Gamer Girls

How on earth does that look like Alice?  Do I have to get a picture of Ann B Davis now?  The woman had dark hair and was slightly greying.      

It’s just some of the dumbest fucking shit I’ve ever heard in my life.  

Then she just moves on.  “Hey BoilerFan”.  It’s fucking trash.  All she can do is greet people and say “that’s cool”.  Why would anybody want to engage with this?  She’s boring as fucking shit, can’t have a conversation AT ALL, and doesn’t know the first fucking thing about video games.  Or popular culture.  Of any decade.  What’s the appeal?  She’s a complete zero across the board.  

32:30 – “Hey GeekyGirl.  Hope you’re having a good night.”

Unbelievable.  GeekyGirl95 again invaded the chat just to promote her channel.  She said, “Hey, just wanted to stop by and say hello to everybody.”

Doesn’t Erin realise what this is?  Erin did the same fucking thing all over Youtube.  She spammed stupid comments and it was a way to promote her channel.  

And it’s working.  Super Erin Plays fan BroomHatter goes to GeekyGirl’s streams now.  He’s the only person there.  I did a whole fucking article on this but I deleted it because there wasn’t enough to work on.  But it’s fucking pathetic.

33:00 – Erin chooses a “D” now.  No “D”.  Then Erin smiles nervously.  She did the same thing the last time she chose a letter that wasn’t there.

“I knew there wasn’t going to be a D but I panicked.”

Why would you panic?  There’s no timer.  Take all the time you need.  

Then Mike tries to buy a vowel even though he only has $150.  Vowels cost $250.  He didn’t know this?  

So he loses his turn.  He gets angry at this, rightly, it is odd that you lose your turn if you try to buy a vowel but don’t have the money to do so, but fuck it.  He should know the rules.

Erin: “Maybe this sucks.”

She does not want to be playing this at all.

Erin chooses a “K”.  Interesting choice.  But there does happen to be a “K” on there.  

So…she “knew” that there wouldn’t be a “D”.  The letter that she actually wanted, apparently, was a “K”.  

Then Erin tries to buy a vowel, even though she only has $200, and loses her turn.  Vowels still cost $250.  Naturally, Erin doesn’t know this.

Mike: We don’t know how much it costs, Vanna.

Erin: Yeah, I don’t like this Wheel of Fortune game.

She makes numerous comments about not wanting to play this.

34:00 – “Yeah, that’s cool, Geeky.”

Let’s see what was so “cool”.

“Just working the night away” was GeekyGirl’s comment.  Erin’s reply: “That’s cool.”  

You know what a normal person might say?  “What kind of job do you have?”  Or if you don’t want to get that personal, you can say something like, “How do you like working nights?”  You know?  Something.  Something other than “That’s cool”.  Show some kind of tiny interest in other people’s lives.  These poor mentally retarded folk who are GIVING YOU MONEY.  Take an interest in them.  Even if it’s just on the most superficial of levels.  PRETEND that you’re interested in them.  

No.  “That’s cool”.  That’s all that she ever says.

The puzzle is “taking a nap” and Mike says, “It’s Erin’s favourite activity.”

It’s just such a sad, waste of a life.  She doesn’t do ANYTHING.  And she’s never done anything and she never will do anything.

35:15 – Mike suggests that Erin sleeps “all day”.  

Obviously, sleeping a lot is a sign of depression.  And Erin has every reason in the world to be depressed.  Her attempt to scam her way into becoming a big Youtube celebrity has failed on a monumental scale.  She’s getting fucked in the ass daily, by a man she doesn’t love, for $250/month.  ANYBODY would be depressed.  

But it’s entirely of her making.  She chose to do all of this.  She scammed Mike and that worked and she’s scammed a handful of mentally retarded folk but that’s not enough to make it big.  $250/month.  

She can stop at any time.  Go back to your parents in California.  Get a job like a normal person.  What’s wrong with that?  Why is she so opposed to that?  

