move.  Jimmy was done with this shit.  Long before covid.  He checked out ages ago.  He was terrible at it.  

So Tony picked it up and turned it into something halfway listenable as background material.  Tony clearly enjoys doing the podcast.  And he continued this in spite of James intentionally sabotaging the show.  

If Jimmy took over again, aside from that being something that only a complete asshole would do, it would ruin the fucking show.  James can not have a conversation.  He has autism.  

2:15 – Justin says, “Yeah, because James & Mike Mondays went on a hiatus and then ended permanently.”  To which James says, “For now, at least.”

No.  What doesn’t Jimmy understand?  These shows are done.  He fucking said as much.  Mike isn’t even with the company any more.  

Everybody seems to know that these shows are over except for Jimmy.

This is really edited to shit, by the way.  Every time James starts talking, there’s an edit right before it.  He’s checking notes or he’s being prompted for stuff to talk about.  That’s the only way that he can do this.

3:00- Justin introduces some “segments”…”Whatcha Watching”, “Whatcha Playing”, and “Whatchat Drinking.”  And the graphic on the screen says, “Whatcha Doing”, which must be a hidden “segment.”

Oh fuck.  This is…with somebody other than Jimmy, this might be okay.  I just know that we’re in for a disaster, though.

James says, “How about Whatcha Listening To and Whatcha Reading also?”

So we’re up to five “segments”.  Or six.  And did they not run these ideas past Jimmy already?  Are they just springing this on him now?  Why didn’t he raise these two “segment” ideas at the brainstorming session?  

Can I recommend Whatcha Pooping wherein Jimmy and the gang talk about their recent stool consistency?  Maybe talk about how regular they are.  Talk about what they’ve been eating lately which might explain their bowel movements.  It would be something that Jimmy would be passionate about.

Then Justin and Kieran boast about not reading.  Why boast about this?  

3:15 – Jimmy lists some books that he’s read while he was holed up in his home like Howard Hughes.  Some book about Atari, and some biographies about band members of Judas Priest.

Hey guys!  Remember Judas Priest?  

No.  I’ve never known a single person who likes Judas Priest.  I’ve never heard any of their songs.  I’ve never heard anybody mention them.  The only way I know about them is from one or two jokes on the Simpsons.  Otto likes the band.  Or at least he did back in “the 90s”.

This shit is before my time.  WAY before my time.  And I’m older than Jimmy.

He also read 2001: A Space Odyssey.  

Justin talks about the sequel and says that it’s good but Stanley Kubrick doesn’t direct it.  Jimmy says, “Oh, cool”.  

Good contribution.  Mr Film Curator doesn’t want to add anything to this discussion about film directors and whatnot?

6:30 – Kieran was just reading comic books.  It reminds me of a Mike Tyson quote that I saw, “That Tolstoy crap.  People shouldn’t read that shit.”  This was apparently said during a discussion where Mike says that he mostly reads comic books.  Of course, I read this quote in an issue of Penthouse from “the 90s” so I can’t comment on its veracity.

Oh.  Here’s where I fell asleep.  Because I remember Kieran talking about this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the future thing but that’s the last thing that I remember.

7:15 – He says “bo staff”.  “Bo” means “staff” in Japanese.  Or something.  So he’s saying “staff staff”.  I’m not sure if that’s 100% accurate, but you can just say “bo”.  

8:30 – Jimmy suggests that they should do a podcast just on Batman comics.  I’ll look forward to that.  Maybe they could bring Erin in as a special guest.  She’s read A LOT of Batman comics.  Or so she says.  And Erin doesn’t lie.

9:45 – Now they’ve moved on to Whatcha Watching, I guess.  Kieran has been watching comic book shit.  This man is like 32 years old.

10:45 – Then they’re just on to Whatcha Playing.  So…Justin wasn’t watching anything.  And James talked about watching some Batman cartoon but that was in the context of the comic book discussion.  So…I guess we’ll just never know what tv shows Justin or Jimmy have been watching lately.

Jimmy says, “I play games with my kids sometimes.”

It’s just so bad.  What about a “segment” called Whatcha Parenting where Jimmy talks about all of the family activities that he gets up to?  Gymnastics lessons.  Bike rides.  I don’t know.  Tell us all about it, Jimmy.  Tell us what seems to be eating up every single second of your day.

It’s not video games.  He hasn’t played any.  For the entire past year and a half.  At least.

11:45 – “You know what I play?  I play shit.”

I don’t even know the context of this.  Jimmy said that, by the way.  Justin was saying something…I couldn’t understand it…then Jimmy made this weird comment.  But yeah, he got really excited.  Excrement really turns him on.  It’s disgusting.  And he does literally play with poop.  I have no doubt in my mind that he does.

