Hearts on Fire – Cinemassacre


I listened to the “leaked” version without the music video first.  It’s bad.  Really bad.  But maybe it improves with video.  

0:00 – It starts off as the Punchout theme song and then switches to that song from Rocky.  One of them.  Not Eye of the Tiger.  The other one.  The one from Rocky IV, I guess.

This is really hard to listen to.  I actually feel ill.  It reminds me of Friday by Rebecca Black.  It was really badly autotuned so it made the song sound weird and unnatural, which resulted in an uneasy feeling in the listener.

These Rex Viper songs are made in some kind of Frankenstein’s laboratory.  My understanding is that everybody records separately and then they stitch it all together.  That’s why the songs sound weird and this one is particularly bad.  James is too petrified to leave his home to record or allow people into his home to record so this is what happens.  And do these people even live nearby?  I think at least some of the “band” live in Canada.

And did they film the video separately and then stitch it together?  I assume so.  So everybody recorded themselves separately, in front of green screens, and then somebody put it together, poorly.

Justin said on Reddit that Newt “mixed” this.  At least the audio portion.  Then somebody thought that Justin was joking but I don’t see why they’d think that.  It seems normal for Screenwave.

It seems extraordinarily difficult to take six different audio files and compile them into one coherent song.  Even for a professional that would be difficult.  And for the people in the “band”, how are they able to keep together, pace-wise, if they’re all doing it separately?  So you’re going to get five different audio tracks, all at different speeds.  It’s a fucking disaster.  That’s why people don’t record like this.  

By the way, Kieran isn’t in this.  Who did they replace him with?  Oh.  Nobody, it seems.  There used to be seven members of the band and now there are six.  I guess that the “keytar” was deemed superflous.

They say in the description that Kieran left to “focus on streaming.”  What a load of bullshit.  It’s like when politicians get caught cheating on their wives, they say that they’re retiring to “focus on my family.”  

What’s the real reason why Kieran left?  Was he kicked out or did he quit?  I can see him quitting because he doesn’t want the hassle or the embarrassment or whatever.  But give us a plausible reason for this.  He didn’t quit to focus on streaming.  That’s fucking stupid.

And his streaming career is really bad.  You can’t even watch the videos unless you’re a paid “subscriber” of his.  But back before he locked everything down, I saw a couple of videos and they were just boring and poorly done.

1:15 – I’m sorry but I get strong gay vibes from this.  Especially the guy singing.  He gets all “emotional”.  And he’s almost singing in falsetto.  Maybe they can do a cover of Tiptoe Through the Tulips next.  It’s…I mean…I’ll just move on.

 3:45 – Justin makes an appearance.  The boys on Reddit raged over this.  But he is the seventh member of the fucking band.  Thus far, we only have seen the other six in this weird green screen mashup.  Why wasn’t Justin there from the start?

4:00 – Oh come on.  Tell me that this isn’t gay.  The lead singer and Justin staring lovingly into each other’s eyes while singing into a phallic-shaped microphone and wearing a lot of denim.  And Justin is wearing a shirt that says “Macho Man”, a reference to Randy Savage.  Come on.  This is GAY.  I’m not just saying it because that’s my thing.  This is objectively gay.

Then everybody changes into winter clothing because it’s winter now.  A reference to Rocky IV when they train in the mountains and there’s snow.

So that’s the video.  What to say?  

Well, let’s start with the band.  There were seven members of this band back when Kieran was involved.  Isn’t that a lot?  

Forgive my ignorance, I’m not a music expert by any means but four is the usual number, right?  Singer, bass guitar, normal guitar, and percussion.  Excuse my terminology.  Do many bands have seven members?

Lynard Skynard.  Do you suppose that’s what they were going for?  Maybe they can do a cover of Free Bird.

I don’t get these videos.  The boys on Reddit absolutely hate them.  Universally.  Even bad Screenwave AVGN videos, there are some people there who will say that the episode was okay.  Same with Rental Reviews.  It has its supporters on Reddit.  But these music videos…not one person says that they’re even remotely watchable.

