Gamer Girls

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOM8XS0f_cY

I think that I’m going to have to retire Talking About Tapes, or as it’s called now, Hack the Movies.  Here’s a comment that I saw:

– “Hate what this show has become”

I agree entirely.  Here’s another one:

– “simps”

The comments are mostly about how people, inexplicably, want to have sex with Crystal.  

Let me back up.  I used to watch Talking About Tapes aka Rental Reviews aka Hack the Movies and enjoy it on a semi-ironic basis.  It was watchable.  I can’t say that any of them were good but as background material while you’re doing other stuff, it was fine.  

What Tony seems to have done of late is realise that if he puts Crystal and/or Johanna in the videos, they get slightly more views.  So he’s doing this constantly.  

Here’s the problem: Johanna is not good and Crystal is absolutely unwatchable.  But he’s trying to attract the horntard audience.  He’s given up on trying to produce a good show.  

Let me show you what I mean:

12:00 – They’re talking about some script that Newt apparently wrote.

Tony: Did Newt write like a married couple giving road head?

Crystal: Yes.  That also is something that he would definitely write.

Then Newt talks about how he wrote something about a female monster who bites a man’s penis off.  

Crystal: This is literally like the third time that he’s written something like that.  How many times do you want somebody biting off somebody’s dick?

Newt: I have a fetish.

Tony: I also found it interesting that the girl, pretty on point, she instigated the road head.  What is up with chicks wanting to do road head?  I’ve never — I’ve been offered it so many times and I’m like, ‘No, I’d like to make it to my destination'”

Before I continue, nobody questions this.  Nobody says, “Really?  Come on, Tony.  How many times were you really offered ‘road head’?  Be honest.  Is it even one time?”

No, instead Crystal uses this obviously apocryphal story to launch into a tedious monologue about how much she enjoys fellating men while they’re driving.

Crystal: (obnoxious face) Is Tony telling me that he’s turning down road head?

Newt: Well, so many women want Tony.

Tony: Yeah.

Crystal: Who the fuck turns down road head?

Right here is where we could probably stop.  We get it, Crystal.  You’re a whore.  Your entire personality is about sex and your appearance.  You have no other interests.  But let’s move on and talk about the movie.

But no.  They continue.  Newt tells a riveting story about receiving oral sex while in traffic on Independence Day.  Tony says that he only enjoys it while the car is parked.

So Crystal continues: “You’re boring.  It’s only if you can handle it.  It’s okay to say, ‘Hey, I can’t handle this.’  Or it starts and you’re like, ‘Oh, shit.  Got to pull over.’  Because that happens as well.”

Okay, Crystal.  You’ve had sex before.  Everybody wants to have sex with you.  You’re so fucking hot.  We get it.  You don’t have to keep telling us.  Can we get back to the movie?

There’s something deeply wrong with this woman.  Everything is about her appearance and sex.  AND LOOK AT HER.  

But forget her appearance.  That’s a distraction.  I’m not going to assign her a number.  Everybody likes different things.  She obviously works out.  She takes care of herself.  And facially…I’ve seen worse.  If she was less repellent in terms of personality, I’d be happy to go out with her.  Go to the Quakertown Flea Market or whatever.  

Even if it was a smoking hot chick, I don’t want to fucking hear this.  It’s extraordinarily off-putting.  Talk about something else.  Do you have any other interests?  Is there anything at all going on in your mind?  

No.  Just everybody wants to have sex with Crystal Quin and she wants the world to know it.  EVERYBODY wants to fuck her.  Except me, apparently.  Maybe I’m the weirdo.  I mean, you look at the comments and all of these fucking retards are loving this shit.  “Yeah!  She fucks everybody!  Maybe even a retard like me has a chance!  Now I just need to learn how to drive and that road head is mine!”

It’s fucking boring.  And it’s so fucking obvious what she’s doing.  

It doesn’t help that her two fucking idiot co-hosts are perpetuating this.  “Go tell Youtube how hot you are and how everybody wants to have sex with you.  Road head.  Do you have any road head stories that you can share?  What about that time that your boss wanted to have sex with you?  And lesbians.  You do lesbian stuff too, right?”

Hey, guys, go jerk off before you do the show.  Jerk each other off.  I don’t give a fuck.  I’m an open-minded guy.  Nobody’s judging you.   Whatever you have to do to keep this shit off of the show.  

13:45 – Then Newt describes what it’s like when he has an orgasm.  Hey, Newt, we don’t fucking care.  

Show me a single person who wants to know what it’s like when Newt cums.  Is this information that anybody on earth was requesting?  