Kieran was playing Resident Evil games.  It’s so fucking boring.  I could have filled in, as Kieran, and given the same exact fucking answers.  He’s completely predictable.  He’s going to talk about his love for denim vests next.

They start talking about Fallout 3 and Jimmy has no idea what they’re talking about.

Then they talk about some more games and Jimmy just continues to smile and nod.

14:45 – Now they’re talking about alcohol but there was no segue.  I just assume that we’re into the Whatcha Drinking “segment” now.

Jimmy drinks.  A lot.  Maybe this is the real answer into where his time goes.  

And what a shit father.  Walking around in a drunken stupor all day.  No job.  

Jimmy REALLY enjoys drinking.  He can’t shut the fuck about alcohol.  This is almost at poop levels of excitement for him.

Jimmy tells a long story about alcohol and It’s a Mad, Mad, whatever World.  Hasn’t he seen any other movies?

18:45 – Kieran talks about how he’s been doing DDP Yoga.  How embarrassing.

He also cut out drinking because he was trying to lose weight.  But then he started drinking again and stopped losing weight.  So now he found a compromise and only drinks low-calorie alcoholic beverages.

19:30 – Oh my god, my earlier prediction was true.  Kieran goes on an extended discussion about his denim vest.

21:30 – After another edit, Jimmy starts talking about how he started a “band” during the “pandemic.”

I don’t even know if I can watch this.  It already seems like this has lasted forever.  Can I really endure 15 minutes of Jimmy talking about his novelty Youtube band?

24:45 – A bizarre not-so-stealth ad for bootleg t-shirts.  Shout out to Mauricio.

25:45 – Jimmy says that it was actually Justin’s idea to start the band.  Way to shift the blame.

29:15 – Kieran tells a story about how he wrote the lyrics to a song while defecating.  He really knows how to get Jimmy’s attention.  Maybe they can do a “collab”.  On Skype.  Each one of them on their separate toilets and they just start brainstorming ideas for a new Rex Viper song.

But covid is over.  Jimmy is no longer living in fear.  So what about going to a public bathroom and sitting in adjacent stalls and banging this out?  

You know what would really be ideal, though?  If Jimmy installed two toilets into his home bathroom, facing each other.  Yeah, the plumber might raise some questions while he’s installing it but his job is to install toilets, not to judge people.  

Then Jimmy and Kieran can have all kinds of rap sessions together.  Maybe jam together while taking a tandem shit.  Stick Tony from Hack the Movies on Jimmy’s shoulders so that Tony can do a double decker.  Maybe Justin can drop a load in the bathtub.  God, it would be a real golden age for Cinemassacre.  Imagine all the great ideas that would come from this setup.

Then they show a clip of Kieran’s magnum opus that he wrote while taking a shit and I can’t understand a SINGLE WORD that’s being said.  

36:30 – Kieran mentions how he’s no longer in the band due to “prior engagements”.  Maybe he’s just on hiatus and will come back years later.

Jimmy says that he considers Kieran to be a “fringe” member of the band.  Kieran describes himself as a “floater”.  This makes Jimmy sexually excited.

37:30 – Kieran promotes his Twitch stream.  He says that it’s really “taken off” in the past year.  Really.  You can’t even watch the fucking videos without being a paid “subscriber”.  Who’s doing that?

38:15 – “By the time you see this, the Heart on Fire video should be out.”

That was like a month ago.  They recorded this over a month ago.  

This is not how podcasts operate.  Podcasts are often live or at the very least they’re recorded a day or two previously.  But Jimmy wants to record a bunch of shit all at once so that he can maximise his time with his poop.  Or, to use his actual excuse, with his children.  This is the same way that they recorded James & Mike Mondays.  Jimmy would film a month’s worth of episodes, all at once, in four hours.  

38:15 – “I’m not sure if you could tell or not, I did my best, but in that video, we are all green screened.”

You don’t say.  It was so seamless.  You’re a real artist, Jimmy.

He says that he spent over 100 hours on this video.

Where did he find the time?  

And I have a great idea of how James can free up some of his time: stop making these fucking Rex Viper videos.  Nobody wants to see them.

He wasted 100 hours on that shit.  Unbelievable.

By the way, this is what they’re talking about on the inaugural podcast.  Can these people be any more out of touch?  Nobody cares about this shit.  Now Jimmy is going to talk about his love for green screen technology for the next 10 minutes.

He just doesn’t have a clue.  Every decision is the wrong one.  How can anybody get everything so wrong so consistently?  