And I go in with an open mind, I give praise whenever possible, I love being able to say, “Hey, this was actually pretty good” but no.  It’s dog shit.  Who thought that this would be a good idea?  

I don’t want to hear cover songs from ANYONE.  I don’t want to hear them from professional singers.  I certainly don’t want to hear them from some novelty Youtube “band”.

Maybe if the songs were funny, that would have some appeal.  Some Weird Al shit.  But these are just…well, I suppose that they’re worse than straight covers because they mix in nerdy video game shit.  Why would I want to hear nerdy video game shit?  Why would anyone?  Even nerds aren’t interested in this.

Are people supposed to download these songs and put them in their playlist of songs that they regularly rock out to?  What’s the point of any of this?  Who’s the intended audience?  In what capacity are we supposed to be enjoying this media?

I know that people upload videos of them playing cover songs, be it video game music or whatever.  They’ll be sitting there with their guitar or piano or whatever and playing Stairway to Heaven or music from Super Mario Bros or what have you.

They’re doing this either as a tutorial to show people how it’s done or for their own enjoyment.  They took a while to learn the song and they’re proud of it so they want to make a video.

I can understand making those kinds of videos.  But that doesn’t seem to be what James is doing.  This is supposed to be on par with an actual song from an actual band and with an actual music video.  We’re supposed to put Mighty Wings and Hadoukens within our 80s *nostalgia* rock playlist.  So you’ll be listening to West End Girls by the Pet Shop Boys, and then 19 by Paul Hardcastle, and then Power of Love by Rex Viper, and then Money for Nothing by Dire Straights.  

Is this what we’re expected to do?  It’s insane.  Nobody is treating these shit songs as legitimate music.  Nobody is buying the singles.  By the way, Screenwave sells the songs for $1/each.

It’s just a pointless vanity project by a 40 year old autistic man.  There’s an audience of one: James Rolfe.  Everyone else is just confused and angered by this shit.  And nobody at Screenwave has the sense to say, “James.  This is stupid.  Knock it off.”

MAYBE if they actually recorded together, this could work.  MAYBE.  But recording separately and doing this Frankenstein bullshit is awful.  

They’re apparently going to perform live.  So we’ll see.  Does Jimmy even know how to play the guitar?  

It’s just one terrible idea after another from Jimmy Rolfe and the Screenwave Bunch.  All Jimmy had to do was stay awake during James & Mike Mondays.  Mike can be replaced.  Do a James & Whoever Mondays.  I don’t give a fuck.  Kieran, Tony, Justin.  But Jimmy has to keep his fucking eyes open.  Jimmy has to show some TINY interest in what he’s doing.

Rental Reviews.  I don’t think that this one could be salvaged.  Jimmy was god awful.  He just read from notes and very often he didn’t even watch the movie.  He can’t hold a conversation at all.

AVGN.  Write good scripts, gentlemen.  If you don’t have what it takes, hire somebody who does.

And now this fucking podcast.  It’s going to be a disaster.  Unless they’re going to use my Rectal Reviews idea, where they just talk about faeces, James is going to have absolutely NOTHING to say.  It’s going to be Justin spoon feeding questions to Jimmy like what happened on Rental Reviews.  Everybody has to shut the fuck up so that we can hear what brilliant insights James Rolfe has.  He’s the star of the show, even though he’s clearly the dumbest person on the panel, with the least amount of interesting stuff to talk about.

It’s insulting to the other people on the panel, it’s insulting to James Rolfe, and it’s insulting to the audience.  

James & Whoever Mondays and AVGN.  That’s it.  There’s your channel.  Focus on those two things.  Does Jimmy have enough time for those two things?  Is Jimmy still afraid of the big bad flu?  Can Jimmy put the poo down for a little while and start doing his job again?  

It’s pathetic.  This is a grown man who has an entire of team of people doing his job for him and he still doesn’t want to put any effort into this whatsoever.  I can’t wait until he’s working at Wawa again.

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