Oh, I just realised, because I looked it up, that they’re reviewing a current movie.  You know what might have helped?  TELLING US THIS INFORMATION.  I just assumed that it was another “the 90s” or 2000s movie.

16:45 – Crystal again brings the discussion to the gutter.

“As soon as I sawl (sic) topless, showgirl zombies, I was like, and the music in the background, what was it, Viva Las Vegas, I was like, this is amazing.”

We get it Crystal.  Boobs.  You like boobs.  Can we talk about something else?

In case people aren’t understanding my objection, let me be clear.  I’m not some Puritan.  I like sex and boobs as much as the next guy.  And if Crystal is having a lot of sex and really appreciates tits, that’s the tops.  

But we don’t need to hear about it every fucking time that she opens her mouth.  Change the fucking record.  

It’s like Madam Fomo and her repeated promotion of her OnlyFans.  “LOOK AT MY TITS, GUYS!  LOOK AT MY TITS, GUYS!  LOOK AT MY TITS, GUYS!”

Okay.  They’re pretty big.  Cool.  But this is boring now.  Do you have anything else to say?  

Then Tony sarcastically says that he found this scene misogynistic and degrading.  Crystal says, “Wait, why is that degrading?  Why is that degrading because girls want to show their freaking boobs?”

We get it, Crystal.  You’re super hot and everybody wants to have sex with you.  Everybody loves seeing your tits.  And all women should want to show their tits.  That’s liberating.  All women should be as empty-headed as you as well.

18:30 – “There was a crude visual gag, apparently, where there was going to be a male stripper with a huge dick that was going to be bitten off but they said they had to cut it because that was going too far.”

Does anybody want to guess who made this contribution?  It was Crystal, of course.  Everybody wants to have sex with her and she wants to have sex with everybody.  So you have a shot, horntards.  

It’s just so fucking obvious.  She’s doing this to try to appease people.  To try to get people to like her.  I assume that she’s like this generally.  Not just for these videos.  I don’t think that she’s clever enough for this to be a ploy just to con horntards for pennies.  

She’s replaced a personality for sex talk.  She’s deranged.  There’s something seriously wrong with her.  Why doesn’t she just have a personality like a normal person?  Why was this the coping strategy that took over?  

“But it was their tits, it wasn’t their freaking va-jay-hay now.”

I won’t give the context but it’s Crystal with more weird and desperate sex talk.

Newt: There’s never been a guy who does like sexual stuff in his movies.

Crystal: I think that that would have been great!

It doesn’t end.  I’m at 18:45.  There’s another hour of this. 

Tony: He did make a giant blue penis in Watchmen.

Crystal: That was fantastic.

We get it, Crystal.  Everybody wants to have sex with you and you’re super horny all of the time.  You’re totally receptive to sex.  To anyone.  You really want to be accepted.  You want people to like you.  And you’re super hot.  

Let’s move on.  What else can I say?  How can I possibly progress this podcast?  Somebody just tell Crystal that she’s attractive and that they want to have sex with her.  Maybe that would help.  You don’t ACTUALLY have to have sex with her.  Just say that you’d like to.  She just needs the validation.  Then maybe, MAYBE she can start talking about something else.

19:30 – “Doggie style is when you bend her over, you pull her hair back a little, and you just…no?”

This was another Crystal contribution.  This is a review of a zombie movie, right?  Why is Crystal defining “doggie style”?  We’re not in the seventh grade.  We know what it is.  But it’s yet another sex comment.  

You know what?  All of this sex talk got me curious.  Let me check out Crystal’s Instagram.  I bet that she has some really hot pictures because she’s super attractive and likes showing off her totally appealing body.

Okay.  Bra and panties.  A lot of pictures of her in a bra and panties.  She’s also holding a skull.  The skull is in front of her crotch.  Some “road head” simulation, I guess.  Let me check…no, totally flaccid.  Maybe I should see a doctor.  If I can’t achieve an erection to a smoking hot woman like Crystal Quin, who EVERYBODY wants to have sex with, there must be a medical explanation.  She’s a professional model, for fuck’s sake.  

25:45 – Out of nowhere, Crystal defines “coyote ugly” as, “When you get so drunk that you wind up sleeping with somebody so ugly and gnawing your arm off instead of waking them up.”

Have I mentioned that everybody wants to have sex with Crystal Quin.  It must be true.  Why else would she keep making comments to this effect?  

Then for the remaining hour of the video, Crystal just…talks about the movie.  I was really taken aback by this.  What happened?  Did they take a break and she had sex with some random dude off the street?  Everybody wants to have sex with her, after all.  It shouldn’t be hard to find somebody.  