And it’s not like she has to go back to the record store.  I don’t know why she was working there to begin with.  Fucking Tony from Hack the Movies talks about his former retail career too.  And I think Newt has.  Crystal has talked about her retail jobs.  I’m pretty sure that Kieran worked in retail.  Jimmy Rolfe worked in retail.  I don’t know about Mike.

But why?  I’ve never worked any retail job or in a restaurant or telemarketing or any of this shit.  There are other jobs out there.  I wasn’t doing great jobs.  I was doing awful jobs.  But it wasn’t retail or restaurants or telemarketing.  

All you have to do is look.  Are these the only types of jobs in your town?  It’s impossible.  But if that’s the case, move.  Take some initiative.  Do something with your life.  

Making these embarrassing videos, scamming the mentally retarded out of money, and getting $250/month.  That’s what Erin has achieved as a 33 year old woman.  She’s totally wasted her life.

36:00 – Mike chooses an “S” and Erin says, “For Studebaker”.

What an odd reference.  I wonder if she knows that it’s a long defunct car manufacturer.  Maybe it’s just a word that she’s heard.

36:15 – “You’re taking all of the popular letters.”  Mike replies, “That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

She doesn’t have a clue.

37:00 – Erin chose a “G” simply because that’s where the cursor brought her to by default.  She didn’t want to take the time to move to a letter that she actually wanted.  

37:15 – “This game sucks says (some horntard).  Well, I like the one on NES better.  I think that’s a delightful game”

She doesn’t want to be doing any of this.

38:15 – Erin is reading from the chat.

Erin: Didn’t Louie Anderson host this show?

Mike: He did.

Erin: Yes.

Good thing that Mike answered because Erin didn’t have a clue.  But then she just went along with it.

Did he really host Wheel of Fortune?  I know that he hosted Family Feud.  No, I’m not seeing any of this.  What are they talking about?

Mike says, “From the Playstation era”.  Or something.  If anybody knows what the fuck he’s talking about, by all means let me know.

36:30 – “I don’t like this.”

She just says that while Mike is busy solving the puzzle.  She wants no part of any of this.

Erin: This is making me sad.

Mike: Erin doesn’t like it.

Erin: I like Wheel of Fortune but not this port of it.

Well, we know that she was awful at the NES version of the game.  So which port does she like?  I’m 100% certain that she’s only played the NES version and now the N64 version.  

Is she talking about the show?  Again, I’m 100% certain that she’s never seen the show.

So it’s just more lies from Erin.

39:00 – Mike chose the last game so Erin chooses this one.  Xena Warrior Princess.

40:00 – It’s a fighting game.  Erin didn’t know this.  She’s really bad at the game and then they turn it off after about 30 seconds.

40:30 – “You wish there was a Louie Anderson game?   Oh god.”

It’s just a variation of her “oh cool” comment.  She has NO IDEA who Louie Anderson is.

40:45 – Wetrix is supposed to be good.  I don’t know how to play it.

You don’t say.

Erin has no idea what’s going on.

So that was Wetrix.  They played for about 45 seconds.

42:30 – “Let’s play Mickey Mouse Cyber Attack or whatever.”

Oh yeah.  Disney.  Should be a good game.

It’s called Mickey’s Speedway, by the way.  What a gamer!

43:15 – “Mario Party?  We want to do a whole stream of Mario Party.”

I can’t wait.  A whole stream of mini games that Erin has never played before.

43:30 – “Play Hercules?  I always forget, is Disney’s Hercules on N64 or is this…no, Playstation has the non-Disney.”

She “always” “forgets” that.

44:00 – She’s reading from the chat again.  “If you didn’t grow up in the 90s, you won’t understand why N64 is the shit.  Well, I grew up in the 90s.  I had an N64 growing up.  Ummm…and I should be more *nostalgic* for it than I am but it’s not one of my favourite consoles.”

Watch Mike’s reactions while she’s saying all of this.  He wants to jump off of a bridge.  It’s all lies.  Everything that Erin says is a lie.  And BAD lies.  TERRIBLE lies.  

45:00 – 

Erin: Hey (some horntard).  What’s up?  