Nobody gives a fuck about his fucking green screen.  People HATE the green screen shit that he does.  They want him to stop using it.  But he’s going on his fucking podcast and talking about how much he loves the green screen.

Same with that shit band.  Everybody HATES it.  But he goes on the podcast and talks about how much he loves the band.

This is not what people want to listen to.  I’m sorry.  I’m not some faggot on Reddit jerking off to Bootsy and complaining about everything that Jimmy and the Screenwave crew do but this is fucking indefensible dogshit.  This is objectively awful.  No reasonable person can disagree.  

Green screens and Rex Viper would be the LAST topics that I’d want to hear discussed.  I don’t want to hear about this shit at all.  Jimmy doesn’t get it.

Jimmy goes on and on and on about what a green screen artist he is.  I’m not even joking.  He says that he’s never satisfied with his green screen work but at some point, you have to stop working on it and let the art speak for itself.  

This is shit, James.  I don’t want to see green screen anything.  Get out of your fucking home and film this shit with the other members of the band.  You’re not going to get the plague.   

42:30 – James says that in the next video, he’s going to play an 8 string guitar.  I think.  Why?  Can he even play a guitar with the normal amount of strings?  

Then there’s another bizarre not-so-stealth ad for the guy who allegedly taught Jimmy all that he knows about the guitar.  I’m not sure if this guy wants credit for this.

44:45 – Jimmy goes on about how he doesn’t have enough time to watch a movie again.  Well, maybe instead of spending 100 hours editing shit videos that nobody cares about, you can watch fucking 66 movies instead.  

45:15 – He recently listened to the entire discography of Dragon Force.  Let me look this up.

They have eight albums.  Figure an album of an hour long.  That’s eight hours.  Jimmy spent eight hours listening to some heavy metal band that nobody has ever heard of before.  Where did he find the time?  Where were his children?

47:00 – Jimmy discusses what it would have been like if he started the band in his 20s.

Nobody would have given a shit.  They don’t give a shit now.  Would they have given a shit back before anyone knew who James Rolfe was?  Some fucking novelty band playing shit covers of 1980s music?  WHO CARES?

By the way, 6,000 likes and 1,000 dislikes.  That’s a terrible ratio.

I don’t think that I can watch this any more.  They’re talking about bands and alcohol again.  

Yeah.  I have to take a break.  A seven month hiatus to make something to eat.  I may or may not come back.  I’m not sure if I’ll have the time to watch the rest of this video.   I might want to watch the entire miniseries of Roots instead.

53:00 – I’m back.  Shout out to the farm machinery that they were sat behind in traffic that one time.  

The trials and tribulations of rural living.  What about a podcast about this?  Life in rural Pennsylvania?  It would be more interesting than fucking Rex Viper and green screens.  And bands from the fucking 1970s.  And alcoholic beverages from the 1970s.  

55:15 – Kieran says “bo staff” again.  Kieran…it’s a bo.  Or “bō” if you want to be really pretentious about it.  And why would the Romanised version of the word use a letter that’s not used in the English version of the Roman alphabet?  Who translated this?  Must have been some Swedish guy.

56:00 – Finally, the Q&A.  We’re almost through this.  

Ugh.  A question about the Cinemassacre logo.

SPECIAL EDUCATION!  TALK ABOUT SPECIAL EDUCATION!

58:45 – BORED James question.  BORED.  GET IT?  HOMOPHONES?  

Speaking of being BORED, I’m bored out of my fucking mind here.  

He talks about the fucking lore of BORED James.  The lore that EVERYBODY HATED.  Again, Jimmy doesn’t get it.  

He says that he can’t do any more BORED James episodes because the character was killed off in the lore.  Or something.  NOBODY FUCKING CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID LORE.

So them he says that he might do a prequel and it will be dark and gritty and…JAMES.  YOU’RE NOT LISTENING.  NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE LORE.  Do a fucking three minute video on Don’t Wake the Dragon.  This isn’t challenging stuff.  We don’t need the convoluted backstory that doesn’t make any sense.

Then Jimmy says that he doesn’t have TIME to do these prequels.  

Again…Jimmy…come over here, Jimmy.  Let’s have a chat.  

I know that you were in special education for seven and a half years but just try to follow what I’m saying to you.  We don’t want the lore.  We don’t care about the backstory for your little character called Board James.  Just make a three minute video on some children’s board game.  That’s all that you have to do.  No skit.  Skits are dumb.  

I did skits in Cub Scouts.  You’re not in Cub Scouts are you Jimmy?  You’re a big boy now, right?  So forget about the skits.  Just do a three minute video on a board game.  Any board game.  It’s not hard.

He says that it will take a year to do a Board James episode the way that he wants to do it.  