But yeah, that last hour was totally listenable.  She redeemed herself.  It wasn’t good but I didn’t fall asleep or have cause to write more shit about her.  

This is what Rental Reviews aka Talking About Tapes aka Hack the Movies should be all about: something that you can put on as background noise while you do something else.  In this instance, I was furiously masturbating while thinking about having sex with Crystal Quin.  And the video was a good soundtrack for that.

But the first 26 minutes?  Please, for the love of Christ try to take my comments on board.  Not because I know everything and only my opinion matters and I’m so influential (although, I do have the most popular gamer grrls cum Hack the Movies blog in the world).  But I think that my opinion is one which is shared by large numbers of viewers.  At least those who aren’t required to wear a taekwondo helmet all day.  

So I wrote the above and that was going to be a stand alone thing but then Tony uploaded ANOTHER video with Crystal.  As here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZMX0fnrwCo

So let’s check it out.  Maybe the sex comments are kept to a minimum.

0:30 – Crystal is in a “sexy” Poison Ivy costume.  Eugh.  

It’s just so fucking shit what Tony is doing.  Trying to appeal to the fucking horntards.  And with THIS.  I am not jerking off to Crytal Quin.  I’m sorry.  She doesn’t do it for me.  Stop trying.  Just do a straight fucking review.  

Two fucking hours.

4:15 – Crystal makes an annoying, patronising face for no apparent reason.  I won’t point these out because she does this CONSTANTLY but I’ll just mention this one by way of example.

10:00 – Tony starts talking about the buttocks and penis bulges that appear on the Batman costume and Crystal makes a bunch of idiotic excited comments about this.  Just fuck off.  

14:00 – Newt says, “You look amazing as Poison Ivy, by the way.”

This could have been edited out.  But maybe this will help in getting Crystal to not constantly remind everybody how hot she is and how everybody wants to have sex with her.

Newt also mentions, for the second time this episode, that he’s been drinking.  He’s drinking whiskey.  He was also drinking whiskey in the Batman Forever video.

Is this what goes on at Screenwave?  You’re allowed to drink hard liquor while working?  It would explain some things, I guess.

16:45 – Newt again mentions that Crystal is attractive.

Tony.  Please.  Edit this fucking shit out.  It’s two fucking seconds and it adds NOTHING to the video.  It only detracts.  I’m not the only person raging over this shit.  There’s a silent majority of non-retards who can’t fucking stand this shit.  And it’s so easily fixed.  Just fucking get rid of Crystal. That would be the ultimate solution.  But I appreciate that you’re trying to pull in the horntards.

19:00 – “She looks super hot as Poison Ivy, Tony.  Fuck you.”

Okay, just get rid of everybody.  I don’t want to listen to this fucking drunk any more.  Do the show by yourself.  Or get fucking Kieran or what’s his name…the fat guy.  I’m just so blinded with rage that I can’t even remember his name now.

Then Crystal says, “Don’t worry.  There will be plenty of people who say that I don’t look good.”

Yeah.  You invite these comments by constantly fucking telling us how hot you are.  Just don’t mention your fucking appearance.  TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE FOR ONCE.   What a pathetic, shallow existence that she leads.

26:00 – Newt mentions a “choking sex story” that was cut out of a previous episode.  Just get rid of him.  This is not working.  

Tony: Fuck Newt.

Crystal: Okay!

Newt: Alright!

Crystal: No, I mean like ‘fuck you’, not like…

Newt: Aww.

Crystal: Sorry.

Newt: I got excited for a minute.

Get rid of these scumbags.  I mean, we can see the video.  Tony is not engaging with this shit.  Tony does not like this shit.  Tony represents the viewer.  He knows that it’s bad.  Why doesn’t he just get rid of these clowns?  Does he need fucking pennies from retards this badly?  

28:15 – Newt makes a comment about how he’s jealous of Brad Pitt’s muscular physique.  Tony, again voicing the thoughts of the viewer, suggests that Newt is a homosexual.  

I mean, what the fuck is this?  Just review the fucking movie without all of these bizarre sexual comments.  And now he’s adding homoerotic comments to his repertoire.  Who is this appealing to?  The homosexual horntards, I guess.

35:30 – “Oh my gosh.  There were so many fantastic cod pieces in this.”

Okay.  Crystal.  You like fornicating.  We get it.  And you’re so fucking hot.  Move on.  There are other topics to explore.