(Mike makes some exasperated motions)

Erin: What?

Mike: Can we please start?

Erin: I talk to the chat a little.  I’m sorry.  This is Erin Plays, Mike.  You got to adapt.  You got to adapt to this situation.

Mike: I’m bad at that.

Erin: Well, it could be an exercise to work on.

(awkward laughter by all)

Erin chooses Daisy.  Because she’s a girl!

This is a Mario Kart rip off, by the way.

46:00 – Some stupid Disneyland shit.  I won’t even get into it.

50:45 – “I have not been to the UK.  I have not been out of the US.”

You don’t say.  She’s never done ANYTHING.  What part of this don’t these people understand?

“Have you ever –“?  No.  Fill in the blank.  She’s never done it.

“I wonder how different this is from the Cruisin USA level.  It’s pretty different, I’d say.”

She has NO IDEA what he’s talking about so just gave a generic reply.  As usual.  

What is this guy talking about anyway?  His comment didn’t even make sense.  I know that Cruisin USA is a game but there were multiple courses to race on.  Erin does not have the foggiest idea what he’s talking about.  NOBODY does.  But she pretended to understand and gave her usual generic reply.

“But I’d say it’s better than Cruisin USA.”

She doesn’t even know the game.  It’s just more generic replies and pretending to understand what’s going on.

“This is actually fun.  And I’m not just saying that.”

She’s never played the game before.  She called it Mickey Mouse Cyber Attack.  She doesn’t know anything about the game.

51:45 – 

Mike: I think that that’s like the real voice of Dewey from Duck Tales.

Erin: Really?

Mike: Yeah.

Erin: That’s cool…that they got them.

She has no idea what any of this is.  She doesn’t know Duck Tales, she doesn’t know who Dewey is, and she certainly doesn’t know who the voice actor for Dewey on Duck Tales is.

So she just said “That’s cool”.  Her go to generic reply.

Erin doesn’t know anything about anything.  So she goes through life pretending to know what people are talking about.  And doing really, really poorly at it.  She just gives generic replies to everything because she doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

It must be a terrifying existence.  

This might be a ridiculous example but I’m thinking about dogs.  How much does a dog comprehend any of the stuff that he sees?  The television, for example.  That dog has no idea what that is or why people are watching it.  It’s totally beyond his comprehension.  But how does he deal with it?  

Even simple things like being fed every day.  How does a dog rationalise that?  There’s this guy, who looks nothing like me, giving me food every day.  Where does the food come from?  Why is he giving me the food?  What happens if he ever decides to stop?  

Why don’t dogs go insane?  Everything that they see is totally beyond their comprehension.  They can’t communicate with anyone.  They have no memory of their parents.  It must be terrifying.  

Or what about the mentally retarded?  Do they know that they’re mentally retarded?  Is it a soul crushing existence?  Why can everybody else do these things but I can’t?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why am I incapable of doing so many things?  

This is what I think life for Erin must be like.  Something akin to life as a dog or life as somebody with mental retardation.  You know that something is wrong but you lack the intellect to put it all together.  So you just get on with it and try not to think about it.  

She’s totally incapable of having a conversation with anyone about anything because she has no experience or knowledge about anything.  So she just says, “That’s cool” or similar generic responses.  That’s how she gets through life.  That’s her coping strategy.  

52:15 – 

Mike: I don’t think that there’s any drift of power sliding in this.

Erin: I don’t think so.

She has NO IDEA what any of that is.  So again, she just gave a generic reply.  She just agreed with him.  Ask Erin to explain what “drift” or “power sliding” is.  She won’t know.  It’s obvious.

“But it’s still fun.  You don’t need it in Mickey Mouse land.”

Tell us what drift and power sliding is, Erin.  Don’t just give these generic replies.

No.  She just changed the subject.  She’s talking about Disneyland again.

I’m at 54 minutes now.  They’re about to play Hercules.  Somebody on Reddit spoiled this for me and Elmo will be making an appearance.  So let’s stop here.  Part 3 of this epic saga probably tomorrow.