Okay.  So don’t do it how you want to do it.  Because your way is stupid and dumb and stupid.  Nobody wants that.  Just do a three minute video on a board game.  You can crank this out in eight hours from script writing to filming to editing to uploading.  Eight hours.  Do you have time for that?  One day of work?  Can you do that, Jimmy?

1:02:15 – Kieran reveals that his favourite Board James was the Mr Bucket one because it was about eating testicles.  I’m not even joking.  This is what he says.  

1:02:30 – A question about Bootsy, Kyle, and Mike from the boys on Reddit.  Jimmy gets really defensive and doesn’t answer anything.

1:04:00 – They put a horrible picture of Mike on screen.  They must know what they’re doing.  This is intentional.  THAT’S the best picture of Mike that you can find?  Him making a stupid face on Twitch?

1:05:00 – Jimmy starts talking about that kid who was in Droppings aka Holy Shit from his childhood “movies”.  I think that this is the guy, anyway.  I believe that this kid was in a few of Jimmy’s “movies”.  

Apparently, there’s a reunion video but I’ve never seen this.  Maybe it hasn’t been released.

1:09:30 – Justin shouts out Tony from Hack the Movies and how he’s doing Talking About Tapes (or “Hack the Moves” as Justin calls it).  Tony calls it that sometimes too.  Talking About Tapes is an idiotic name but…it’s already somewhat established.  I don’t know.  I think he’s trying to transition the name to Hack the Movies.

1:11:15 – Justin is talking about how this set used to be the set for Retail Reviews and  Kieran asked what happened to all of the stuff that was on the set and Justin says that it’s in storage and that he had his birthday on that set on the last day it was up.  Shit like this.  Kind of interesting.  Jimmy contributes nothing.

Then Justin asks Jimmy if he has any final thoughts and Jimmy says, “I have to piss.”

This is why he has no time.  His love for the toilet and his excretory functions.  And he can not have a conversation AT ALL.

I regret to inform everyone that this is not going to work.  Did The OverAnalyzers work?  Did James & Mike Mondays work ?  Did Rental Reviews work?  

At the start of the podcast, Justin excitedly talked about having three cameras for this thing.  Like that’s the key to a good podcast: the number of cameras.  You can have 100 cameras and this is still not going to work.  

Here’s the problem with the show: James Alexander Rolfe.  I don’t actually know his middle name.  But we all know who I’m talking about.  Little Jimmy.  That guy who spent seven and a half years in special education. 

The channel worked in the past because Mike was able to more or less cover up Jimmy’s special needs.  But Screenwave doesn’t do this.  

Even the heavily-scrubbed Youtube comments have comments critical of this “content”.  

– “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

There’s somebody else who appreciates the podcast as a sleep aid.

– “I’m sorry, but this was dull.”

This guy actually edited his comment in the hopes that it would get through the oppressive censorship.  Like he probably wrote a positive comment first and then edited it once he saw that it got through.  Does that work?  That’s pretty clever if it does.

– “Man, what atrocious guests – James is the only likeable one out of the lot”

The homoerotic contempt that some people have for Screenwave is so intense that people will actually claim that James is good at this.  

– “Shame it feels like James is a guest on his own show..”

Whose fault is that?  James doesn’t take charge because he’s incapable of leading a conversation.  He’s incapable of participating in a conversation AT ALL.  If it was left to James, nothing would fucking happen.  He would just keep saying “yeah” to himself.

– “Yeesh this was rough…”

– “The dollar is dying and the Antichrist is coming like this year or next”

This podcast was so abysmal that this man took it as a sign that God has abandoned us and that we need to prepare for the end times.  I call dibs on the Whore of Babylon.  How many breasts do you suppose she has?  Seven, I’d imagine.

Speaking of abominations, let’s see what the boys on Reddit have to say.  Did they like it?  I’ll guesss…no.

“No time”.  “I didn’t watch it”.  “5:40”.  

I like how the boys praise Kieran for losing weight.  “Calling him a fatass for all of those years, really paid off!”  Like insults are the way to motivate people to lose weight.  They’re just saying these things to try to be helpful.  

– “Who lotta “yeahs” from everyone, ESPECIALLY James. Holy shit this is terrible. James and crew need to apply for some real world jobs now.”

It’s true.  These people should all make sure that their resume is up to date because it won’t be long now.

– “They’re trying to capture that “suburban dad who didn’t have the balls to move to the city to pursue his dreams so he just plays in a garage band with his overweight neighbors” demographic.”

I found this hilarious.

Anyway…I’d say that it can only get better from here but that’s not true.  It can get worse.  There’s no bottom when it comes to Lazy Jimmy and the Screenwave Gang.