36:00 – Tony tells a bizarre, sexist and racist story about his time working in a garden supply store.  Crystal agrees because she really has to have people like her.  She’s super hot, guys.  Form an orderly queue.  

39:15 – The riveting horticulture discussion continues and Crystal says of some plants, “They’re supposed to go into dormitory season.”

Tell us some stories about all the sex that you’ve had in dormitories, Crystal.  We really want to hear about it.  

She meant “dormant”, of course.  Just in case there are any horntards reading this.

39:45 – Newt starts telling a story about what an idiot James Rolfe is and Tony interrupts him and moves on.

40:45 – Newt makes some xenophobic comments about the British for absolutely no reason.  Just get rid of him.

43:00 – Crystal starts going on about how hot some actress is.  We get it, Crystal.  You’re super hot and you like doing stuff with other super hot ladies.

44:00 – Newt again talks about how hot Crystal is.  You can’t blame it on the alcohol.  I’ve never been so drunk that I’ve consistently made a complete ass of myself.  He’s just stupid.  He’s a stupid man.  Fucking get rid of him.

The problem would really be solved if you just got rid of Crystal.  Because I’ve not had a problem with Newt in videos where she’s not there.  But he just can’t help himself.  Crystal is so fucking hot that he’s compelled to mention it CONSTANTLY.  It’s a distraction.  It’s Crystal’s cross to bear.  Everybody just fucking can’t get enough of how hot she is.  

It’s not her fault.  She can’t help being smoking hot.  But you get these fucking idiots like Newt who just can’t help themselves.  So, unfortunately, I suggest that Crystal no longer appear on these riveting Talking About Tapes videos.  I mean, if it’s a choice between Newt and Crystal, I have to get rid of Crystal.  Because Crystal is terrible no matter who is there.

48:00 – Crystal starts talking about how she loved some comic book (or something) that had a storyline about Poison Ivy being a lesbian.  I don’t know.  I’m not really paying attention.  This is just fucking awful.  

I should break this down into two separate reviews but I don’t like having too much Tony from Hack the Movies content.  And I really hope that this is the last fucking one that I do.  I never want to see Crystal Quin ever again.  She’s fucking horrendous.  I can’t even do this for “comedy” purposes.  There’s nothing funny about writing a novel-length review about how much I hate some stupid Youtube show.  Not in this instance, anyway.  

All I’m doing is repeating myself because that’s all that Crystal does.  She’s a total one-note character.  She’s hot and everybody wants to have sex with her.  That’s it.  That’s all that she talks about.  That’s fucking trash.  I can’t work with that.  

And while all of this is going on, by the way, Crystal just said that she wants Newt to find her a hot chick to have sex with, Tony is having none of it.  He keeps trying to move on and TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING MOVIE.  He knows that this is terrible.  Why not edit this out or just fucking get rid of her.  This is two fucking hours long.  Do we need these constant sex interludes from the super hot Crystal Quin?  And that fucking horny, drunk loser Newt talking about how hot she is.  We can all fucking see how hot she is.  We don’t need constant reminders.

Fucking unbelievable.  I’m not sure what would be more obnoxious: an actual hot woman constantly talking about hot she is or fucking Crystal Quin constantly talking about how hot she is.  It’s obnoxious in both cases.  Why the vanity?  Why the obsession with your appearance?  TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

49:30 – Newt asks, “Do all states have Mr Softee?”  Crystal says, “They have something like it.”

No, you fucking idiots.  It’s only in the Northeast.  Do some fucking travelling.  

53:30 – Newt the horny drunk leaves because he has to urinate and Tony decides that he’s going to continue without him.  That’s a step in the right direction.  

Oh.  I didn’t think this through.  This just means more Crystal.  She’s talking about how hot the woman who plays Poison Ivy is.  

57:30 – Crystal is talking about hot chicks again.

I can’t believe that there’s another hour of this.

1:00:30 – Crystal asks the question that we’ve all been thinking about, “Have you guys ever been auctioned off before?”

I’m really hoping that this is just an excuse for Crystal to tell her own riveting story about the time when she was “auctioned off” and the winning bid was over one million dollars.  Because she’s just so fucking hot.  

Oh.  No.  Instead, it was a bizarre story about how she was in a bar, while underage, and started making out with a woman while standing on the bar, at the encouragement of the patrons.  Because EVERYBODY thinks that Crystal is just so motherfucking hot.  

Wait…what?

“Then somebody paid a lot of money for him and his friend to go on a date with us and then we had to sneak in because they eventually found out that we were underage, well, we weren’t underage, we were under 21.”

So I was right.  This was just an excuse for Crystal to talk about the time when she was in some kind of auction and somebody paid a lot of money to go out with her because she’s just so fucking smoking hot.  

Can you just fucking get rid of her?  She’s awful.  Everything is about her and everything is about how fucking hot she is.  Has she said ANYTHING about Batman and Robin so far?  Not that I can recall.  She talked about hot actresses in the film who she wants to have sex with but that’s it.

Then Crystal says that being in some kind of sex auction is really fun and that Newt should try it.  Yeah.  That doesn’t happen.  Women aren’t paying to go out with men.  And certainly not 40 year old men who work in small multimedia businesses.  But Crystal wanted to try to make it sound like that story wasn’t just all about her, which obviously it was.

1:07:30 – “Imagine how sweaty and gross your balls are being in that outfit and fighting crime.”

Oh, that was a Crystal line if you couldn’t tell.

1:14:30 – Tony says, “George Clooney left ER for this.”  Crystal says, “George Clooney is sexy as fuck.”

Well, thank you for that contribution.  This is all that she does.  It’s all superficial trash.  How hot she is and hot people who she wants to have sex with.  This is the one of worst examples of this that I’ve ever seen in my life.  She’s completely self-obsessed and she has nothing else going on upstairs.  She’s fucking terrible.  Get rid of her.

1:16:45 – “Apparently, one out of every three guys has a foot fetish.”

Why am I even doing this?  That was a Crystal contribution, in case it wasn’t obvious.  It’s so fucking stupid.  Why am I watching this?  Why am I writing all of this?  She’s stupid.  She’s a stupid woman.  She’s an extreme narcissist.  And I wouldn’t have sex with her if she paid me, perhaps at one of these sex auctions that she apparently thinks exist.

It’s just unbelievable.  Who can possibly find her at all appealing, physically, intellectually, or personality-wise?  But they do.  These fucking literal retards who watch these videos leave comments about how hot Crystal is.  This is why Tony keeps putting her in the fucking videos.  To appeal to literal retards.  

This is disgusting.  Go get an honest job.  See if that plant nursery is hiring.  Shaking down the mentally retarded for money is not something that any self-respecting person would even consider doing.

1:17:00 – Then Newt starts talking about all of the hot women that he’s dated.  I’m not even joking.  And Crystal starts talking about how hot these women were and how she wants to have sex with them.  That’s only a slight exaggeration.  

For the love of Christ, can we eliminate these fucking morons from the show?  Because I’m not doing this again.  This is the last time that I’m watching anything with Crystal Quin in it.  She’s unbelievably repellent.  On every level, including the most important in Crystal’s mind: physically.  She’s a fucking dog.  There.  I said it.  This horse-faced bitch can go fuck herself.  

And the personality.  Oh my fucking god.  Have I mentioned that she only talks about her appearance and how everyone wants to have sex with her?  No, really.  Everyone wants to have sex with Secretariat over here.  

And this fucking costume.  What a treat to be able to see this woman’s jiggly upper arm fat.  And you boys like small tits, right?  Maybe Newt does because he came out of the fucking closet on this episode.  He likes his women to look like men.  

!:17:45 – She continues and Tony finally says, “Can we please stop talking about feet?  Guys, guys.  No more feet.”

Once again, Tony represents the viewer.  The non-retarded viewer, at least.  

I’m done with this shit.  I am never watching ANYTHING that involves Newt Wallen or Crystal Quin ever again.  These people are completely reprehensible.  Crystal is some kind of sub-human who has nothing going on in that giant equine head of hers other than, “I’m so fucking hot” and “Everybody wants to have sex with me.”

In case I’ve been too subtle, let me be clear: Crystal Quin is unattractive.  And yet she’s based her ENTIRE PERSONALITY around the fact that she’s attractive.  It’s all based on a lie.  Let’s be fucking serious.  THIS woman is a model?  Of what?  Oat bags?  And she’s like 35 years old.  The modelling is done.  It’s time to find a real job.  Get some fucking hobbies.  Do some travelling.  Do something to replace your appearance (which is repellent, as I hope that I’ve made clear) with some other interest that you can talk about.

It could be anything.  Instead of being that woman who only talks about how hot she is and how everybody wants to have sex with her, you could be that woman who enjoys talking about knitting.  Or ceramics.  Or books.  Or your travels.  Or German philosophers.  There’s a whole world of topics and interests out there OTHER THAN how hot you are and how everybody wants to have sex with you.  And once again, just for the avoidance of any doubt, you are not hot and very few non-retards want to have sex with you.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ps3zPqlxqIU